Need advice, dating someone who drinks excessively

justwondering · Newbie

Need advice, dating someone who drinks excessively

SoberSteve · MIP Old Timer

Do you live with him? This does not sound like a healthy relationship. Also you say you gave up drinking altogether but have a beer or two with friends? Thats not altogether giving it up. I think you need to work on yourself before dealing with his issues; Have you been to an AA or ALANON meeting? Theres lots of support there. What if next time he gets drunk and you get hit again but instead of rock bottom its from his fists? I think if you have a place to go you should at least take some time away from him and evaluate yourself, but this is all my opinion, what do I know?

Klaatu · Senior Member

Best thing you can do for yourself is get out as quickly as you can. If he is an alcoholic, and it sounds to me like he may very well be, things are only going to continue to get worse. Until he decides enough is enough and gets sober for HIMSELF, nothing will change. If you think his drinking is affecting your life now, stick around for a while and see where it takes you. There's no way I could ever put myself in my wifes place, but I can tell you that I nearly drove her insane before I finally decided to change. It's been a while since I've had a drink, but the healing is still taking place, and it probably will for years to come. Maybe it's time to cut your losses before you lose more than your willing to give up.

Brian

hsoj · Veteran Member

Klaatu wrote:

Best thing you can do for yourself is get out as quickly as you can. If he is an alcoholic, and it sounds to me like he may very well be, things are only going to continue to get worse. Until he decides enough is enough and gets sober for HIMSELF, nothing will change.

I agree with this absolutely. While you may not want to just cut and run on him, that would be the healthiest thing for you to do. As Brian said, if this man doesn't want to stop, he won't. It has to be something he wants for himself.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

JustWondering is a good screen name, Clueless would probably be a better fit. Not trying to be mean, just trying to wake you up a bit. Let see, where do I start. I usually say 'run forest run', but you're codependency is so strong it might take a big stick to beat you off of him.

So your bf is a raging alcoholic, is abusive, and you can't take him anywhere, check. His chances, of recovery are less than slim. Only 5% of alcoholics, that WANT to get sober, make it to a year of sobriety. It's almost impossible, for practicing alcoholics, to get sober, while in a dysfunctional relationship, so you're preasence in this relationship is a roadblock to his recovery. So, in essence, You're killing him.

Let's ask a couple of questions about you. Why are you with this guy? Do you think "normal" people would be attracted to your bf? They wouldn't spend more that 5 minutes with him before being repulsed/disgusted, but to you, his sickening abusive behavior has endearing qualities. Why is that? Don't you deserve better than that? Do your love interest have to be projects? Mere shells of a real man? Does the thought of a relationship with a fully functional, mature, and independent man scare the heck out of you? What happened to you, early on, that made you this way? Why is your self esteem so low that you settle for a brake down, ebarrassment of a man, like this one?

And why would you be so foolish to take someone, as volitile and revile, as him, to a company party? Are your sensitivities so dull, from being around him, that you're blind to how other people would see who your bf really is, a common destitute drunk? I'm asking these tough questions to get your focus off of him (He is who we thought he is) and on to you. Your attraction, and inability to get out of the relationship to/with him is an illness, that is just as tough/devastating, and deadly. Many codependents get killed by their alcoholics/addicts or kill themselves due to their vanishing self esteem, feelings of hopelessness, and sense of abandonment. All battered/murdered spouse situations, begin like this and chances are really good that this isn't your first alcoholic.

There is help for you in Codependents annonymous. Take a look at thier characteristics and see if you identify with them. coda.org click on "Am I a codependent". Some folks will recommend the Alanon program, but in my opinion that is for family members of an alcoholic (wives, parents...) who don't have a choice but to be in the relationship. Coda teaches how to end dysfunctional relationships so that the codependent can begin their recovery.

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Tuesday 1st of February 2011 09:01:08 AM

Aquaman · MIP Old Timer

I would not consider it. I would stop.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

I agree with Dean. P.S. - I went to the Alanon board saying basically the same thing (Why stick around?) and they roasted me. They have a very different take on things over there. I respect it now though.

gladlee · Senior Member

We don't counsel or give advice because we don't know what is right for you.

If you have been affected by someone else's drinking, Al-anon is for you. If you have a desire to stop drinking, AA is for you. I sit in both. (I personally am not familiar with Coda.)

Stay in the day, you are okay, sweetie. Please take care of yourself... whatever that looks like. Find your seat wherever you are comfortable, there is a fellowship out there waiting to welcome and love you. Things will become clear and you will know what to do... when you are good and ready. The answers are inside you. A 12-step program will guide the way. (((hugs)))

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

We don't give advice either, but we give strong suggestions in AA. If we didn't, it would become a place to just whine about problems and find no solution. Shrug.

