I've struggled a lot the last few days trying to reconcile my recovery, my relationship with my wife and God. I would not be sober today had it not been for my total surrender to God and by focusing on pleasing Him. But I also could not reconcile signing the divorce papers and focusing on my recovery because it would not be pleasing to God. I was in turmoil all weekend because God commands me to love my wife even if she is not lovable. How can I pick and choose which commands to follow?
AA (and I mean in general) says to focus on recovery first. My counselor says to focus on pleasing God first. I say screw it all and have a beer. My pastor's wife (probably one of the best advice givers I've ever met) said that I wasn't doing enough to show her how serious I am about saving our marriage and I've been thinking all along that I was doing to much.
Confusion, stress, headaches, heartaches.... this is a lot in my fragile state of mind and I'm missing my best friend... the one that I trusted with stuff like this.
After a lot of prayer, I decided not to sign the divorce papers. I can't stop her, but I know that I didn't give up if I don't sign them. I will return the papers tomorrow without my signature with the most sincere and honest letter I've ever written.... just asking her to wait... nothing else.
I've also realized that faith without works is meaningless... but how do you show someone something if they won't talk to you. After speaking with my counselor, I chose to The Love Dare. It won't be easy in our situation and it requires me to put aside my pride, but I will do it and I'll do it because it will be obedient to God.
My wife and I may not be able to reconcile things, I realize that, but it is part of me being whole again. I simply cannot ignore what God commands of me becauase without Him, I'd be drinking now.
How long did it take the alcohol and all the actions that go with it...to destroy the marriage? It could take just as long to repair it all.. Then again? It might be unrepairable in her eyes.. Its something like robbing a bank... and taking the money back a few days later..and saying Im sorry.. I dont think they are going to say.. Hey! No prob Bud...Youre free to go :) You stay sober for say...6 months...and your wife might look at things differently... I think that you are right by signing the papers...and just letting that end of it go...for now.. Put the ball in her park...and dont bug her ass.. If she wants to turn things around at a later date? Great.. If not... The Old Boy upstairs will put good things in your path... when HE thinks that you are ready :)
Hey MJ. I like the plan. Its simple and honest. You tell her you need to leave it in Gods hands. If she follows through, you have done your part. If not you are still married on paper. Either way it goes, It does not have to be over. Just keep plugging and staying sober through the grace of your HP, the way will become clear. Hang in there! Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
The entire AA program is a way to align your will to God's will...what does that mean people ask? They ask for God's will then try to run their own lives, well the steps break that down into bite sized pieces
the second part of the first step states "that our lives were unmanageable"
well, alcoholic, life on the rocks, marriage on the rocks, drunk repeatedly after swearing off forever, prey to misery and depression, can't be of help to others....pretty easy to see, but WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? unmanageable
it means stop trying to manage your own life, just do the next right thing and let the chips fall where they may, it means stop trying to manipulate others to our own wilful desires, if you've admitted your life is unmanageable, then stop trying to manage it, the result of us managing our life is what causes the marriage to end in most cases, along with all our other problems
second step states you can be restored to sanity, that you will come to believe, first that you have been insane, and second, you can be restored to sanity, the third step states we turn our will and our life over to the care of God, you might ask, what do we mean by that, and what do we do?
