So in a furry, my wife leaves me two weeks ago. She said she wasn't happy and she thought divorce was the only way for her to find happiness. She never felt at home at the house, for several reason. We had been looking for a new house just a few weeks ago. She hadn't been able to find a job like she lost because of us and didn't feel like she was contributing, while I had seem to prosper. I relentlessly tried to assure that we would overcome those things in time. I put her needs first, and in my co-dependent ways (probably for feeling responsible for her unhappiness) anticipated and tried to meet all her needs whether she needed them or not.
When she said she was unhappy I took it personally. I left work early, drank a lot. Got even more angry when she got home and would not talk so I told her to get the hell out. Though not violent or calling her names, I was a monster. She left.
I called an attorney and set up and appointment for a meeting... it would be a uncontested divorce. After a few days passed without alcohol and the withdrawals lessened, I began to think more clearly. I submitted myself to God to do his will. Part of that decision meant that I would remain committed to my wife until she filed for divorce. I expressed that to her in an email. God commands me to love my wife, love not just simply being a feeling. So I made sure she had access to the house without my presence to remove all of the stuff she had brought into the marriage, plus gave her some things that she did not have. I offered her all the food in the pantry that she wanted... whatever she needed, really.
Though she has done everything possible to erase me from her life... left everything I bought for her since the wedding... left all wedding pictures... changed her last name... she failed to meet the attorney at the scheduled time. That was two weeks ago today.
A couple of days after receiving the email, she sent me a text thanking me for my kindness but that her mind was made up. I again, assured her that I would not file for divorce... she would have to.
I have not contacted her because she doesn't want to talk with me... except for once a week, I remind her that I'm committed to the marriage via a text. I don't beg her back, tell her I love her or nag. I still wear my wedding ring. I still read material to help me be a better husband.
I've been mostly OK, focusing on God, my daughter, myself, AA. But I ran into her today. She smiled and said hey, but I couldn't only walk away. Emotions and feelings of love, anger, sadness, rage, frustration came over me. I know that God wants me to put and effort into the marriage, but it's difficult when she will not talk to me. I'm left to wonder each day whether my attorney will call or not. The stress just hit me all at once this afternoon.
It was difficult not return to my old ways of hiding behind the bottle, but I made it. My daughter and I went for a nice walk, rode bicycles, picked on each other. It was nice.
But I miss my wife and her kids. Not knowing is very hard and not drinking to hide the pain is even harder.
I found these words to be true and comforting when I was new, I too thought my relationship was over when I got sober, my sponsor said, "Don't worry, she'll be back, truthfully my job is to make you healthy enough so when she does come back you'll be healthy enough to say "No"
He failed miserably, I took her back with open arms, an open mind, and an open heart, I wish he had worked a bit faster lololol what a painful train wreck the next few years were
Anyway, this is what our literature says, and I have found it to be 100% accurate over the 20 years I have been sponsoring others and watching people get sober
Now, the domestic problem: There may be divorce, separation, or just strained relations. When your prospect has made such reparation as he can to his family, and has thoroughly explained to them the new principles by which he is living, he should proceed to put those principles into action at home. That is, if he is lucky enough to have a home. Though his family be at fault in many respects, he should not be concerned about that. He should concentrate on his own spiritual demonstration. Argument and fault-finding are to be avoided like the plague. In many homes this is a difficult thing to do, but it must be done if any results are to be expected. If persisted in for a few months, the effect on a man's family is sure to be great. The most incompatible people discover they have a basis upon which they can meet. Little by little the family may see their own defects and admit them. These can then be discussed in an atmosphere of helpfulness and friendliness.
After they have seen tangible results, the family will perhaps want to go along. These things will come to pass naturally and in good time provided, however, the alcoholic continues to demonstrate that he can be sober, considerate, and helpful, regardless of what anyone says or does. Of course, we all fall much below this standard many times. But we must try to repair the damage immediately lest we pay the penalty by a spree.
