I drank a whole load of beer and whiskey on Thursday after being sober for a few years. (see my previous post)
I've been in touch with my sponsor and another AA who have both been very supportive, and the advice was that I should get back to a meeting as soon as possible. Yesterday I still felt very raw; but when I woke up this morning I decided to get to a meeting tonight.
I felt panicky the whole time at the meeting - it was a panic attack that made me drink again. I kept wanting to leave, then somehow managing to control my breathing and weird thoughts I stayed to the end. It was a large meeting and the 3rd birthday of the guy who shared.
I felt resentful also.. I just didn't want to be there. And when I got home I just felt empty inside, not wanting a drink but wanting to feel different somehow.
Hi, I learned along the way that bottom's do not feel good. Motivation so as not to repeat them. Recovery is a process. Not necessarily designed to always make us feel good. A process to learn how to stop doing thing's to ourselves that cause so much hurt. I am sorry for your hurt. Wayne
I always want to feel different when I feel like s**t. Perfectly normal.
Each day I stay sober I do feel "different". I feel better!
Not always great, and sometimes pretty bad.....BUT.....never, ever as bad as I felt drinking & drugging. Never.
I don't worry if I killed someone in a blackout, I don't puke all over my self, I don't pass out on the front lawn, I don't flip the bird to my daughter's teacher, I don't steal and deal with the humiliation of getting busted...shall I go on?
Each day a new beginning. I try to acknowledge that immediately upon awaking, and thank God for my new day, my new beginning.
I understand your pain and resentment. As many on MIP know, I relapsed three weeks before my 18 year sober birthday. Unlike you, I stayed away for 2 years trying to find some other way to get sober again without facing the humiliation of returning to A.A. Ultimately, it didn't work, and I had no choice but to continue drinking or return to A.A.
It was not at all easy sitting through those first A.A. meetings after my return; indeed, even after over a year sober again, it was my despair even after attending daily meetings and working through the 12 steps with my sponsor that caused me one day to search and find this board.
It took a good 18 months before I began to feel things turn around emotionally. Still today, over 4 years sober again, I have brief moments where my head attacks me and tells me I "failed" by relapsing after such a long time sober. What I've had to do is use some very simple tools to deal with these now only occasional thoughts: I usually simply tell my own head to "Shut up," and then I call someone, or go to a meeting, or read A.A. literature, or do something productive. And, you know what? The feeling and thought always passes.
It may be little consolation right now, but what I've come to believe and understand is that my relapse was a big wake up call for me about not becoming complacent after ANY amount of continuous sobriety time. It also gave me a degree of humility that I never had before, and gave me a level of compassion for others who are hurting that is deeper and more profound.
I will not tell you to not feel what you are feeling; that would be both hypocritical of me and also not helpful to you. What I can suggest from my own experience is to re-double your efforts at using the tools of A.A. For me, I found that I had to work much harder in those first several months back than I ever did in those 18 years before. And, I'm not just talking 12 step work; I'm talking the "work" required to sit through the meetings when incredibly miserable; call people even when I thought they wouldn't understand; allow myself to cry, scream, and be frustrated even when my head told me I didn't have the right to feel what I was feeling.
Please know: there is hope, and it does get better, one day at a time.
Hello Puzzled, welcome to the board (I missed your other thread). Alcohol (and other drugs, cigarettes...) are very good at relieving stress. So good that our bodies lose their natural abilities to relieve stress, causing the dependency on alcohol. At the same time, our tolerance to stress decreases leaving us a sensitive mess. Now take away the alcohol and of course we are going to panic, and it's going to take some time (continuous sobriety) to turn this around. We didn't get to this point over night. We all go through it, an if we stay sober for awhile (6 months- a year) this fear will leave us. Hang in there, it gets progressively better, set your sights on 90 days, that's the toughest part.
Hey Puzzled, you have to remember that when you take that first drink, its like a time warp right back to the last time you drank. Its natural to hit a rough spot on your way back to a sober life. Re examine the steps and jump back into sobriety. Check back with us, and I am sure clarity will come with time. You have a couple years of sobriety to fall back on. We have all fallen off the wagon. The program understands that. That is why we fight this through our HP on a daily basis. Welcome back! Tom
__________________
"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Welcome back puzzled... It is good to see you're alive and well.
