Oh Son I am so very sorry you are going through this

Your father is very ill from alcoholism which is an unhealthy condition of both mind and body, his mind will convince him reasons to drink no matter what, and his body will have cravings for alcohol once he starts, the mental aspect of alcoholism will actually create actual delusions, not like he sees things, but his mind will make up stories to both justify his next drink and ensure he keeps drinking, there are alcoholics who recover here in AA, it does happen

Your mother is also affected by your fathers drinking, alcoholism is called "the family disease" because it affects everyone, for most of us, we come from alcoholic homes and then create new ones of our own, because it is what's comfortable, many of us also recover from that, we say to ourselves "The Buck Stops here" and we go to therapy and 12 step programs like alateen, Coda, Alanon, and AA to ensure we don't continue this awful cycle to the next generation, my home life was in many ways like yours, and when I was about 10 years older then you I got into recovery, and decided it stopped with me.

The one thing that we do learn is in this dynamic we can't "save" anyone, all we can do is to help ourselves and then hope other family members find what we are doing so attractive they follow, this includes two key concepts, The 3 C's We didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it in reference to others drinking or disfunction, and we use attraction rather then promotion, in recovery we get more bees with honey then we do with vinegar

One thing I found helpful was to start learning about what I was up against, one of the first things that got my attention was The Alcoholic family model

The Alcoholic
- other family members revolve around this person
- likely to be experiencing quite a bit of pain and shame even though they may not see it as the result of excessive alcohol or drug use
- as things get worse, the alcoholic is faced with increasing feelings of shame, guilt, inadequacy, fear, and loneliness
- develop a number of defenses to hide their shame and guilt -> may include irrational anger, charm, rigidity, grandiosity, perfectionism, social withdrawal, hostility, and depression
- project blame or responsibility for their problems onto others including family members who take on unhealthy roles in order to survive
- children of alcoholics feel guilty for their failure to save their parents from the effects of alcohol
- "The alcoholic parent is not satisfied with his own childhood," Bly says, using the bruised rhetoric of recovery. "He wants yours too... When the father vanishes into alcohol, the son lingers and lingers, searching for a lost part of himself."

Codependent/Enabler/Caretaker
- steps up and takes control if the alcoholic loses power
- enabling is anything that protects the chemically dependent person from the consequences of their actions
- spouse often takes on the role, but children and siblings can also be enablers (multigenerational alcoholic families will sometimes designate a child in this role, a sign of more serious pathology)
- tends to everyone's needs in the family
- loses sense of self in tasks of a domestic nature
- never takes the time to assess his/her own needs and feelings
- person never gains what they need most in order to get better: insight
- never are confronted with the facts that would drive home the point: drugs or alcohol are destroying their lives and their family
- as long as the enabler and the chemically dependent family members play their game of mutual self-deception, things never get better - they get worse
- others cannot bond with the caretaker due to the bustle of activity
Caretaker's purpose: to maintain appropriate appearances to the outside world.

Hero
- high achiever; takes focus off the alcoholic because of his/her success; perfectionist; feels inadequate; compulsive; can become a workaholic
- alcohol bestows this role onto the individual whose accomplishments compensate for the alcoholic's behavior
- often the oldest child who may see more of the familys situation and feels responsible for fixing the family pain
- child excels in academics, athletics, music or theatre
- gets self worth from being "special"
- rest of family also gets self worth ("we can't be that bad if one of us is successful") -> his/her deeds assure the family that their definition is more than alcohol
- hero does not receive attention for anything besides an achievement; therefore, inner needs are not met
- he/she loses the ability to feel satisfied by whatever feat he/she has manifested
- as things get worse, the hero is driven to higher and higher levels of achievement. No level of super responsible, perfectionist, over achievement can remove the heros internalized feelings of inadequacy, pain, and confusion
- many others grow up to become workaholics and live under constant stress as they work in the service of others seeking approval for their extraordinary effort
- they often end up distancing themselves from their family of origin
- interestingly, many family heroes grow to marry alcoholics and become enablers
Hero's purpose: to raise the esteem of the family.

