A lot has changed for me in the last two weeks. The most profound change is my total surrender to God and his will. My wife left and refuses to speak to me at all aside from letting me know when she was coming to get her stuff. Then I finally was able to look at myself in the mirror and admit I was an alcoholic. It was simple really. Had I not surrendered my life to God and started attending AA meetings, I'd probably be drinking right now.
The hardest thing about pleasing God is dealing with my pride. My pride does not want me to be willing to work out my marriage with M... doesn't want her to have the upper hand. Pleasing God means that I must adhere to the vows that I took before Him and make every effort to reconcile with my wife for His Glory. God = 1, Pride = 0.
Yesterday morning, I wrote her an email expressing my regret over my actions and made it clear to her that I would not file for divorce... she'd have to. I wanted her to know that I wanted to work it out. It was brief and I did not discuss my spiritual awakening or my abuse of alcohol... just focused on the marriage.
Today she sent me a text saying that she appreciated my kindness but her mind was made up.. let's just count our losses and move on.
It's hard because in pleasing God, my desire to end our marriage and move on had changed... now I want to work on our marriage and make it what is should b. I said a prayer asking for God's Wisdom in my response, then responded. "We cannot just merely keep counting our losses. Somethings are worth fighting for. You're worth fighting for... always have been to me. I made a commitment to you and I intend on keeping it. Giving up and running away is easy... nothing worth having is easy".
Then I put my wedding ring back on because I'm still married.
Though she had not responded, I later spent a joyful hour with my Biblical counselor and an hour at AA, where I finally admitted that I was an alcoholic.
So, today should have been a bad day... but it wasn't. It was a great day. Another gift from God that I did not spoil with a drink.
remember we don't know what the future will bring, marriages further gone then yours have been restored in sobriety, as well as learning (in sobriety) that it wasn't a good fit anyway
"More will be revealed" is one of the most profound truths AA has to offer, strange and wondrous things happen when we turn our will and our lives over to the care of God and use the steps to align our will with God's will
Usually at this point (after admitting we are an alcoholic) it's a good idea to get a copy of the book, read it, and get a sponsor and work the steps
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
The chairperson from last night picked up a book for me and gave it to me after the meeting. How he knew I'd be back tonight or that I was ready to admit my alcoholism... I dunno. It was cool, though. Sponsor is next.
Aloha Jasper...it might well be that the information about your alcoholism should be brought out into the open. If it is not then it remains hidden and a non issue where it just might be "the" issue.
Remember that we live in the day and can only do a days work in the day. Remember also that the people we hurt must also be recognized, honored, loved and empathized with. Living in the disease without the anesthesia of alcohol results in a deep insanity because our partners go thru the chaos wide awake while we are anestithized. They feel all the pain and more. She might say she is done however leave the situation up to the God of your understanding and go after your compulsion, addiction and obession with alcohol. Alcohol doesn't care who you are, what you know, what church you go to, what you believe, who your wife is, what job you have...etc...it's about getting you drunk and owning your life and then ending it. Part of your life seems to have ended today...your marriage, some of your mental, physical and emotional health; however if you get in honestly and willingly and with commitment to your sobriety and work this spiritual program of recovery "you will be amazed before you are half way thru..." as the Big Book relates. That amazement has happened to so many of us and it is now your turn. Abandon yourself to God as you understand God, Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God Bless you and keep you - until then. (The big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous "A vision for you" page 164 :par.4)
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 1st of March 2011 11:47:01 PM
It sounds like you are on the right track, you admitted your problem with the drink and now you are ready to do something about it.
The first thing we need to do is focus getting us healthy. We need to get sober for us, not a wife or marriage.
The relationship may come back and might not, turn it over to God, let his will be done. We don't put a question mark where he puts a period. We can only do God's will if our own house is in order.
I know for myself and many other alcoholics, we really couldn't love another until we feel out of love with the drink, it was more important.
Keep going to meetings, get a sponsor, do the work, and your live will be better than you ever imagined.
Take care,
Rob
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
I believe God's will for me is to be happy joyous and free. I don't believe I have to "please" God, because I believe in a God that loves me no matter what. That was the idea that formed the crux of what made me want to opt in for this life, that God could love me no matter what I do. It's how I love my chidren, how can it not be ?
Jamie
-- Edited by Jamie D on Tuesday 1st of March 2011 11:56:10 PM
With M not at a stage where she wants to talk about anything with me, I'm not going to force myself on her. Either she will eventually want to talk or she'll file for divorce and there's nothing I can do at the point to change that. I'll give her all the space she needs to make her decision and I'll trust God that that decision will be the best outcome for me. I just need to stay out of His way.
I did ask her last week if my drinking had been a factor in her unhappiness. She said no. I don't think it can be so neatly answered though.
Either way, today is another gift from God and I will enjoy it to it's fullest.
Mate I'm in exactly the same boat. I've only just started getting a civil word out of mine and that is only via email but y'know what? I don't care. The break-up of the marriage was the catalyst for me to get help for my disease so it's all good. I got help, came to understand that there is a loving God there that wants to help me and I found a new and better me that I never thought existed.
If my marriage is meant to be then things will happen and if it is not meant to be then it's best that I can cut my losses and get on with my new life. Either way things are good and I wouldn't trade my life right now for a million happy marriages.
Every time I start to think otherwise I just remind myself of the serenity prayer and I realise I'm doing things the right way.
Frodo, I wouldn't trade the peace of mind and joy in my heart for anything. I feel better now than I did years ago, before I was drinking on a regular basis.
Good for you! Sounds like you're on the right path and right where you need to be right now. I'm happy for you that you are experiencing some inner peace and serenity at accepting the things you cannot change. Your marriage may or may not work out, and whatever happens is supposed to happen. It is not in our hands. I like what Melody Beattie says in The Language of Letting Go, "We will know what we need to know, when it is the right time to know it." Either way this works out, you are beginning a journey of self discovery and working towards becoming the person God intended you to be. Peace!
