Tonight at dinner my wife & I plan on telling the kids about our upcoming separation. We are currently mediating our divorce. My kids are 14 & 12. It's been a long process but God has revealed over the past year and a half that this is the right path for me.
To the best of my ability; I've turned tonights talk over to the care of God for direction and the results. To say I'm not a little anxious??- I'd be lying. So; I'm here to say I'm a little anxious. I'm o.k. with those feelings today. I'm human. I don't need to react to those emotions today. Just recognize them for what they are and move on. I care about my kids a great deal I believe they'll have a much better relationship with their Dad; if Dad continues to learn and grow. Part of that learning and growing is taking care of ourselve and removing things that aren't working in Dad's life. We lead by example right? No need to teach them to stay in a unhealthy relationship.
But for the Grace of God and the Power of AA- My kids are a big part of my life today and they love their Dad. Our relationship has never been better.
I've worked with my Sponsor and others on how to present the info. and the rest is in the Big Guys hands.
Just thought I would share with my friends here at MIP. Sorta divey up the laundry so I don't have to carry it all.
If anyone has been through this before; I would appreciate hearing your E, S & Hope.
Hi, I went through a divorce 1 year clean and sober. It needed to happen and I did not contest it. When the booze and dope were removed I got worse. For my wife's and children's safety this divorce needed to be. By the grace of God and A.A. and Al-Anon, 4 years later we were remarried. The greatest gift the children received during this traumatic time was , Dad did not bad mouth Mom, and Mom did not bad mouth Dad. The children's hearts was not Mom and Dad"s Battle ground. They were not required to choose. Prayers to you and those you Love. Wayne
Hey Mike! A trying situation ,but life will go on.I have been married 3 times and my 12/13 (78/79?year old children then went off to Texas with their mom and new husband.They lived thru 12 of my 25 years of active addiction and I was oblivious to a lot of things.When I found out my 1st wife wanted the kids names changed because it was more practical for them with schools,and other things.I vehemently refused that.Courts proceeded and their names were changed.I was crushed even in oblivion.The reason I run this trip on you is because for all the years of guilt that I carried about the kind of father ,husband,etc I was was eating me alive.3 years ago I was able to fly to Texas with my 24 year old son from my 3rd marriage, and while there did some deep 9th Step work with both kids,more 1st wife and her husband(that didnt work out too well) and check this out "both kids said "hey Dad you always did the best you could at that time,our childhood was different but were okay..We always loved you.Man all them years of my mind and thoughts were doing and it was just a matter of working some deep spiritual principles,trusting in my Higher Power .We are very close today although still distant(im in new york,they in texas)In fact both of my sons also play drums as I taught them when they were both young.The hope shot here with this diatribe is"we do what we do and we go forward hopefully in God's grace and mercy and continue to love to the best of our ability.My wife(1st) has been the best mother them kids could have,we never played the kids against each other and they always knew that they were loved.My second wife and I walked to the divorce court holding hands,splitting up the goods,took my guns,drums,stereo and records,she took the rest.I t just wasnt meant to be.I am in love with my wife of 27 years ,more each day,so I believe just like my recovery I had taken "the long way home"God had allowed me another shot.....It will be okay,kid are smarter than we think.They know you love them and that will help them in their lives moving forward.You are correct,God is in charge,and His will be done....Both my ex's are receptive to me at this point of our lives and that is truly a blessing after the devastation they lived thru.iT DOES TAKE TWO TO TANGO THOUGH,SO JUST OWN YOUR PART,AND ALL WILL BE WELL.iN SUPPORT ,MAIL ME IF YOU WANT TO TALK .PEACE....didnt mean for so long winded but subject is a big part of my existenece and journey into recovery!!!I print big also cause can't see the little print even with my glasses:) :)
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
I've worked with kids...Alateen, High Schooler, younger, addicted and drunks. They hurt worse because they are more powerless than adults...more suspect to being victimized and if they go to the right people for feedback...experience, strength and hope, a place they can speak their feelings, thoughts and consequences...an understanding place (Alateen is one) they can and will get much better. They didn't choose their parents; just like us and they don't have choices about how things come out until they start taking over their own lives. Good mentors and examples on what it takes to live strong and maintain peace of mind and serenity and a consistent happiness is required. If you're taking good stuff with you see how you can replace yourself while your gone. Know what I mean? ((((hugs))))
I can only speak from experience with this situation from the viewpoint of the child who's parents got divorced
My Father was truthful, but gentle, he always told the unvarnished truth but not at the expense of my mother, if that makes sense, when he spoke it was calming even in turbulent times
My mother used this situation to manipulate me, to try to get me to stay with her, she did blaming, manipulation, distorting of events, and she did so behind my fathers back or in front of his face, and while he didn't "confront" her, he stayed with his truth
If I had to do the same with my children I only wish I could be as big a man as my father was, he wasn't the greatest father in the world, he definitely had his drawbacks, but he always told the truth when the going got tough in a healthy manner, it's like he treated me like a ....person...and I will always be thankful to him for that
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Mike...I can't share on this from my own experience. I can only share from knowledge of working with kids. The best thing is just to repeatedly assure the kids that it is not about them and you love them both and will continue to work as a team to be their biggest supporters. I can't imagine at 14 and 12 though that they have not already picked up on some of this.
As for you, I know it's going to take courage and it will be one of your more difficult life moments. Prayers for you.
When you are done you can commence with redefining yourself by buying a new porsche, get a 22 year old girlfriend, and have a swingin' bachelors pad. (feeble attempt at levity).
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thank you all. I appreaciate your E, S & H and prayers.
It didn't go well. I no further got separated out of my mouth and both kids went flying upstairs to their rooms crying. I gave them a few moments to feel the emotions and then my wife and went up and got them together for the rest of the story. Lots of questions- which was o.k. We tried to the best of our ability to let them know it wasn't their fault and that they still have loving parents who care a great deal about them. They will have places to stay(each parent will have their own home- definitely a gift) and see both parents 50/50. Their schools, activities and most everything else in their lives will be pretty much the same Just 2 different houses to stay in- 12 miles apart(not far).
It hit me really hard. I went to a meeting and listened and offered a hand shake to the best of my ability. I talked to my Sponsor and others to/from the meeting. The bat with spikes was out and I used it to beat myself up pretty good.
My character defects came to the surface: fear- its my fault, I caused this
doubt- am I doing the right thing? Did I make the right decision?
insecurity- my confidence is down. My head tells me I'm going to be lonely and never be able to get over this and love another.
Up to this point I believe I used intellect over emotions in trying to do the right thing. It's like it just flipped around to emotions over intellect. Can anyone relate to this?
The progress is I didn't pick up a drink. I picked up the phone instead. I still have the bat out today but removed the spikes.
I'm still actively talking to people in the Program and outside of it and continue to work my program. I prayed to God and I'm trying to stop the head from racing so I can hear and see his will. Not easy today.
_________ PC- I can't imagine at 14 and 12 though that they have not already picked up on some of this. _________ Yes, my daugther did say after she calmed down a bit that she knew things weren't well between us and we weren't happy. I guess her reaction may have been us confirm something she was already feared or was thinking? __________
Sounds like it Mike. In your description you say it didn't go well. Nothing like that can ever go "well." It would have been worse if they were like "Okay dad. Cool you're getting divorced. Whatever..." The fact that they were upset shows they care about both of you. The fact that you are even so concerned about their well being makes you a better dad right there than just about ALL the fathers of the kids I work with every day.
So yeah...trust God as best you can. You seem like you are just doing the next right thing during a time that is inevitably and expectedly difficult.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
