I noticed the other day, that for the year I have been in AA... I have wanted to be a good student, wanted God's will, wanted to understand humility... but I have been kicking and screaming this whole time. This week, I wondered if my ongoing resentment with God is a practice of real trust on my part. If I truly trusted, wouldn't I feel more relaxed? Is that what will eventually happen? No fear? No fear of financial insecurity?Really?!!
My sponsor told me to pray, asking for help with trust. I get the same message over and over from HP, "Fear not. Fear not. Fear not." But whenever an unexpected bill arrives, my brain will immediately start thinking, "I'm going to end up eating worms!!!"
When I take a hard look, things always worked out. Always. I've always had a roof over my head, always had food on my table, always had a car, I'm paying my bills and making ends meet. I've decided that HP may never again give me more than I need. I am an alcoholic, I don't know if I can be trusted with "more"...?
It came as quite a shock today when my ex-husband sent me a portion of a bonus check he had received from work.... an unbelievable windfall which brings me great relief and completely resolves some upcoming financial issues. (He also sent a list of "his" sales people complete with a brief biography of each, requesting that I pray for all of "his" good people who have made this possible for me. My sponsor said, "what a guilt trip!!" But, that's him.)
Tonight I am grateful to my HP from where all Good things come. Thank you God!!
I am grateful for AA..... because I know my husband would never have done this if God had not changed me through this program. Sometimes it doesn't feel like I've changed much. Then I think of the day I made amends to him... first he told me I was not an alcoholic. Then he cried, asking me to forgive him as well... it was another sacred moment in AA. It never would have happened otherwise. Never.
I haven't made as many meetings lately, I have not been well in recent weeks. My sponsor tells me God has me down for a reason. I accept that. I don't want to fight anymore. I feel good tonight, I feel safe. Although, I'm also feeling a little ashamed that something wonderful had to happen to make me feel this way.... ?
Thanks for reading this rambling share. I'm missing the tables but grateful for MIP.
When I get in a funk I always remember"IF GOD IS FOR US,WHO CAN BE AGAINST US!! YOU ARE GRATEFUL,THANKFUL AND EVERY NEW DAY OF LIFE FOR US IS SOMETHING WONDERFUL!!That is a working part of our program,commitment,we continue to move forward even when it doesn't look like anything is changing!!Thanks for getting my day off with an inciteful message!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Thank you for sharing openly & honestly. God doing for us what we're unable to do for ourselves. I love to read these God moments. It's necessary to build my faith and trust in God. Being a selfish, self centered individual run by fear- I need to be continuously reminded that this is God's show not Mikes. It leaves me in much less danger of Fear, Excitement, Self Pity & Anger. Knowing these are more the successes of God than of Mike. Mike wouldn't be where he is today without God.
The title trust reminds me of a share I have on a CD. The speaker is Adam. He goes on to say: do you have faith? do you have trust? He then uses an example of a high wire act where a person gets in a wheel barrow and gets pushed accross the wire to the other side. Faith would be- yah, that guy will probably make it. Trust is- now you go get in the wheel barrow. This made sense to me. We can have faith (a belief) but the next step is Trust (complete abandon).
I've always figured I'd end up eating worms some day, being entirely too familiar with poverty and massive bills tethered to vicious, fearsome, collections people. My recovery program has taught me that if I am sure I'll be eating worms, I may as well learn how to do it right.
Here is my recipe for Crusty Worm Crumble
1 cup each of fat nightcrawlers & those tiny little skinny things. Stir-fry in butter until crispy. Brush with a glaze of pure maple syrup and raspberry jam. Run under the broiler until the glaze caramelizes. Cut into a crumble. Pour the crumble into a pre-cooked pie shell and top with thinly shaved dark chocolate mixed with rice krispies. As the chocolate melts, top with real whipped cream and enjoy, writing a gratitude list between bites.
leeu, will you be in Saint Louis the first wednesday in April, I need a speaker for the women's meeting, I'm sure everyone will love your recipe, LOL!! Sooo funny, thank (((you))) I get it.
I had a good day although I had some thoughts about reckless spending. My sponsor used that dreaded recovery word again, "Wait." gawd!!! Jerry had me thinking I deserve a Hawaiian vacation! hahaha
My gratitude to (((all))) for your thoughts, every word is a blessing. I'm so grateful to be part of such a caring, loving, and lighthearted group! I'll keep coming back.
