It's half one in the morning here in the UK. I've just woke up in a flat spin panic, from an awful nightmare.
I was dreaming that I'd gone back to my ex wife, moved into the house, built a relationship with my son and daughter and then.............it all went wrong. My ex wife turned into a harridan, waving the big guilt stick about, controlling my behaviour, dredging up the sins of the past, as did my daughter, finally my son turned on me. I was left alone and bereft. I dreamt that I packed my meagre belongings up with the help of several friends in the fellowship and tried to run, but I got caught time after time and shamed into staying. Rinse and repeat.
It was so vivid that when I woke I didn't know if it was real or not.
I've heard or read somewhere, probably reader's digest, that dreams are rehearsals for life and nightmares are a way of organising fears.
If that's the case then it's pretty clear what my fears are.
Well now, what do my brothers and sisters here think?
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Aye Bill...you come up with real stuff lots of time. Been there and done that stuff or doing that stuff.
That kinda dream for me as I have experienced and learned about it are unsettled conflicts; old stuff I haven't settled with usually needing more feedback and input from others experiences as you have asked for here. Once I get honestly settled with it...the dreams quietly go away.
You have had conflicting thoughts and feelings and perceptions about your relationships with those three people who have shared your life with you and with whom you have mutually shared your own. You feel they have unjustly treated you in the past and continue to do so no matter how many times you move back in to try to share their lives again. It will always come out the same because that is your expectation. You don't have any other ending to that story; you are certain beyond a doubt that is the way it will end up and the going back another time might be from your sense of hope and responsibility...might be. The dream says you're not done yet, you might be wrong, there might be more to learn and come to understanding about. Your dream is living on your own beliefs and understandings and experiences...and the room for doubt exists. You trust your AA fellowship and not your family of choice and creation. Your AA fellowship stands by you...with you...has your back and will rescue you from trial and error. You can't see that value in your wife and children...It would be a deep look to find that kind of value in them and with your recent devaluing of them and absolutely assured judgement how else could the dream proceed and end? The dream might also arrive from your subconscious desire to move on to other things and people...your review of the "intolerable" looking for an excuse to arrive at better. For me it was part of building my "permission" to be changed with differences that would be more acceptable for my spirit and peace of mind and serenity.
This is from my experiences and I can only related to similarities while there are certainly differences between us. When I dream't that dream you just had I didn't get rescued by others I was killed in the dream. There was no escape for me...it was killing me and it would succeed.
My dream is victim form...hostage, captive, victim, sacraficial. I wasn't a leaver...I was a fight to the death warrior...who always died...until in real life I found the program and my Higher Power and myself and the fellowship. The fellowship came to rescue me after I woke up. I don't hardly have those dreams or nightmares any longer. Sometimes...most times not. I value learning how to read my dreams now...like looking at pictures, metaphors for how I view my relationships and life.
My wife just told me this morning that when I have nightmared my voice and language changes. It scares her badly. It no longers scares me because it is now only the rantings of my subconscious and therefore not real...just drawings and lessons.
Great post. I'm listening on this one now. Thanks for the invite to share.
Hey Bill. Its just a dream. You are firmly rooted in reality. I think its common to have dreams about what you fear most. For you, it seems to be being chained to codependency....and you have taken very large steps to break from that. Chill out my friend and get a feel for your new situation. Enjoy your freedom while keeping a lifeline out for your kids. Pray for your ex in a sincere way. Stop listening to music, pull out your guitar and write a song about simplicity. You are doing great. You are right...this too shall pass. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
FDR once said: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself" -how true. If dreams are a rehearsal for life, than why hasn't that million dollar dream I keep having, come to pass -yet. Get the violins out, I feel unique again...
If God wanted us to experience pain and sorrow over and over again, than why would we need a savior? I must come down from that cross, right now, before my fears start crucifying my dreams. We already have a redeemer, so I must come down from that cross, now, because we really need the wood.
You might have asked yourself this question by now: What has all of this got to do with what we are talking or dreaming about? Good Question...Here's a possible answer. Maybe, God is trying to lift that burden from us, so we don't allow those burdens to suffocate our sobriety like they could. If he can't get our attention in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, then maybe he can do so through our dreams. If God wanted us to experience the pains of our past, once again, than why we need AA or recovery forums like this one? We are alcoholics, and what could possibly derail God's plan for our sober life? How about...conjuring up our past problems? that most certainly could. So,why go there? Our pains should remain in the past, so we start anew, everyday, without any lingering doubts about anything -including our past and those unnerving situations.
This is just an observation though...You will have the final say, or maybe God will. Stay close, until then, because whether you reunite or not, might not be in your agenda -right now, or maybe God's either- but remaining in the process of sobering up from whatever ails us, most certainly is -for today.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Tuesday 29th of March 2011 02:34:17 AM
-- Edited by Mr_David on Tuesday 29th of March 2011 02:36:42 AM
-- Edited by Mr_David on Tuesday 29th of March 2011 02:40:05 AM
@ Mr. David - thanks for a thoughtful reply. You say though the final say is mine, no I don't think I will. I'll put the spade work in, do the best I can but the outcome is out of my hands. If this process is a bridge to sober living then I have to dig the foundations and build the bridge but it's my HP who decides where the bridge goes and if I need to tear it down and start again and sometimes that's a hard thing for me to accept.
@JerryF - another thoughtful response which I have read and re read.
@Tom - firmly rooted in reality eh? only up to the point where I let my fantasies take flight (Projection - yep, still do it.)
@All - haven't had a dream since. neither pleasant nor nightmarish so maybe that's been 'put to bed'
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
