I've been in the program for 18 months now. I had a brief relapse in July, I think, because I was white-knuckling it. Just like before I came to the rooms I like to be in control of everything. I want others to think I'm in control of everything. Deep down, however, I am terrified of almost everything. It doesn't matter. I'm afraid of losing my wife and children, of losing my career, of losing my extended family, everything. In July it all became too much for me and I ended up using again for about a week.
Anyway, I'm trying to move forward a bit, but I can't seem to get over this basic idea that my own problems are inconsequential when compared with others. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but it seems to kick in more like an instinct than anything. Before I know it I've made the comparison and I'm telling myself to get over it. This comparing myself to others extends to all aspects of my life. So on the one hand I won't share how I feel to a sponsor or at meetings because I feel like it's not worth mentioning and then on the other I get insanely jealous of others when anything good happens to them.
It's strange to get to know myself, to see how I respond in certain situations and to learn how flawed I am. I feel like I'm at a turning point where I need to let go and trust the program. It just doesn't seem possible at the moment. I really am afraid. That's all for now. Thanks for letting me share.
Welcome Herman, Glad you are here, this is a great place to share how you are feeling. Fear is something we all have to deal with, and it is common. What step are you working on with your sponsor?
Keep coming here, keep posting and sharing, whatever it is we are all in this together.
I sort of understand what you're saying, I didn't share much because I felt it a) wasn't worth mentioning or b) the other AA's would think what I said was stupid. In talking with other AA's indirectly about this I found out that some of them felt the same and some felt when others shared they feared that AA was taking their inventory. I realized that although it takes a group, the AA family, to maintain sobriety I'm there for ME. I'm the only one who can keep me sober. I now share WHATEVER is on my mind that I feel I need to give away if it could possibly cause a relapse. Or if I have a burning desire. It's not easy, still, but I grin and bare it. Sometimes afterwards I wonder if what I said was dumb or maybe no one cared, but I seem not to dwell on it quite so much anymore. Seems the more I share, the more I learn about me and what I need to maintain my sobriety....... Posting here helps me a lot, too. Sometimes I "bounce" things off this board first. I get awesome feedback in either direction and then I can take that share and really understand what I was feeling, or learned, or whatever the case may be...... If it's on your mind and you feel the need, it's worth mentioning.
Hope I helped some........ or maybe I was WAY off track
Hugs
Doll
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* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
Thank you, Doll and Gammyrose, for replying. It amazes me that I can share my feelings late on a Sunday night and have wonderful people respond so quickly. It does help!
I need to get involved. Gammyrose, you asked which step I'm working on. Well, I was working on four with my sponsor right before the relapse and I haven't really started again. Without getting into it too much, I also had a bad experience with that sponsor. I am in no way blaming him for my relapse, mind you. It just so happens that that whole thing was also going on around the same time. Anyway, I need to find a new sponsor. I have another temporary sponsor whom I call, etc. but I find it difficult to do stepwork with him. As I write this, I realize it's full of excuses. It's also clear that I need to find another sponsor soon.
Maybe I can ask you both, then: how do you choose a sponsor? I've made some poor decisions and I guess I'm a bit gunshy. The thing is, though, I want to make this work. It's VERY important to me.
I'm all over the place here, but I want to get things moving again.
I can relate to what you are saying. It took some time for me to open up at meetings. It seemed like my problems were nill compared to those that I was hearing.
Once I opened up there was no shutting me up.
THere are some real caring people here, give it a shot.
You wont be judged here.
Post Post Post!!!
Its like therapy for me.
Nancy Jo
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Life is full of ups and downs
But the faces of love will
ease the pain and suffering
from:My Mother
I think that low self-esteem is a key ingredient for most of us who turn to booze. It certainly is for me.
I you get a chance,and haven't done so, read "It's a great day for recovery, Sept. 17", posted by "wantneeda". It has some good advice on that topic.
As for a sponsor, I'm afraid that I couldn't help with advice on that. The only sponsor I had, was really good one, but, he got a job in another time zone, and had to move, so I only had him as a sponsor for about 3 months.
Good luck with your continued sobriety, and to echo what the others have said here, keep coming back!
Herman,Sponsor? well, you just talk to every male in the group you attend, you get to know them and pray for God to show you which one is the one for you. Look for one who has what you want, long time sobriety,is a must. I didn't realize when I picked my first sponsor that what I needed was someone with spitituality, but God did and He put her in my path.She was truly a Godsent.
If you don't get the right one the first time that's okay, just keep looking.There is a great pamplet on sponsorship, your group might have it in their literature rack.
I'm glad you are here. Keep posting and don't drink today.
