How do you handle negative people (Merqed)

lynn_27 · Member

advice for dealing with negative people

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

I use to be an isolater and did alot of alone drinking so what use to be at one time
considered a negative characteristic becomes a positive one as I learn to turn away
from negative people...turning them over to HP and letting them go. Just like in
drinking there is no law that says I gotta deal with it so I let it go and love them any
ways. It takes practice and the first part of the first step is the lead for me, "Admitted
I am powerless over...people, places and things." Ask your HP to bless her and give
her as many blessings as HP would give to someone else. Yeah sounds nuts at
first but it is part of the turning it over for me. smile

jenn · Member

I have learned that letting it go works. It's not always easy.
what I do is be true to myself and my beliefs. I had to come to grips with just because someone says something about me does not make it true. Only I and my HP know the true me and the truth.
so I have learned to let people say what they want.. Turning it over and letting it go
ESH
jenn

jj · MIP Old Timer

One thing that i have been learning is when i see people at meetings or other AAs in the street, i just deal with today. What comes out of others mouths is on them. when i greet people i just say how i am doing, and if they have heard otherwise, it is not true. and leave it at that. the truth and AA friends and how i take care of myself are a few of the things that help keep me sober. mentally write that other girl off. she is responsible for her actions and flapping mouth... not you.
hugs
xxxooo jj

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

What other people think of you is none of your business. Do your best to just pretend nothing is being said because unless it is said right in front of your face...You will drive yourself crazy trying to combat rumors. Furthermore, nobody that matters an ounce to you would buy into negative rumors spread by a hateful person anyhow, so it's not worth mulling over. Be gentle with yourself and try and let it go without obsessing. Try and spend time thinking about all the 20x more people that like you, have responded positively to you in AA, and that want to be friends and a support to you. Negativity does not have to have space in your mind.

Mark

Dave Harm · Senior Member

Another member here once posted what her sponsor told her, "It's none of your business what others think of you." I always liked that...

Seriously though, when I sobered up I had one thorn in my side that made my early recovery miserable or at least she tried too.

I know it sounds crazy but it does work... pray for them. The more I worried what they thought about me and what I was doing the more I was making them my HP. By praying for them I turned them over to my HP and let Her deal with that person...

It does work...

Just Toni · MIP Old Timer

HI There Lynn,

Was just about to write this, when I got your message, thank you dear.

When I was new, well a retread of many years, but brand new to the commitment, I did not live in a small town, but when you are dealing with small groups of people in the rooms, might as well be a small town.

You brought back a memory of this happening to me, or so I believed, and so when I met with a older woman,my new sponsor, that had a lot of time....she was tough, and she knew she was not only dealing with a newly sober person, but a severe codependant as well, and very very insecure....(not saying this sounds like you, but it sure was me)

So my words came out almost word for word what you wrote, and she paused for a while, and then said, "Toni, other people's opinion of you are NONE of your BUSINESS" I could feel it almost like the stink of a bee .....and I did not respond, had to really try to take in what she had said, and I did, looked at the whole thing in a completely different way in about a weeks time, I got what she said....and also the enoumous freedom that it brought to me...

Try to visualise this, you watch some folks across the street from you, letting their dog poop all over, then smear it on the street, and garbage is all over the place too, and they start looking in your direction, why? so they can avoid the mess they need to address, and there you are on the other side, your side of the street, that is clean as a whistle, cause you clean it, sweep it everyday, while Praying for help for the day with your HP, and when you are finished, you skip away, smiling and singing......looking forward to your day.....leaving all of them as you simple turn the corner into your own life, and a happy life it is going to be, because you are kind, and loving and care for others, and God will always be good to you for your wonderful qualities....

Wow, was that a tangent, or what, laughing now, for making up that ananolgy, but it does fit in, right?, hope so...

So good to meet you my new friend, and a Gigantic Welcome to our little family that you are now a very big part of....the new people that are here, like you are the real "life blood of this awesome 12 Step Program, and sometimes I think the real Heartbeat too...."

Let us know how you do with finding a solid good sponsor and the meetings you are going to go too.

And just another thought, if they are going to occupy any time in your head, they owe you some rent money, if not, kick em out. lol

HUGS,

Toni

Rainspa · Senior Member

I tend to bristle when I hear "negative people".
Negative = Bad, so I hear "bad people". Judging that people are all one thing or the other, and that they don't measure up (to me, not God) is not tolerant.

I am an alcoholic. A practicing (and some days, sigh, sober) alcoholic seems the very definition of "negative or bad people".

And yet we are children of God, lovable and valued. When did we start feeling free to write humans off as "negative" without a thought of their equality to us?

lynn_27 · Member

Thanks everyone! Your words of encouragement are exactly what I needed!! I'm feeling great today!

louisa · Senior Member

(((Lynn)))
Here's a ((((HUG!!!!)))) ...............I love this quote...... By Dr. Seuss

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

Louisa xx

Rainspa · Senior Member

OTOH

Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen
- 12x12. Step 10

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Generally...restraint of pen and tongue usually applies to saying things in a rash and abrupt manner without thinking. It is possible to express every feeling just about in a way that does not intentionally hurt others. So while those two statements would seem paradoxical, a person could express themselves, not allow others to dictate how they feel about themself, yet still have tact and tread lightly in highly emotional and potentially volatile situations...i guess lol.

Lexie · Senior Member

I forget where I first heard it, but one of the rules I've heard is that before you say something about someone, you ask, "Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?"

Dave Harm · Senior Member

Which kind of fits in with, "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but never say it mean."

