Ever since I was a little child I never knew who I was. I felt special, connected, different, lost. I have been & so often felt confused. I thought something brilliant might happen with me as I grew & mastered this world. As it happened, this didn't happen & instead of fulfillment of some amazing purpose I grew evermore distant from reality & sanity & eventually came to consider myself mentally ill/damaged & unable to understand like some confounding learning difficulty that has continuously kept me separate & stuck.
This frustrates me to write now as I have always wanted to acheive, get well & make sense but as it is I have carried blocks, sadness, & feeling ****ed. Like something irrepairable that I can't reach like as if it's too late, too much has happened & I'm too complicated. This is my existential struggle. Feeling clever & stupid at the same time. Feeling self-defining & a victim just as the same. 34 years old & still puzzled.
I grew up with mental illness, domestic violence, abandonment, rejection, conditional love, bullying, abuse. Life telling me not to be a victim when I have been a victim & yet desperate to recover from something I don't fully understand. How can I grow & improve when I don't have the skills, brain ability & capacity to understand? On the deepest level I've wanted to & can't help to continue hating myself though at the same time trying to fight it.
I can't breath as I speak because I've never allowed myself to convey the complexity of my truth whilst at the same time letting go. My fear & self-loathing have burrowed underground & has wanted to defend itself with self-harm whenever challenged.
I've never fully understood rights & wrongs as I didn't know how to reconcile differences. In amongst all of this has been & is my deep underlying & somehow justified sense of shame. How could I escape it when everywhere I turn there is proof for the reason it should exist?
I can't fight my inadequacy. It's like I HAVE FLASHES OF ****ING GENIUS *Know All Knows Nothing (scribbled like a crazy epileptic fit writing that)*. [Mum's words]
Frustration of being alone & not understood. Being alone & insane (scribblescribblefrenzy all over the page again) That's why I'm jealous of success in others (scribbled another sentence I can't read).
I thought it was safe in my head but it isn't. It's like a trap/alone/Disconnection.
Is this my turning & facing myself? The worst of myself? Everything I've EVER STRUGGLED WITH LIKE THE TRUTH OF ME THAT IS ACTUALLY FALSE BUT WHAT I'VE LIVED BY FOR ALL THESE YEARS AND RUN FROM AT THE SAME TIME.
MY HONESTY, REALITY AND TRUTH IS NOW ALL ABOUT MY INTEGRITY (GOOD AND BAD NO MORE ****ING SHAME BUT SHARING IT ALL IN A BID FOR FREEDOM) AND TELLING MY EGO AND CONFUSION THAT IT IS WRONG. I CAN BE CONFUSED AND LEARNING. IT DOESN'T MEAN I'M MAD.
I don't know how to perceive reality, too much to think. Get lost by possibilities.
My innerchild still asks these questions & wants to know what she didn't know or learned wrong like "what other people think doesn't matter" yet at the same time as being bullied & annihilated. Tell her this doesn't matter. No wonder she was confused & couldn't marry up reality.
I don't care about music, politics, geography, fashion, even general opinions on worldly topics because my sense of the world doesn't stretch that far. Confused about what I like & what I don't like. I do like people reconciling with liking & enjoying themselves. I don't like yet can't help my self-centredness. How can I move out from this whilst being true for/to myself? Integrity.
I do feel like there's this outside culture going on without me which is why I enjoyed the intimacy, honesty & trust of recovery but how much do I need a bubble? There's so much I don't get in the world like the ability to follow conversations & understand things outside my own experience or invention.
Self-obsession resultant from familiarity. Alcohol eased all of my struggles. The pain & misunderstanding of being me. The dilemma of living. The tension between the pressure of my inner world & the outer world.
I've been hoping for an education to understand me. It's always been the first thing I didn't know. I struggled with HOW COULD I POSSIBLY have learned anything else on top of that. I knew I always struggled just with being a person, a human being like as if I haven't truly had the mental capacity for it. This has been the crux of my human condtion, let alone alcoholism. Whatever else could I be an expert in if not even this sense of self.
Evidence ~ Attention Deficit Disorder, Lack of Concentration/Imperfection, Inability to understand other languages, inability to make polite conversation or even ask questions of interest, inability to pay attention to stories, conversation, reading, news, movies or understand structures in society, needing constant repetition, not understanding numbers, measures, inability to imagine from what people are saying, I couldn't even do my times tables in juniors, couldn't understand or envision chronology of history, lack of imagination in certain areas & too much in others. Inability to describe vocally in good detail & articulation, difficulty following instructions.
