So it was rainy today and it affected my work and as a result I've had the day off. Short on funds at the moment so rather than stay home bored and broke I thought I'd go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. Did something today when asked to share I never thought I would. I said " Hello my name is Jamie and I'm an alcoholic and I have not got a clue what to say". That felt incredibly vulnerable and raw, I loved it. I have no idea what so ever what to say, I have nothing prepared totally impromptu here people.
I don't think I have one time gotten up at an AA meeting and said I have no idea what the hell to say. I always, and I mean always have some witty , recovery based humour or funny story to share from my experience strength and hope. Then that opening began a flowing share out of me the likes of which I have never heard come out of my mouth. All this exposing stuff about how I'm getting dumber and have less "ideas" and yet I am becoming happier and more serene. How weird is that ???? I remember saying something like I have no idea if this rain will stop, wether I'll make it home or my car will break down, who the next speaker will be or what effect they'll have on the meeting, I think I am finally giving up playing God. It's like when I'm watching a really good movie for the second time around and I know how it plays out, it's good , but I'm just not really on the edge of my seat with excitement and curiousity when I play God and "think" I know the outcome.
This is what quitting playing God is giving back to me. I'm on the edge of my seat, and I have no idea what is coming next, and I love it. The less I "know" the happier I am and the more interested in life for that matter. And I've only had to play God to the point of going absolutely raving mad to learn playing God isn't a good idea so thats not bad for me LMAO.
The letting go of all my old ideas who would have thought this concept would be the hard one in the program, gee wizz. Still love this AA thing though so, so very much even 5 years into it, you guys and your program just blows my socks off with delight , I'm tickled pink blue and purple ,may it end only with death sober. :)
Jamie
-- Edited by Jamie D on Sunday 17th of April 2011 11:28:39 PM
So it was rainy today and it affected my work and as a result I've had the day off. Short on funds at the moment so rather than stay home bored and broke I thought I'd go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. Did something today when asked to share I never thought I would. I said " Hello my name is Jamie and I'm an alcoholic and I have not got a clue what to say". That felt incredibly vulnerable and raw, I loved it. I have no idea what so ever what to say, I have nothing prepared totally impromptu here people.
I don't think I have one time gotten up at an AA meeting and said I have no idea what the hell to say. I always, and I mean always have some witty , recovery based humour or funny story to share from my experience strength and hope. Then that opening began a flowing share out of me the likes of which I have never heard come out of my mouth. All this exposing stuff about how I'm getting dumber and have less "ideas" and yet I am becoming happier and more serene. How weird is that ???? I remember saying something like I have no idea if this rain will stop, wether I'll make it home or my car will break down, who the next speaker will be or what effect they'll have on the meeting, I think I am finally giving up playing God. It's like when I'm watching a really good movie for the second time around and I know how it plays out, it's good , but I'm just not really on the edge of my seat with excitement and curiousity when I play God and "think" I know the outcome.
This is what quitting playing God is giving back to me. I'm on the edge of my seat, and I have no idea what is coming next, and I love it. The less I "know" the happier I am and the more interested in life for that matter. And I've only had to play God to the point of going absolutely raving mad to learn playing God isn't a good idea so thats not bad for me LMAO.
The letting go of all my old ideas who would have thought this concept would be the hard one in the program, gee wizz. Still love this AA thing though so, so very much even 5 years into it, you guys and your program just blows my socks off with delight , I'm tickled pink blue and purple ,may it end only with death sober. :)
Jamie
-- Edited by Jamie D on Sunday 17th of April 2011 11:28:39 PM
Aloha Jamie...the reminder for me is that I have learned more by keeping my mouth shut and my ears open. I like to listen also because it lets others into my head rather than being alone up there by myself. Stay honest.
Nice Jaime! Sharing is not a competitive sport, when we let God in ,it becomes evident to the group,no matter what you said ,it helped you take part in your own recovery and I would be willing to bet someone elses also..This is "we" guys" and "Our" program one helping another ........peace.
__________________
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Nice! Typically, I haven't shared at meetinqs for years. It seems like when I do, my multi fellowship blended messaqe, alonq with stuff from other books and thinqs that I've worked out about my own recovery, tends to draw rollinq of eyes and waqqinq of heads, for it's not chapter and verse standard boilerplate AA speak. So I sit and listen, to remind myself of "what it could be like" if I decide to pick up aqain or "self will run riot". I'm very qrateful for this place as I can't see your eyes rollinq or heads waqqinq lol.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Monday 18th of April 2011 11:15:12 AM
Its true .. I feel so much better when I just sit and listen, and dont know what Im going to say/share. My sponsor has always told me to ... let the thoughts be Gods and the words be mine.
lolol.. and yeah, its true also that the more I learn, the less I seem to know. and, thats okay with me today. Its almost like 'whatever' ... Im good with that, I go with the flow. Im happy on a regular basis and I could NEVER say that when I was drinking.
@ Happycamper. I think you are right, it's not so much getting dumber it's really just accepting that I need to let go of what I think "is" and just be more receptive to God and what actually is.