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

I agree with the concept of praying for them. Then I throw a brick through their window. (Just kidding about the brick) It is tough. I also believe in the honesty of the program. You could call her or look her up and say " Hey Betty, this is going to sound strange, but I am in Alcoholics Anonymous and part of my recovery is making ammends to those I have hurt or offended. I have overheard your conversations about me and I am sure that I have offended you in some way. What can I do to make ammends to you?" Just an outside the box idea. If that does not work, throw a brick through her window.

lynn_27 · Member

LOL!

louisa · Senior Member

Just an outside the box idea. If that does not work, throw a brick through her window.

*giggling* Love it! Kind of has echoes of Dean's version of the Serenity Prayer...... biggrin

Louisa

xx

Reffner · Senior Member

The best revenge is a life well lived. AA has given me a great pair of blinders. You know, the ones that help me focus on me. I'm glad I have them and try my best to use them every day. When I'm spiritually fit, I really couldn't give a rats a$$ what others think or say about me. When I'm not spiritually fit, I get hung up on taking other peoples inventory. I have to remember to concentrate on cleaning up my side of the street. What others do their side is beyond my control anyway. I don't give advice, but if I were in this situation (and I have been) I would make an attempt at discussing the problem and finding a solution. If that failed, I would write the offending parties out of my life. I've discovered that true friends won't and don't go along with what the crowd says about me.

But that's just me.

Brian

Michelle2 · Member

How do you handle negative people (Merqed)

SoberSteve · MIP Old Timer

RE: How do you handle negative people

Frodo · MIP Old Timer

Michelle2 wrote:
I DO want to quit!

That's the only bit that matters. The rest is just background noise.

SUSIE · Senior Member

They dont understand. That is why it's so important to stay with people who are doing the same thing you are. Believe in yourself, take one day at a time. The only people you need to listen to are the people who growing toward sobriety. It took me a long time to stop being concerned with other peoples opinion. Your doing the right thing.

LinBaba · MIP Old Timer

SoberSteve wrote:
Your actions will speak louder than any words. Prove them wrong. :) You can do it!

I'm with Steve on this one

talking is just noise that comes out of my mouth

action speaks louder then words

we know how to stop and stay stopped in AA, just 3 ingredients necessary

Honesty, Open Minded, Willing

@Steve: you have just passed sponsorship 101, you look at the thing that just came outcher mouth and say to yourself "oop, I think I need to follow my own advice"

hugs dude, that was the best thing I ever seenya say

SoberSteve · MIP Old Timer

Thanks man^^^ It was weird!!

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Hey M2, Let your track record speak for itself in the long term, but in the short term, sit them down and look them in the eye and tell them you are dead serious about this and that they need to stop being negative. Show them this: http://anonpress.org/bb/

gladlee · Senior Member

The program taught me it was none of my business what people think of me... why give them any power? Don't permit it! My whole recovery is between me and my Higher Power/The Boss ... and no one else.

I just came home from a meeting with a reminder to focus on the SOLUTION... not my problems. Because what I focus on, gets BIGGER.

Ever hear of detachment? It's a tool from the other program I learned to guard my serenity, it's knowing where other people end and I begin... it's not having any emotional tie to what's coming at me, it's wrapping myself in "spiritual bubble wrap," when I have to be around difficult people. Sometimes, I have to "detach at all costs" and stay away for awhile, until I feel stronger in my recovery. Sometimes, I gotta phone my sponsor to help me detach... to protect myself.

In recovery, I realized I had CHOICES. Personally, I choose to spend more time with my fellowship who is supportive me, I want their voices going round and round in my brain....... not my judgmental family. The fellowship is a gift from my HP, it's up to me to accept the gift.

Glad you're here ((Michelle))

-- Edited by gladlee on Wednesday 30th of March 2011 10:08:06 PM

-- Edited by gladlee on Wednesday 30th of March 2011 10:11:13 PM

Mr_David · MIP Old Timer

"No one can make you feel inferior unless you allow them too". So, dont...

Make your sobriety a priority, then wait for the miracle to happen. It will...we promise.

~God Bless~

Jamie D · Veteran Member

I find no matter what anyone says to me, it's really only the people that say the things I'm already telling myself that I don't like that annoy me. Came to BELIEVE that God Could restore me to sanity TRUMPS all criticisms, becasue the power is the belief that it will happen.

Jamie

happycamper · MIP Old Timer

When I got sober ( and stayed sober ) for me, is when I learned and realized that what other ppl say or do is out of my control.

By working the steps, and praying and staying in very close touch with my sponsor helped me thru those ruff times. Having a sponsor helped me to deal with what other ppl were doing and (or) saying cuz quitting drinking wasnt easy since I use to allow others to affect me.

And yes, most definately ... actions speak louder than words.

Do the best you can to not let the 'other' ppl get to you .. you will end up with a resentment against these ppl and if you are a real alcoholic, you cannot afford to harbor resentments.

Find new friends in the fellowship, in the mtg rooms of AA. Talk about it with them and see what other ppl have done to get past the ruff spots.

Pray and ask God for the strength you need. '

Nobody ever told me this would be easy, but its not impossible

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

How do you handle negative people (Merqed)

beatriz · Newbie

praying 4 them of course, but i can't get an sponsor, very small group, and dealing with fellows than don't know about AA but pretend to, count long time , doesn't look like, i'm lost in th judging, the tolerane and love and dififculty in let go, taking myself so seriusly and i don't know where to document what peple think of me is no m bussnes, i have very strong personality, a great respect for AA and is like if u don't, is ok, i have AA first always...............B

Ex-MA Hole · Member

I tend to smile and walk away. Who am I to ruin their good time!

I look at it as you are growing, and you no longer enjoy being negative.

They have not and still enjoy their life.

It's there life.

Live and let live.