At my first meeting of Alcoholics anonymous I had the obsession to drink removed, period. I know what I was before that meeting and how I felt and how deeply I enjoyed the sensations of being High and drunk and bombastically lost. Most importantly of all I know how I felt after that meeting, and how PROFOUNDLY different I felt. Something had happened. I have since shared that at many a meeting to alot of doubting scoffs and eye rolling one guy even shared one time right after me that any person comes to one meeting of alcoholics anonymous and "claims" to have had the obsession removed was never really an alcoholic at all. What can I do with that but quietly know my truth.
Throughout my sobriety I have wondered so many times why I have never even been troubled by the thought of alcohol, to the degree that my "idea" of me consisted of , I'm the guy in AA who really is different, I'm special .... LOL.
I felt so odd at three years about never having been troubled by the drinking thoughts that one time on a Friday afternoon , post payment from the boss, I actually rang my sponsor to pretend ( this is how mad I've been in my self-centeredness) that I was on the verge of a bust and could you please help me not drink. I honestly believe part of the reason I did that was to feel more normal, more like a run of the mill alky, I even got alot of pleasure sharing in meetings about how God had worked through my sponsor to "save" me and " the program really words".
"If we cut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit the insanity of alcohol will return and we will drink again."
Forgive me if thats not a direct quote it came out of my mind not cut and pasted. The point is I never really truely believed this quote, that's not a joke by the way I never admitted it to others but in the privacy of my own mind it was Bulls***, true for you though, but not me and it was an old idea of mine I suffered as a result of because of my experience of never having been troubled by alcohol. I thought I had established facts here.
Fast forward to 5 years sober and as of Sunday afternoon I absolutely know that it is God keeping me sober, Not me, not my knowledge of AA or any other cute little catch phrases , like most of my old ideas hidden behind a smirk, I have had the smirk smacked of my face with a humbling thop.
I consider myself to work quite an intense program I try to be as open minded honest and willing as is humanly possible for me. The up side of this is that it brings huge conscious contact with God. The down side is the things that I can get away with before I cut that contact off are fewer and smaller. Leading up to Sunday afternoon I had had a fear sitting on me for about 2 months of something that might happen , and had tried to work it out with my mind ( Bahahahahah) then I spoke to my wife extremely rudely on saturday night and that cut me to shreds this women is my sweety pie honey bunch yoooouu know that I love yoooouuuu, the final straw though was that my thoughts had dwelled in an unhealthy selfpity spot all Sunday morning.
Sunday afternoon I felt the culmination of leaving the sunlight of the spirit shut off for too long hit HAAAAARRRd. First I had the image of a Jack Daniels bottle enter my head followed closely by a good night out ( there were a few) that lined up with that beverage. Before I knew it I was consumed in every sense of the word by the obsession. It was really scary stuff. I was trapped in it for about an hour, then I resigned myself to the fact that my sobriety may be at an end.
GOD. It came like that in my mind a word, GOD, then a thought then the action. All I could do was pray. By the grace of God the desire to drink was removed. What I did learn out of this is that it is definitely God keeping me sober. I honestly believed until Sunday that alot of the reason I am sober is due to self knowledge and a deep understanding of how much better life is sober . Ahhhhhhhhhhh new. I am sober because of God. It's sounds so simple it's silly but I needed to know this. I can't believe in hindsight that someone who enjoyed consuming pyschotropic sunstances as much as me could think that the desire to drink and drug being removed was anything other thaaan a miracle. Real magic. I am buzzing you people taught me real magic. This journey and it's down right hectic at times is the best trip ever.
Inventory milestones to date
2 years ................realised I was an a**h*** 5 years ................realised I was a know it all smarta**
It's not good news for the ego , but great news for a spiritual pathwalker.
I remember in my secret smugness of my innermost thoughts, that while learning "the rules do in fact apply to me" maybe there was a few ways they didn't, all very unconscious, but while I was a garden variety drunk, maybe I was a little special too
a few years into my sobriety a guy named "toofless Shane" got up to tell his story, this boy had NOTHING going for him except he was sober, he was low rent, toothless, none too smart etc the point being I was "better" then he was
He opened his mouth and my story came out, all the grandiose thinking, all the self justifications, all the blind spots, it was me
but but but he had NO reason to think that way, he had NO reason to think the rules didn't apply to him....and I did!!! I was special, I was unique, I was extra smart!!!!
I threw up in my mouth a little bit...and I have never been the same since, listening to sponsees tell their fifth steps has been important and helpful for that, because I learned our "stories" are only important because they are "ours", that my mind can have me believing the most puerile bullshit, but when a sponsee or someone in a meeting pulls their covers, they pull mine too and I am able to see my grandiose thinking, my thinking I am special or unique
the greatest gift I think I got from AA was being average, if I am average, not special, not unique, I give a great sigh of relief, there is hope for me yet
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
As much as I tried to dismiss, dilute, deny, and redefine the God of the steps, as intended and written about throughout our Society's founding and early history, as well as the spiritual awakening ascribed as THE result of taking the steps, it does indeed seem to be that "...it is definitely God keeping me sober." Thanks for the post Jamie.
