A Consultant Psychiatrist put me on some medication for my panic-attacks - they had made life miserable for me lately and contributed to my drinking for the firat time in 3-and-a-half years. He did warn me that, initially, they might make my anxiety worse.
After 10 days on them it's like I'm on another planet - horrendous panic attacks while just doing mundane things that normally pose no problems for me. Hot-and-Cold, flushes, sleeplessness - I had to visit my doctor to get more medication just to cope with these side effects. However, I'm told that once the medication truly kicks in I should feel a lot calmer.
I was at an AA meet tonight and just felt that I didn't belong - I was annoyed at peoples' arriving late and snapped at one guy who had left his phone on and was texting during the meeting.
As part of the bigger picture - and I recognise that this could be just the way I'm currently feeling, but I doubt it - I'm fed up with AA, my sponsor, and I don't really believe in a Higher Power. I feel worse than I did 3 years ago and speculate that AA may have contributed towards this.
I don't want to drink; but I don't want to go to AA meetings ever again.
Edit: I'm sorry this sounds bad and just so abruptly ungrateful, it's how I feel, though.
-- Edited by puzzled on Saturday 19th of March 2011 03:34:16 PM
Boy doesn't that sound like restless, irritable and discontent. Also sounds like a chemical reaction and don't we know about that one. It's even got you on the other side of having a Higher Power and a source of help. Scarey except that you brought it here and opened up to it. I got no suggestions except what I used to do...don't add fuel to the fire; don't drink!! and hold on to the idea that if the feed back you're getting from the profressionals is accurate "This too will pass". Keep coming back...in support.
I really cant say much about the meds. Well, thats a lie somewhat .. I thought I needed something to get me thru the panic/anxiety of getting sober, and started taking a prescribed Xanax from my family physician. Not a smart thing to do, I drank again. Even tho I know in my mind that the meds were not what made me drink. Nothing makes me drink, but me, its that simple.
Anyhow, with the suggestion of my sponsor trying to stay sober for the first year without meds, Then if I still feel like I need something, see my doc. She suggested that I use God, Program, and Ppl to help me, and thats what I did. She also told me she is not a doctor and doesn't claim to be one either.
So, 6+ yrs later Im sober, and not on any meds. I dont need them. and sorry to say, Im very anti-med.
It sounds like theres definately something wrong with you Puzzled .. and theres nothing wrong with coming here, sharing and being honest. I do hope you find the help/answers you need.
Sorry to hear about the issue with the meds, not a Doc, but I know some meds just don't agree with certain individuals. It's good that you are honestly stating your feelings, which seem the be the standard effects of untreated Alcoholism, whereby the problem is everything but ourselves.
The first solution is get out of ourselves, trying to help others and the group.
Not drinking is just a small part of the goal of our recovery program, the major objective is to become alright with not drinking, ourselves, the world, it's people, situations so we can lead a reasonably happy life.
Don't mean to preach, but this is a 12 step recovery forum.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Puzzled, qratitude is the question and the answer. It's a decision just like beinq happy or beinq mal content. We decide. It's an inside job, whether you're in AA or anywhere else. AA isn't anythinq unique or special, it's just a clearinq house for accumulated wisdom. The biqqest "secret" we learn here is that if we want to accomplish somethinq, all we have to do is duplicate another's efforts to qet similar results. Find someone that has what you want and ask them how they qot it. If you don't want what anyone else has then you miqht wind up with somethinq that nobody else wants, which is where I think you miqht be riqht now. I think that one of the first of the profound thinqs that I heard in early sobriety, was that my brain is not my friend. I thouqht that my brain was me. I learned that I am just the poor s.o.b. that has to listen to my brain. Then I learned that I didn't have to listen it. The less I listened, the quieter it qot. Now I just mostly lauqh at what my brain tries to tell me.
Hi my name is Bill , recovered alcoholic what Step are you on that's what they asked me I suffer from a disease that is spiritual in nature . You can't trick me I studied that book my sponsor tells me too. Some where it says that whenthe spiritual malady is over come we straighten out mentally and physically . After I got thru this process I experienced that.and I continue to experience the same thing .trust God clean house help others. I found a way to live where it is not neccasary to drink or drug or live thru better chemistry. I continue to perfect and enlarge my spiritual life and not in theory. Every day I. Go out and serve him after I apply walk is on pages 86 and on . Receive every thing I need and I go out and serve.and when some thing crops and tey do I ask him to remove it right then amd there and I keep it moving . Only action ! thinking is required. Just my experience. Come on . You wanna help ?
im on meds too..i ended up in the psych ward after 13years of sobriety, suicidal depression and severe anxiety..the last 7-8yrs im in therapy for my "outside issues" i ran into a woman i have always liked in the hospital..we were friends in program for a few years and i had no idea she had a mental illness..she became my sponsor...i was educated about my condition in hospital and like alcoholism there are things to keep yourself "safe"..i love my sponsor..she the best one i have ever had..i have trouble going to meetings cause of the severe anxiety..i like small meetings and candle light ones are my favorite..ive been thinking of starting a daytime saturday meeting ..stepbook maybe cause those tend to be small.. As for the Higher Power..my favorite prayers were to ask for proof of God..i was willing to believe but proof would be good (i thought) so weird things happened when i did that..i got the proof..Dont forget to ask to have "the eyes to see it" lol..Dont give up honey..its gonna be alright..YOU are NOT ALONE ...love in recover (hugs)
Most of what you are saying is not attributable to meds but seems like a solution to a larger problem. Something is not working with your program. What about new meetings? I know what it's like to have anxiety and for AA to feel stale at times. You know from your 3 years sober that you have to do things you don't feel like in order to make progress.
When you act "as if" it's going to level out. Don't look for reasons to give up or relapse again. Go to meetings and stay active. This too shall pass.
You might not feel as annoyed if you share more what you are going through. I find I get annoyed at others when I'm trying to go it alone.
P.S. The nature of a panic attack is to want to escape to safety and to get away from others. You are going to feel like that in meetings sometimes until your meds get adjusted. If you buy into that feeling, you will be prone to agoraphobia which often accompanies panic attacks. If you tell on your panic, just like you would tell on your alcoholism, it will lose power. I have seen folks with panic ride out the whole meeting holding hands and breathing deep with others. It helps. It's better than staying at home and isolating.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 21st of March 2011 09:47:19 PM
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