When I came to AA I was described as a dry drunk. A man who though not drinking still behaved as if he was, a sober horse theif.
After nearly 5 years of growing sobriety last night I threw myself right back to day one. Without drinking and in the space of 30 minutes I rejected the programme entirely. I denied there was a power greater then I. I decided to letmy self will run riot. I inflated my ego. I'm on some lightweight anti depressants. I've been to a meeting. I took myself there on my bike. I listened closely to all of the shares. I identified with them all. Then I flipped out. I decided the best thing to do was not go straight home but to go get a bottle. I rode tothe bottle shop and rode right past it. I parked up outside the house where my ex wife still.lives. I saw the lights on and boiled inside of me. I smoked a cigarette and stared at the house and let my anger build. I calledmy ex wife on the phone and askedher why she had done what she had done. Asked her why she triedto break me. Asked her why she was so spiteful, putting her job security before other peoples happiness. She said that she had recieved text from me that gave her permission to break an agreement we hadmade. So the implications are that I was responsible for her actions. I loxt it. Shouting down the phone that I thiught she was a mean spirited spiteful loathsome bitch. A scoundrel a money grubbing selfish manioulative scum. I finished the tirade by telling her that as she broke our agreement then I'll break mine and will submit divorce papers on the next working day. That also I'll try to destroy her professiona.ly and personally as she has tried to destroy me. That I will not be financially generous but will seek as much equity from the settlement as I can legally get. And finally told her that I considered the relatioship between us these past 5 years as that of whore and client. Then I drove away and still not finished, rang two friends who were trying to be even handed and told them to choose sides. Either her or me.
Is this the behaviour of a sober man or is this the behaviour of a dry drunk? 4 hours later and I have the police atmy door. A formal warning for harrassment. If I repeat this behaviour I'll be charged with harrassment, causing fear and public disorder. she is applying for a restraining order against me so that I cannot access the house or her. I STILL HAVE PROPERTY IN THE HOUSE! I'll need to get my solicitor to arrange a time ti either recover my property or have her release it to a third party.
Beware the dry drunk. The brainstorm qnd the grouch is a luxury I cannot afford any longer.
Back to step one. I'm powerless and my life ks unmanageable.
Special thanks to Just Toni and Mikef for their pm's and e mails. Special thanks to my network over here. Too proud to lean on them. Too proud to ask one of my buddies to stay with me. Too ego driven to leave my problems as God's feet. My ego needs deflating. My pride needs puncturing. For 40 minutes last night I tore down and threw away evry lesson I'd learnt, I behaved exactly as I did on my last drunk only without the drink. I became my own higher power again. Time to start again. Time to ask for help. Time to embrace step two and work on from there.
So, who has my anger, my dry drunk, really hurt.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Hey Bill, at least you didn't drink, hurt anyone, or yourself physically. Most people have a few tirades over qettinq divorced. Also remember that there is a lot of drinkinq history, and emotional hot buttons wrapped up in this relationship. It will be different when you qet this behind you. I was fortunate to qo throuqh this process at the same time I was qettinq sober. It was a clean sweep. Painfull but thorouqh. My Life was forever chanqed for the better. I basically took my autos and bikes and clothes and let her keep everythinq as I diddn't want those thinqs that would remind me of her, not even one photoqraph.
