Got a call from my ex wife wanting to know who was in the car wiith me. I declined to answer beyond not your concern. Then she had a tirade of abuse about me seeing some other woman. I cut her off. Turned the phone off. Unplugged the landline.
After a bit when I was on my own I turned the mobile back on and listened to her message, whcih was a few minutes of alternately crying down the phone and snarling.
Well I was concerned so I called her back. We were on the phone maybe an hours, got a lot of stuff sorted out, enotional sstuff.
Then she rang me back almost 2 hours later. We have just finished on the phone. She told me she had had a nervous breakdown, that she still loves me but that she accepts that the marriage is over and she accepts that she would never have moved back in with me anyway. She's under the doctor and it'll take a month or so for the treatment to kick in. She asked if I would mind deferring filing for divorce for a couple of months so that she can get her mental state stabilised with the anti depressants, get the house ready for market etc. etc.
As much as I would like the divorce to proceed smartly, I have agreed to a temporary stay of execution for 2 months. What's another couple months after 33 years nearly?
Well, like I say, so far so good.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Par for the course. You're wanted, from a distance. Nice. Typical example of conditional love. Reminds me of my x-wife, a man hater that can't seem to be without a man. I'm qlad to be away from that mess. Wife #2 has loved me every minute of every day for 18 years now. And it's mutual. We've never had an arquement. Don't look back.
Most long relationships take years to process. If this woman was in your life for 33 years she'll be with you in some way for the rest of your life. I was married 18 years and now into my third year divorced I'm just starting to accept fully the part I played and to accept I am in fact divorced. Advice in most AA rooms I've come across is it's best to wait a year after a major life change before you make any other major decisions. I know when I seperated it felt like the carpet had been pulled from under my feet and it took a good year to orientate myself. You'd be doing your wife a great kindness to tread gently and try to process what you can with her. Remember if she's lived with you for that long she's just as sick as you are with your alcoholism. The longer you work the program the more you'll see yourself in every page of the big book. Divorce can be extremely difficult emotionally. She's probably being honest with you and will need more time than a few months to land her feet on the ground. If you give her ample time to think about things and keep lines of communication open you'll both have the opportunity to conquer your fears about security and reach a decision where you both win. Give her lots of time to work through her anger. If your smart about this you may be able to forget the lawyers and save yourself a ton of money in the process. Lawyers sell fear and that's how they end up with a good portion of your money in divorces. They are poison to relationships. It is my wish for you that you both can find a way to honor the long time you spent together and honor any children this relationship may have produced by being rational and fearless. Be gentle and Good luck.
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"Many of us tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely."
As much as it seems she is holding you hostage, and there's so much pain in the situation, I think it is incredibly kind of you that you "...agreed to a temporary stay of execution for 2 months". Also smart to put a time limit on it. Balance-all about balance!
how quickly the acceptance can be reversed and go back to anger. I think any difficulty get's worked through the grief circle. I can't name all the stages but it's something like anger denial bargain then a few more steps rhen acceptance. Having got to acceptance just 5 hours later she was back at anger denial and making threats or bargains.
Such controlling behavior making threats against me the implications of which could have serious negative consequences for others. Like she had a gun to my head. If ever I had any lingering doubt about this divorce any lurking notion, then that's gone.
I'm afraid I'm smoking again. But not drinking. I've had to make certain commitments that I won't cover here but the effect of those commitments although they hurt me they protect someone else.
That's important to me annd it has strengthened the bond between me and someone else while severing the last emotional tie to my ex.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Bill you're doinq well to move on, whatever it costs. Maybe she can qet a little doq, that she can boss around, to take your place. lol
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 3rd of April 2011 09:51:20 AM
The kind she can leave in the garage and never let in the house though right? maybe toss it a treat occasionally? like a bone....preferably one that doesn't do what it tells her so she can blame it for her problems and punish it and beat it? Maybe we can get the doctors to prescribing them thar dogs, the "designated patient" dog, you can mistreat it, beat it, and blame it for all your troubles, an emotional get out of jail free card, you can even name it "my alcoholic" and go to meetings and share about what new atrocities "my alcoholic" committed hahahahahahahaha
sorry, speaking from OLD bitter experience here lol
resentment gooooes here....lalala
-- Edited by LinBaba on Sunday 3rd of April 2011 10:46:54 AM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
my friend pointed out that no one has a glass head pm we cannot see their thinking or motivation and it's a waste of time trying to second guess. Many people suggest that this latest is an act of desperation borne of fear right up to vindictiveness hidden behind policy and professional ethic. It doesn't matter. It was hurtful but useful.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Bill you're doinq well to move on, whatever it costs. Maybe she can qet a little doq, that she can boss around, to take your place. lol
