Since I stopped drinking I've become obsessed with sex which isn't like me. I've always been take it or leave it when it came to sex but now it's all I can think about. I chase girls with absolutely no shame which I have NEVER done before, and when I get the itch scratched I just want more.
I don't mind being charged up as it makes me feel young again but this is too much. It feels wrong. Unbalanced perhaps. In a way I feel like I did when I was drinking - I have no control and there is no such thing as enough.
So my question is: is this normal? Is this my libido waking up after years of suppression or is this my mind changing from one rush to another? Or is it something as simple as me being newly single and it being unrelated to my recovery?
Switching addictions is the norm, not the exception, and for us to get addicted to relationships, sex, porn (for men), etc is not uncommon, far from it in fact, so to address it we use the same tools as we do for alcoholism, for me it went from alcohol, to sex, to relationships, it dressed up in prettier clothes, but was more of the same, Bill covers it incredibly well in the 12 and 12 and the big book
Like any other addiction, the more I got the more I wanted, I remember when I finally had sex all night with multiple partners so I was like "OK!!! I finally scratched that itch, I can get on with my life" and the next day was the worse yet, scenes that would have made Caligula call the vice squad playing through my head all day ....more more more...it took that for me to understand what I was feeling was an addiction
So I brought that stuff to my sponsor who also had vast experience with it, and thus bring it into the light, and then we treat it as we do any other problem, aint no thang, awareness, acceptance, action
-- Edited by LinBaba on Tuesday 26th of April 2011 11:03:13 AM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Hey Frodo! I remember when I surrendered in '84 Immediately substituted gambling in place of using and then it was on to Hunting and then on to Martial Arts and A Bible study group and then Marathon running and so on. In each situation I had to look deep inside to see if this was "unmanageable and was I powerless over where each adventure was leading me(my obseessions and compulsions).The rest of our illness spiritual and mental part ,that continually takes vigilance,a constant look inside and an honest assessment of where it is leading us .Sex in itself is not bad, it is part of our human drive,and like any other things, i'll keep it on me, balance and spiritual principles should be my guides...This is my stuff...you could be having all you are saying,and everything going on may be from what you shared(I have been married 3x and divorced 2x,so I have been in between and in similar spots), but just like the substance, I know for me, I have a tendency to run with everything so I must pay attention!!! Don't hurt yourself :) :)
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Frodo, Thank you for the humility in your honest post. I've had many obessions since being sober. Obessions to me is a pre-occupation of the mind & then the physical compulsion gets reared up. It's my default setting. Very similiar to Alcohol or drug use. For me; it was food, wife, relationships, coaching sports, controlling others etc.... By working the Steps, reading and listening; I'm learning that the causes and conditions are the same. The Spiritual Malady is still present deep down inside my thinking. I go from one thing to another. The above situations was my solution to internal issues. I need this to validate me and make me feel worthy, accepted and to feel good. It was external fullfillment to fill a void. A void only a loving God could fill. Food= pleasure eating- especially at night when my mind and body were idle, wife including sex & relationships= some to love me- make me feel good, coaching- prideful behavoir etc........
What I'm learning is excesses of anything is not healthy for me. For me to keep in emotional balance I need to spot these excesses, admit there's a problem and then run them through the grid step 10 & 11. Step 10 in the 12 & 12 talks about the emotional hangover from the excesses of negative emotions. I beleive for me it's also the excessess of positive emotions that can lead to big shotism, inflated Ego, self righteousness and unhealthy pride. All self centered behavoir. Just the opposite of what I'm trying to accomplish which is humility, ego deflation and the leveling of my pride.
For me it's steps 10- 12 on a daily basis: Uncover, discover & discard my character defects which block me from God. Continue to seek and do God will. Help others and try to practice the principles in all my affairs.
The first couple of weeks, I had no interest in sex outside my marriage. Then as I got back into working out and running and the sex drive started increasing. Then the younger women started showing interest (one was a 28 year old petite brunette like I like) and it was starting to take over my thoughts. I even went so far as to plan a date with her, but backed out at the last minute. So now, I am going on three months with no sex... and it ain't easy.
The courts rejected my wife's "online" papers and now the papers at sitting at the attorney's office waiting to be signed. Until the divorce is final, I'm going to resist the temptations of sex and I certainly don't want to get involved in any relationships at the moment.
I also had more time for sexing after I stopped drinking...Had time on my hands and needed some nerve jolts to replace the ones usually handled by booze. Plus I could actually get more feeling (high) when the depressant wasn't in my system and all that nervy energy ate my brain out. Thank God for program. Sex is a nerve ending exercise what otherwise sober alcoholic is going to walk away from it? Go ahead and answer that whoever...I'm still learning.
