I still find it interesting that after 25 years of devastation,memory loss,blackouts and dissassociated states,I can still remember that" little pantry" on Winnikee Avenue,upstate New York.You see thats where me and Rick,my best friend ,closer than my brothers, found that first bottle of some kind of Licquor and stole from the bottle and would fill back up with water.Had like a rock candy little castle in bottom of bottle and some type of sweet tasting(stomach still turns when I think of it)alcohol in it.Was a gift to my parents and they never drank it,just a decoration,so guess thats why the bottle didnt get checked until it was totally water and then the "3rd degree' after being busted....I do not write this as a trigger for anyone,I just am reflecting back.I must have been around 10 years old..We were "off to the races" nothing ever replaced that feeling of the first'alcoholic buzz".This little, self concious kid with an inferiority complex was now 'READY TO BECOME A 'new me"!!!By 1959 I was a full fledged alcoholic,drinking to blackout,missing school,stealing money to give Duffy(always hung with much older crew)$$ to buy Hombre,Muscatel,Boones Farm,Petri yellow ,you name it,beer and Whiskey when we could get it or steal it.. I do not want to glorify this journey I just want to remember the horror that 25 years later I was aware had robbed my life.I also played in a band called Ventura's(what do you think we played all Ventures music)so that life style was already ingrained in me,you know cool rock star,live hard ,party like an animal(didnt know I would end up living like one also(..Rick shot himself in the head on Dec. 17th ,1978,died of drug addiction and I believe a broken heart. I am still grieving that situation.....Most of my crew never made it passed the late 60"s early 70's.Those that did,hit the wall on hard drugs.For some Ungodly reason,I could function better on drugs then I could alcohol.Although I would use drugs to continue keeping me coherant to drink more.Do not want to cross mix as this is an AA board I will respect the forum,but alcohol is a drug!!Jails ,institutions and only God's grace and mercy kept me from death,were the order of the day!6 months into my 3rd marriage,The insanity was not doing the same thing and expecting different results,I knew what the results would be and just didnt care.until that morning..December 2nd.1984,coming to at the farm in Rhinebeck New york,KNOWING God was allowing me one more shot,surrender and live or continue on to death!As Gerry Garcia would say from that point forward,, WHAT A LONG STRANGE TRIP ITS BEEN!!!I reflect back on my first sponsor,an 84 year old ,under the bridge type alcoholic,who would yell at me,take me to meetings,and mentored me to the bet of his ability.He died 3 years later,broken,unloved from his family and with nothing but his "sobriety' I was the only outsider attending his funeral!I did "no work' for a long time but remained free from alcohol and drugs,but eventually the disease just waited until "life on life terms started beating me up.My son,at 17, was a hard core heroin addict,tearing up the "world",my relationship with my Higher Power was "shaky at the best,and I don't think I was ready to pick up ,but something "not good" was going to happen>I ran back to the rooms,got a sponsor,worked my steps,traditions,concepts,do service,give back and carry our message and "the new way of life definitely has become a reality ,a day at a time....Like a good friend of mine says.Life "is" a bowl of cherries,you just got to eat the fruit and spit out thepits!!As another member of our fellowship passed this morning ,I think I am just reflecting on how blessed,grateful and "full of hope" for those who can find recovery,a day at a time,and also move forward,living the premise of our 5th tradition and 12th step. Just for Today,my thoughts will be on my new associations,those who arent using and have found a new way to live, as long as I follow that way I have nothing to fear.. I Dont usually post a diatribe,so thanks for listening. Its hard for me to read long posts also ...I wish you peace and for today ,reach out to someone,in love and care,selfless and in God's spirit.You will truly be blessed,that I am sure of!!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Hi mikef, What a treat to be able to drift with you as you "relived your past". Once again I felt the power of it. Rightly used "It is our greatest Possession." Been a while since I remembered stealing Grandpa's brandy, right about the time I was learning how to read. Your willingness to share has accessed that amazing experience of "averting suffering misery and death for others" in the Blue Book. By "Reliving " with you Just For Today I will not have to drink or use. I have asked for the Gift of Sobriety. Wayne
You reached out to all of us, in love and care, selfless and in God's spirit. We all are truly blessed. Thanks Mike! Just not drinking/drugging is never enough, it is the spiritual awakening that renders us recovered. You are a daily embodiment of spirituality in action.