This is why God invented step 10...which...oh look, you just did
some repairs and amends (not apologies, repairs) and you get to move on
I will look up the emotional hang-over and the emotional bender
what you describe is not due to alcoholism, but emotional duress, however the inventory taking is due to recovery and working a program
if you stay and wallow in the behavior, that is "dry drunk" behavior, if you take your inventory, make amends and change your behavior, that is "recovered alcoholic"
We are not saints
None of us have been able to maintain anything like perfect adherance to these principals, the point is we are willing to grow along spiritual lines
so make those direct amends wherever possible, and find out the decision you made based on self that placed you in a position to be hurt, put down the bat (you are beating yourself with) tell on yourself face to face to some sober alkies, and tomorrow is another day
Oh look, it's one of the first paragraphs in step 10 in the 12 and 12
When a drunk has a terrific hangover because he drank heavily yesterday, he cannot live well today. But there is another kind of hangover which we all experience whether we are drinking or not. That is the emotional hangover, the direct result of yesterday's and sometimes today's excesses of negative emotion-anger, fear, jealousy, and the like. If we would live serenely today and tomorrow, we certainly need to eliminate these hangovers. This doesn't mean we need to wander morbidly around in the past. It requires an admission and correction of errors now. Our inventory enables us to settle with the past. When this is done, we are really able to leave it behind us. When our inventory is carefully taken, and we have made peace with ourselves, the conviction follows that tomorrow's challenges can be met as they come
Relationships make us act like arseholes sometimes Bill, that's just how that is, take that away and 99% of pop music, literature, 100% of soap operas, TV shows, Shakespeare etc would all be gone, we've all acted like that, welcome to the human race, now clean up your mess and move on, sounds harsh but wallowing in it and allowing the guilt and shame will be incredibly harmful whereas cleaning it up will be beneficial
You have my 100% respect and admiration for stepping up, and one of the strongest, if not the strongest program I have seen in a long while, don't let this take you out, instead let it make you stronger
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
A wonderful message of hope from a Work in Progress!! I got chills Bill,when you shared about sitting outside the house ,smoking a cigarette and commiting rampage inside your head.I have been divorced 2x (me thinks not too pleasnt living with this fella!)and how I approached things in active and non active addiction still make me shiver.Our message is hope here,but applying what we know and have learned,although at any given minute we want to chuck it as far as it will go,is a constant reminder that we slowly progress to change our behaviors and attitudes.Sometimes while we are in the process,we still continue to take a beating,.but the beating we took on the other side of the street ,.though in some case may seem very distant,we can roll the tape to the end and know ,whatever this Higher Power thing is,we definitely admit that is the realm we need to be in.Your pain shared Bill, is hopefully some pain lessened. One of other writings that always perks my ears says 'relationships can be 'TERRIBLY" painful areas. That one word in caps says it emphatically. For me,,how many times must I surrender?How many times do I want to get well? Great work and hope to the newcomer shared from "how it works" Peace Bill,may the light of that HP chase away the darkness.Thanks for help today.Im gonna hug somebody especially harder and tighter this day!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Aloha Bill...kinda sorta smelled that one coming from the earlier detachment. Biker Bill sponsoring Biker Bill type of thing. Reminds me when I did it and what I learned I was really saying to my wife but had put the focus and the words in the wrong direction. "I am angry and I am hurt" plain and simple...oh and "I don't feel loved...I want to feel loved and like I'm being treated with love...by you and damned I don't feel that" and so I went off with the other words and promises and threats and stuff and like you found myself surrounded by those clothed in similar dress wearing similar tool belts holding devious devices telling me to pretty much do the same things you were told. I had to admit I still loved her and was dying that I also felt it wasn't being returned. Sick, Sick, Sick.
Was it a dry drunk...not all of my thoughts, feelings and behaviors are connected to drinking or not. I got natural chemicals inside of me that my body manufactures which are delivered in anxiety. If dry drunk means I wasn't on or in my program of recovery right about then it might qualify. Still I am in recovery and like LinBaba suggests...let me also suggest you arrive at the end solution statement of that step, "and when were wrong promptly admitted it." That for me is the healer. When I go off it gets close to a fatality. Wednesday some guy cut me out of my lane into oncoming traffic. I am glad we went to words only as I let my framing hammer slip to the floor of my truck. He was wrong for what he did. It endangered our lives and I was wrong for not seeking 3 seconds consultation with God before I reacted the way I did. The 10th will be finished if and when I see him later on. This isn't such a large island that it will not happen.
I got me good with that one. I cannot get back at someone else by damaging myself...mind, body, spirit and emotions.
Everything is forgivable...this is the grand work.
By the way the last time I had an event like this with my ex-wife I found myself walking past part of the group of police that attended the night before who were ending shift at another "domestic". I found myself honestly thanking them for attending with me the night before. Part of a 10th.