LinBaba · MIP Old Timer

pinkchip wrote:

We don't give advice either, but we give strong suggestions in AA. If we didn't, it would become a place to just whine about problems and find no solution. Shrug.

I'm not being critical here of anyone, I'm just going to lay out what is and isn't "AA", This message Board isn't AA it's a message board, and as such it's like a bulletin board outside a meeting, or the meeting before or after the meeting, and as such doesn't have the constraints a meeting has, The AA message Board at MIP isn't "AA" and that's ok, I'm just defining what AA is and isn't

Strictly speaking, in -The Program- of -Alcoholics Anonymous- we share our -Experience, Strength, and Hope-

We talk about -What it was like, What happened, and What it's like now-

We do NOT say "this is what YOU should do" we say "This is what we did"

We do NOT give opinions nor advice, we stick STRICTLY to our experience, anything else is called "sharing outside our experience" and has NOTHING to do with The Program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and is considered incredibly poor form -in The Program of Alcoholics Anonymous-

To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book.

This site however much of the time bears little or no resemblance to -The Program- of Alcoholics Anonymous- which is OK, it is what it is, a message board for members of AA, but just FYI, in -The Program- we stick to our experience, or it isn't AA

-This is what we did- is -Program-, -This is what you SHOULD do- or -this is what I think you should do- or -this is my opinion- or worst yet -this is my opinion about an experience I have never had- is about as far away as one can get from the actual program of AA

We speak from experience or not at all in AA, I'm not say we do that here at -MIP- I'm saying that is how it's done in AA if one wants to call something AA

That's why this is called a "we" Program, because this is what -we- did, and if you want what we have you do what we did, there is no wriggle room here

Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it then you are ready to take certain steps.
At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Remember that we deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power that One is God. May you find Him now!
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. we asked His protection and care with complete abandon.
Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:

just to clarify

We have step by step instructions on how to talk to new people or their spouses here:

Step 12

and here

and here

If you have been successful in solving your own domestic problems, tell the newcomer's family how that was accomplished. In this way you can set them on the right track without becoming critical of them. The story of how you and your wife settled your difficulties is worth any amount of criticism.

-- Edited by LinBaba on Tuesday 1st of February 2011 12:31:52 PM

TwelveSteps · Senior Member

All I can add is that I didn't get sober until after I was divorced, and although I was not drinking at my "max" when I was married, I did use alcohol to avoid dealing with issues in our relationship, and I know my drinking made things a lot harder for my ex-husband. If he had pressured me to get sober while we were married, I wouldn't have listened and just would have gotten angry/defensive, and I definitely didn't think I was an alcoholic.

It's tough to deal honestly with relationship issues and move toward positive change when you are drinking alcoholically.

GG

HeatherK · Veteran Member

Dear Just Wondering,
I am you. I chased this type of lunatic for YEARS, thinking that if I could only change him, it would mean I was worth something. That if I could only get him to choose ME over alcohol, then I could repair all the damage done to me by men my whole life. The thing I had to learn was, I was powerless over his drinking.

Just like I am powerless over my own. Like others mentioned, we cannot control anyone's drinking. We are completely powerless.

I am a "double winner." I'm told this means I am an alcoholic, with codependency issues, who has been surrounded by alcoholics all my life. I need both AA and Alanon, and also am part of a CODA group. Growing up in an INSANE alcoholic household, choosing to chase sick people...the bigger asshole the better, drinking myself to cover emotional pain, these things were part of my story...but I learned they do not have to be part of my way of living TODAY.

If you want a life of freedom, inner peace, and joy...you're going to have to do some work. If I can do this, YOU CAN DO THIS...if you want it. For me, I just needed to decide I was worth it. In the beginning, when I didn't love myself enough yet to make the necessary changes, I found some support people who would love me until I could love myself.

Now, after diligently working the steps, doing whatever my sponsor told me to do because MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT, going to meetings, finding my higher power, and putting as much effort into my recovery as I did my dis ease, I am finally FINALLY finding some relief and a sense of purpose. I hope that what I have said helps someone out there, because I know the pain you are in, and I know from my experience there is a solution! There is hope out there, if you listen and are willing to learn and grow. I thank YOU for opening up and sharing this with us. That's a good start! Best wishes to you! Love, Heather

SoberSteve · MIP Old Timer

Are we close to the coda board being completed?

justwondering · Newbie

SoberSteve wrote:

Do you live with him? This does not sound like a healthy relationship. Also you say you gave up drinking altogether but have a beer or two with friends? Thats not altogether giving it up. I think you need to work on yourself before dealing with his issues; Have you been to an AA or ALANON meeting? Theres lots of support there. What if next time he gets drunk and you get hit again but instead of rock bottom its from his fists? I think if you have a place to go you should at least take some time away from him and evaluate yourself, but this is all my opinion, what do I know?

