get your coffee and your smokes,this could be a long one.
So you probably know I've been separated forover 5 years and have just started divorce proceedings. That's got nasty and spiteful and dirty. Throughout the 5 odd years there has been almost daily telephone contact with her and lot's of calling in for coffee and the odd overnight and the odd holiday away so that's not really living alone is it ? Then I get into a relationship, ok, just paddling in the shallows and for reasons not for this forum, that's over and it was and still is very painful for us both. Who knows in the fullness of time that may change or it may not. Nothing will or can happen with that for a good while. So here I am for the first time in nearly 55 years, living totally on my own. No one to make a cuppa for no one to do owt for, xcept me. No one to do owt for me either. I have to do it myself. Phone don't ring no text messages the odd e mail. Nope if I want human contact I generally have to initiate it. So it's another night where I take myself off to bed alone. Another night where I say my prayer,thank god for another sober day and wait for morning. Hmm, have to say I don't like it. Sure I like myself. Sure I can do this, just don't want to. It's so damn lonely ( to paraphrase Joe Bonamassa). Y'see I think people are social animals, we work best in the company of others. Living alone is not a normal state of affairs. I have the strength of the fellowship around me, but after the meeting after the meeting, when I've dropped off the guy I give a lift to, I'm still faced with an empty house and an empty bed that I just don't want to go back to. Partly this is consequences of my past. Partly this is choice. I just want one more bite of the apple but I know if I get that I'll want another bite and another. (Neil Diamond this time). Now I know how hard life is for my mum. How hard life will get for my ex wife unless she finds another. There's gonna be people out there on this forum who have done the empty house empty bed thing for years. I know it might not be like this for ever. I know that I only have to do this one day at a time (thank you sponsor) I'm sure someone will tell me to get off the cross because they need the wood. I know step 11 applies. But you know what? If I wanted to live like a monk, I'd a joined a monastery. Hmmm. Come on back on this, I'm off to bed and will check back tomorrow.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Life goes on like this for a few years, uncomfortable because we have been sharing our life with someone so long we don't know how to be alone, until in time it becomes passable and we begin to enjoy it, then comes the day we decide we are lonely again and in the wonderful flush of a new relationship we move in with someone...and we get no privacy, we get yelled at for leaving the toilet seat up, we don't get to do all those little things we had gotten used to doing because we are in a relationship now, hiding out in the garage wrenching on the motorcycle is anti-social, we start getting dragged to social events with people we would rather not know, smiling through pained lips and nodding about fluctuating mortage rates and maybe how everything wrong in the country is due to all those damn chavs or paki's.....secretly hating these inane idiots and the conversations we are forced to have....we look back fondly at being single and masters of our own destinies...
You are sad so looking at the past with rose coloured glasses, remembering things as you wish they were rather then how they actually were, not remembering you have been living alone for 5 years because you were nothing but a dirty little secret....and probably tortured by loneliness for years before that...since living with someone who is not really there is like living with an elephant in the room that no one talks about, you get used to stepping around it, occasionally stubbing your toe on it causes a row but it's always been there, or been there for so long we all pretend it's not there...
living alone gets to be better then tolerable, it gets to be really really nice, maybe I will live with someone again someday, maybe not, but not at the expense of being me, but either way I will be happy with either outcome
change is what is uncomfortable, not living alone
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
I was the loneliest when I was drinking and living with my ex husband. This I will never forget. I really like wha Linbaba said. So true!! I live alone except on the weekends when my boyfriend is off work and is here. But I dont feel lonely at all. Prayer for you to find acceptance and peace with your situation Bll.
You asked be about this just yesterday, and had not had the time to respond....Read all of LB response, every word for me in my life is so very true...
It is not an illusion, THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE.
Also agree, it is the transition that is hard only. I still think of myself of pretty much of a social animal,or rather, I still will always have a very deep need for people, my friends are so very precious and beloved, but I really cherish the most is my solitude, and the peace that comes with it. So just like your Post title, yes, I live alone but very very seldom do I ever feel alone or lonely.
Hugs, hope yours days smooth out a little...have to say i recall both of my divorces as sheer hell to get through, but we do get through them...as in THIS TOO SHALL PASS.......
