driving back from me mum's last night with the ipod on too loud I found some songs got the tears rolling down my cheeks. Probably not what I'd expected neither. Tom Robinson's Martin. The pogues waltzing Matilda. Johnny cash wanted man. Leadbelly goodnight Irene (ok that ones obvious) Hendrix hey Joe and little wing. 5 hand reel carrickfergus. Fields of Athenry. U2 van diemen's land. Makes me wonder if I'll be able to listen to music without getting caught unawares.. Not comfortable for a rufty tufty biker! mind you it balances the times when I'm helpless wi laughter and I can get all the way through nobody's child and Chris Rea's Valentino dry eyed there days.
-- Edited by bikerbill on Friday 25th of March 2011 03:37:38 AM
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
maybe for a childhood I never had, an adolescence lost to alcoholism, the fairy tale romance when I was young being lost since I was too wrapped up in my disease, I learned to seduce and fornicate before I learned to have relationships with others, which at the time seemed the same thing or a great idea, but in hindsight was a truly awful curse
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Wow, you guys are killing me. Im the same way with Disney films. For me I grieve my childrens childhood. Miss it so bad it hurts. And all the times I drank during such simple sweet moments. But my higher power has given me a second chance!! I am so grateful. I get to do all these things with future grandchildren. I get to go thru my oldest daughters wedding sober! Life is good. Wipeing my tears and heading to a meeting. Have a great day boys!!
I get all emotional when I hear that landslide song by Stevie Nicks (which was repopularized by the Dixie Chicks).... When I first came out of the closet and broke off with my then fiance, I kept hearing it and getting struck by the lyrics. Which are something like "I've been afraid of changing because I built my life around you..." It was very true and the same was the case in my last relationship. Friggin codepenceny lol. Still makes me sad to hear the song. Not to mention hearing the songs we had picked out for the wedding first dance and what not...ugh.
Memories which are based on sensory input such as music are very strong because they are encoded in the brain on multiple levels and tied to emotions in a way that goes around all defenses you have built up to normally just shut out thoughts that are bothersome.
Specific to you Bill...I could hazzard some guesses to your question. Of course you are going to have strong feelings about finally ending things with the mother of your children, about the way things look right now at the end of a long marriage, about getting older... It is the human condition. It may hurt at times, but you are human and being able to feel these things today is actually a blessing. Like many of us here, in the old days you would have drowned out all the emotions with alcohol.
So...As you probably know at 4 years sober now, you are now capable of feeling more emotions than ever before. Some are uncomfortable but along with being able to feel sad in new ways, you gain the ability to feel happy, joyous, and free. A fair trade off I would say.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
it's easy at a funeral. Abide with me, I just can't get all the way through it. But that's what it's there for. Every funeral bar one I've ever been to ends with it. Today's did. I remember all the people who meant summat to me who have died, but soon enough remember the good times and can be grateful to have had them in my life.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
My hardest thing is visiting my little baby girl's grave and realizing what I lost. I usually bring my youngest son and try to make it a time to connect with her spirit. I lie down next to her grave, and we place flowers in her little vase. We don't say much, I just frequently hug the ground next to her. There's a moment of silence, and then having brought our bicycles, we spend several hours riding them all around the grave, passing her many times. This make is less painful, for we are feeling we are spending time with her, just by being near what remains of her. I didn't go last year because we were out of state, but May 1 I will go. Can't decide if I should bring my dog. If I bring him, I can't ride my bike, cuz he will run in front of it and stuff. Cause me to crash. Maybe stick to tradition and just do the bike thang.
For me Bill it is about my vunerability and those tender cells that float around with my testosterone and adrenalin. And then maybe it's is also about my fears and powerlessness and compassions like the other day finding the most beautiful of small birds huddled among some stones when I arrived at work. It was obviously sick or hurt and fearful and in shock...It looked aware that it was powerless and that my wants and wishes for it wouldn't add one twit to it's condition. Not even my prayers seemed to have power and I was so into it's problem that the problem was magnified and became mine. I found another thing I didn't want to happened and wanted control over. It was more beautiful on the outside than I was...brown and gold with a polished copper head...small and fragile and then dead in my hands.
When I drank, I drank and tried to maintain control at the same time...it almost killed me. I want control when I want control and when I don't want something to happen I seriously don't want it to happen and I have to remember Dr. Paul. "Acceptance is the solution to all of my problems." Easiest thing to do in response is to be honest and cry and feel my un-Higher Powerlessness and to locate the lesson...reality...all things are temporary and beauty abides everywhere and in everything, including myself. So I turned it over...losses among gains and the only response is "thank you" for the loss of this disease for today and the opportunity for balance. Out of love I layed it in a freshly tilled garden area that is a loss for me...turning it fallow because of disease. It is a loss because it has fed me and my spouse and my family and others for several years and I need to replace it with something as good or better to maintain the spirit of it. Turn it over is just not a bumper sticker anymore. Tears tell me another thing which my sponsor gave me in early childhood...for what else have you got tear glands?...go figure. (((hugs)))
