I get those unsolicited awarenesses of how cunning, powerful and baffling this disease is. My subconscious must have been bleeding off some gas as when I was finishing work on a project for another long time member yesterday afternoon and I was wet and cold and dealing with a flu that was trying to entrench itself in my system and I was trying to magic wand a problem away which was the consequence of my brain glitch and it was gonna cost me some coin and I was doing a "poor me" blathering and then the loudest thought in my head which begged serious consideration for one micro-second was "drink".
This disease is imbedded and woke me up to a higher level again. You know I kinda screw my thinking up from time to time when I hear another fellow state that the compulsion is gone and gone forever. I haven't drank in a long while but the compulsion still wants to know the possibilites.
I have been doing a dance of sorts, battle lung cancer, and on the winning side, that is my hope, but twice I think in the last month, i have had that same friggen thought, just pops in for a visit....."You could have a drink"....and I say back to that voice like the road runner fast, "nah, i am going die sober, but thanks for sharing"
. It's a Promise I made to my HP, God when he allowed me to sober up and saved my life.
Always looking to see if anyone might be vulnerable, I agree.
Hugs, hope you get better and fast.
Tonicakes
-- Edited by Just Toni on Friday 25th of March 2011 07:29:36 PM
I've been there Jerry F and Miss Toni! It is crazy but expected. Its like our life is subjected to the old subliminal messages during TV ads. Drink. Drink. Always there to test us. One day at a time our Higher Power protects us from this because we are powerless! Its almost a good thing we get tested because it reminds us we are really only "cured" as long as we subscribe to the antidote which is AA.
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
I appreciate the reassurance not because you both are getting the twinges also but that I am not alone and can speak with other fellows about it when I am not on the phone or at a meeting. I am aware of the subliminals which usually tick me off maybe because I take the warefare personal still. There are people out there who want me back and want me to pay for it with everything I have. The working on sober me isn't going for it and the impatient bored drunk inside of me want's to play catchup with all I have missed while away from the party.
Stay strong Toni and thanks for the support. Your post caused me gratitude and humility and maybe it was intented for that so again...I'm grateful.
You have "a few" more years than I do Jerry, I'm always amazed to hear this, that the compulsion never leaves. I'm about to date a man who drinks wine with every meal. I think I can handle it, of course. If he doesn't end up putting a lampshade on his head, or turning into a rage-oholic, or passing out for the night, I might begin to think, what's the problem? hmmm And I'm looking back on this past week, no meetings, not one, because well... I've been "busy." Okay, now I am determined to make one today, before my date tonight. Thank you ((((hugs))))
I had zero cravings until about a month ago when I was going through all the drama with my job. Oddly it took the form of wanting to relapse on cigarettes first. I am just so grateful that God gave me two sober years to gain tools and to get a program into place before that moment came. I am sure there will be more, but I know what to do, just as it sounds like you do Jerry. You have tools. You actually asked for feedback but I think it would be more useful if YOU actually give us some feedback on how you stay away from the first drink and how you have done it all these years through various ups and downs.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Not surprisingly Mark the compulsions are manifold...drinking was the loudest and most contrasted and I did later get the nicotine suggestion...kinda sorta "well if you're not going to have a drinking right away can we do a cigar or maybe a small box of them and then just a bit later light up some cigarette butts that were left in the ashtray at the place I was working that I was going thru the mini-crisis at. I did notice that the first thing I went thru was dis-belief that my efforts to continue working were being disturbed by of all things something beyond my control or manipulation and then I got frustrated that it just didn't stop and allow me to have my own way and then I was upset that I was choosing to cave into it and put my work tools (and program by this time also) away while I was getting wet and angry and messy and it wasn't even letting up after I said "uncle"..."I'm done", and then I got into mind messing myself, getting into the future negatively "This isn't going to let up, It will last for days, I'll never get this project finished, it will interfere with another bid I had just put out and...and...and...and. By this time I had the tools away and was pacing the veranda looking over what I had already done...."NOT NEAR ENOUGH DAMN IT!!" and then the kicker..."I have nothing to do now" and I went directly to bored...Have a drink...it's okay you have nothing else to do and...and...and excuses to drink. My other program process.