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 3rd of April 2011 09:51:20 AM
The kind she can leave in the garage and never let in the house though right? maybe toss it a treat occasionally? like a bone....preferably one that doesn't do what it tells her so she can blame it for her problems and punish it and beat it? Maybe we can get the doctors to prescribing them thar dogs, the "designated patient" dog, you can mistreat it, beat it, and blame it for all your troubles, an emotional get out of jail free card, you can even name it "my alcoholic" and go to meetings and share about what new atrocities "my alcoholic" committed hahahahahahahaha
sorry, speaking from OLD bitter experience here lol
resentment gooooes here....lalala
-- Edited by LinBaba on Sunday 3rd of April 2011 10:46:54 AM
Yeah...I kind of agree with that behavioral assessment of the ex by Dean and Lin... That does not mean that I can't empathize and imagine how it must have been for your wife up until the point when you got sober like 5 years ago. She really was a victim of alcoholism for many many years. She probably was inclined to be a complaining type victim person to begin with, but it's now a cemented personality characteristic. This does not mean you owe her forever or need to kiss arse forever. You worked your 8th and 9th step to the best of your ability and the point of all that was to be free from alcohol and free from the bondage of self. Fly fly....Fly fly, young soberling. You are free now. lol.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I an finding it difficult to keep posting how I feel when there seems to be an air of judgement about. And I know I'm guilty of this myself. I wish Eileen no ill will because I can only guess her motives. She is new to alanon recovery and is making many of the mistakes we have all made. I'm told by others that the real reason for the delay is to keep her hope alive that I'll change my mind. Kinda manipulative? The financial bit is punitive but also based on dear of financial insecurity but the last one the ultimatum was pure spite. She's clearly as $ick as I am.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
I guess that you need to just stay strong. You've made a decision that you feel is the right one and you need to stand firm for both of you. I'm not going to tell you it will be easy but if you can just let her emotions wash over you while you stay calm but firm it should make it easier for both of you in the long run.
I wish you both all the best with it and hope you can both get to a good place with everything.
Have faith that the God of your understanding who helped you, will in turn help your ex. Its a very hard time and most of us dont deal with it very gracefully. I know I didnt.
In my own experience with divorce, I've noticed that wherever Patience, patience, patience, patience, generousity, and understanding are shown the outcome moves to fair. Fear (false evidence appearing real) distorts everything on both sides. It took a year or two for my fear to subside, and to take responsibility for the part I played. Remember your both undoing 33 years of habits you've built up together. It's not going to happen quickly - especially for the one who's been left. Quick means you've ignored or missed something. The loss of a major long term investment is never easy to accept. However, I do believe our biggest growth potential comes from the biggest risks we take. And, sometimes there is no choice. It just happens we wake up one day and we wonder who the heck that person is beside us, we don't like them and we have to leave. It's run it's course and it's life is over. It's easier for you as you are the one who made the decision and took action. My divorce was the hardest thing I ever went through -on par with losing my mother. There was a huge amount of grief involved -at least in my experience. For the first month I sat in chair before the fire and did nothing but read "when things fall apart" and breathed and meditated. I was paralyzed and couldn't even make it to work for 3 weeks. Everything sounded like an echo. It was like I had been transplanted on the other side of the sun. Everything looked the same but no recognition of my reality. Funny how I worked so hard for decades to get him to leave and when he finally did leave I was completely shattered. Talk about an alcoholic lol. However, I've been learning and growing up in all the areas where I knew I needed to. We seperated when I was 4 years into sobriety now I'm into my seventh. Boy do I feel sober!!! And it's amazing I've been left and given the gift of learning how to grow up!!! Meaning, learning how to take responsibility, care for myself, pay the bills, have faith in my future, make plans and not be fearful of going it alone. I'm breathing again. But.....it took time. Real confidence and faith in myself is growing. We both try to rein in expenses so we can live seperate lives the way we want. The first few years I threatened with lawyers but never really carried it through. I found them all to be far too opportunistic and very expensive. The lawyers were a way of trying to get him back. Desperate people do desperate things. I must add though that my ex is a very patient man - and generous when he can be. Emotionally. he withdrew altogether and that was devastating despite the fact I wasn't happy in the relationship. I didn't realize it at the time but that was the only way to make the break. He was the one with the guts to leave, and the forsight to see we had been headed nowhere for the past 10 years. I would have stayed forever (sick as I was) in the stormy sea without my paddle. Huge growth potential for both of you. Good luck and god bless and remember patience is it's own reward. It will take her more time than you to come to a level of acceptance that's comfortable for her. Best wishes
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"Many of us tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely."
