When drinking, I found that the first time I did something unwholesome, something dubious, something that deep down I knew I shouldn't be doing, it was the hardest thing to do. But do it once and it's easier to do the next time.
Now in sobriety, when I am tempted to do something unwholesome, something dubious, something that deep down I know I shouldn't be doing, it was the hardest thing in the world to resist. But the next time that feeling came, the resistance against it was easier to achieve.
Similarly when faced in sobriety with choices to make, crises to face, leaps of faith to take, changes to make, the first time it's so difficult and damn scarey. But do it once, find that you're worst fears are never realised and it's easier to do the right thing next time.
My personal life is in turmoil at the moment. I don't know if the threads of my long separation can be brought together again or if it would be better to wind it down. I don't know what I want but I do know I need help. Tomorrow, for the first time ever, I'm going for joint relationship counselling. I'll try to keep an open mind and an honest tongue. I'll try to match my actions to my intentions.
I've changed the boundaries between me and Eileen with regard communications, visitation, finance, privacy. She hasn't liked them.
No I'm not always going to be available when the phone rings. Sometimes I'll have things I want to do and you just have to wait.
No, you cannot just drop in whenever you want. Ask and I might say yes or I might say no.
No, you don't have the right to know what I'm doing, when I'm doing it and with whom I'm doing it.
No, you cannot expect an answer to your questions, especially if it involves a breach of the yellow card.
No, you don't have the right to control or manage me even if you don't realise that this is what you are doing.
No, I don't have to rescue you, make your decisions for you, bail you out financially, emotionally or any other way that you have come to expect.
But Yes, I will treat you with respect, no matter how you treat me. I will listen to your concerns regards our relationship.
All firsts, all firsts.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
You made a list of boundaries and things you don't want to budge on. She is going to want to hear what you are willing to compromise and work together on. Just a thought. I like your list...but I think your wife is going to cry and feel crappy if she hears that.
The most common problematic relationship dynamic between heterosexual couples: Wife wants attention, nags, is intrusive, wants feelings validated, becomes more nagging and ramps up the emotions when ignored. Husband just wants peace, to be left alone sometimes, to not have to talk about everything, husband stonewalls and becomes more aloof and listens less as wife becomes more frantic and emotional.
Solution: Husband agrees to spend more time doing things wife likes. Husband spend just a bit more time listening and saying sweet stuff. Wife feels cared about and listened to. She gives space and both parties are happy.
Yay! I solved your marital problems in a few sentences.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Very very good firsts Bill...I just couldn't even think this way until I could not not think and then act it out. How strange a way to say yes I do love you and I don't need you. Comes from a different planet me thinks. Good Success to you and I hope she sees the picture. Sounds like she has value and place in your life or this would not have been happening at all. Blessings.