So happy to see you here. Full circle, as was stated, in Divorce, those Trirades happen, I had a few, and if I recall correctly, certainly can say I was in a Dry Drunk, but I did not Drink...
So Grateful, I miss all your Posts so much about the Food your cooking, the mellower days, they will return my friend.
So much honesty in your Post, and I loved where LB said if these emotions did not exist, we would not have Shakespear, Mozart, etc.or a populaton.
You didn't drink, thank God, which is truly remarkable -given the situation. I don't think you're a horse thief either, just a man who's going through some very trying circumstances. Moving on -with your sobriety in toe- and separating yourself from the 'pitfalls' in life is part of the sobering up process and maybe it's time to do just that. Even the most influential amongst us have a hard time dealing with life's seemingly unchangeable moments and how they unfold -good, bad or indifferent. Some of life's most profound, persistent, and overwhelming problems demand more than verbal persuasions and there's a lot more to 'behavior change' than just words, so forgo the inevitable for now and refocus your attention on sobriety instead, which can stand the test of time even on the worst of days.
When we face behavior issues, we've got to address all the reasons behind people's motives and whythey seem so unattractive at times. There's no cure-all for everything, but there is a potential for increased serenity, if our hearts follow virtuous living not just vain reasoning. No one ever said sobering up would be easy and our circumstances don't necessarily change, even after we discover life without the drink. The difficulties of life can and will continue, regardless of our sobriety. The question is...how do we deal with them?
My first inclination when dealing with frustrating people, before my spiritual enlightenment, was to lash out at those individuals that made me feel inferior. I would verbalize my disapproval in any disrespectful way possible, thus getting their attention but with a price. I never fully understood what was meant by the words "emotional sobriety" until I viewed it from an alternative perspective -not necessarily my own. When I did...my life took on new meaning and the "emotional stability" that followed wasn't as elusive and perplexing as imagined, but more in tune with who I've become as the thoughts of continuous sobriety became more of a reality not just an illusion.
What it's really about is this: 'Getting back to the basics of who we are'. You are a valuable, precious soul who is kind at heart, even though you're not perfect. Neither is the other person involved. And they have valuable qualities, as well, just not as visible right now. You must first concentrate on your own. Try to establish an inner dialogue, either with God, your sober network or someone close to you". You can negotiate the path to inner peace if followed by a regiment that promotes spirituality and worthiness not vanity.
You are not responsible for their feelings, nor are they for yours. Inner peace and tranquility is the key to lasting sobriety and discretion is the better part of valor, so it's better to remain harmonious rather than contentious and striving to win at any cost. If the other person proves to be wrong, they will probably feel worse about it and can learn more from the situation if you come across as compassionate and understanding than if you are aggressive and put them on the defensive. If the other person proves later to be right, then put aside your pride and admit your role in the affair -no matter how difficult that may be. If you feel like it, pray to God or rely on your support network for help, so everyone involved can resolve this situation in a win/win way that may benefit you both in the long term.
Remaining in the presence of sober minded people, as you navigate the sober highways and byways of life is crucial, so keep connected -regardless of where they might lead. Our circumstances can change but our sobriety will remain intact, only if we give time, time. We will pray for your continuous sobriety and hope this matter won't deter you from exploring the vast riches of this sober life and the fellowship of recovery that can be a God-Sent to everyone -including yourself, one day at a time.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 23rd of April 2011 09:48:07 PM
Made me feel so great that I have the privledge of being here.
Thank You..
Toni
Bill if that response was to me, I would copy and paste on a wall. Great words and so much clarity and compassion for all.
For all that read John Post on the AMA, it gave me chills to think how we are all so blessed, and that Post humbled me to the floor in Prayer. Thank you again John
LB, I'm intrigued. amends, would that be simply not repeating the behaviour? Apologies for what I said are not, I thnk, appropriate as I beieve I told the truth. Maybr in a cold, nasty and frightening way. I really don't think that amrnd for honest emotions are in order.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Hey Bill , Jamie Alcoholic thanks to the fellowship the program and God as I understand God I haven't had the need to drink today.
