I am very familiar with the program and such. that said,... Im a mess of a boozer. Its 1pm and I'm trashed.
So i should start off and tell my back story..very typical... my mother was an addict. A single mother and I am an only child. We were very close ..but I felt very angry toward her for many years.
She passed about 9 years ago from an od. For a very long time I swore I would never be like that and never go to excess with drugs... but here I am 33 years old and a miserable alcoholic. fuuuu........
The worst thing im dealing with right now is that I do not want to be around my son. My son is an amazing, smart resilient young man. 10 years old and ready to take over the world but I see in him so many negative things and can trace them all back to me and my influence on him. How can I make a young man be confident and self reliant when I am not? I do not like being around him. That is a horrible thing to admit for me. I want to portray this perfect mother status. My son is very well behaved..and I have some false joy in that but I think its a joke. Im sure hes a time bomb. I know I was in a way. I was a good girl and f--ked it all up later.
Anyway... I think I am done with this. I want to better a better person. I know I can be but im so scared and ive gotten to accustomed to being drunk to deal ... dealing with life sober is so scary and I do not if its possible for me now.
i couldnt stay sober if i thought i had to do it for the rest of my life...i can only do this if i keep it to just for today, i will not drink. (even if my ass is falling off) and ya. even with some years of sobriety behind me i can still get a day like that. Try a couple of meetings, hide in the back like i did (smile) . its gonna be ok hun
Being an alcoholic does not make you a bad person. Perhaps you feel like you don't want to be around your son because of the way you are feeling about yourself right now.
Being drunk to deal with life is not news to anyone here. Believe me you are not unique in that. I was there too, just 11 months ago. Drinking daily all day, thinking not waking up would be a welcome alternative to dealing with life.
But I got help, got in to the program and my life has turned around. If you can get to a meeting (please don't drive yourself) you will find people who understand and are willing to help. Or go tomorrow. You really can have a better life. You've taken a big first step by admitting you have a problem to yourself and everyone here. Please try it, for your sake and your son's as well. Trust me, you will not be sorry.
We were all f*ck-ups once. Aren't you glad you're not alone? You're in very good company.
I couldn't get well without reaching out, I'm so glad you did today.
I was much like you and your son, I was a good girl, went to catholic schools for 12 years, was one of the very few girls who was always invited to the convent, hehe.... That made me feel good, I enjoyed the praise but I didn't actually realize how desperately frightened I was... I had to be a good girl or I would be punished. I lived in an alcoholic home where I had no idea what was going to happen next, constant anxiety and tension.
My children grew up in it too, our home was full of dysfunction. My children were model children just like me, always at the top of their class, always winning the awards. Today, I am seeing signs of the disease in my son... not sure about my daughter yet (they are in their 20's.)
The best thing I ever did for myself is keep my butt in the middle of a program of recovery. When I had doubts and wanted to do it my way again... things didn't go well, I suffered again and again. I had surround myself with the people who were freely offering to help me, all I had to do was show up. I didn't know how to love myself (like you, I came from an alcoholic family) but this fellowship kept loving me. There has been a ripple effect, I am a much more loving mother.... my kids WANT to be around me today because I am not so sick and selfish.
If you truly want to be a better person, AA will show you how. It worked for me, and it will work for you. You can trust this. (((hugs)))
Welcome, we are all here for you. Please get to a meeting tomorrow, or if you can find a ride go tonight. The people there will welcome you with open arms. You can do it!
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Hello Pagedown! Glad you found us! We are not bad people trying to get good,we are sick people trying to get well. This illness permeates all parts of our lives and others lives.....Stick around,follow suggestions and get to work on finding "a new way to live".We are here for each other!!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
I was very familiar with the program too, but still kept getting drunk. I couldnt figure out what was wrong.
When I finally realized that booze was gonna kill me, and that I wanted to stay sober and live a good life more than i wanted to stay drunk and live the horrible life I was living, is when I got serious about staying sober.
When I had , had enough pain, hurt, remorse, shame, guilt and the like is when I said enough is enough. Im done!! And then, I surrendered.
And then I became willing to do whatever it took not to drink. Been sober ever since , because of God, and the life changing program and fellowships of Alcoholics Anonymous.
pagedown, you admit to being drunk when you posted this. I would challenge you to return when sober, tell us a little more about your attempts to stop up to this point (if any). Then we'll have a better idea where to go with this.
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
The best thing you could ever do for your son would be to work on yourself. Just like they say when you get on a airplane..."if the cabin looses pressure fix your own mask before attempting to help others".
We where all once stuck in our selfish behaviors and excuses, harming all those around us.
Alcohol is not your our friend, it's just really bad, crappy relationship we become comfortable with. We don't need the thing that is killing us (alcohol) to live life, it will only keep us in the living hell.
You are familiar with the program, you know there is a solution, none of us are unique or different we are all just garden variety alcoholics, some may have been dealt better or worse circumstances, all can recover if they are willing to go to any lengths.
It's good that you took the step to write on the forum and acknowledge your issues, hope you can get to some meetings and detox if needed.
The promises have come true for all who have worked for them (below).
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the
word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Welcome, and I appreciate your honesty. (I just joined here yesterday, though I've been sober for a little while now).
The main thing I would say in response to your being worried about failing to make your son into a confident person is that you can't transmit something that you don't have. It's evident from your post that your opinion of yourself is not too wonderful, to say the least. And there is a simple solution to that, but it's not always easy.
I'm not one to tell people what the are "going to have to do", but if you are pretty convinced that you have a problem, then get yourself to a meeting, find a sponsor, and get into the steps.
When I was dealing with everything in my life as a drunk, I know that I was doing that because it was my way. And I had to come to terms with the fact that my way very nearly killed me. I had to give in to trying things a different way. Sure it was scary, and I didn't really WANT to. But once I decided to do this deal (the program of AA), I knew it couldn't be about what I wanted anymore.
I can only tell you that it CAN get better. (Some things get worse before they get better, even in sobriety, but the main thing is that we go through life without feeling the need to drink over anything, and that in itself is a whole world of improvement- it really is a miracle). It has to be something that you want for yourself- don't do it primarily for your son, or for anybody else, for that matter. But a better life is certainly there, if you want it.
Welcome pagedown! I'm so glad you found this board. These people are awesome and full of wisdom and inspiration.
I was JUST like you 28 days ago. I felt like an absolute failure and the worthless feeling just throbbed in my stomach. I was desperate and didn't know what to do.
I reached out to this board and they offered me encouragement. If you're like me, you roll your eyes when most of them tell you to "just go to a meeting". I know I rolled my eyes and thought they were crazy. But they aren't!!! The meetings can start you on an amazing journey toward recovery.
Please, please stay with this board. Dig deep inside you and make that leap toward sobriety. It's so worth it.
Hallo Pagedwon - i am so glad you are here - i only joined yesterday and with all this support from the people in this group things can only get better! And they WILL!
