Dear AA community, I have made 3 amends so far, and yesterday made a very big one, to my boss. I had spoken with my sponsor, several friends in the program with a lot of sobriety time, and had prayed about this amends thoroughly beforehand. I decided to make this amends because it is the right thing to do, despite the fact that I may lose my job over this. No, not just my job...my career.
I am a teacher. I have been teaching for 13 years and it is my lifelong dream and passion. Coming from a low socioeconomic background, I had to take out extensive student loans to pursue my education, and to acquire my masters degree. I love teaching and I will admit, I am pretty good at it.
It may all be over now, however. Yesterday I walked into my principal's office and told him that I am an alcoholic in AA and that my life has been unmanageable. I told him that I went through a divorce, lost my house, and had to sell my car I couldn't afford as a result of my alcoholism. I explained that at my worst I didn't answer the mail for weeks, months on end and stopped paying my bills regularly. I was in financial and emotional crisis. I let everything fall apart, yet I still managed to get up every day and come to work. My school saved my life, it was the only thing normal that I had left. Unfortunately, like many other things, my car, my credit rating, my relationships, I let my teacher certification expire. I have been teaching without a valid certificate for almost 2 years.
No matter how much I love teaching, no matter that I still owe $40,000 in student loans, no matter how good I am at it or how passionate, I most likely will still lose my job.
I did what I had to do, come clean honestly and with humility and self respect. I walked out of the meeting with my head held high and peace in my heart. It is in God's hands. My principal was miraculously understanding and compassionate, saying he will do all he can do to support me in my recovery...but that I may not be able to teach here anymore. He is consulting the corporate office to find out if there is a way I can have a temporary certificate while taking the classes I need to reinstate my certificate. I don't know if I'll be teaching or unemployed on Monday. It is a scary place to be, as a single mom with two children to take care of...but I have to believe that things will work out as they should. I don't know if everything is going to be ok, but I do know that things are going to be what God wants them to be...and no matter what I will not drink over it. I am staring down the ugly wreckage of my past and embracing that right now I am all right.
I am a born teacher and no one or nothing will keep me from doing what I do best. If it doesn't work here, I will not falter. I will continue striving to teach in any capacity that I can...even volunteering if that is all I can do now. I will get my recertification and start over if necessary. In the meantime I will see how else I can help people and become even more active in service work. I will do the next right thing.
You wrote " I walked out of the meeting with my head held high and peace in my heart. It is in God's hands." That is just plain inspirational-grace and courage in sobriety-I bet you will be just fine!!
It's a process and that is an amends process...there's more to do; the making it right. Honesty and trust is also a part of the amends and that's a good display of it that I can copy.
I was given a slogan by my elder sponsor which says "Don't project" and you are leaving the outcome up to your HP...That's amending also. I agree Heather this is a BIG amends. Stay with it and thanks for bringing it here cause it's soooo supportive of recovery. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you for sharing that with us. Your recovery shows such tenacity, faith and honour. God loves such people. We have all failed, but to admit it and become honest with ourselves takes such courage and faith. You might lose your job, but you will be blessed by God. I am living proof of that. About 19 years ago I asked God to take me out of a job. The job was nice but it had nothing to offer me in terms of growth, especially spiritually. God took me out and gave me a small family business to run. It's paid all the bills and more than that it brought my wife and I closer together. As a result it has brought our children together. Trust God, clean house and small miracles will automatically manifest themselves. I will pray for you.
I felt grateful and humbled after reading your story and I thank you for that. What Ilearned from this encounter, which I do believe others should as well, is not only your willingness to persevere through this difficult ordeal but your determination to "Never Give Up" regardless of the circumstances.
You obviously, have a passion for teaching and are gifted not just in your profession but in others areas as well. God, I feel, will use your talents to accomplish many things in life; like teaching others about honesty, willingness and perseverance.
The say in Alcoholics Anonymous "When the student is ready to learn, his teacher will appear" -How True. You have learned from this experience and can now teach others, about the very things some of us choose to ignore: the honesty and integrity associated with becoming responsible and how crucial they are to maintaining our sober demeanor -one day at a time.
~God bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 19th of March 2011 12:47:54 PM
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 19th of March 2011 12:48:10 PM
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 19th of March 2011 04:08:37 PM
Thank you everyone! Just an update: TODAY I still have my job, and all I can do is be grateful for today. My principal is looking into options and says he will do what he can to support me in my recovery, but there may be serious repercussions for my actions. He is looking into the matter and checking with the higher ups in administration to see if anything can be done. This process will take about a week. He has asked me not to enroll in courses yet, until we know if I will still have job to pay for the classwork. I am trying not to worry, but of course am very concerned. I must support my two little ones and myself, and am not sure what I will do worst case scenario.
I have learned through AA and prayer and meditation that I do not necessarily have to know what the next step will be. I can be prepared for different scenarios, but realize that i am not the one in the driver's seat. The next step is up to God and there will be a lesson either way.
My hope is that this whole thing is a "It's a Wonderful Life" type lesson, where I spend some time anguishing about the possibility of losing everything, but then end up with a miracle...the miracle of gratitude for what gifts I have in my life already. I would like nothing more than to continue to teach and inspire students where I am today, yet be able to embrace my position with even more respect and honor knowing that I was *this close* to losing it. If God has another plan for me, I will accept it and see how I can make the best of the situation...realizing that He knows what's best and He will take care of me and my family.
Today I have my job, and I will make the most of it. One day at a time! Keeping my head up, Heather
