It was two weeks ago today that I woke up realizing that I need to make changes in my life... the first being to quit drinking so much. That's right, I wasn't going to quit drinking entirely, just not every day. Or at least not 4-6-10-15 beers a day. Then came the anxiety, the night sweats, the confusion, the insomnia, the throbbing headaches and belief that persons across the room could hear my heart beating. Compounded with the fact that me and my wife of just six months were divorcing... it was overwhelming for me.
When I looked in the mirror, I saw a man that I despised for how he dealt with his first marriage. I hated myself for not knowing when to leave, and leaving when I should have stayed. For having a three year long affair. For getting fired from two different jobs in six months. For destroying families. For mishandling situations with my second wife's ex. Now, two divorces in less than a year. What a effing loser, I told myself.
Jesus, even my rock bottom wasn't as low everyone else's seems to be. Just another excuse to call myself a loser.
But I'm glad I found my rock bottom before hurting anyone else... before hurting myself more. I thank God each day for allowing me to find my rock bottom so I could surrender myself to Him. I am beginning to like myself again, something I haven't done in years. There are still problems. I still fight off the urge to drink almost every day and realize that it might be a struggle for a lifetime. My wife has moved out, but hasn't filed for divorce yet... leaving things up in the air. That's the worst possible situation for my personality type... the type that has to have resolutions now. I still have a weakness for women. But for once, I'm concentrating on me. Selfish, maybe. But it's working.
I never once thought that by not drinking, it would free my mind to embark on a journey of self discovery. So far, I like what I'm discovering.
-- Edited by Mad_Jasper on Saturday 5th of March 2011 11:46:28 AM
You put a smile on my face, MJ. I'm really, really pleased for you...two weeks is huge.
All of us in this program have felt pretty similar to you. That sheer hatred of the person in the mirror. That cameabsolute fear, terror, horror of life.
I used to use booze to try and find some stillness, to escape from that.
Fortunately, I, like you, came to AA. I kept coming back. I listened and kept away from that first drink. I started working the steps in this program.
Life isn't like that anymore for me. Sure I can have rough patches, but the AA program has given me the tools to deal with those times without a drink. And it will for you too.
That urge to drink will disappear, along with some other defects if you work the steps and keep in contact with your higher power and go to meetings. Welcome to AA
__________________
The smallest of good deeds is greater than the best of intentions.
Anonymous
Jasper...you are the only one you can fix and need help in doing that. Congradulations on the sober time and stay focus on the program...following the suggestions and not drinking and not doing your own thinking. Hold on to the hem of your HP's coat tails and don't let go. Keep coming back here also.
thank you for writing this. I, too, am having a hard time thru a divorce; a vendictive husband, lots of hurt, moving, losing my house. I had been sober for over a year; with the pain of it all, I gave in to an occasional pain killing substance of alcohol. I need to stop it now; nip it in the bud so to speak.
Jesus, even my rock bottom wasn't as low everyone else's seems to be. Just another excuse to call myself a loser.
But I'm glad I found my rock bottom before hurting anyone else... before hurting myself more. I thank God each day for allowing me to find my rock bottom so I could surrender myself to Him. I am beginning to like myself again, something I haven't done in years. There are still problems. I still fight off the urge to drink almost every day and realize that it might be a struggle for a lifetime.
Hey there Jasper, We have amazing insights about our selves after a surrender happens. Good for you, dont stop now there is more to come. In my opinion, our bottoms are all the same, they just look different. We see things in a material way, so we see are bottoms as living under a bridge, or in the pen married to chewy, or turning tricks down crack alley, or a plethora of other circumstances, cause its what we see, the material or physical. I have been told for years that getting sober and living that way is an inside job, so hitting bottom must be too. Our bottoms are all the same, its when we have had more pain then we ever had, and my spirit screams out MY GOD I CANT TAKE IT ANY MORE WHATS WRONG WITH ME, HELP ME, i'LL DO ANYTHING. Sounds like you been there. Our book says we know loneliness such as few do. Its not the end, its the entrance into a new life,,,Welcome. By taking the steps and making them a way of life, the urge to drink WILL disapear as long as you live our way of life. You wont have to struggle with the drink problem. You will how ever have to live life and struggle with life problems and probably find new and exiting ways to create pain in your life. But rest assured, you aint alone, and there is a solution for everything in our program, and other programs that go deeper into the causes and conditions of our dysfunctional human condition. Hope you stay, and add to our family of loving disfunctional sober drunks...
__________________
Since it cost a lot to win, and even more to loose, you and me gotta spend some time just wondering what to choose.
