I got a sponsor early on in my recovery. All was going well and we used to talk a lot. I would always ring and she would answer when she could and if she couldn't, we would usually talk every few days and I started working on the steps. I am now on step 4. We didn't fall out but unfortunately she began to get very negative about others at meetings and started to suffer from depression from what I could make out. I had lunch one day with an old timer and I could tell that it did not go down well as she does not particularly like the person. At this stage, I felt I needed to pull back so while I am cordial and do stay in contact, am not considering continuing on with the sponsor sponsee relationship. I am ok about this decision as I am in service so I'll wait and see about another sponsor. I can't do the game playing or that bull anymore. I am grateful for what help she did give me and I certainly won't forget it, I just cannot continue with someone who shuts me out at present.
hi Maire, there are no rules about how many sponsors you can have, so it would seem it is time for you to find a different sponsor, and let the first one know she is off the hook. if she is suffering from depression, she will be relieved. suggest to her that she get in touch with her sponsor, she needs someone to talk to, for sure. anyway, if there is someone with lots of sober time that you respect, ask her or as many as it takes to find someone who can help you proceed with your steps. if there is a womens AA meeting you attend, ask there for help. keep on doing and reading. jj/sheila
Hi Maire! nice meeting you. For me,I would definitely approach my sponsor and let them know why I was moving on.It would be difficult but honesty is what we are working toward and by doing so you will also help your sponsor examine their own behavior and hopefully make adjustments....Though things don't always work out,you have been helped in the past and a meeting releasing her from sponsorship may be most beneficial. .You also don't want to over time slowly simmer up a resentment, I am not saying that would happen,but it is a possibility.. .We are one helping another and it sounds like your sponsor needs your help.Sponsor/sponcee relationships have all sorts of inuendo's. This is my stuff and I thank you for sharing.Let us know how it goes...peace...
__________________
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
To me my sponsor is and always will be the person that " carried THE message to me ". I worked with one person for 18months before I found my sponsor. I even called the first person I worked with my sponsor and even asked him to be my sponsor. But in reflection of what I have encountered and what has unfolded in my journey, my "sponsor" is and always will be the second alcoholic that I worked with and still work with today. He is my friend and my teacher and has taught me how to live , I was going to say again , but who am I kidding, it'd live , as in for the first time. I admire what he has and he has the skills to show me how to get my version of "it" too.
Thankyou for the creation of Alcoholics Anonymous
Jamie D
-- Edited by Jamie D on Friday 28th of January 2011 07:28:32 PM
-- Edited by Jamie D on Friday 28th of January 2011 07:29:16 PM
-- Edited by Jamie D on Friday 28th of January 2011 07:30:05 PM
Just out of curiosity.. was the old timer you had lunch with same sex? And, do you know why your sponsor does not care for this person, is there valid reason?
There is not a valid reason to my knowledge. In any case I need someone who is available. I am happy to ring every day and I certainly don't expect my sponsor to ring me. However, I am mindful of my sobriety and am anxious to work the steps. I am grateful for all the help I have received and I will be honest but kind about this situation. Thanks for all your responses.
-- Edited by maire rua on Saturday 29th of January 2011 11:18:01 AM
When I switched primary sponsors it felt like I was either quitting a job or breaking up with someone. Not so. I was just adding another mentor to my list of mentors.
I have had several sponsors. A couple were a great fit and a few simply were not. That's ok. The old sponsors are still attending my home group meetings. Wea er still friends in AA, no awkwardness. The person who answered that you are simply adding mentors was spot on, at least in MY experience.
As a sponsor, I would want what's best for the sponsee. If that's me, great, if not, I would sure hope that they would not stay with me out of some weird misplaced loyalty.
Much like a good doc should not be threatened by a second opinion, if h/she honestly want what's ultimately best for the patient.
I have also been in that spot, but I would suggest to hold off on the fourth and fifth step until you have found a new comfortable sponsor. This should not be held off for lond though.
Hello Marie :^). Guess I'll start getting to know all in this tread.
I'm almost six years old, have had a few home groups and have had four sponsors. Two sponsors began to have mental problems that I didn't know about, but did found out later. They felt they couldn't share with me. That left me wondering what I did wrong and I being the good little drunk I am I started taking their inventory.
In all honesty I didn't trust my first sponsor with my 5th Step. She looked and acted like too much of a lady to listen to my lists. I just couldn't do it and today I can't remember what explanation I gave, all I know is I didn't tell the truth.
I sponsor too and very much understand that my main duty to my sponsees is to help them work the steps. But, I am also human, and somedays I have a hard time being every thing everyone wants me to be. I do my very best to walk my talk, some will disagree :). The sponsor I have now is going through some physical pain and I guess you could say I sponsor her a little ;). I hope she continues to be my sponsor until.... But we never know.
One saying that has helped me is "My sponsor is not a reflection of me and I do not reflect her", unless I'm doing something right ;). Another one "people will always let me down.". Why? Because they are not God. When I accepted that, I found that I started relying on God and less on people. Please don't think I'm saying I don't need people, I do!!! My God speaks to me through them and they help me look at me.
Bottom line on recovery, I have to be honest with myself, including my motives and ask myself is this going to enhance my recovery. The selfish part. My sobriety comes first, but not at the expense of another's.
Thank you for the topic, I got to look at myself again :)
Oh!! For today, I am good friends with all my ex's ;)