I had a similar situation recently where my mother in law judged me and spoke to me like a little kid and a piece of sheet. I then proceeded to say F*** you F*** this and F*** this whole sick family.
Now what my sponsor asked me in the clean up operation was did I owe an apology. I said no. She had treated me harshly and had that coming. What he then pointed out to me is................. this is about me and my experience on this earth noone elses, I only have to clean off my conscience. The second thing is I found my conscience actually only started to hurt about three days after the fact when the grouch and the brainstorm had past. Sometimes for me and I'm only talking for me, it can take me days to calm down and only then do I FEEL the burn of my actions on my conscience.
I rang my mother in law in this instance and humbled myself in such a way I thought my ego was going to break me off at the neck, and what was her response ? Oh wow, thanks Jamie I'm so glad you apologised ???.......................no frigging way it was like ..............." Thanks for the call.........Goodbye".
It's a selfish program, and it's about my experience, I say sorry for my enjoyment and benefit not theirs.
Jamie :)
-- Edited by Jamie D on Saturday 23rd of April 2011 05:25:37 PM
I'm onna go with Jamie here, sit for a few days and it will become clear what needs to be done, sometimes it's nothing, sometimes it's cleaning the mess up, sometimes it's me not punching them in the mouth, sometimes it's no contact, but it's something that leaves you feeling "clean" whatever it is, amends is repairing the damage, sometimes that's just a living amends, whatever that looks like, in the fourth step it talks about we realize that they, like us, are/have been sick people
"hurt people hurt people" and that's just how that is, so for me priority one is getting "unhurt" so I don't continue to hurt others, because at one point in my life I was making amends left and right as fast as I could but it was meaningless because I kept repeating the behavior
"To Thine Own Self Be True" is written on our coins for a reason, it's the cornerstone of recovery
-- Edited by LinBaba on Saturday 23rd of April 2011 08:30:24 PM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Bottom line here is that there is a resentment lurking . And its not even really lurking anymore seeing as you acted it out Bill.
But- before the resentment took shape, there was fear .... Fear that you would lose something you already possessed, or fear that you wouldn't get something you think you deserve.
Oh my God, Bill. I am literally shaking and crying as I read this, because I so recognize myself in your every word and thought in that post. I know now that I am not unique. I am an alcoholic and this disease is poison in my head that will never be entirely gone. There won't be a day that I wake up "cured" or "healed" of this. I need to work this program every day of my life or I am capable of going to Crazy Town in 0.5 seconds, too.
This is a wake up call about the seriousness of this disease, we don't even have to have any alcohol in our systems to totally lose it! Two weeks ago, after attending a meeting and telling everyone what a great and patient Mom I'm becoming because of this program, my son did something incredibly disrespectful, and I got pissed. He earned himself a time out, but I managed to react in a relatively calm manner, though my blood was boiling under the surface. He then threw a shoe at me and shouted obsenities to me from his time out place and I flipped out. I raged. I got within an inch of his face and told him I wanted to smack him in his face. I didn't, but could in that moment understand how people beat the sh*t out of their kids. And it happened FAST. I was alarmed. I walked away and gave myself a time out breather in my bedroom, then after a few minutes came back and dropped to my knees and cried with my son. We prayed to God to help us when we are angry to calm down and do the right thing. I said sorry I lost my temper, and he apologized for throwing the shoe and yelling. We talked it out and said next time we will calm down first and not react when mad.
It is of utmost importance to put our recoveries first priority, and when we think we don't need this anymore, that is when we are truly in the most trouble. I had been going to meetings and talking the talk, but in that moment realized my spiritual condition needed work. The type of work we must do it daily, and we must be rigorously honest. When things aren't peachy, we need to reach out and tell someone, not hold it in, because things will bottle up and blow up and I am afraid of what I am capable of becoming when my alcoholism goes untreated.
Bill, I pray for your inner peace and restored balance and harmony in your life. WE have all the tools WE need, just gotta use them. Your sister in recovery, Heather