page 60 I think, right after C God could and would if he were sought breaks it down, ultimately it says we were selfish, self centered, and ego-centric, and it's time to get other centered, the way to do that is by working steps 4-12
I know this is "your story" and thus painful, but to those have us that have been around it's our story too, then it's our sponsees story, this is like AA story 1a
lost ma wife
When I was knew, GF had thrown me out my sponsor said two things:
She WILL be back GUARANTEED My job is to get you healthy enough to say no when she does
He was spot on
I have told 1000's of newcomers "don't worry about it, work the steps and your life will magically transform, these problems will all disappear, and you will be rocketed into a life you have never dreamed possible"
But but my PROBLEMS my STORY my PAIN
work the steps
but my WIFE my JOB my ROAD RAGE
work the steps
go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps and your life will get different, that may include your wife coming back, it might not, but I was told, you and your thinking CAUSED this Fing mess you call a life, STOP THINKING and do what is front of you
meetings work the steps
do that and talk to me in a year and you'll want to give me a kiss, and I'm a big hairy lumberjack man n stuff
the program actually works if you work it, as in get a sponsor and start doing what he says, read when he says read, write when he says write, and do nothing when he says do nothing, but it's a program of action, it's not picked up by osmosis from sitting in meetings, then you just learn tricky catch phrases and the lingo and give everyone else advice without changing your own life, and end up more miserable then ever, because if nothing changes, nothing changes (funny how that works)
time to abandon yourself to God as you understand God, and the whole "faith without works is dead" thing, refers to helping others and getting off yer arse and helping yourself by helping others, not trying to get your wife back, the "works" in this instance would be changing yourself into a better man without a hidden agenda to manipulate your wife to come back, just an observation, Gods no the one who trashed your marriage, so he's no the one who needs to do the heavy lifting to fix it, that's on you, and as they say in the rooms, you are responsible for flinging shit against the wall, but you aint in charge of adhesion, that's God's job, that means better yourself, become a sober man with a clearer contact with God where you work on doing God's will (not trying to bend God to do your will) and what happens, happens
Sorry if that sounds rough, but it is what it is, been through this myself and walked a few dozen sponsees through it as well, the only ones that got better, did so by immersing themselves entirely in the program for a few years, in most cases the wife came back, in very few cases did it work out long term, getting sober is like removing a piece from a babies mobile, it throws the whole relationship out of whack, particularly if one is working a vigorous program of self growth and the other isn't, it's like fishes and bicycles
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
I can't really say that alcoholism destroyed my marriage directly. She claims to never had a problem with my drinking nor had she ever complained about. It most definitely affected it indirectly. Alcohol clouded my judgement, numbed my emotions... who knows how that impacted my actions and her feelings towards me. My actions the night I blew up and kicked her out were solely of my own doing. While I had been drinking a lot, I am still responsible for that.
I know that I am in no shape to be in an active relationship right now and have no plans to jump back into things as they were. Maintaining my sobriety comes before the marriage because it will not be any different if I continue to drink or relapse. I just can ignore the responsibility I have to my wife.
Not harsh at all nor is it really inconsistent with what I said. When all of this first went down, I was not too interested in working things out with my wife. I was ready to move on, but the AA thing got in the way. As you said, Step 3 states:
"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we
understood Him."
This cannot be solely applied to my alcoholism... it has to be applied to all aspects of my life. just as the steps has to be. My God commands me to love my wife and that cannot be ignored. This is not an attempt to manipulate my wife into coming back as I know full well that may not do that. However, I still have to act on that love because just sitting back, praying for a restored marriage and waiting for her to call is faith sans works. This is also not an attempt to manage my own life. I feel is a step in obedience to God.
I do not have a sponsor yet. I intended on talking with the chair person last week, but I really only showed up to my last meeting to keep me from grabbing a six-pack. My heart wasn't in it at all. My work schedule has prevented my from attending meetings this week, but I intend on making all meetings I'm aware of this weekend as I will not have my daughter. My intention is to get a sponsor and start formally working the steps. I will rely on my sponsor, but I will rely on God first and if there are any conflicts, God will win. God gave me the desire and ability to stop drinking. He also gave me AA to help keep me sober.
Regardless of what happens with my wife, I will continue to please God and I will continue to attend AA and work the steps. My relationship with God is my focus.
