I've seen it shared before on this board in a post by another member that at about the five year point in a members sobriety things "can" get hellish and turbulent emotionally. I've also heard Bob Earl of whom I am a great fan, say once before in one of his recorded talks ( not the about your head tape) this one was recorded in 2001 ,that when he attended an AA conference there was great representation in all stages of sobriety except 5-10 years. Then he asks the audience if they know why ? The answer he gives is that his opinion is , this is the point at which the FEELINGS return with a vegeance. At which time you have to work for it or you just might disappear from the AA scene altogether as demonstrated by the absence of the 5-10 year people at the conference in question.
Now the funny thing is this is where I am right now. Right in the middle of the choppy waters. I've tried to run this five year mark theory past my sponsor who's opinion is "That's crap , if you say theres a rough point at the five year mark , you'll create it in your head and it will become real". To which last night I answered when I was having a coffee and making an inventory round at his house over this stuff, " well all I know is that I'm going through a rough spot and I'm five years sober".
I would love , be humbled and blessed if any of the older sober members could share by Gods grace with me your experience of the 5 year mark. Am I creating it in my head ? Because I realise that could well be a possibility, or is this a very real high water mark in sobriety?
Emotionally at the moment, I feel like Luke Skyewalker in the final scene of Return of the Jedi, where the emperor gets killed . Except in the real world of sobriety I'm not sure if Darth Vader is going to through me or the emperor down the shaft.
The pains of drinking had to come before sobriety and emotional turmoil before serenity. How true...We all can achieve peace and contentment -one day at a time.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Tuesday 5th of April 2011 02:04:13 AM
Hey Jamie, I didn't seem to have qone throuqh that at 5, althouqh there were some serious family issues, involvinq my father, that were qoinq on at that time. I manaqed to qet throuqh it. I remember havinq a qreat feelinq, after passinq the 5yr mark. I felt very comfortable with my sobriety, especially when dealinq with others. I was able to discuss it without any sense of shame. I was truly qrateful to be a recoveryinq alcoholic, and saw my malady as just an alerqy that I, in a way, benefited spiritually from. Sometimes I feel sorry for those that don't have the spiritual connection that I have, and feel it was well worth the pain experienced to qet to this point. Also, it's Does just keepinq better. Every 5 years there has been some major qift in my life. Try not to think too much. Enjoy each day that you're alive, like it's your last.
Yeah my friends told me that, at 5 years my stuff would come bubbling up, it did, and since it was pointed out to me, and I sponsored prolifically for many years I started watching for it and noticing it, I watched others go through the same process, now the funny thing is it always seems triggered by outside stuff, as in Deans post, but there I was at 5 years in the choppy waters finding out Darth Vader was my father at 5 years too
It passes and in my experience it's the beginning of true emotional maturity, of individuation, the years of evolution for men are in Sobriety in AA that are working the steps are similar to the emotional development of infants, with us going through the terrible twos, the tantrums, being "know it alls" but not understanding why we are still in so much pain, the loneliness of year 3, to our family of origin stuff coming out in year five, for me, after five years is when we enter adulthood, so yeah we enter choppy waters but by then we have the tools, the paddle and life jacket to navigate the turbulent waters also known as a support group, sponsor and steps
just my experience and observations, some people show up and are as calm and placid as Hindu Cows from wek one, true I doubt their emotional depth, but I admit a twinge of envy as they calmly chew their cud as I hit the next stage of emotional development that resembles nothing so much as a giant rollercoaster ride, I have larned though, that the time to prepare is those long slow calm times when you hear that click click click sound as the rollercoaster takes you to the top of the ride, because a ride is coming and if I am prepared it's fun, and if I have been neglecting my program because everything seemed so quiet the ride is a little less comfortable
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
I didnt have anymore problems at 5 years than any other time. I like Juanwaun reply. Things are always going to happen and we just have to work the program and talk to other Recovering Alkie's. I do know if I dont go to meetings on a regular basis, I get a little crazier than usual. Forget about the 5 year mark and deal with life on life's terms. We dnt need anymore CRAP in our heads than necessary.
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The smallest of good deeds is greater than the best of intentions.
Anonymous
No question, my roughest year in sobriety was year 6, or basically the time shortly after I got my 5 year coin. It's hard to tell this story without adding to the year 5 mythology, but I believe it's basically mythology. Everybody is going to have a rough time in sobriety sooner or later. That's life.
My rough year in sobriety happened when it did because that's how long it took for my wife to leave me. We had been married 5 years when I came to AA. We had gone through a lot of issues with her kids, but between "us", I thought things were good. They weren't. When issues came up in my 2nd year of sobriety, I was caught off guard. We reconciled, but did so apparently by never really looking at the problem. She didn't want to do marriage counseling because she thought the problem was me, and I needed the counseling. I took that to mean that she thought she was perfect, and that I didn't measure up. The reality was, she was done with me even *before* I got sober, but simply had no clear realization of that fact nor any plan to do without me. So the reconciliation came about by me declaring myself the villain, accepting all the blame, and her being relieved that she didn't have to go out on her own just yet.
The magic 5 year mark coincided with all of her kids being grown, or at least out of high school. Coincided with a lot of things, that weren't under my control... as far as I can see, she never had a long term plan but had long been chafing in the relationship but lacked a means or method for an out. When she found one, she exercised it.
