I'm really good at building up fantasy worlds im my head. Then I start to confuse the fantasies with reality until I convince myself that the fantasy is the reality. Then when I see the true reality I'm hurt that the reality doesn't match the fantasy. There won't be a happy ever after. All I have is what God gives me. Day by day. All I have to do is fit myself to reality and everything will be ok. It shouldn't be so hard to do should it? It seems as though I might have swapped the crumbs from one womans table for the crumbs from another womans table. But the crumbs from the other woman are more substantial and I know why I only get the crumbs. It's somehow more satisfying. I have problems with trust. Some people I trust too much. Usually women. Some people I trust too little. Usually men. Some people I trust just right. Usually AA people and the odd civvy, especially those who quietly hold a deep and solid Faith. It's a learning curve. Maybe I'll get it more right the older I get. Chances are that the dalliance with another woman will be no more than a pleasant interlude and maybe a last roll of the emotional dice. I suddenly feel that today I have only myself for companionship. That I have to be content with my own company and reliant on my own resources. For years I was so lonely within a marriage and for the past 5 and a bit years I was desperately clinging on to the shreds of a sick relationship, trying to breathe life back into it. There is no life left in the ashes of that fire. The flame of this other relationship is strong but unlikely to grow bigger. It's enough for now. This is the difference between holding a co dependent woman hostage and trying to relate to an independent woman. Learning to have a relationship based on equality and mutual growth. This might be the relationship where I learn stuff but it might not have the legs to go a distance. It's all good stuff but it's all new to me.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Thanks for sharing Bill....Alot of what you have been talking about has really hit home. I went thru a divorce too. Took getting sober to figure it out. I feel your pain. Hard to trust. I find I to have a hard time trusting. Either trust to much or not enough uggg. When I look back to where I was and where I am today i smile. Believe it or not ,It is exciting when you finally let go of that relation ship that you have been hanging on to for so long. By a thread. A true relationship isnt like that at all. I have found someone where I can be ME and he can be HIM. We are open with our communication. Now dont get me wrong, some times we drive each other crazy but we are open and loving about it. Very, Very new to me. So thanks again for sharing your journey it really, really helps me see things. Have a wonderful day Bill!!
You are doing a lot of growing and questioning yourself. Who knows where it will wind up with your new relationships. One thing is for sure though...you will be happier in the long run.
Also, try not to look at this new thing as you "last chance" in a relationship. You are still relatively young and now you have a lot more going for you. Heck, you might even try dating multiple women and not be super committed to any of them. Dating is not a bad thing. Going on lots of dates helped change my self-image a bit because none of them knew the drunk me...all of them were relating to the "changed" me and I realized I was more appealing and capable of finding better partners than I ever thought.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I'm just trying to keep it real. There's a big age gap physically but not im term of maturity. (we're both big kids). But there are some issues from my part that are really heavy and can have negative consequences unless handled with absolute honesty. So this relationship is on a very light touch level. I've been explicitly honest with her about my past and the relationship has had to move im different direction at a different pace but it's still satisfying for both of us. So one day at a time and let's see what god has for me and us next.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
That young Bikerman was as honest and real a share than I have ever heard from you. Sounds like you're inventorying "all" of you and not just parts. I visit the "me" focus reading this and see that you are finding high contrast in your awareness of BBill. It reminds me of the good work, the stuff that come with grand spiritual, emotional, mental and physical benefit. It reminds me of learning how to be okay with Jerry F and not "needing" someone or something else outside of me to complete me. It reminds me of learning how to give "margin" and "grace" like HP gives to me. She nor anyone else needs to be perfect...they are all acceptable as surely I am also.
I remember being led to these awarenesses and having my then sponsor ask me..."Okay, now that you know and know that your know...now what?" What do I do with it. The greater work follows.
My head tells me lies....False Evidence Appearing Real. You're growing BB and it is good to have you bring this journey here because it is also supportive. Don't put anything in the way of that which leads you toward your recovery.
Thanks
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 5th of April 2011 02:05:01 PM
That young Bikerman was as honest and real a share than I have ever heard from you. Sounds like you're inventorying "all" of you and not just parts. I visit the "me" focus reading this and see that you are finding high contrast in your awareness of BBill. It reminds me of the good work, the stuff that come with grand spiritual, emotional, mental and physical benefit. It reminds me of learning how to be okay with Jerry F and not "needing" someone or something else outside of me to complete me. It reminds me of learning how to give "margin" and "grace" like HP gives to me. She nor anyone else needs to be perfect...they are all acceptable as surely I am also.
I remember being led to these awarenesses and having my then sponsor ask me..."Okay, now that you know and know that your know...now what?" What do I do with it. The greater work follows.
My head tells me lies....False Evidence Appearing Real. You're growing BB and it is good to have you bring this journey here because it is also supportive. Don't put anything in the way of that which leads you toward your recovery.
Thanks
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 5th of April 2011 02:05:01 PM
Quoted for truth, Jerry put into words that which I couldn't, seriously Bill, thank you for sharing
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