No I don't live with him, though he does live about 5 minutes away (driving). I do agree that I haven't given up drinking alltogether, but having 5 beers in a month seems pretty in control to me. Or, at least, a HUGE improvement from my previous lifestyle (I would drink every night because he wanted to).

I've broken up with him several times, but I always find myself answering his incessant phone calls eventually. I use the excuse that I'm in love with him and I want what's best for him, and I try so hard to be an inspiration for him to stop drinking because, 'hey... aren't I worth it?' It's obvious HE has to be the one that wants to change, but I don't see him changing. And yet here I am. What the hell!

I've been reading a lot of Deepak Chopra, staying in on the weekends, only hanging out with close close friends that are a good positive influence (and no drinking). Yet he's the one that remains in my life "closest" to me.

Mainly, I just don't understand why I'm attracted to someone despite the negatives. Yes, he's my first love. But that isn't enough.

Sounds like I know what I need to do, just having trouble taking the steps to be strong and do it.

This message board is just a little ray of sunshine for me at the moment.

Background: I'm 22, male, gay

justwondering · Newbie

HeatherK wrote:

That if I could only get him to choose ME over alcohol, then I could repair all the damage done to me by men my whole life. The thing I had to learn was, I was powerless over his drinking.

Just like I am powerless over my own. Like others mentioned, we cannot control anyone's drinking. We are completely powerless.

This is how I feel. He tells me he loves me so much and cares about me and knows he has a problem, then gets drunk! He got wasted at the company party on Saturday, then super hungover on Sunday. I brought him food and a movie to watch, then later that night he snuck downstairs to take a few shots by himself without telling me.

I met up with him yesterday after my boss told me his behavior was unacceptable. I cried in the office. I was so embarassed and hurt. I wanted them to like him!

He knows he's really screwed things up, and I find myself wanting to give him another chance. Is this enabling??? Should I really end things entirely even though I really care for and love him? Am I taking the easy route?

-Sigh- I just feel lost this week, and him getting trashed in front of people I respect and work for crossed the line for me.

ANON

LinBaba · MIP Old Timer

justwondering wrote:

I use the excuse that I'm in love with him and I want what's best for him, and I try so hard to be an inspiration for him to stop drinking because, 'hey... aren't I worth it?' It's obvious HE has to be the one that wants to change, but I don't see him changing. And yet here I am. What the hell!

Mainly, I just don't understand why I'm attracted to someone despite the negatives. Yes, he's my first love. But that isn't enough.

The books I found that answered these questions for me were:

Facing Love Addiction by Pia Melody
Codependent No More by Melody Beatty
Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drew (exceprts-didn't read the whole book)

After reading the first 2 I was able to narrow down my own specific behaviors and further delve into them, I didn't find Deepak Chopra helpful until I actually had a nodding acquaintance with what healthy love actually was, as I was just "spinning" what he was writing to fit my distorted views of love

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha Just...the qualification for the Al-Anon Family Groups is if "you have a problem
with someone elses drinking."   The program has been around 60years and the
membership is diverse including women, men, all nationalities, gender prefence,
recovering alcoholics and whatever might be left out there.

You came here looking for support and you found it. You were looking for it because
you need help with the situation you already think and feel is not healthy for you in
two ways and so you got support from people for both. The recovering alcoholics here
gave you their ESH about alcoholism as they understand it. The double winners gave
you their ESH about what it is like to live with one and how uncontrolable and insane
that proposal is.

Dean comes at it the way I was confronted about my choices when I first arrived in
Al-Anon...Why are you doing it? What are you getting out of it?   What do you hope
to get out of it? Are your expectations being me?   In short it wasn't about "She" the
alcoholic wife I happened to be in a relationship about at that time but about me and
why did I choose to be in the relationship when I actually didn't want to be in it and
was thinking of being out of it before I married her. I had to understand the answers
to that kinda why? What is wrong with me? is the only pertinent question that I need
a solution to and so an HP chose the Al-Anon Family Groups as the starting place
for me...not AA thank God. By the grace of God I started where I needed to start.