If there be divorce or separation, there should be no undue haste for the couple to get together. The man should be sure of his recovery. The wife should fully understand his new way of life. If their old relationship is to be resumed it must be on a better basis, since the former did not work. This means a new attitude and spirit all around. Sometimes it is to the best interests of all concerned that a couple remain apart. Obviously, no rule can be laid down. Let the alcoholic continue his program day by day. When the time for living together has come, it will be apparent to both parties.
Let no alcoholic say he cannot recover unless he has his family back. This just isn't so. In some cases the wife will never come back for one reason or another. Remind the prospect that his recovery is not dependent upon people. It is dependent upon his relationship with God. We have seen men get well whose families have not returned at all. We have seen others slip when the family came back too soon.
Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. If you persist, remarkable things will happen. When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we could have planned. Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!
When working with a man and his family, you should take care not to participate in their quarrels. You may spoil your chance of being helpful if you do. But urge upon a man's family that he has been a very sick person and should be treated accordingly. You should warn against arousing resentment or jealousy. You should point out that his defects of character are not going to disappear over night. Show them that he has entered upon a period of growth. Ask them to remember, when they are impatient, the blessed fact of his sobriety.
If you have been successful in solving your own domestic problems, tell the newcomer's family how that was accomplished. In this way you can set them on the right track without becoming critical of them. The story of how you and your wife settled your difficulties is worth any amount of criticism.
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Just keep on track and all will work out. As you gain confidence in yourself and your HP, you will know that things work out in the end if you are true to yourself. Oddly, the program will give you the honesty to look her in the eye no matter what the situation is. Prayers sent to you for strength. Tom
-- Edited by turninggrey on Wednesday 9th of March 2011 10:04:24 AM
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Well man i've been separated but still legally married for over 5 years. thefirst year (including the last 10 months of my drinking) we propped each other up. As time progressed and I learnt more aboutmyself, my wife didn't. She's still teh girl I rescued and took hostage 32 years ago. I'm not that boy anymore.
we don't really know each other and I'm feeling trapped, kept on a string, intruded upon, distrusted, next to the bottom of the pile (she's at the bottom)
I asked that we engage in Relate 3 years ago and 2 years ago and finally 4 weeks ago. She agreed 2 weeks ago.
I think we are learning that we are both Codie and Counter dependent at ifferenttimes. I'm chaning, she is trying, but there is desperation there on her part. On my part, well I'm ready to move on with ym life and it may or may not include Eileen.
we had a sick relationship that currently is still sick. Will it recover? Dunno.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
She's still teh girl I rescued and took hostage 32 years ago.
Sorry for jumping into your thread Jasper but I've heard this a couple of times in meetings and I have heard that and I have a sinking feeling that is what I did but I've never heard the proper definition. Can someone explain it?
And Jasper, I'm going to see my wife face to face for the first time in four months in a little under 36 hours so I'll let you know how it went in case there is anything you can get out of it.
@ linbaba and happycamper - I spent some time in both the Big Book and Bible last night.
@ turninggrey - thanks for the encouragement and advice
@ bikerbill - Man, I'm sorry. But I admire your dedication. I don't know if I have the strength to do that... I've struggled with just a couple of weeks. I hope you guys can find some peace together or apart. Again, I admire your dedication.
@ Frodo - Praying for you Frodo. I hope things go very well. Please tell me about it.
@ Frodo - Praying for you Frodo. I hope things go very well. Please tell me about it.
I'm just hoping for polite. My mind is pretty much made up that I need to spend a while just discovering who I am and what it is I want from life. I don't know how to explain it but my marriage seems like a dream that happened to someone else - someone that doesn't exist anymore. He fell in love, he fell got his heart broken, he screwed up. That doesn't mean that I don't have to make amends for what happened but the idea of going back to her feels very odd. Sort of like I would be impersonating someone else. I don't if this is common or not, or if the feeling will survive the meeting but right now I'd settle for polite and friendly so we can get on with our lives.