So in year 6 I had to deal with being single again, with really no more clue how to go date women or make myself attractive to them than I had had before when I just got lucky and met someone who fell for me. In hindsight, I think she fell for me because I was the antithesis of her first husband. We were both alcoholics - although she didn't know I was - but very different in most every other ways including physical appearance. That's why it's kind of obvious that none of "my" kids look like me... LOL.
I saw this in my own mother... her second husband is really nothing like my dad. Actually I've come to see some similarities, but on the surface they are complete opposites, to the point that had they ever met (they never did), my dad and stepdad would not have liked each other at all.
At any rate, it now is clear to me that I served a purpose in that woman's life, and that purpose wasn't true love till death do us part. She wasn't conscious of that I'm sure. We were very much in love and smitten - but that part wore off, for her anyway, and I was nothing but a provider and let's face it, a willing servant. As the purpose faded, so did her ability to conceal the fact that - as my sponsor put it - she just didn't like me anymore. She wasn't interested in counseling or working on the relationship because she had left it long ago. Whatever grief there may have been on her part had long ago been processed out. I was just an empty box to her by the time she took me to the curb.
Of course it wasn't that way for me.
As to why this happened in my 6th year of sobriety - actually, I found out she was dumping me 56 days after I got my 5 year coin - well, it's just when all those factors came together. I was oblivious to it.
The 17th anniversary of her dumping me just passed by on Sunday. And it was a Sunday then too. I think this is the first time I ever had April 3-4 go by *without* thinking of it as the anniversary of being dumped. Nobody wants to hear how long it takes, but it's not really that it takes 17 years for the pain to go away. It starts to get better fairly soon, and at some point you declare yourself pain-free. Then 2 years after that you say whoa, I'm *really* pain free now, back then I was kidding myself. Then after 17 years you say dang, what a long strange trip it's been - was I once THAT messed up over that crazy woman?
The only time I ever heard about about any such "fives" I was living in a Women's Recovery Center for a month, and one of the counselors was tell all of us to be very cafeful and know when you were at any five year anything, 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 months.
So I did that at 5 weeks, 5 months, bu to be honest with you, think I forgot when it was 5 years, I was in the middle of doing some very intense hypnothery, and everyday was really hard, stayed in that therapy, and of course that got easier, but the first two years were really difficult. Therapy 3 times a week, meetings every night at 6:00.
So don't know if it is myth, I would say just as that counselor said, be careful, and as close to the rooms as you can and with your Sponsor, I say this only cause it sounds like it has "spooked" you......
For me if I was spooked about anything, I would deliberate ask God to help me change it to The Glorious 5 Year mark that HE has brought me too.
Big fat hugs, and HAPPY, HAPPY HAPPY FIVE YEAR Birthday.
Hey Guys. Thanks o much for being kind enough to share with me your private stories I feel very humbled and loved by this fellowship wherever I go. The thing I have to try hard to accept is that I can never repay what you people in this society have given me , never. But I can try, and I can be grateful for all of your wonderful support.
@ Barisax , man ..........I loved your share so, so much God Bless
Aloha Jamie...I don't remember a 5 year mark other than I was still not sold on recovery and dry and in the Al-Anon Family Groups. I wasn't trusting or into "following the program" as suggested because I didn't know anything still and didn't know that I didn't know somewhat. I didn't know about emotions...I knew about thoughts about things and not feelings. I got my definition for feelings or emotions from my VA alcoholism counselor back then and it is still in use..."An inside response to an outside event". That was a very large AHA!! for me and just one of the many open doors I would pass thru along the way to today. Everyday was a challenge for me as I had to go after all of my thoughts and beliefs and review and judge my behaviors in order to find out who I was and how had I become the person I was then. God it got crazy!! or crazier than I had experienced up until then. I was alcohol free for 9 years before coming into AA for purpose...to continue my sobriety and build a program which would prevent the possibility of relapse becoming real. Our disease is soooo cunning, powerful and baffling and that is what makes it dreaded for me.
Congradulations on your recovery work and journey. Keep reaching out for and passing on what you have gained. Mahalo for your post.
I felt like I was just waking up in my fifth year. A certain depth of my illness was becoming apparent. However, from time to time, I would feel disdain at the thought I was a real alcoholic - I still had the dream of escaping and leading a normal life without the crazies in the rooms. At times I would stop going to meetings for a few months and when things got crazy enough I'd go back and get balanced. I'm just into my seventh year now and the growth is pretty much along the same lines but I now admit I'm an alcoholic on a much deeper level. I apply step one to all my affairs and all the people in my life. I have a greater recognition of my character defects and practicing the steps have made it easier to be there for others. Sobriety has not been an easy ride these past few years. The five year mark was the beginning of growing up for me. It was the start of a much deeper realization of how crazy my life had been previously. As years in recovery go by the depth of that craziness and the truth of the description of the alcoholic and my acceptance I am one - without shame and guilt grows. I feel like I'm constantly being tempered and softened in a forge. My thinking is completely different from when I first walked through the doors. The meaning of the steps are always changing and I have realized (for me anyways) that they have to be worked day by day and some minute by minute. They are living steps not exercises. Like threads woven into the tapestry of my life. I don't feel like I'm the same person and I often scoff at the responsibility I have to take for myself. I guess it's called discipline. However, I figure sloth is another aspect of my disease that's slowly being washed away by being actively engaged in recovery. My alcoholism was so fully entrenched at such an early age that I realize that is only by the grace of my higher power, or good karma, (call it what you will) that I have kept my chair in the rooms. So many years I had tried to quit or control the drinking on my own. What a fantastic blessing to still have a chair.
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"Many of us tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely."