Scrapegoat
- goes against rules; acts out to take the focus off the alcoholic; feels hurt & guilt; because of behavior, can bring help to family
- lightening rod for family pain and stress
- direct message is that they are responsible for the familys chaos
- family assigns all ills to the person who harbors this role, e.g. "Mom would not drink so much if (Scapegoat's name) were not always in trouble."
- in reality the misbehavior of the Scapegoat serves to distract and provide some relief from the stress of chemical dependency
- child has issues with authority figures as well as negative consequences with the law, school and home
- on the inside the child is a mass of frozen feelings of anger and pain
- may show self-pity, strong identification with peer values, defiance, and hostility or even suicidal gestures
- this role may seem strange in purpose. However, if there were no scapegoat, all other roles would dismantle. He/she allows others a pretense of control
- alcohol is not identified as an issue -> often, the scapegoat is identified as 'The Problem.'
Scrapegoat's purpose: puts the focus away from alcohol thereby allowing the alcoholic to continue drinking.

Mascot/Cheerleader/Clown
- uses humor to lighten difficult family situations; feels fear; others see him/her as being immature; limited by bringing humor to all situations even if inappropriate
- this individual most popular in the family; brings fun and humour into the family
- learn to work hard at getting attention and making people laugh especially when the anger and tension of substance use are dangerously high
- often named a class clown in school; frequently demonstrates poor timing for the comic relief; most people don't take this child seriously
- often hyperactive, charmers, or cute
- inside, they feel lonely knowing no one really knows the real person behind the clowns mask
- may grow up unable to express deep feelings of compassion
- may put themselves down often as well as cover up their pain with humour
- accepts laughter as approval, but the humor serves to hide inner painful feelings
- the laughter prevents healing rather than produces it
Mascot's purpose: to provide levity to the family; to relieve stress and tension by distracting everyone.

Lost Child
- no connection to family; brings relief to family by not bringing attention to the family; feels lonely; does not learn communication and relationship skills
- has much in common with scrapegoat -> neither feels very important
- disappears from the activity of the family
- sees much more than is vocalized
- reinforced for causing no problems
- build quiet lives on the edges of family life and are seldom considered in family decisions
- they hide their hurt and pain by losing themselves in the solitary world of short-term pleasure including excessive TV, reading, listening to music, drugs, object love, eating and fantasy
- favorite places for the lost child are in front of the T.V. as well as in his/her room
- due to the sedentary lifestyle, a lost child tends to have issues with weight
- as adults they feel confused and inadequate in relationships
- may end up as quiet loners with a host of secondary issues such as: sexuality problems, weight problems, excessive materialism, or heavy involvement in fantasy
Lost child's purpose: does not place added demands on the family system; he/she is low maintenance.


Alcoholic relationships disintegrate upon close inspection. If pursued, family members will admit that none are entirely comfortable in their designated role. Moreover, if outside circumstances change, the alcoholic family is less able to adapt. Instead, if a crisis or alteration in the system occurs such as a death, birth, divorce, etc, the roles simply switch to accomodate the change. In other words, a child may have been a lost child in younger years, but may grow up to be a mascot when the her role leaves for college. Unfortunately, this switch which occurs to meet the family dynamic is often a shock to the one who now has a new role.

Finally, alcoholism demands that the problem drinker maintain a constant supply of alcohol. This demand encourages enabling behaviors in loved ones. Enabling is not a dirty word as is often indicated on popular television talk shows. Enabling means that family members end up facilitating the drinking, in order to prevent negative consequences from occurring to the family. An example of enabling behavior is the purchasing of alcohol by the loved one. The loved one rationalizes this purchase with the excuse that at least the alcoholic will not have to drink and drive. Another enabling example is a family member volunteering to call the alcoholic's employer with a feigned illness when in fact the alcoholic has a hangover. While well intentioned, the enabling behavior serves to protect the alcoholic from accountability.

The examples listed above are not exhaustive but help to demonstrate the amount of energy that the loved one uses to placate alcoholic reactions and stress. In essence, alcoholism dominates the family members without ever reciprocating or apologizing. In time, members lose the ability to coalesce as a united force. At that juncture, alcoholism has won the battle.