I use to laugh after reading or reciting the 12th step..."...practice these principles in all our affairs." After practicing the principles my affairs went to zero except the one with my HP, my sponsor and the fellowship.
A half a dozen or more boiler makers was longer fun than a short gymnastic exercise with anyone who would be willing to participate. It's always been called "sleeping with..." and I've never understood that explanation because sleeping was the last and least thing done. Sexing almost got me killed on a couple occasions...but almost doesn't count especially when my HP wanted me alive and alert when the program started.
There were lessons I had to learn yet regarding this subject such as sex with love and sex without it. Love is who my HP is called so look at the picture that way and for me it went from a two some to a three some and I started to see sex as another "all about me" thingy. Since I had pretty well done myself in with most thoughts and behaviors in my life while drinking most areas of my life were a mess including sex.
So back to the program and the 12th step. What now?
It's nice to know I'm not unique with this. It's also nice to know that I have some warning lights at long last. I can't remember the last time I had them (or noticed them when I did), and that I'm putting down to the program because before I started doing it I would have just lost myself in the hedonism and hurt others and myself.
So now I have to find a middle ground. I like girls and I like feeling sexual but I also know that it is only a part of me and not the reason for me, but like everything now I have to figure out who 'me' really is.
Balance and moderation, eh? It is indeed a brave new world.
Now if only girls weren't so bloody easy to catch.
Not unusual. I've gone on runs of promiscuity several times. Heck, one time I slept with 3 different people in 1 night. That was the lowest of low and I was considering joing SLAA after that. My sponsor put me on sex ban.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Careful, a straight pepper diet can give you heartburn!!! And perhaps some other embarrassing, scary, sneezy, and/or itchy symptoms too... ;)
People gave you great advice. I think it's normal to go through phases like that in sobriety, and it doesn't help for you to beat yourself up with the shame bat over it. Read the big book part on sex. If this becomes an obsession that more service work won't relieve you of, perhaps you might look into getting help from some other recovery programs. Remember, it takes great courage and strength to openly admit you have a problem. I'm proud of you!
Frodo, Thank you for the humility in your honest post. I've had many obessions since being sober. Obessions to me is a pre-occupation of the mind & then the physical compulsion gets reared up. It's my default setting. Very similiar to Alcohol or drug use. For me; it was food, wife, relationships, coaching sports, controlling others etc.... By working the Steps, reading and listening; I'm learning that the causes and conditions are the same. The Spiritual Malady is still present deep down inside my thinking. I go from one thing to another. The above situations was my solution to internal issues. I need this to validate me and make me feel worthy, accepted and to feel good. It was external fullfillment to fill a void. A void only a loving God could fill. Food= pleasure eating- especially at night when my mind and body were idle, wife including sex & relationships= some to love me- make me feel good, coaching- prideful behavoir etc........
What I'm learning is excesses of anything is not healthy for me. For me to keep in emotional balance I need to spot these excesses, admit there's a problem and then run them through the grid step 10 & 11. Step 10 in the 12 & 12 talks about the emotional hangover from the excesses of negative emotions. I beleive for me it's also the excessess of positive emotions that can lead to big shotism, inflated Ego, self righteousness and unhealthy pride. All self centered behavoir. Just the opposite of what I'm trying to accomplish which is humility, ego deflation and the leveling of my pride.
For me it's steps 10- 12 on a daily basis: Uncover, discover & discard my character defects which block me from God. Continue to seek and do God will. Help others and try to practice the principles in all my affairs.
Since I stopped drinking I've become obsessed with sex which isn't like me. I've always been take it or leave it when it came to sex but now it's all I can think about. I chase girls with absolutely no shame which I have NEVER done before, and when I get the itch scratched I just want more.
I don't mind being charged up as it makes me feel young again but this is too much. It feels wrong. Unbalanced perhaps. In a way I feel like I did when I was drinking - I have no control and there is no such thing as enough.
So my question is: is this normal? Is this my libido waking up after years of suppression or is this my mind changing from one rush to another? Or is it something as simple as me being newly single and it being unrelated to my recovery?
Any and all thoughts welcome.
Hi;
I'm Marc and I'm Alcoholic.
As a Teenager I got a HardOn when the wind blew.
How old are you anyway. Maybe you could ask your Dad to get you laid and be done with it. :)
The guy can't get any girls, so he has to ask his dad to get him one. Cause that's the first place you go when you're having a hard time getting a date. Cause his dad is like this big Casanova, who has all these chicks who would be willing to do his son.
My dad didn't have any extra girls. He was very selfish. "Dad, I'm having a hard time getting some booty. You think I could have one of your girls?"
Don't hurt yourself :) :)