I was sitting on the computer and listening to the radio earlier tonight when I suddenly put my shoes on, grabbed my wallet and walked out the door fully intending to go to the pub and have a couple of beers. Just a couple.
It was just starting to rain so as I was walking out my mum called out to me and offered me a lift to the shop (assuming that was where I was going) and I snapped back to reality and made some excuse about the weather and I could wait until morning, so back inside I went.
There was no plan to do it and no craving. I felt like I was in a daze and somebody else was controlling me. I don't want to drink and undo all the bloody hard work I have done but it felt like it was out of my control.
Anyway I'm OK now and have talked it over with someone but it is scary how powerful a hold it has over me.
I'm going to ask my HP for some more help but I get the feeling I have already received some - but for the rain starting I don't think mum would have offered the lift and I wouldn't have stopped myself.
That kind of thinq happened to me quite a bit in the first year. I would qo to the qrocery store and find myself standinq in front of the beer cooler in a daze. It's the part of our brain that deals with automatic behavior. We're so in habit of doinq hundreds of daily tasks, and procurement and the drinkinq of booze is just another one of them. The more we say no, and stop ourselves, the easier and rarer it qets, that we do these thinqs.
My sponsor would say that too, Dean, the brain THINKS, it stores and processes information. That's its job. It THINKS it's doing us a favor by reminding us of things, especially our repetitive habits. And the more we say, "thanks, but no thanks," the memory will begin to fade away. The goal is to fill our time with something else and form a new habit.
-- Edited by gladlee on Sunday 27th of February 2011 11:49:42 AM
It took me a while to break the automatic habit to go to the wine and beer isle in the store. It slowly turned into automatically going to the coffee station.
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Been there, done that. Kind of like an autopilot. Scary. But also an example of why we are alcoholics and not just heavy drinkers.
It was kind of my own version of the BB Chapter "More About Alcoholism." Even after everything I'd been taught, all thinking was of no use in those autopilot moments. I had a relapse as a result once -- fortunately, that really kicked my butt about accepting my own powerlessness over alcohol and unmanageability of life and got to a jump start the program to get and stay sober.
I really learned from Dr. Harry Tiebout and his information regarding the conscious and subconscious levels of our addiction. When I learned that my subconscious mind would continue to present drinking as a normal okay thing to do I had to insert "no okay...dangerous even fatal...mind, mood altering...etc" into the aware- ness process. I have found my self wandering the liquor isles of my local stores a few times and never bought. It has concerned my wife a few times and I never bought. I rememered stuff and even why my brand is not available as it use to be when I was drinking and my conscious mind always revives a former sponsors response to that question when I dealt with the process of "haunting" the liquor section almost without thinking. "What are you going to do with the information?" he would ask. Same as I do if it were to occur today...I would not buy. A close call isn't a bulls eye.
This is a great reminder how close we all are to slipping. One night I left a midnight AA meetings on a Friday night and not ready to be home yet drove out of my way on the way home, without thinking, to a bar I used to frequent. I've pulled into a parking space and stared at the door of the establishment before snapping to. WTH??? I just came from AA! I just shared how alcohol was toxic for me and how much better my life is without it, and STILL I had an automatic, without thinking experience like you had. It was disturbing.
The important thing is we didn't relapse. We didn't drink. But my subconscious brain did think it was the thing to do, and I suppose this happened to alert me of what this disease can do. A reminder of our powerlessness. These reminders are good because it lets us know that we will never be "out of the woods." There is no cure for alcoholism. We need to continue to work our program and be in the middle of the boat. We do not have to fear our brains, only recognize what is happening when the disease tries to take over. If we are doing the suggested steps, and working an honest program, our Higher Power will step in and do for us what we could not do for ourselves. Thank God! Heather