Overwhelmed by the world & what I could give or be useful for. NEVER ****ING ENOUGH. Well enough to try but never able enough to truly succeed & here comes MY VICTIMHOOD... I can't ****ing breathe! VICTIM OF SEXUAL ABUSE, FEAR, DV, ABANDONMENT, SINGLE PARENT, STEP DAD, ALCOHOLISM, MENTAL ILLNESS, RELIGIONISM, CONDITIONAL LOVE, MUM'S NEEDS, EMOTIONAL INCEST, CHAOS, NO BOUNDARIES, LACK OF INTEREST IN US, BULLYING RIGHT THROUGH SCHOOL, LONELINESS, LOVE WAS NEVER ENOUGH FOR ITS OWN SAKE, loving to blame, too much sad history, Feeling like I was alone but not really, that no one else was telling the truth about being troubled. I wanted to get on in empathy but not everyone else was a victim or saw themselves as that or they did but were swamped in self-justification & confidence which I never seemed to have. NO SELF BELIEF AND A CONTRADICTION IN TERMS.
COMPLETE CONFLICT. Telling me I'm not to be a victim whilst at the same time acknowledging causes & effects but they're not supposed to apply to me.
What are my rules?
I come from a working class, underprivileged background, my experiences mean I am ****, deserved it & cannot/must not change, I'm not supposed to, I'm supposed to stay a victim, my inability to grow gives me this message, every time I try to grow I meet blocks as if this proves me wrong. I blame my Mum, "She is, therefore, I am."
My Ego is cunning, baffling & powerful. Without help it is too much for me. Living life by rules of fear & negativity, self-identity to try & stay small & so safe/trapped! What is my self-made prison?
All of it just based on this faulty thoughtscape in the first place.
True new thought cannot penetrate this construct.
What about when you find out you've been living a lie & what if some things don't change & your ego thinks it can find evidence again? Is there a way I can continue to defy all of this & move beyond to the real, honest to God truth?
Can I live with myself in a reality of confusion without shame? Can I adapt myself to the simplicity of who I am?
Can I be true to my own talents & gently let go of the rest without worry? Can I understand what I don't know & work with what is meant for me as it comes?
Through my authenticity. I am meeting myself coming back & I'm not getting away. One Inventory, two inventories, three inventories were never enough. I can keep on with a commentary of me & reconcile it with what I am trying to learn (or want to know).
This can & could be a beauty in me, The Good, the Bad & the Ugly, warts & all. Meeting myself truly where I am & growing from here without my ego's censoring, self-interested self-protection. Love & Let Go; Live & Let Live.
I'm exhausted & can breathe again No need to compete with God
Thank you if you got this far. This is a picture of my inner difficulties. Much of it is rhetorical & has been the blocks I'm talking about that get in the way of me simply being present in the moment & listening for new life experience with new meanings all the time. I'm so grateful to even be at a point where I can share of myself in this way with you all. (was terrified of showing you my struggle & conflict because my ego told me that if I showed you you would look at it & go 'Yes, Danielle, you're right, you're absolutely cracked, ****ed, broken, irrepairable, undesirable, mad, missing in action & beyond help, I'm surprised you got this far!'
I didn't know how to take all this power back from my ego. I've done so much with my steps in AA & CoDA but my ego knew how to hang on underneath..
Thank God I feel differently Just For Today. There is a Solution. I took inventory again on this specific issue with someone with an amazing grasp of this process. She helped me reach in & touch the hard cold spot in me that had turned to stone & was blocking my spiritual sunshine. I love my Mum (& all her flaws) wholeheartedly again! lol I will share my experience, strength & hope regarding this in another thread when I've finished my written work. Thank you for listening & allowing me to share. I hope you may identify. Never alone again. God bless you, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
I felt humbled, after reading this post and how insightful and honest you are about the crux of your alcoholism -despite you're worries. It certainly merits a "pat on the back" from anyone, especially those who struggle with the "ebbs and flows" of life.
You talked about existentialism and how disconnected we can become. Life happens for a reason and with a purpose; and my ambitions have more to do with fulfilling that purpose than any predetermined destiny. Achieving certain goals in life, like attaining lasting peace and contenment are worthwhile pursuits and can produce greater results -here and hereafter. My ultimate goal, however, is not to win at all costs, which is the stereotypical modern day definition of success; but to provide an alternative to those traditional stereotypes by defining success in existential terms not ones based solely on the external barriers of modern day humanity.
I had a hard time defining my true worth, especially when differentiating between my own success and those of my family. The frustrations of being alone, disconnected and misunderstood -like you said- were both challenging and rewarding as were the feelings of self worth and acceptance. My epiphany was born out of curiosity not despair and a deep longing for knowledge; especially concerning "who I was" and "what my purpose" was in this world and how that would affect my future. My higher power revealed that purpose for my life, as I began to live out that dream in all its splendor, by uncovering my true potential under the obscure nature of my alcoholism. I haven't look back, since, and I hope everyone who hasn't discovered their potential, just yet, will do so; by God's grace, this fellowship and the voice of AA -one day at a time.