I was a revolving door member of AA for many years, not staying around long enough to experience any lasting sobriety.
There have been times in my life when I experienced extreme levels of emotional turmoil, which made recovery programs like AA a nuisance to be around -unfortunately. These anxious moments combined with the prospect of being powerlessness over anything - especially alcohol- bore a heavy burden on my soul -and my recovery. I never did experience any lasting joy -in sobriety- until I let go absolutely.
The beginning of my journey -into sobriety- was a tumultuous one at best. There were all these uneasy feelings deep down inside, which did more to confuse the situation then solve it. My first sponsor was -to me- a great inspirer and taught me many things -before his untimely death- including this one mind altering principle about emotional sobriety that changed my outlook on life forever, and that is this:
"The pains of drinking had to come before sobriety and emotional turmoil before serenity. How true...........To this day I can't thank him enough.
Find a group that helps you maintain a comfort level and keep plugging along. Remember...you're worth it.
~God Bless~
To thine own self be true
-- Edited by Mr_David on Sunday 13th of February 2011 12:52:41 AM
-- Edited by Mr_David on Sunday 13th of February 2011 12:54:31 AM
-- Edited by Mr_David on Sunday 13th of February 2011 12:54:50 AM
Aloha Puzzled...page 449 of my third edition Big Book has Dr. Paul's message on acceptance on it. That has always been a very very big foundation rock in my recovery. It start out, "And acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some face of m life- unacceptable to me and I can find no serenity unitl I accept that person, place thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment." Read on.
Thanks everyone for replying and sharing your wisdom.
I feel much better today - I slept well last night and am eating normally again.
Today I managed to walk 3 miles there and back to see my sponsor for an hour (panic attacks, and being afraid of being outside and invoking them, have been problematic for me recently). It felt good and productive - she's given me many areas to work on; and I take on board what has been said about acceptance and the need for me to work on my anxiety and practise meditation.
So, I'm going to another meeting tonight, making myself just 'show up.'
-- Edited by puzzled on Sunday 13th of February 2011 11:07:43 AM
Hello Puzzled, welcome to the board (I missed your other thread). Alcohol (and other drugs, cigarettes...) are very good at relieving stress. So good that our bodies lose their natural abilities to relieve stress, causing the dependency on alcohol. At the same time, our tolerance to stress decreases leaving us a sensitive mess. Now take away the alcohol and of course we are going to panic, and it's going to take some time (continuous sobriety) to turn this around. We didn't get to this point over night. We all go through it, an if we stay sober for awhile (6 months- a year) this fear will leave us. Hang in there, it gets progressively better, set your sights on 90 days, that's the toughest part.
Hey Puzzled, You are doing a wonderful thing that could bring great joy into your life and it ripples out into the lives of those around you. Outpatient Treatment helped me learn what to expect physically and emotionally. AA helped me face those challenges spiritually and with the fellowship of other alkies; once who had swam these waters before me and made it across.
You, my friend, ARE your brain. Think about that for a minuite. I'll wait.
You have been short-circuiting, hot-wiring and super-charging that 6lbs of grey jello since you began drinking alcoholically. That organ regulates your...everything. You have decided to change the chemistry of that organ (for the better, my Friend, for the better) and that organ is going to react. Unlike say...your colon...this particular organ manufactures ALL of your thoughts, feelings, fears, joys and even your sense of "self".
Your brain...YOU...will take some time to adjust, to balance, to heal.
We've all been there, some more recently than others, but we've all been there. I've swung from depressed to anxious to overjoyed to enraged and more. Now, thanks to a physician that I'm honest with and The AA Program, I'm doing alright...today.
Bill recovered alcoholic, that alone goes against every fiber of my being. In my natural state I drink I have no choice. Why because I am a real alcoholic. The one who is puzzling you? I was puzzling myself.lol thank god for a 12 step program. First 8 took a week to do .the rest well still on them and will be.as long as I. Don't pick it up. Knowing that does not produce the power needed to not too. This is my 3rd time in the program. And I serve god why because that is what I was shown and told to do. And as a result. I have recovered. No effort on my part. That's the maricle of it all.and a whole knew set of convictions dominate.I continue to expose my thinking and feelings . Why because that's what I was shown and told what to do. Its simple but a price had to be paid.thank god for a 12 step program of recovery.
