Our Wants

ACCEPTANCE—I want to be warmly received without condition.

GRACE—I want something good (e.g., forgiveness) that I don't deserve.

CONNECTION—I want to be united to others.

COMPANIONSHIP—I want deep, intimate relationships.

SUCCESS—I want to achieve or accomplish something.

SELF-DETERMINATION—I want to have independence and free will.

UNDERSTANDING—I want to be known.

LOVE—I want to feel attractive to others.

VALIDATION—I want to be valued for who I am.

COMPETENCE—I want to have skills and ability that bring success.

RESPECT—I want to be admired and esteemed.

WORTH—I want to feel important.

HONOR—I want to feel like a priceless treasure.

COMMITMENT—I want to have unconditional security in relationships.

SIGNIFICANCE—I want to have meaning and purpose.

ATTENTION—I want to be noticed.

COMFORT—I want to feel a sense of well-being.

SUPPORT—I want to be cared for.

APPROVAL—I want to be liked and accepted.

WANTED—I want to be sought after.

SAFETY—I want to feel protected and secure.

AFFECTION—I want to feel fondness and warmth.

TRUST—I want to have faith in others.

HOPE—I want confidence that I will get what I love and desire.

JOY—I want to feel satisfied and happy.

3. You fear.  You want to connect, but you fear you're not attractive enough (or competent enough or smart enough or whatever). You want to be accepted, but you fear you're not good enough. You want respect, but you fear the other person will look down on you. You want to control your situation, but you fear you are powerless.

Do you see how your fears actually reflect your wants? When you feel your wants won't be fulfilled, you experience fear:

We can't live without ________. So we fear ________ (You fill in the blanks)

Acceptance.......Rejection.......

Grace..... Judgment.....

 Connection....... Disconnection......

 Companionship...... Loneliness......

 Success...... Failure......

 Self-Determination....... Powerlessness.......

 Understanding....... Being misunderstood.......

 Love...... Being scorned.......

 Validation....... Being invalidated.......

 Competence....... Feeling defective.......

 Respect....... Inferiority.......

 Worth....... Worthlessness.......

 Honor....... Feeling devalued.......

 Dignity....... Humiliation.......

 Commitment....... Abandonment.......

 Significance....... Feeling unimportant.......

 Attention....... Feeling ignored.......

 Support....... Neglect.......

 Approval....... Condemnation.......

 Wanted....... Feeling unwanted.......

 Safety....... Danger.......

 Affection....... Feeling disliked.......

 Trust....... Mistrust.......

 Hope....... Despair.......

 Joy....... Unhappiness.......

 All of our deepest desires stem from our desires for connection and control. Our deepest fears, then, are the fear of losing connection and losing control.

4. You react. If you are like most people, you—consciously and unconsciously—fall into well-worn patterns of reacting when someone pushes your fear button. You'll do anything to soothe your hurt. You'll do anything to avoid the awful feeling of want. You'll do or say anything to calm your fear.

More often than not, your emotions and thinking result in behavior that damages your relationships. When you fear that your wants will not be fulfilled, you react. You may fear losing control, so you try to seize control.

You may fear losing connection, so you try to seize connection. Our team describes these reactions as your attempt to become the broker for your own wants. You desperately want your way—to be sovereign, to overcome your feelings of helplessness.

This means that it's not merely your core fear that disrupts and injures your relationships. It's how you choose to react when someone pushes your fear button. Most of us use unhealthy, faulty reactions to deal with our fear, and as a result we sabotage our relationships.