Deep down in my heart, I am certain I cannot beat this disease. I am a 41-year old woman. I have tried AA meetings, read the Book Book and other alchohol-related material. A couple times I was able to quit for just under 3 months but inevitably, the craving wins and I find myself in the wine store.
Typically, I drink a 750 of wine a night but I go through stages where it can reach as much as 3 bottles. I find that as my tolerance grows, I postpone dinner until I finish drinking. I typically don't drink until the evening time and have not had any physical withdrawls or health problems - yet! I know that famous word in the AA circles.
My disease is escalating and although I look younger than my age (don't smoke or do drugs and I work out), alcohol is my best friend and my worst enemy.
It sounds silly, but I also think I need a few drinks to paint as I am an abstract artist. It loosens up my inhibitions and seems to help my art. But honestly, i've also ruined some paintings while under the influence.
Anyways, I feel better reaching out on here. But I don't think this weak-willed, sensitive artsy-fartsy has the strength to finally put the bottle away.
Elaine
-- Edited by Artsy Gal on Thursday 3rd of February 2011 01:59:26 PM
Hi Elaine, No need to fret. Everything you have shared is common among many of us.
" My disease is escalating and although I look younger than my age (don't smoke or do drugs and I work out), alcohol is my best friend and my worst enemy. " Actually that is a very good starting place. When the student is ready the teacher will appear. You may be ready. In Hope, Wayne
It's not about will power. Trust me, if it were I wouldn't be sober (or probably alive) today. Until I gave everything up...I mean ALL OF IT, I stayed drunk. I feel there comes a point in every alcoholics life when they are given the gift of desperation. I finally got desperate enough to let a power greater than I have it. I beg him to take it. I don't know what happened, but it was taken away. It's my experience that NO HUMAN POWER can relieve us from our alcoholism. The way I see it, will power is human power. Have you been going to meetings? Do you have a sponsor? Have you worked any steps? I tried like hell for 5 years to get sober without doing any of that stuff, and kept going back to the bottle. It took me to a very low bottom. I kept hearing that things were only going to get worse for me, and that's what happened. The program works if you work it, it really does. Best way it was put to me was, "you get what you give."
Brian
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Nothing ever truly dies. The universe wastes nothing. Everything is simply, transformed. :confuse:
Welcome Elaine! I can relate to your share. I realized the hard way that I couldn't beat this diesase. It wasn't a sign of internal weakness. I realized that I had a chronic, progressive diesase and wasn't necessarily a bad person. The good part was I learned there's a solution.
Step 1 for me was total surrender to this diesase. To admit that it won and I lost. Admitting and accepting that I was powerless over this diesase and my life was unmanagable when I was drinking and when I was not drinking (humility)...... I learned that I have a progressive illness with no permanent cure. I also learned that I can arrest the diesase with a program of action. Once I took action my life started to change.
My program of action: meetings, sponsor, calling sponsor, steps, high power, helping others and service work. Recovery became/is my top priority today. Staying active provides me with the daily reprieve neccessary to arrest this diesase.
Other than the amount of your consumption why do you even want to stop? What consequences have there been? It sounds like you are treating the whole thing with about the same passion and intensity as going on a diet. When I REALLY was ready for AA...more than to just dabble in it and go to some meetings, I was at the point where I was 100 percent convinced I was going to lose everything and die from drinking. The low bottom is not required, but you have to believe fully you are headed there if not there already. Until then, you will keep it in your head that you have another run in you and that you can just keep drinking and nothing bad will really happen. This seems to be the reason for your relapses, in my opinion.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Welcome! Glad you showed up.Only you can finally decide when 'the pain out weighs the pleasure" and you will need to come to 'total' surrender.you are powerless and unmanageable.....Coming to believe restores us to sanity and helps us move forward in a program of recovery.We are here,when you are ready ,by the grace and mercy of God(of our understanding)we'll still be here......A life better than any you have ever known awaits you,a day at a time.....!!!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
and Welcome to Miracles in Progress. Hopeless, well I am guessing just about 95% of us felt that way, my own deep sense of hopelessness ended in my third and failed suicide attempt.
Just a simple question....ddo you have a desire to quit, not on the outside, but deep in your heart??
The only requirement for membership is a desire to quit, have seen many still drinking, leaving their bottles outside, but they sit there cause they dont want to keep doing what they are doing and eventually they either leave, but so many come back, day after day, and then one day they start looking so healthy....
" But I don't think this weak-willed, sensitive artsy-fartsy has the strength to finally put the bottle away."
Well Elaine if you are anything like me ( and it sounds like you are) I agree with you. I didn't have the strength to put the bottle away either, that is what powerlessness is. The alcohol was (is) more powerful than me. That is what Step One is. Unmanangeable and powerless. For me I had to lose just about everything ( relationship, job, apartment, self respect etc. ) and then I finally took my alcoholism to heart. I knew I had another drunk in me but I didn't know if I had another shot at soberity.
Please keep coming back, and try to have an open mind......we will save you a seat!
I remember hearing at a meeting, first there was fun and drinking, then fun, drinking and consequences, then drinking and consequences, and finally just consequences, I too had this idea that it was kind of ok because I was a writer, problem was it took this away from me. I thought I was young looking for my age too and I gained in attractiveness with every drink I took. I was delusional. The photos don't lie and I look heaps better in early sobriety though I took the chocolate advice from old timers very seriously and put on a few pounds. I like myself in these photos. I appear happy and genuine. I don't in the others as I don't look well and healthy.