Hey Bill, The good part of this (that comes out of the bad) is that it took AA for you to be honest with yourself. Your example MAY lead your wife to a recovery as well, but if not, you KNOW you are doing the right thing. Prayers to you both. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
In support and Prayer Jasper,Have been married 3x and Until I got me in "a fit spiritual condition" nothing was ever gonna work!!!Trust in your Higher Power and keep your recovery up front!!!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Hi, Something in the Blue Book. " Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job -- wife or no wife -- we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God. " Pretty hard to think straight coming off a drunk. If one is an Alcoholic. Just a thought. Wayne
She's still teh girl I rescued and took hostage 32 years ago.
Sorry for jumping into your thread Jasper but I've heard this a couple of times in meetings and I have heard that and I have a sinking feeling that is what I did but I've never heard the proper definition. Can someone explain it?
And Jasper, I'm going to see my wife face to face for the first time in four months in a little under 36 hours so I'll let you know how it went in case there is anything you can get out of it.
I don't know if there is a proper definition but what I mean is we were both needy. I needed to prove myself as a white knight, who would rescue and protect someone from allthe bad shit out there. So when this girl sjowed a bit of interest I had the chance toride ro therescue. Then I never let her grow. That's the hostage taking. She's just been to alanon again and called round for supper.. There's nothing there. We're like passngers on a bus. God gives me the jones to do the next right thing. I just gotta do it. She'll hurt. I'll hurt. But I'll grow.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
BikerBill, I can identify with what you are saying. I did much the same for my wife. She didn't need me to be her white knight nor did she ask me, she just needed me.
@ Frodo - Praying for you Frodo. I hope things go very well. Please tell me about it.
Nice. We were pleasant and both offered concessions to the other (What time do you want to drop them off? Whenever suits you. Anytime is fine with me etc). It was just such a relief to talk normally after so much anger and confusion from both sides. My kids were so much more relaxed after seeing us act like normal, polite adults and it was a really nice feeling to be able to act like a man to somebody that - while I don't ever see us living as man and wife again - I still care about very deeply about.
Assuming the handover on Tuesday goes without any strange change of attitude from either of us I'm going to write her a letter and thank her for the chance to show my children that I can act like a kind and decent man.
My first wife and I are very close friends. We were married almost 17 years. She screwed me over most of the first 13 and I screwed her over most of the last 5, but we put that aside for the sake of our daughter. She is usually the first person I call when something happens in my life, and vice-versa.
No one ever said sobering up would be easy. Our circumstances don't necessarily change, even after we discover life without the drink. The difficulties of life can and will continue, regardless of our sobriety. The question is...how do we deal with them?
My first inclination when dealing with frustrating people, before my spiritual enlightenment, was to lash out at those individuals that made me feel inferior. I would verbalize my disapproval in any disrespectful way possible, thus getting their attention but with a price. I never understood what was meant by emotional sobriety, until I viewed it from another persons perspective.
What it's really about is "Getting back to the basics of who we are. You are a valuable, precious soul who is kind at heart, even though you're not perfect. Neither is the other person involved. And they too have valuable qualities, though probably not very visible now. You must first concentrate on your own. Try to establish an inner dialogue, either with God, your sober network or someone close to you".
"You are not responsible for their feelings, nor are they for yours. There are always two sides to a situation. If you want inner peace, then it is more important to remain harmonious than to strive to win at any cost. If the other person proves to be wrong, they will probably feel worse about it and learn more from the situation if you come across as compassionate and understanding than if you are aggressive and put them on the defensive. If the other person proves later to be right, then learn to put your pride in your pocket and admit your role in the matter -no matter how difficult that may be. If you feel like it, pray to God or rely on your support network for help, so both of you can resolve this situation in a win/win way that may benefit you both in the long term".
Whatever you decide to do, try to remain in the presence of sober minded people - regardless of the circumstances. We will pray for your continuous sobriety and hope any matter, big or small, will be resolved between both parties involved, so you can reunite together under the umbrella of love and understanding until death do you part -we hope.
~God Bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Sunday 13th of March 2011 10:00:16 PM
-- Edited by Mr_David on Sunday 13th of March 2011 10:02:13 PM