That big ol' black dog is following me around.

Frodo · MIP Old Timer

That big ol' black dog is following me around.

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Check to see that you remember your sponsors phone number front to back and back
to front and can dial it in the dark. Make sure that you are securely handcuffed to
your higher sponsor and that you still desire to go everywhere your HP suggests.
Literature...BigBook, as Bill sees it, 12X12, Daily Reflections...use the index of the
daily to look up the thoughts and emotions you woke up with and of course prayer.
Work the simple prayers...don't get creative or longwinded because you HP already
knows what condition you are in mind, body, spirit and emotions. Knowing that,
all times "help me" becomes the best prayer I could say.   Appreciate the time you
have put together and affirm yourself for it. You have accomplished "first steps".
At your next meeting talk with your sponsor or an elder before the meeting and a
new comer after. Tell the newbie what you just learned and then close your day with
gratitude that you feel not in your head but a foot below that.

I've heard truthfully (at least for a short time) that depression is anger turned inward.
I don't know any one alcoholic that can afford to join the crowd of people we have
turned against us. I also know that alcohol is a chemical depressant. Inventory
that the depression isn't similar to the chemical depression and that it isn't the booze
trying to call you back and then inventory your resentments and see if you are on the
list along with those other people.  Check your memory and see if you know all the
steps by rote and the serenity prayer and then go back to the top again.

You're alcohol free close to 90 days. That's a winner. Stand by and help us get and
stay sober together.   smile

Frodo · MIP Old Timer

Jerry F wrote:

...inventory your resentments and see if you are on the
list along with those other people.

Ahhh... I think that I am right at the top of that list. I really hurt the ones that I loved and I know my wife is struggling with the mess I left her with which means I am still hurting her right now.

I know I am s'posed to forgive myself but I just can't right now, not until she forgives me and that might be a cold day in hell before I get that. I thought that I was so right when I was drunk and I fought with her over everything until I drove her away but now I can see she was just begging me to become the man she married and that is hard to deal with. Then you add in these mood swings with everything being amplified by a factor of ten and I can't cope. I either feel like I can conquer the world or I feel like the world is conquering me with no middle ground. I feel like I am going insane sometimes.

I don't feel like drinking or hurting myself I just feel... wrong, I guess. Unbalanced in a way I have never felt before. I know it will pass eventially, and that helps, but not being able to trust my emotions until it does is a new and scary feeling for me.

I'll do what you suggested. I have been reading the books and going to meetings but looking at it my contact with the HP hasn't been sincere, maybe because I've been asking for wants rather than needs.

Thanks and I'll let you know how I'm going.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

"Don't think, and Don't drink". Your mind is not your friend. Our biggest problem is that, for all these years, we've been listening to our brain spewing / regurgitating all kind of junk that we've been storing up there for decades. Once you decide not to listen, the brains influence on you will wane. It goes quicker if you just tell yourself to STFU. That's what I do. lol Being in the now, means constantly paying attention to everything that is going on around you, and not being up inside of your head thinking about yourself. "The power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle is an excellent book that describes this process. I listened to it on cd and it was amazing. I found this page written by someone who explains the benefits that he got from reading and practicing the principals in ET's book. http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2006/05/the-power-of-now/.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Just hang in there and find as much support as you can in your fellowship. Stay busy. I got sober on the heals of a break up of a 7 year relationship and it did knock me into a depressive episode. You will probaly start pulling through this in the next couple of weeks. Mood will become a bit more stable in the next few month. I think in between 6 and 9 months, I started to feel much more settled. That was my experience. Stay the course Frodo!

Mark

leeu · MIP Old Timer

I was drowning in early sobriety and suffering a concurrent major depression, untreated. It was suggested I make a gratitude list. I had no gratitude for anything and insisted it would not help. A tough old bird in AA took me to VA hospital, told me to keep my mouth shut, walked me through a unit with people with amputated limbs and paralysis, walked me back outside, took out a paper and pen, put the pen in my hand, and said write down how many fingers you have that work. Tomorrow write down ten more body parts that you would not willingly give up. The next day....you get the picture. PS-it works. Every time.

LinBaba · MIP Old Timer

Have you tried getting a sponsor and working the steps and helping newcomers?

It's a design for living that really works for alcoholics that want to quit drinking without going insane, homicidal, suicidal or clinically depressed

beats the alternative

bikerbill · MIP Old Timer

Frodo wrote:

Jerry F wrote:

...inventory your resentments and see if you are on the
list along with those other people.

Ahhh... I think that I am right at the top of that list. I really hurt the ones that I loved and I know my wife is struggling with the mess I left her with which means I am still hurting her right now.
This is just where I am now, or still. Got there with the help of my sponsor yesterday.

I know I am s'posed to forgive myself but I just can't right now, not until she forgives me and that might be a cold day in hell before I get that.

That again is how I felt (and still feel sometimes.) A bit of self martyrdom at play here? Please forgive me or I'll never be able to forgive myself, move on with my life and look y'bitch, there I am drinking and it's all your fault!!!!!!!!!!! (well.......that's how it was explained to me.)

I feel like I am going insane sometimes.

Going insane or returning to the insanity???????

I don't feel like drinking or hurting myself (YET)I just feel... wrong, I guess. Unbalanced in a way I have never felt before. I know it will pass eventially, and that helps, but not being able to trust my emotions until it does is a new and scary feeling for me.
Ain't that just the f*ck*n kicker?A new and scary feeling that you are FEELING instead of submerging in drink. Hurts like hell don't it? Welcome to living life on lifes terms. You know that this too shall pass and the screaming, kicking rawness of the feelings will become right sized - if you work on yourself with the aid of the 12 steps and a sponsor. Wanna borrow mine? I could right now cheerfully hack the long haired git to bits and post him to you, but then I wouldn't have the old bugger!
(and I need the old bugger, even if he has a funny accent, looks like Iggy Pop's grandad and is so skilled at ripping me a new one, driving right down to the root causes and helping me look at myself)

I'll do what you suggested. I have been reading the books and going to meetings but looking at it my contact with the HP hasn't been sincere, maybe because I've been asking for wants rather than needs.
Thanks and I'll let you know how I'm going.

Sponsor, Steps, Home Group, Step Group, Service.

Clean House
Trust God
Help Others.

It's that simple. It works for me. It can work for you too.

Frodo · MIP Old Timer

Thanks all.

Back from a meeting and between the advice there and here I feel better. Well, I still feel like crap but it's crap I can deal with. I've decided (as suggested here) that it is no longer mood swings rather it is real life and me properly grieving for my marriage.

That's OK too because it is just a normal part life that I will have to learn to deal with, so deal with it I will. I will have good days and I will have bad days but they will be all mine and they will always be better than my drunk days.

Something I was told tonight:

First it will get better

Then it will get worse

Then it will get real

Then it will get interesting

Then it will get really interesting

I guess I'm moving from worse to real so it's all progress and I'm right where I should be.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

And Frodo...

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Yep, ... I know he was struggling ...

Frodo · MIP Old Timer

Not drowning - just waving.

I'm still here. Not perfect, but not bad either.

I appreciate the care and concern. I really do. It really means a lot, knowing that even if I'm a crackpot you'll still want the best for me. That's the beauty of this program: we love the broken ones as much as we love anyone else - and probably more because we've all walked in those shoes.