Aloha Mikef and Mahalo for that share. I was told a long time ago that if I kept coming back I would hear my story told by another member and here parts of it are repeated again. Duffy...I use to drink with a Duffy and the last time I spoke with him to let him know what I had found he understood expecially from the angle of all the similar losses. He was winding down his life...his job and altering his relationships with his daughters and his ex-wives because he was heading off to prison the consequence of a relationship with alcoholism. We were close I even named his hotrod (LOL) the "Grey Ghost". That car had a trunk that could hold endless amounts of beer and needed to as a group of 6-7 high school sophmores had mighty desires. I also lost a former sponsor in early recovery "Bill S" who worked with and attended me in illness while he himself was dying of cancer. That was my most able lesson in commitment, compassion, humility and love. I didn't make it to the funeral of the man who helped save my life. So I get to remember him daily and be grateful for him.
God were we all imaginative superstars? Our group was "2Gs a D and a J" and we did Kingston Trio and other balladeers. LOL. I also did felony behaviors but I thought I sang better than I lied, cheated, stole and violated the human race.
What ever was in that bottle was the key to your being here and this contribution to my recovey. Thank you God. Thank you Mikef....Jerryf
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 5th of February 2011 05:54:31 PM
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 5th of February 2011 05:55:25 PM
That was great to read. Thanks Mike. It really sounds like you learned how to live all over again in recovery. Dean could paste this to the "our stories" thread.
"Our stories reflect what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now." Perfect example.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I remember my first, too. I was 12 years old. At a family camping trip in cabins on a lake, my friend and I knew that all the adults were drinking, and getting kind of loud and wild, and we wondered what it would be like to try what they were doing. We swiped a bottle of gin off the counter and proceeded to mix it with coca cola (GROSS!). My first instinct was to spit it out. I was totally revulsed. IT was disgusting...and in the next second I wanted MORE. I remember the rush, the heat of the alcohol running through my bloodstream. The instant feeling that everything was OK, I was ok. This was only the beginning. I was hooked, in love. I had found my first lover, a lover that would kill me if I EVER went back there.
I drank for 24 years and finally at age 36 hung up the shotglass. My life had become a living hell, I had no idea how to be an adult, how to be in a healthy relationship, how to think beyond my own selfishness, anger, fears, and resentments. On the outside my life looked good. I had graduated with honors from college, acquired a MA degree in education (funny, because I still had not YET learned how to learn!), had a house and family with 2 little boys, and ALMOST lost it all... My bottom was 2 divorces later, living in a run down house I couldn't afford with grass and weeds grown waist high in the yard, bills piled up and overflowing out of the mailbox, my sons misbehaving for attention, crying out for help. I drank to escape my life, my responsibilities, to avoid this hole in my heart, this aching pain of worthlessness. I hid it from everyone. I drank privately, I isolated. My doctor told me I was killing myself with my lifestyle and my drinking, so I stopped going to the doctor.
THIS INSANITY HAD TO STOP. I could not go on this way. I began having suicidal thoughts. Thinking my sons would be better off without me. I tried to quit drinking and couldn't. I needed help. I walked into AA broken, seven months ago...and today my life is AMAZING. I love myself. REALLY! THIS AMAZES ME. I believe I am worth something. I love my God. I want to help others, to serve and bring others my experience, strength, and hope. I have found purpose, and enjoy my life, my adulthood. I am no longer afraid of much. I can make amends to my worst enemies and forgive them. I have freedom. I have love. I am eternally grateful for AA and the gift it has been for me and my family.
Yet, still...on hard days, my mind (my dis ease) goes back to that first awful drink. It beckons me, and I know that I need to WORK THIS PROGRAM if I'm ever going to make it. Heather
