Been separated over 5 years now, been sober over 4 years. Got a glimpse of how life could be and it rocked me to my boots.
Realised we (Eileen and I) have been 'idling in a regressive groove' for so long we are growing apart. How can it be that I love her so much but I'm currently not wanting to wait any longer for us to come back together. Maybe we need to do something different?
Well we'll have a go at relationship counselling to see if we can figure out a solution that's the best fit for us both - AA won't fix a broken leg, so why should it fix a broken marriage? - sometimes I need outside help. (Big step this, us brits don't go in for counselling lightly.)
It's accurate to say that Pride, Anger, Greed, Gluttony, Lust, Envy and Sloth brought me to my knees and ultimately gave me the desparation to try AA.
Good old Higher Power didn't take all these character defects away on a permanent basis, in fact he gives them back to me on a regular basis, just to give me the practice in dealing with them.
So the current gift of desparation came about through Pride - wouldn't admit how lonely and needy I am, plus succumbed to flattery, Anger - why should I not have a promise of a future? - Greed - hell, I want more attention paid to me, Lust - 'nuff said, Envy - my missus has the relationship with the kids that I don't, Sloth - just let the situation roll along, let others take my decisions for me. (Weight Watchers took care of the Gluttony though.)
What kept me here? Pride - too afraid to open my mouth and ask for help, Anger - angry with myself for being a selfish fool, Envy - others have a family life, why not me?
Where am I now? Asking for help, keeping the lust under control, taking some sort of action, making amends to those I have hurt, respecting myself, trying to do the next right thing, missing the thrill of the other woman (that relationship has changed and we'll both grow from it.) Leaning on my sponsor (other woman also leaning on her sponsor - we were both sick at the same time, both needy, both vulnerable)
Might not be a quick fix, need to take time and be open and honest.
One good thing though? Two Sunday's ago, 5 a.m. sitting on the edge of the bed feeling so much pain that the thought came to mind............I wonder if the 24 hour bottle shop is still open??????????? just enough thinking time to laugh at myself and remember that no matter how much pain I'm in, no matter how bad the situation is.........a bottle will only make it worse.............serenity prayer, cup of tea, smoke, reading, keep moving forward..............Nope, didn't drink on it.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Hi BB, Glad you made it back. It does sound like you have a grip on things.(pun) At 10 month's sober my woman left. It was an amazing four years of growth and self discovery, along with a few hooker's ( with my sponsors blessing). I also did experience some of my darkest times. I believe it was all in "plan" Job or no job Wife or no wife, etc. I had to stay sober for my own broken ass. So far that still holds true. I am not an A. A. "Poster Child". But through it all I learned of Grace. Proud for you. Wayne
Welcome back Bill! Even after decades of zero libation,there are times when a fleeting thought(I call it the insidious illness) will say "what do ya think Mike?" By God's grace I can immediately say "not today".....I also never went to counsellling when my 1st marriage went amuck"who me,need help,no way!!! Ahhh with a little bit of time,some ,lets say lots of lucid time,I know would scream out loud if I need ya!!Good seeing you........
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
You are an inspiration Bill. I like how you share exactly how you apply the program to your life. Into action for sure. I think your wife is lucky (and I'm not saying that in a fruity way that would threaten your masculinity lol).
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Oh Mark, you're such a flatterer - and I respond too well to a bit of flattery. It might come across as how I put the programme into effect in daily life...I guess the truth is sometimes I take my will and my life back, HP let's me screw it up.....then I get to re-engage with the programme, apply the lessons learnt, learn new ones and put the spade work in remembering that the final outcome has somewhere between little and shag all to do wi' me.......but if I'm going to build a bridge to normal living, it's me that has to get the tools out and lay the bricks, God will decide what the bridge looks like, how much maintenance it needs, what it crosses, where it goes and maybe even if I need to knock it down and start again.
I don't think my wife is lucky at all, she get's what she's given. Maybe she'll get what she deserves one day, but she has to stop beating up on herself and trust herself and her own capabilities - but that's her inventory and it's not really mine to take.
Me, i've learnt that I am weak, needy and can be vulnerable. I've learnt to examine my motives, I've learnt that PAGGLES plays a part in my behaviour but I've also learnt that I can forgive myself for and learn from my past, both distant and recent and I don't need anyone's permission for that. I can and I will walk this road with my head up and look myself and every body else in the eye. Because I'm no better nor worse than any other man or woman.
I've had all that I wanted of a lot of things I've had and a lot more than I needed of some things that turned out bad - so goes the song, wanted man -but all those things have got me to TODAY.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Bill, Thanks for sharing this with us. I'm currently going through a similiar event with my wife. We are still together but something is missing. I recognized a few things on my side of the street that I'm working on. I'm sure there's things on her side also, but today I know I'm powerless over changing them. That will have to be done by her. We are starting counseling soon. In the meantime; I continue to work on me and The Program and let go of the results and give them to God- where they should be. Sometimes easier said than done.
"One good thing though? Two Sunday's ago, 5 a.m. sitting on the edge of the bed feeling so much pain that the thought came to mind............I wonder if the 24 hour bottle shop is still open??????????? just enough thinking time to laugh at myself and remember that no matter how much pain I'm in, no matter how bad the situation is.........a bottle will only make it worse.............serenity prayer, cup of tea, smoke, reading, keep moving forward..............Nope, didn't drink on it."
And that paragraph, right there, has helped contributed to keeping Steve sober another day, cause my own life is a few light years from perfection and is going to be that way 'til they close the lid. Thank you sir.
Sounds like you're using the tools, and using them well.
Hey Bill maybe some research on the word and behavior of love might be good for you about now...just some extra stuff and polish to what you have already stored up inside. You got a lot of pretty good stuff maybe shifting it a smidgin to either side or up or down will create some magic. Welcome back.
ordered There's more to quitting drinking than quitting drinking - awaiting delivery. Booked first joint session with counsellor - Friday 25th - oh boy. Got a written list of what I like about Eileen and what I see as the road blocks. trying not to set ultimatums prepared to negotiate
Had an awful evening yesterday - Eileen came round but we were like glass figurines, no warmth, no contact, walking round each other. Tried to talk through an issue, but we both got defensive and couldn't tell each other the truth as it needs to be told - it was too dangerous. She left in a welter of smoking tyres and screaming engine - no contact until this morning when I text her and say i've booked a counsellor - it's all pretty fragile.
Maybe with the aid of a third party, on neutral ground, we can get honest.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