and upon reading your last post and rereading what you wrote earlier, understand a little better as well
just be careful man, this here's an insidious disease, whatever we put in front of our recovery, we lose first, that's kind of a "rule of thumb", this here things tricky, if religion could beat it there'd be no alcoholic christians, if money could beat it, there'd be no rich drunks, if intelligence could beat it, there'd be no smart drunks, the steps bring about a personality change sufficient to recover from alcoholism, and since it was written by christians, it fits in VERY well with that, it's patient, I have seen many an enthusiastic newcomer not make it because they didn't use that first flush of enthusiasm to work those steps, I also can relate to your pain, as I said earlier, I was in your shoes when I got here, and I have seen many thousands follow in mine between when my feet brought me to AA and yours brought you here, we all had the same story
take this road it turns out well take this road it turns out poorly
intentions mean nothing, thinking means nothing, action means everything with this deal, that's just my experience, that's what "faith without works is dead" means in this context, every alcoholic since the beginning of time started out not drinking with the best of intentions, in AA we learned how to make those intentions translate into sobriety and a conscious contact with our higher power, but like a dieter that wants to lose weight and thinks about going to the gym but doesn't, or just goes to the gym and watches other people exercise, nothing changes for them, because nothing changed, they took no action, but those that go and hit the weights and the treadmill, and eat right, they lose weight and get healthy
I just want to see you succeed and stay sober, alcohol kills too many of us, ruins the lives of too many of our children, and spouses too, like you rightfully say, not because we are drunk, but because killing ourselves is an insane act, and it makes us insane, and we had to be a bit insane to even start drinking like that, so we don't have a "drinking problem" we have a thinking problem, and stopping drinking doesn't fix that, I am just trying to encourage you to address that thinking problem before it turns back into a drinking problem again, waiting until you are ready to buy a six pack to hit a meeting is putting a band aid on a nuclear reactor leak, it's only a matter of time before that things explodes, I'm hoping you get some stepwork under your belt before that explosion takes place which will = the loss of your daughter, the certain loss of your marriage, and a never ending downward spiral, this is serious business
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Hi MJ, your story reminds me of my marriage. I stayed married for 26 years believing that my God wanted me to stay true to the vows I made when I was 19 years old. The relationship was insane, riddled with addiction from the start, even before we married. But, I believed I was supposed to love him and MAKE it work... "until death do us part."
Years into it, I went to see a priest, who tried to tell me that God didn't put me here to suffer. I couldn't fathom that, and it ran counter to what I had been taught during my 12 years of catholic school.
During the final years, I had spent thousands of dollars in counseling and bodywork, alternative care and self-help books. I had no real idea what was wrong. Reluctantly, I crawled into al-anon. Gradually, I began to see how I had been trying to force the marriage to work... my old beliefs demanded that I make it work... even though it wasn't. It felt like I had been rowing upstream all this time... it began to affect me physically, it was all so terribly difficult. Finally, I decided to drop the oars... and just flow with the current. I stopped resisting. I let go. Very soon afterwards, it was over, I had been trying to keep the marriage together by myself.... that is not a marriage.
Today, I believe that God's will is presented to me all the time, especially when I have no control over something. To me, "hell" is just resistance to life. The program taught me to be humble... teachable. To me, that means becoming friendly with the present moment, to life as it is. To stop being so fearful and having some faith instead, that all shall be well.
I'm not trying to tell YOU what to do, I have NO IDEA what you should do. To me, you're doing it right... getting with God. My experience is, I prayed and prayed, "God please help me." And years of suffering would go by and I would pray and pray, "God please help!!" (I'm a little slow, lol)
And just so you know... I've never stopped loving my husband, even in divorce. No, never stop Loving. He is a good person, doing the best he can... he is the father of my children. I pray for him daily and wish only the best for him. The program taught me to make amends and because of this, he and I are able to be friendly and meet together with our children, as a family. All because...... I surrendered to the God of my understanding. (when I was good and ready, lol)
Namaste ((my friend))
-- Edited by gladlee on Wednesday 16th of March 2011 07:16:45 AM
Aloha Jasper...on the wife issue...could it be that the wife you have in mind and the wife your HP has in mind are two different women? As a practicing alcoholic I made many many mistakes only a small part of was relationships with women. Which one gets blessed...the one I want or the one God wants. Think that out a bit and see what you come up with. In support ..
Jerry, I think that was definately the case when I began having this affair years ago. Though our relationship grew out of a great friendship and developed into a very strong emotional relationship, I'm certain that God did not intend on me being in a affair. I don't know exactly what I wanted, but M fulfilled all of "my" perceived needs and desires.
At the same time, I am also certain that God wants me to put an effort in the marriage regardless of how she feels or reacts towards me. It shows me how to love someone unconditionally and I am sure that there are many spiritual lessons to be learned by following the 40 day Love Dare.
Please, don't misunderstand this as a manipulative means in getting my wife back. The Love Dare is dealing precisely with the problems that led to our split in the first place... manipulation... conditional love... resentment. God commands me to love my wife, but He never commands the wife to love her husband. That tells me what I need to do right now. If what I need to do changes, God will tell me what to do if I seek Him and listen. That's what the last month has been about for me... seeking Him and listening.
