On Friday I spoke to my wife face to face for the first time in several months. It was nice. Nothing earth shattering but just a nice pleasant conversation after months of anger and misunderstandings.
On Tuesday I dropped off the kids and saw her again. This time we laughed and joked, we spoke for a long time and had a cry, I told her I was so very sorry for the pain I had caused and she said she was proud of what I was doing. I realised that I was still madly in love with her and told her and she said she still loved me and we would always be good friends but it was over.
So I cried all the way home and when I got there I recived a text message from her so we texted back and forward and then emailed. The message was always the same: I love you, I will always love you but it is over.
Yesterday I was a mess. I wanted my wife back and I wanted her right now. I wanted to get in my car and drive to her and beg her to take me back. I also wanted to turn off my feelings so I would never be hurt again. I didn't know what I wanted and I spent the day in a daze.
Finally I had had enough of the day and I lay down to go to sleep. Letting my mind wander I gave thanks that I hadn't thought about drinking at all and a light bulb went off in my head:
For months all I had asked from my God was that this horrible fighting would end. I didn't want to have my best friend angry with me and I didn't want my kids to grow up watching their mum and dad fight. I had told God that just having her as a friend would be good enough.
So that is what I got and then some but it wasn't enough and I hadn't even thought to say thanks for it. I realised that I am not in any fit state to ask for any more from her yet, and that this was only the second meeting since a very big bust up and we are closer than I ever thought possible even a couple of weeks ago.
I felt very humbled and realised how selfish I'd been when I understood this. I was being given exactly what I needed (and what my wife and kids needed), and the universe is unfolding exactly as it should. I don't know where things will go from here but they are getting better and I really need to remember that and be very greatful for what I have now.
I'm not sure if I've explained that properly but I don't have better words for it.
Time heals all wounds. Great share Frodo. Leave it all in your HP's hands. Rest. Don't torture yourself and let your ex find her way. It may lead back to you, but don't hold your breath. After some time you will love again.
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
I guess that what I was trying to say is that I forgot to look at where I was and where I am now and just how important that is. I was too busy focusing on what I want rather than what I have, and more importantly what I didn't have even a week ago.
It was just a nice reminder that the promises are working and that the glass is half full and getting fuller (of orange juice, of course), and that I need to appreciate what I have rather than worrying about what I don't have.
Aloha Frodo...good growth!! and you mentioned the "H" word; humble/humility that is a good one for me to remember and to remember how I learned it in recovery. "Being humble is being teachable" my elder sponsor taught me and I love being the student now. I'm happy with you as you find more peace because I remember that it is in peace and serenity that most great growth arrives. Remember we're only good for 24 X 7 one at a time and God's got better ideas and plans than we do.
Thanks for the bump Mr David, and a well timed one at that. I will see my wife tomorrow for the first time since I made that post. I'm in a much, much better head space with everything but I don't reckon it would have hurt me one little bit to see that again.