Hi Elaine, welcome to the board. You know, that most us aren't ready till we've had that "last drink". Some event, loss, or injury to our pride, body, finances, or freedom, or maybe just a friend telling us the dreadful truth about oursleves finally pushes off of the fence. I rode that fence for 6 or 7 years till I began going to meetings (on my own accord). It took two years of getting 30 and 60 days repeatedly, and drinking again, till a few unfortunate things happened. I lost a great job, my best drinking friend "Ronnie" died, and oh yeah, my marriage ended lol. It was one of those "comes in threes" omen type things. I knew it was time. I called a friend and invited him to go out drinking with me that night (Tuesday). He said "what's the ocassion?". I told him it was the last time that I was ever going to drink. He laughed and said "yeah whatever". I woke up the next day and called a man that I was too nervous to ask to be my sponsor (for 2 years) if he'd sponsor me, and I, with the help of AA, and my higher power, haven't had to pick up a drink since.. That was the summer of '89. The whole world changed and so did I. It's been one heck of a fabulous ride, and if I had to go tomorrow, I'd go with a smile. Stick around and help us to stay sober.
Artsy gal, you say: "I don't think this weak-willed, sensitive artsy-fartsy has the strength to finally put the bottle away.".
So, what is the alternative then? The amounts you describe drinking are unhealthy and are not supportable in the long term. Are you hoping you can moderate or slow your drinking? Maybe, but that has a very poor record of success historically.
Alcohol dependence is progressive. Your tolerance will grow and grow and the volume you need will increase and increase until at some point, you just won't be able to get drunk any more. Or you'll TRY to get drunk and do medical harm to yourself. I hope you don't need to progress that far until you take steps.
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
The "real alcoholic" can actually only get sober when (s)he finally admits complete defeat and surrenders, it's the only way The Program of Alcoholics Anonymous actually works
Step 1 Admitted we were powerLESS over alcohol AND that our lives had become unmanageable
That is the starting point, until then resistance is futile, as you are learning
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Hi and welcome! You've gotten some good advice here and no, you are NOT hopeless! You just can't see hope yet. If you desire to quit drinking, and feel powerless over alcohol, and feel that your life has become unmanageable, then you are already on step one! Congratulations. I know it seems impossible, but if you admit that you need help, your life is about to get SO MUCH BETTER! AA works, and has worked with millions of recovered alcoholics. I admitted I was an alcoholic 7 months ago, and I am amazed to not have ANY cravings or urges to drink now. Here's what I did. I went to a meeting, sobbed through the whole thing as I realized the truth about myself, and ironically thought my life was over. Instead that was only the beginning of a meaningful life for me. I got a sponsor, and I am working the steps. I am willing to do whatever it takes, and often find that when I'm willing, I make great strides in recovery. I'm on step 9 now, and am discovering so much relief, inner peace, and freedom it is amazing to me. I read the big book and 12 and 12, I pray, and I meditate. The meditation brings me so much serenity, confidence, and clarity that I find myself being able to really flow artistically, WAY MORE than drinking could *sometimes* do for me. The greatest gift I have received is a strong love for myself. My self worth was in the toilet when I got here, and at first I had to let others in the fellowship love me until I could love myself. I just had to be willing. So, are you ready? Here for you with open arms, Heather
Most of us (I would say all, but there may be exceptions) have felt hopeless before we claimed victory over this disease- or at least over the "hopeless state of mind and body" that the Big Book cites. I remember quite well that I couldn't imagine what my life would be like without alcohol. I also couldn't imagine going on the way I had been, though- literally couldn't live with myself, drinking or not drinking. And when I reached my bottom, I knew I had to do something different.
I had been in and out of the rooms of AA meetings twice in the eight months or so leading up to getting sober for good...and had read the Big Book cover to cover (hint: it takes more than reading the book to work the program). But I got a sponsor and started doing the step work, and that was THE difference. When you said that you've been able to stop for three months or so, but that craving always comes back- in AA, we call that the mental obsession, and it's one of the two components of an alcoholic mind:
1. Mental obsession
2. Physical craving
The physical craving sets in after we take that first sip, or first glass, or whatever. And until I could do something about my mental obsession, I had no hope of defending myself against the craving (meaning if I had that first drink, I was usually gone on a three or four-day bender).
Throughout all of my drinking, I had not had any legal consequences, and had never been fired from a job because of it; nothing like that. But my body was definitely sending me signs that I had some serious problems, physically. I knew that if I didn't do something about it, I was not going to live much longer. And I firmly believe that today. But I reached a point in my recovery where the compulsion to drink was just removed. It took about four or five months, maybe, and that was it. I know the truth about myself, when it comes to drinking, and there is nothing in a bottle of alcohol that I want today. I've been sober, a day at a time, for a little over thirteen years now.
So it is possible to be sober, if you want it. You have to want to NOT take that drink, more than you want to take it. But this program absolutely works, if you have the willingness to do it. In lots of rooms where AA meetings are held, you might find a poster or a plaque that says, "Hope is found here". And it's true.
And another little aside, here, about being "artsy-fartsy"- don't debase yourself or poke fun at what you are, like that! Sensitive and artistic are things to be embraced, and they're a part of who you are. OK?
Been there...done that.. Nothing to analyze.. At present? You want to drink...more then you want to stay sober.. There will come a time.. When it turns around.. If you dont die first.. :) Keep breathin
"I need a few drinks to paint as I am an abstract artist. It loosens up my inhibitions and seems to help my art."
I thought this also, but later found it to be the dis-ease talking. Art is of my soul. If anything, the alcohol diluted it, numbed me to that which is an innate part of my inner self. It took quite awhilel to tap into that sober, but in time it did come, and was more than worth the wait (and sobering up for).
When you are honestly ready to grab on with both hands, the program and its fellowship are/will be here for you. Hopefully now, but if not, whenever.