Of course it wasn't real...it was my mind and emotions trying to get my spirit into a loud toxic dance so that my body would want to join in with "Oh well what the hell lets just go for it."
One of the things I do to trip the process on it's butt is become aware to the power and the instant volume of the message and to pay focused attention to it...not to let it sweep me away before I get my say and my recovery response to it. I pay attention to what my feelings are doing without trying to let me know what's going on. I'm expert at discounting my feelings and denial and paying attention to the negative process my emotions get on is key for me. I don't like being sand bagged by that negative crap and I don't like the consequence of what it does to my spirit. My spirit wilts and looses motivation to stay up and alert, happy, joyous and free. I jump into the street fight (because it is that for me) for my butt by the compulsion to drink and use other stuff and come to my own back. So far so good and then thanks to all of the re-caps who have presented their journeys so that I can learn from them.
I have no problem admitting I can be had and I have the experience of being able to say today "yeah but not for long; not as long as I can stay awake and aware and humble to scramble for this program of recovery as it has been lovingly taught to me over time." I also am deeply aware that every inch of the way my Higher Power is right within me and when the compulsion hits I know that the power of the thought and visualization of drinking and the sheer volume of the voices and thoughts and the clear memory of what it use to be like and what it can be like again if I choose to give up...is the work of my Higher Power. God wanted me here after all long before I did. I working at matching that desire myself.
This thread is so reassuring. It speaks to me even more loudly than ever that I am not alone. Sometimes I think "am I the only sober person with these thoughts?"
I went cycling yesterday for the first time this year. The weather was pretty nice and there it was, that micro-second of "I could go to a pub beer garden and have just one pint" and the micro-second of resentment that I can't.
Of course, the difference is that today, those are just micro-seconds and they don't lead to me to drink. But they're still there, still there.
That's what the "sleeping tiger" does after it wakes up Steve...picks at the lock on the door to it's cage...pick, pick, pick just hoping that it will give way and then get out into my system. I also am glad I am not alone in this. Along with my HP...I have the world wide fellowship to support me.
Having come to understand alcoholism ( which is what I suffer from ) as apposed to addiction, I know that I can not have a compulsion if I dont put alcohol in my body. The compulsion is what silki calls " the phenomenon of craving " which is the allergic reaction that alcohol creates once in the body of an alcoholic. This is the first fold of the three fold illness. The second is what is discussed at length in CH 3, " The Obsession to drink ", that insane thinking that drinking is a good idea, despite what it has done to me the last 50 times. And its all driven by A spiritual condition that left alone, is in decay and spiraling downward out of control. " The Spiritual Malady "
I have had the thought that I would like A drink, knowing that it is not an obsession, but just my mind recalling that a drink provided relief once upon a time, and like Jerry it usually hits me when I am uncomfortable inside and heading on a downward spiritual turn. One thing I have learned from my own experience is that I have never gotten drunk because I wanted to get drunk. What I really wanted was to go to that place just before I get drunk. That place where the knot in my gut is gone, I can breath easy, and my head dont sound like a bus full of 8 year olds on a sugar rush and they all hate me. It made my spirit " At Ease " IE: silki's "sense of ease and comfort ".
So I know, that when I am using the kit of spiritual tools layed at my feet, one day at a time, usualy when a drink passes my thoughts is just reminissing of times it actually worked and its time to treat my alcoholism with AA and thank my God for the power he has given me to know it. Thanks for this thread Jerry and the world wide fellowship. What a deal for a hope to die drunk like me.
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Since it cost a lot to win, and even more to loose, you and me gotta spend some time just wondering what to choose.