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i am incredibly impressed that u have the ability to communicate all this..i related to it as if u were tellling much of my own story.(did u follow me around and take notes?) hehe.i know its not funny...and since you were so incredibly brave im gonna share a little too. i dont have the attention deficit disorder, however i have the dissociated identity disorder. this makes life a bit confusing for sure..ive been in thereapy off and on for the 22 years im in recovery. the last 7/8 years with an excellant therapist who deals in the "stuff" i come from.. i love my mom but she is a psychopath and my family of orgin is toxic enough that i have very little contact with any of them..i call it being "raised by wolves" its very much like growing up in a cult and i have to fight core beliefs such as i "believe" on a deep level im a worthless prostitue ..no one will ever love me..i deseverved all i got . ect. i have a head full of horror and chronic nightmares. i have a "criminal" mind.( a cop told me this) recovery for me has been like being transported to another planet. i didnt understand the basic language or the rules of anything. i was learning to be "human" from less than the ground up. i was frozen like glacier hard and the unthawing is agony ..i felt profoundly different than a lot of people in recovery..my life had been so focused on just surviving.. and i mean that to the basics of food and shelter, i was not very functional for a long time. (im still not) having a belief in a higher power has been the main gig for me..i spend my time hating it and needing it..occasionally loving it..i have had spiritual experiances that were wake the neighbors and call the newspapers there really is a God. and long periods of feeling utterly alone. I dont know why i dont give up..i dont know why i havent had a drink ect. for 22 years. I have more times that i hate being me that liking it. im an artist that doesnt believe my stuff will ever serve any real purpose. im a writer who has had writers block for decades. nothing in my life went anywhere near where i hoped. The best thing i can say is that i am "real" my heart is alive. maybe that was the whole point. i dont know. i once read that the AA program is an ocean and most of the people go in just up to there ankles..only a few dive and go deep.. i supposed the more agony your soul is in the deeper u must go to find it again. in that sense im lucky. some stuff "i know" and am incapable of communicating it. i can say with absolute certainty i have been lead by a power greater than myself to the paths of healing that my "split apart soul" required to be made a whole as i can achieve in this life time.
Read this, early, and still waiting for the words.....so excuiatingly honesty and powerful in your insight like God was holding up a mirror and saying My Blessed Child, tell me how you see this beautiful child that I created, in a cry of hunger to heal the wounds....
Danielle, have a ton of stuff that I want to respond to, perhaps in email.....seems more descreet in its own way.
With all the LOVE my heart has in it, I give that to you on a Silver Plater.
Thank you so very much for the COURAGE that it demanded to come forward, and let that hurting to the core little girl tell us how you ache inside, and what that feels like.
Speaking of acheing, my arms just ache to wrap them around you and tell you that you are perfect, you are so Loved by God and HE will take away every single scar and heal them, one by one.....Trust me, my dear Sister, it happened for me when I submitted to a very long commitment to personal counseling.
Got in there and through hynotherapy, faced those demons, one by one, and once the Demon is faced, they simply dissapear, but they stay stuck down in the core of us until we Trust the Therapist, and Trust the Process through and with God's direction always....that was the Process,
I recall telling this therapist when she asked my what my goals were when we began, the first thing I said was that I was willing to undergo this treatment to futher guard against ever going back to the ravages of Alcoholism, and secondly and just as important, I want to discover who it is that I am.
Regardless of whether I was raised by a rangeing Schizophenic woman that saw my father that died just before I was born, and became someone she loathed, or on the other side, OR on the other side of that if I was raised as a spoiled Rockerfeller child with all the love, and every opportunity laying at my feet..............who was the person ...that God made that is disconnected from either background, Just Who am I.....?
The rewards of the Therapy after 7 years, I made it, I did discover that Person...well it feels like I did..... no longer tied to my past, the steps helped so much in this Process, but it all worked together. God's light lighting up the big dark ominous iceberg underder the water level, that is where those buggers hide, ( I call this underwater iceberg, my own subconious mind that has so much power in it) hope you go pull each and every one up and toss them in a pile, and watch as God makes them dissapear.
With All my love, thank you for the Courage it took, it takes what it takes.
(((Danielle)))) I will answer you -over there- but wanted to say, "Wow" well done, GOOD share, thank you so much, I've kinda had a long day and have another one tomorrow but wanted to say I -will- be responding to this
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
I have God, that's all. When I read a share that's this honest and in depth I really feel the need and it is a need to say something clever. But I have no-thing but God.
Thank you, each of you, for returning my heart with the love of yours. I felt wide open & vulnerable to your touch after posting & hoped for your empathy, understanding & sensitivity. I feel loved, embraced in amidst you & held together in our circle. You are beautiful, feeling people in tussles of your own & it is so true how our experience can help others. I need a lot of courage, hope & willingness while I move through these tests to a new consciousness of emotional sobriety. I'm addressing my Mum issues which are actually turning out to be my own that I can own & keep returning to love so that I can channel peace like the adult I am as the steps teach me. It is an extraordinary journey I could possibly leave in a moment of weakness if it wasn't for all of you & your conviction to continue too. I love all of you. I'll write something for each of you on your walls when I have a bit more time. I can only literally swing by in the next couple of days so stay close in the spirit. I'll be with you all again soon. Love & fellowship, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
