I was introduced to A.A. in 1986 through a 21 day in-patient program. One of the "exercises" in the treatment facility was to write about the first step. I remember writing about a whole lot of consequences of my abuse of alcohol and drugs (dropped out of college, car repossessed, bouncing checks, etc.).
When I left the treatment facility, I immediately started going to A.A. meetings and got a sponsor at about 30 days sober. She was what we call a "Big Book Thumper", and I thank God for her. She led me through the 12 steps using the Big Book. When we got to page 52, I finally "got" what the "ism" of alcoholism is:
"We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people . . . ."
I strongly identified with almost all aspects of the above paragraph, and I came to understand that this is the "ism" of my disease of alcoholism that I attempted to "treat" with alcohol and drugs. The remaining steps allowed me -- with the help of God and my sponsor -- to get down to these root causes and find the freedom I had been fruitlessly trying to find in a bottle.
Today, I must understand that these root causes can raise their ugly heads at any time. Thanks to A.A., I have made a lot of progress over time, but sometimes its "two steps forward, one step back." Thank God this Program is a "one day at a time" program, and I never get to "graduate."
Thanks for the great topic, BGG
-- Edited by BGG on Thursday 3rd of February 2011 11:11:48 PM
I was thinking about this in response to the other threat here "hopeless"...in which the person described plenty of powerlessness, but still seemed to be relapsing because of not seeing life as being unmanageable yet. Hence...repeated relapse. You are totally right about the 2 parts in one.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people
Covers it for me as well, it's also covered in masterly detail in the third step
it was explained to me that I wasn't "management material" that I was actually pretty unqualified to run my own life, all I had to do was look at the evidence, that I should stop trying to "manage" my own life because the results spoke for themselves, and if I wasn't qualified to run my own life, I most certainly wasn't qualified to run other peoples lives
The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propul sion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wish ed, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-s acrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.
What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatchin g all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?
Our actor is self-centered, ego-centric, as people like to call it nowadays. He is like the retired business man who lolls in the Florida sunshine in the winter complaining of the sad state of the nation; the minister who sighs over the sins of the t wentieth century; politicians and reformers who are sure all would be Utopia if the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever our protest ations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?
Selfishness, self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly wit hout provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishnes s. We must, or it kill us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have lik ed to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help.
This is the how and the why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we a re His children. Most Good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
" that our lives had become unmanageable " At an early attempt to come to AA in 95, before I stopped being a visitor, this phrase gave me the illusion that it was the alcohol that was making me unmanageable, and that if I put the plug in the jug, find a God of my understanding ( like I was hearing, so many in the meetings did ) that I would be ok. That I could just come to meetings, not drink in between, and I would be good to go. I tried that, and my conclusion at that time was that I was not an alcoholic. Things didnt get better, they got worse. I was living up close and personal what had already been quoted in this post, what was written on (pg 52 ). I was in collision with everything and everyone, but I wasnt drinking. I knew deep down inside of me that something else was wrong with me BUT WHAT!!!!!!!!! When I stop drinking my life gets worse not better, I must not be an alcoholic. I end up having to go to mental health and they diagnose me " depressed " so I take their anti-depression pills, and I get worse. Then they diagnose me " bipolar " so I take their bipolar pills, and I get worse. Then they made a mistake, I wasnt bipolar, I had " ADD with depression " so I took their ADD and depression pills, and got worse yet. All this was a 4 1/2 year period where I didnt go to AA, but had turned into a periodic blow out drunk, not drinking for as long as I could, and then drinking till I couldnt drink no more. I was ready to take my self out cause no one can tell me whats wrong with me, and I am spiraling down with increased momentum.
I end up back on AA, and to this day I dont know why I showed up again. I heard that night for the first time, ( not that it was the first time it was said to me ) that what was wrong with me was that I had a spiritual malady that only a spiritual experience will conquer, that alcohol was a symptom of this malady, and that my life was crumbling at my feet cause I have an utter inability to manage it whether Im drinking or not, in fact it gets worse when the bottle goes away, cause Im driven by this feeling of impending doom and emptiness. And that drives either the delusion to wrest happiness and satisfaction out of this world by one more attempt to manage well, or the delusion that a drink will make it better. Either way, with out a way to get and maintain a spiritual experience, I'm screwed. I cant manage my life drinking or not. This all made so much sense to me, that I started doing the things that some of us do around here, and when I got to step three and my sponsor went over the book with me ( pg 60-64 ) I was able to see so very clearly the unmanageably in every aspect of my life. I like the way step one is written in the abc's in ch 5... A) That I was alcoholic and COULD NOT MANAGE MY OWN LIFE. And the next few pages tells me why. Its cause my management skills suck and they always will, ( as long as I'm an alcoholic that is ) . It took me a year and a half to get this from my head to my heart, where I made " the second " surrender. A year and a half sober, in AA, and what I had coming into AA I had managed right into the ground. Wife, family, house, everything, it was all gone. I Finlay hit the bottom sober and in AA. An utter inability to manage my life....period....
My life today is manageable, but not by me. By doing my best to be the actor and not the DIRECTOR, by being HIS agent, by playing the role HE assigns, it stays manageable. As soon as I play God, it goes to shit and in a hurry. I found that HIS will for me is doing the next right thing right, because its right, regardless of how I feel about it, and regardless of the cost. To stay connected to others on the same path, To help HIS kids do what they need done with no strings attached. When I can do this, which I cant always do, ( my biggest character defect is I play God ) I get a spiritual experience. For me that looks like this: I dont feel like a visitor in my own life, I'm not consumed with the past or the future, and I am connected to God and the people around me. All the things that alcohol used to do for me when it worked. WHAT A DEAL!!!
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Since it cost a lot to win, and even more to loose, you and me gotta spend some time just wondering what to choose.
I remember having it pointed out to me that only steps 1 and 12 mention alcohol. And some versions of step 12 do not ("carry this message to others"). This is because the statement in step 1 is but a symptom of a living problem. It took me a while to comprehend that the path to sobriety isn't about changing my drinking, it's about changing my living.
Alcohol for me wasn't medication. It was culture. I did what many others on both sides of my family had done for decades and I did it because it was always available and I could. I understand the psych-ology as I have worked in the field shoulder to shoulder with PsyMAs and Phds. I understand that alcohol treatment needed the dual diagnosis attachement to attain treatment dollars however it has often been shown that once an alcoholic is out of the chemical and working a solid program of recovery many if not all of the emotional and mental difficulties fade into nothingness.
Most of the alcoholics and alcoholic addicts I have worked with in the past drank and used the same way I did. They did it because they could and then suffered consequences. Alcohol will completely do in the mind, body, spirit and emotions of anyone it gets the hook into and when that happens the other problems become evident.
The psych industry says people drink because they have problems where as AA has said people have problem because they drink or drink and have other problems too.
It is and was alcohol that I was powerless over and then my life became unmanage- able trying to live normally with a chemically altered mind, body, spirit and emotions.