Hey Bill. You know that this too will pass. Take a breather from the relationship that just ended, take a breather from the ex wife, get your head together, and when you are ready, go back "out there". Ask your HP to bring you the right one. It sounds like right now is not the right time to get involved with a fruitcake. Just give it time and chill. When you are ready, let your mojo out of its lockbox, and let the ladies know you are "back in business". Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
now ain't that funny? Woke this morning and first thought was 'you're not lonely' lonely is a feeling and right now I don't feel lonely. I am alone. How's this? Suddenly realised that if I change my thoughts I change my feelings. Somebody told me that. When I woke I kmew there'd be responses to my post
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Just wanted to say your loved Bill. Love for me is a state of consciousness that encompasses qualities such as forgiveness understanding and compassion, that when experienced for a long enough period of time result in joy.
In support Bill!Have already lifted you up(pretty heavy man:) ) and asked for peace and serenity to enter your realm.Can see by your post , a little thought change got you trippin in a different light//awesome....
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
living alone has been the most painful part of my sobriety, but also the main reason for why I have grown up so much. I crave living with someone again, but am afraid I will turn them into an enabler and I will get sick again. Even if it's not alcohol. I think you summed up some of this here Bill...
You are not alone.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Learning to love myself relieved me of putting that responsibility and effort on others. When I learned how to love/accept myself the "need" for others went away. I'm not hard or bad to live with and there was no one else with me I had to make over so that I could be more genuinely happy more of the time.
I learned to say to all others..."I love you, I like having you in my life and I don't' need you."
Gladlee's God calling post on the 27th...today applies to this for me today. I'm never alone, can't be, God won't let it happen. I cannot be loved better than God and I cannot love others any better than that myself.
Man getting off of booze sure cleans a person up huh? (((hugs)))
Someone told me we "get" to have problems which come with the things we "get" to have in our lives right now. For example, if we were unemployed but now we have a job, we get to have job problems and annoying coworkers. :) If we had no car before but now do, we get car payments, car insurance, auto maintenance repair bills, flat tires, and car wrecks. If we were in a bad relationship and now we are in solitude, we get to be temporarily lonely at times. On the other hand, if we were alone and now have a relationship, guess what we get? Relationship problems!!! And boy are THEY fun! ;)
My point is, with these new lives, we will have new problems, and they are a blessing in disguise. Try to keep in perspective how much better your life truly is now, and find things that you are grateful for TODAY.
Today is all we have.
Best wishes, Bill! Hang in there buddy, you've got a lot of support and friends here. Heather
Spoke to my sponsor again today. We're in daily contact for a while, due to some heavy duty personal issues I have. In fact spoke to him twice today, God Bless his scrawny neck, he suggested that I WRITE DOWN my gratitude list, instead of just thinking or remembering it, paste it up on the wall and the next time I get my head up my ass, go and read it.
Sounds good to me. Made a start, the first line is I'm sober today. I have friends I have people that are willing to put their lives on hold for a while to help me I have a God in my life, I might not know who that is, what He looks like, but I have a God in my life. I have access to other Higher Powers - like when the toilet blocks, then the guy who comes and unblocks it is a power greater than I 'cus he can unblock a toilet and I can't Same goes for the solicitor, he knows a lot more about the law than I do. God has me as part of his plan. I don't know where I fit into that plan, all will be revealed in time, but right NOW, I don't know - and I don't need to know. All I do know is if I keep doing the next right thing as best as I can, All Will Be Well.................
So tomorrow, I'll get a big sheet of paper and my best fountain pen and start this list and it'll get pasted on my office wall above my desk. And it'll get added to as and when I discover something or someone else that I am grateful for.
God Bless.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
You asked be about this just yesterday, and had not had the time to respond....Read all of LB response, every word for me in my life is so very true...
It is not an illusion, THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE.
Also agree, it is the transition that is hard only. I still think of myself of pretty much of a social animal,or rather, I still will always have a very deep need for people, my friends are so very precious and beloved, but I really cherish the most is my solitude, and the peace that comes with it. So just like your Post title, yes, I live alone but very very seldom do I ever feel alone or lonely.
Hugs, hope yours days smooth out a little...have to say i recall both of my divorces as sheer hell to get through, but we do get through them...as in THIS TOO SHALL PASS.......