Check in next door with the Al-Anon room of this board and sit down, read, listen
and ask for suggestions. Keep an open mind (keep your own voice out of your
head) and follow the suggestions. They don't give advice; also what Lin had
mentioned. We can only talk about what we know from experience...everything else
only sounds good with a drink in our hand.

Keep coming back.   In support smile

justwondering · Newbie

Jerry F wrote:

Aloha Just...the qualification for the Al-Anon Family Groups is if "you have a problem
with someone elses drinking."   The program has been around 60years and the
membership is diverse including women, men, all nationalities, gender prefence,
recovering alcoholics and whatever might be left out there.

You came here looking for support and you found it. You were looking for it because
you need help with the situation you already think and feel is not healthy for you in
two ways and so you got support from people for both. The recovering alcoholics here
gave you their ESH about alcoholism as they understand it. The double winners gave
you their ESH about what it is like to live with one and how uncontrolable and insane
that proposal is.

Dean comes at it the way I was confronted about my choices when I first arrived in
Al-Anon...Why are you doing it? What are you getting out of it?   What do you hope
to get out of it? Are your expectations being me?   In short it wasn't about "She" the
alcoholic wife I happened to be in a relationship about at that time but about me and
why did I choose to be in the relationship when I actually didn't want to be in it and
was thinking of being out of it before I married her. I had to understand the answers
to that kinda why? What is wrong with me? is the only pertinent question that I need
a solution to and so an HP chose the Al-Anon Family Groups as the starting place
for me...not AA thank God. By the grace of God I started where I needed to start.

Check in next door with the Al-Anon room of this board and sit down, read, listen
and ask for suggestions. Keep an open mind (keep your own voice out of your
head) and follow the suggestions. They don't give advice; also what Lin had
mentioned. We can only talk about what we know from experience...everything else
only sounds good with a drink in our hand.

Keep coming back.   In support

Thank you for the support. I am going to head over there and check it out.

Lin, thanks for the suggestions. I just bought Codependent No More by Melody Beattie from amazon.com. hoping that this, too, will give some guidance. Thank you all

zzworldontheweb · Senior Member

"I always find myself answering his incessant phone calls"

This suggests that you don't feel you have any control over your own actions. I would urge you to abandon this type of thinking immediately. Not only is it demonstrably false, it is simply unhealthy...

Just Toni · MIP Old Timer

When I read your Post title,
" Need advice, dating someone who drinks excessively"

my thought went to....heres an easy answer , STOP dating him.

have to say about 6 month ago there was another Post identical to yours. well almost......and she did not stop and her life turned into sheer unadulterated hell.
While you can, what Dean said......,

Run, Forest, Run, oh, and dont look back

Toni

recovered55 · Member

You cannot stop him from drinking, and if you're questioning if you should be with him, there's your answer. If you think you can "save him" you can't.

mental defect · Veteran Member

Bill recovered alcoholic. While drinking I do strange and obsurd things quite the opposite of when I am not drinking. Being beyond human aide there was nothing that my first wife my familymy best freinds.could say or do to make me stop. I am incredibley selfish and dishonest . I would get snot slinging drunk pretty much evey day.she would get angry and tell me she was gonna leave me. So I would promise her that ill come straight home from work.and well I have to stop for one and then I would have an allergic reaction which made it impossible to stop.well I knew she was gonna be mad again so I stay gone til I t was late or I wouldn't make it home at all. I always got worse. The more I tried to stop on my own the more frustrated I got .because try as I might.I drink again. And again . I loved my wife.but I am an alcoholic .I drink beyond my will.and I would have drank myself to death. Going to jail being in jail knowing it was a direct result of my drinking .did not produce the power. My intelect, character.self knowledge. I got drunk on every emotion.on purpose and some times I just wanted to just get one. I chanced the lie. The illusion that today was gonna be different. Other people were drinking then going home.not me . I would wake up and promise my self that I was not gonna drink.and because I. Am a drunk the time and place would come when the most desire not to drink out of want or neccesity.I mind and the insane idea that I could have one drink would win out . The only way I found out how to stop drinking and stay stopped. Was this solution. Spiritual in nature. My disease anilalates every thing worth while in life relations are distroyed.I am like the tornadoe. That tears lifes apart wifes blameless children freinds anyone including you can in crease the list. This book that is our basic text will answer your questions concerning my disease. I was in a place where I could not stop drinking not matter what. That's what alcoholics do. This was my experience.my wife left me to save her own life.

happycamper · MIP Old Timer

One group, 12 spiritual steps that work, a host of wonderful ppl to help ... Alanon!!