to red Tara. Eileen and I have been separated over 5 years. I started my journey im sobriety over 4 years ago. The consequences of my part behaviour will be life long and life Changing for me and seem to be unforgiveable for Eileen. Im reality there is no way on god's good earth that she could bring herself to desert our adult children and live with me. (her words). I understand that. I empathise with that. But I cannot tolerate that. I have to move on as best I can. It was no light decision to end a 33 year relationship sick as it was. Eileen I think is consumed by fear. Every time I try to be helpful and reasonable it seems to give her false hope that we can go back to me being the rock she can stand on. I'll always have a sense of love and respect for her but sometimes right now it's kinda distant.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Thanks. now it's time for me to load up my bike, ride to my Mum's house tonight en route to work tomorrow. 20 degrees C today, blue skies, tank full of gas, new tyres. Me time.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Felt a need to do a 10th step, an apology for a rather sharp tounge.....for any one that read what I wrote....
so just sweeping up my side of the street, sweep, sweep, never ends, well for me it doesn't.....stop think before you speak, not after and not in anger, ever.
oh oh my.... It's like reading my story here, collectively with a piece of it and the feelings attached to it, in each of your stories.
I am struggling in some ways with a recent separation and impending divorce, and doing rather well in other ways. I emotionally bailed out of the relationship about 18 months ago, the separation was brought about by my discovering my wife was in the mist of initiating an affair with another man just 4 months ago, and I simply had her exit stage left immediately. So, I did a lot of the inital damage by removing myself from her emotionally (as well as physically), and then did the dirty work of having her leave the home after discovering the affair. No matter how I twist it, who did what to who or even why ... it still hurts deep within the core of me.
I don't even know why it hurts. I am the one who bailed out emotionally and physically 18 months ago, and I'm the one that told her to leave the home 4 months ago. What she did between those two events is on her, but I sense a great level of responsibility for it. I guess I feel she should have left and initiated a separation before having an affair, instead of using one to bring to an end what was already on the way... sooner or later.
One minute I am angry, having thoughts that I can't share without risking my freedom, and the next I miss her, very sad about the whole situation, and feel a great amount of love towards her, and simply wish there was some way we could find our way back.
My brain and heart are not in agreement with each other regarding this situation. I just keep trying to put one foot in front of the other, and start breathing again, start living again, letting it end where it is and move forward in life.
I even met a wonderful woman and have started a new relationship with her recently, in the past month. Right or wrong reason or right or wrong time, I did believe it would help buffer some of the inner turmoil and help me move into a place of fuller acceptance of the reality, and it has done that for the most part, but there is still that lingering "stuff" within that I am battling with between the mind and heart that rares its ugly head periodically throughout the course of a day. Not as often, not as intense, and not as long, but still there....
I'm a darn mess inside, and am doing as much as I can in my recovery, with my responsibilities, working on my spiritual growth, and holding on while letting go...
And trying to remember... progress, not perfection.
I didn't do everything right or everything wrong, nor did she. We grew apart in ways and for reasons that I don't understand, but need to accept. Intellectually, I know there is no way back, nor do I want what we had back. Emotionally I think I am missing what we once had, before the unfolding.
I'm grateful to the person who once said to me..."no matter how lost we might get, it only takes 12 steps to find our way back home". I am on my way... one step at a time.
grieving for what we had! The rose tinted view tells me that for 27 years we were happy. For another 3 we were propping each other up for the last 2 it's been a war of attrition. Maybe it was more like 10% great 10% awful and 80% non descript. But I've changed radically im one direction and Eileen hasn't. So yes I do grieve for the false memory.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
I have this little Butterfly Jar, where I collect the Warm and Loving things said about a woman from a man in her life. Silly little notion, but my Dad died just before I was born, and have gone to great lenghts to understand the opposite sex, the man.
At any rate in my butterfly collection there are so many, many little notes(litle memory notes that is, the jar is rel but imaginary, anyway, about your love for your Rosie, she was a part of us too, John remember, and Bill, all the truly wonderful, warm things you have conveyed over the years about Eileen.
For any of us that really took that into our hearts, we grieve too, feel the same confusion, (maybe I should not put this is public format, but hey seem to be making a lot of mistakes these days, so what the Heck, John when you and Rosie seperated, I recall sayiing a really loud NO, NO, NO! in my head, you belong together.
Sorry if I was out of line..in any way.
Now I think I better close this with a piece of music that seem to fit and popped into my head when reading both of your Posts from this morning....the last words spoken in the "Nights in White Satin" "Oh Great Orbe that rules the Night..............................., Only you decide what is right..........and what is an illusion"
Love to you both, and BIll about our notes.... Well that might be a little over the top, but you get it I am sure...
Peace and may this turmoil be lessened in Prayer.
Tonicakes
-- Edited by Just Toni on Thursday 7th of April 2011 07:17:27 PM
John and Bill...this has actually turned into a really great thread due to both your your being honest and candid. Whatever your relationship choices are...it's life on life's terms now right? At least you are both sober and able to work through these issues. There was a time when our relationships were 100 percent dictated by alcohol. That is not the case now. We get to experience such joy, but also confusion and sorrow right? Keep trudging the path to happy destiny :)
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Well that might be a little over the top, but you get it I am sure...