References:
Davis, M. Surviving An Alcoholic Family. Accessed from: http://www.smcok.com/media/newspaper...lic_family.htm
(article no longer available from this website unfortunately)
Children of Alcoholics. Accessed from: This Is A War - ADDICTION
Alcoholic Family Roles. Accessed from: Alcoholic Family Roles Alcohol Self-Help News

Recommended Reading:
The Complete ACOA Sourcebook: Adult Children of Alcoholics at Home, at Work and in Love by Janet Woititz and Robert Ackerman.
Perfect Daughters (Revised Edition) by Robert J. Ackerman
Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men by Robert Ackerman
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward and Craig Buck

Is there any Alateen meetings near you? You could try googling it.

The biggest thing I learned, as in I learned this personally the hard way, is we can't do this alone, me going in to save my mother or father or sister made me just as sick as they were, maybe even more so, because then I ended up drinking and codependent, I found I was most helpful for them and myself when I followed that old adage of putting my own oxygen mask first, I can't over emphasize the importance of this

On the subject of God, in recovery we choose our own concept of God, and many times decide to make our god all loving, all nurturing, rather then a punishing God, and we work on improving our own conscience contact with God, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry it out, because we don't know what God's will is for other people, I also questioned a God that could allow such things, and today I am comfortable in knowing I don't know but that we can't have light without dark, and trying to become a beacon of Gods light rather then an insturment of his darkness, because there is no doubt, there is light and dark

Don't this alone little brother, get help, go with God and my thoughts and prayers are with you

Thank's Lostinthisworld for your testimony.

First of all, I would like to say "thank you" for having the courage to support your father in these difficult times. You've demonstrated so many virtuous qualities like love, forgiveness and tolerance, especially under such difficult circumstances. I too, am an alcoholic -in recovery- and have been for the last 10 years. My journey has similar parallels as yours and with the help of my higher power -whom I call God- and a good support network, AA, family and friends, I've been able to achieve some lasting sobriety -one day at a time. 

Living with anyone who's is in the fog of active alcoholism, drugs or a handful of other harmful elements, have limited chances of recovery; especially, without any real strategy in place. I do believe your father is one of those people. AA and programs of recovery offer so many choices, other than drinking. Unfortunately, someone who's still in the throes of this disease has a limited perspective and will most likely turn away from any real help, time and time again, unless they are forced into submission. Some must hit rock bottom first, like I did, before they choose to sober up and follow a path towards freedom -one day at a time.  

God, I do believe, has our best interests in mind regardless of how we may interpret them. It is certainly hard to watch someone struggle at the hands of anyone or anything -especially when its alcohol related. My family prayed earnestly over the period of many years before they seen any tangible results. I guess, the lesson we can learn from all of this, is too never give up -on anyone, that is- no matter how grave the situation looks. My family and friends prayers were answered, eventually, even thou it took quite a few years. The beauty in all of this was simple; the sadness they felt for so many years turned out to be a beautiful blessing in the end, thanks mostly to my higher power -whom I call Jesus Christ.

Don't give up on your father just yet, because almighty God will have the last word -as he always does - just when we least expect it. What your father is going through can be reversed, only when the psychic change -that's necessary- does occur.  Tell him how much you care and how you would like to spend some quality time with him before it's too late. Remind him that there are people out there who have similar backgrounds and choose to self medicate at one time -by drinking, like he does- but now rely on support networks -like AA and this forum 'Miracles in Progress"- to help guard against the next drink -one day at a time. Remind him of how precious life really is, and to never take our next breath for granted.  

This principle, that AA teaches, helped ease my pain over the years and might ease your fathers as well: "The pains of drinking had to come before sobriety and emotional turmoil before serenity" -how true. Allow your father the opportunity to talk with a certified professional about his choices, in hopes of recovering from his ails him -one day at a time. AA and this forum can help guide him through the process of recovery and become the support network that recovering alcoholics need, to achieve lasting sobriety. Your father can start his journey towards purposeful living and with the help of his higher power and the voice of AA; achieve lasting "sober" memories -one day at a time.  

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