so here i am going to meetings working the steps talking to my sponsor twice or three times daily and yet still fears of tommorow financial insecurities .starting fourth step and overwhelmed by remorse realizing that i am a self centered êrson ,its why i never fully applied the program as soon as pain creeps in my resolve is to shut it off and run ,But i dont want to run anymore i have a great sponsor and i have you guys and gals however i alone cannot do it ,thanks to all although i dont write in much im always reading and it always helps
This is not an unusual way to feel upon embarking on a 4th step. You feel shocked and horrified by the person you have been. Just remember that all of us came to these realizatons too. Do you think any of us did the steps to find out we had been wonderful, giving, kind, and moral people...? Heck no. You sound like you are on the right track. Much of the first year of sobriety was just me putting up with this awful discomfort of who I had been, not knowing who I was exactly, who I wanted to be, not knowing what I even liked or what made me tick...
You are right it is painful, but I hope you look at it as growing pains. I promise you that it gets easier if you trudge forward. "Shutting it off and running" from the discomfort of growth is committing to never growing up, never being the person God intends you to be, and just being generally willful. It sounds like you know better this time. You have all your brothers and sisters in AA and your HP as you understand him to guide you through this.
Breathe deep. What feels like your problem right now is going to one day be the solution you share to newcomers. Just keep doing the work and let it unfold.
In support,
Mark
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Fear for me is very different than remorse. I identified with fear long before I did remorse. I came into recovery riding fear and didn't identify with remorse until I really came to understand the journey twix step 4 and step 9... I had no experience with shame or guilt until I could identify and accept what pain felt like for me and then what it felt like for my victims. When I accessed compassion I started to feel the full effect of remorse and the need to make amends as suggested by the program and my sponsors keeping it in front of me so that I didn't lapse back in apathy and self righteousness again. When I "got it" fear didn't hold me back from doing the 9th and 10th as soon as I could and remorse keeps it real.
Hi Attilio! Good to see ya! Back when I did my 4th step with my sponsor I had more fear of doing my 5th (even though I knew I needed to do my 4th without any thoughts of 5th)because I was full of shame and guilt.Because of my faith beliefs I knew I had been forgiven but I didnt know how I was going to spit it all out.Never even told the priest from my early days as a Catholic (altar boy,catholic school,high school etc) and was totally guilt ridden and felt my whole life was a lie.I was in denial for so long that it actually became real to me..When I really accepted my Higher Power as the guide to my life"that peace that surpasses all understanding" began to creep over me.It had to start with my "emotional acceptance"(utterdefeat) of my powerlessness and unmanageabilty in my admission and surrender,not only words,(I was on my belly ,a step down from my knees!!!) in our 1st step .In our 3rd "knowing my life was in the "care of" as I turned all of my "lives"(as a father/husband/brother/son/employee/parent/friend/etc and ensure all areas were guided by my Higher Power the fears were relieved,not removed,but strengthened by the knowledge and faith of God being by my side.For me it is really more about ensuring I am applying the spiritual principles in my actions and my life and just seeking our primary purpose"BE OF MAXIMUM SERVICE TO GOD,AND HELPING OTHERS.This helps keep me out of my own head( a dangerous spot if I linger too long)As far as remorse goes,I just know I have been forgiven by my Higher Power,God knows my heart, and I, by making as deep a commitment to doing to the best of my ability, a 9th step, remorse takes shape in how I am now living,not only it what I have physically said and done..I know all that I have that is good is from God and that God has all that is good for me. Searching and Fearless(4th),asking God in,get ready to FREE YOURSELF! Be excited and savor in the continued miracle of recovery a day at a time!!!
__________________
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
thanks i heard someone say not to dwell on what god as already forgave us .though one to go through but yeah with the help of my hp and my brothers and sister in aa i go forth on this journey i know for sure in my heart today that if i dont and just turn away it will always be unfinished business thanks for your support in gratitude ......Attilio
Working (taking) each step, in order, is ultimately the most liberating thing we will ever do and for most of us is the only way to put this horrible disease in remission and keep it there, as our sober selves enjoy the growth and change that not drinking and practicing these principles in all our affairs brings. Do your best to begin to let go of the fear, guilt, self-pity, same, and anger, and you will find you really won't get hurt in, or by, the process.
