just stopping in before i go to sleep tonight

had some good things happen today, for a change..:)

my sister dropped in, a surprise visit, didn't know she was coming to town, out of the blue she mentioned that my dad was trying to phone me on my birthday, well i broke down in tears. She hugged me and told me "everyone loves you, ya know Wendy."

I don't know, i just was really thinking that i had caused too much damage within my family relationships. I really don't see or talk to anyone too much. I haven't talked to my Dad in over a year. I called his cellphone a couple of times and left messages but never got a reply. It hurt. I've been really trying to forget about it and move on. But easier said than done. Plain, simple truth is i can't forget. As i'm sure my family can't forget what i've done. I know things aren't righted overnight, and as long as i stay in recovery my life will continue to get better.

And ya know, sitting here thinking about it all right this minute, if i actually was talking to him on the phone right now or even f2f, i probably wouldn;t know what to say. I've said sorry too many times. Alot of my family i haven't seen for probably 2 years or so, and they don't know how my life is today. All they know is what i've done in the past. Mostly what i did to my girls, that i wasn't around for them for so long. Working the program has taught me acceptance. Its the only way i've been able to move on. Move on to forgiveness. it's one thing to accept and forgive myself and a whole different ball of wax from their side.

guess i still fell guilt and shame. I can shove those feelings under the carpet,but i  sweep em back out every once in while. usually when i face reality. But what is my reality?? My past is reality.

today is reality

what others think, i've been taught, is none of my business. But it still matters.

Even though today it matters more what i think of me, its a hard balance to find.

I face my past less and less everyday, i get caught up in the today things. Which is good, i always lived in the past before, or the future, never in the present. So sometimes i forget where i've been , what i've done, til something or someone comes along that reminds me of it all.

Anyways i cried today because i was happy, to hear that my dad tried to get a hold of me, i guess he had the wrong number. See?? thats what i mean. I've had this phone number now for 9 months or so and most of my family doesn't even know it or have never used it.

Guess i just feel like i'm not part of anymore, and some days i don't want to be part of either. I'm ok with things the way they are, but really is that because i don't want to face them?

My dad drinks, sells pot...blah blah blah, besides alcohol, it was cocaine that took me to my bottom. One of the last convos i had with my dad i remember him saying..." I just don't understand it....."

Some days, most days, i feel like i don't care if they understand, or do i??

I have my Amy with me. Rylee eventually i'm sure. In all my selfish and self centered years and the crappy things i've done, i feel like i'm ok with just them in my life. And what a gift to have them back in my life!! Some days i don't feel like i deserve it...And sometimes i wonder if its really me thats keeping the rest of the family at a distance. A safe distance. I'm just not sure of the reason.

anyway i guess i'm rambling now

i did have one more good thing happen today though..

my boss gave me a car!!!!!!

yup,...gave

needs a little work, lotsa rust!! but the motors good

gonna take a bit of cash to get my liscence back but i'm determined. At least i;'ll be able to go to more meetings!!! groceries without getting home in a cab, buses that are still on strike, and i hear the strike may go past christmas now...

i may need a second job to keep a car on the road but i'm willing

so it's been quite an emotional day, i'm tired

thanks for letting me ramble

nighty-night

hugs, Wendy