Yeah the street is less messy, but still pretty messy. I cannot stop beating myself up. I am fearful of the future. It's like all of the sudden, I hit the backwards promises and I feel like a total newcomer. I have not had cravings to drink, but have had some regarding smoking cigarettes. I am getting depressed and losing faith that things will work out. I know self-pity is my enemy. I have many tools at my disposal. I also have depression and anxiety that is triggered by too much stress. I'm not going to drink today, but dang...I could use some stronger faith and a better attitude. I do love MIP and wish all of you the best.
Mark
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
step 0 : This shit's gotta stop step .5 : Put the bat down
Now this may seem off the wall, but what about working the steps out of the book with someone who has a good working knowledge of them?
Every Issue I have seen you face in the last six months is actually covered in masterful detail in the steps, I am surprised you haven't shown up here with a lot of solution from your sponsor, this stuff is truly basic and frankly, why we work the steps
ONLY 31 PAGES LATER THE BEDEVILMENTS
ARE REPLACED BY THE PROMISES
THE BEDEVILMENTS (page 52)
THE PROMISES (page 83)
We were having trouble with personal relationships.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away.
We couldn't control our emotional natures.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we know peace.
We were a prey to misery and depression.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
We couldn't make a living.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We had a feeling of uselessness.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We were full of fear.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We were unhappy.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We couldn't seem to be of real help to other people.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how your experience can benefit others. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
And, most of all,
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
The common misperception about having a "hardcore" sponsor, or doing a "fearless and thorough" 4th step is it involves beating ourselves up, nothing could be further from the truth, which is these actions set us free from the bondage of self, if we can learn to turn the baseball bat from ourselves, on to the things which are blocking us from happiness and having any sort of relationship with those around us, the results are liberating
when A.A. suggests a fearless moral inventory, it must seem to every newcomer that more is being asked of him than he can do. Both his pride and his fear beat him back every time he tries to look within himself. Prides says, "You need not pass this way," and Fear says, "You dare not look!" But the testimony of A.A.'s who have really tried a moral inventory is that pride and fear of this sort turn out to be bogeymen, nothing else. Once we have a complete willingness to take inventory, and exert ourselves to do the job thoroughly, a wonderful light falls upon this foggy scene. As we persist, a brand-new kind of confidence is born, and the sense of relief at finally facing ourselves is indescribable. These are the first fruits of Step Four.
By now the newcomer has probably arrived at the following conclusions: that his character defects, representing instincts gone astray, have been the primary cause of his drinking and his failure at life; that unless he is now willing to work hard at the elimination of the worst of these defects, both sobriety and peace of mind will still elude him; that all the faulty foundation of his life will have to be torn out and built anew on bedrock. Now willing to commence the search for his own defects, he will ask, "Just how do I go about this? How do I take inventory of myself?"
By finding a competent and loving sponsor who can walk me through the steps, and by loving I mean someone willing to tell me the truth, now a good sponsor does this by telling stories from his own experience, that made me laugh, made me forgive myself, but also helped me see how I had been harming myself and others.
"More will be revealed" is one of our "trademark slogans" because it's true
Take a read, see if this is something that would appeal to you
Step Four
"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves"
CREATION gave us instincts for a purpose. Without them we wouldn't be complete human beings. If men and women didn't exert themselves to be secure in their persons, made no effort to harvest food or construct shelter, there would be no survival. If they didn't reproduce, the earth wouldn't be populated. If there were no social instinct, if men cared nothing for the society of one another, there would be no society. So these desires-for the sex relation, for material and emotional security, and for companionship-are perfectly necessary and right, and surely God-given.
Yet these instincts, so necessary for our existence, often far exceed their proper functions. Powerfully, blindly, many times subtly, they drive us, dominate us, and insist upon ruling our lives. Our desires for sex, for material and emotional security, and for an important place in society often tyrannize us. When thus out of joint, man's natural desires cause him great trouble, practically all the trouble there is. No human being, however good, is exempt from these troubles. Nearly every serious emotional problem can be seen as a case of misdirected instinct. When that happens, our great natural assets, the instincts, have turned into physical and mental liabilities. Step Four is our vigorous and painstaking effort to discover what these liabilities in each of us have been, and are. We want to find exactly how, when and where our natural desires have warped us. We wish to look squarely at the unhappiness this has caused others and ourselves. By discovering what our emotional deformities are, we can move toward their correction. Without a willing and persistent effort to do this, there can be little sobriety or contentment for us. Without a searching and fearless moral inventory, most of us have found that the faith which really works in daily living is still out of reach.
Before tackling the inventory problem in detail, let's have a closer look at what the basic problem is. Simple examples like the following take on a world of meaning when we think about them. Suppose a person places sex desire ahead of everything else. In such a case, this imperious urge can destroy his chances for material and emotional security as well as his standing in the community. Another may develop such an obsession for financial security that he wants to do nothing but hoard money. Going to the extreme, he can become a miser, or even a recluse who denies himself both family and friends.
Nor is the quest for security always expressed in terms of money. How frequently we see a frightened human being determined to depend completely upon a stronger person for guidance and protection. This weak one, failing to meet life's responsibilities with his own resources, never grows up. Disillusionment and helplessness are his lot. In time all his protectors either flee or die, and he is once more left alone and afraid. We have also seen men and women who go power-mad, who devote themselves to attempting to rule their fellows. These people often throw to the winds every chance for legitimate security and a happy family life. Whenever a human being becomes a battleground for the instincts, there can be no peace.
But that is not all of the danger. Every time a person imposes his instincts unreasonably upon others, unhappiness follows. If the pursuit of wealth tramples upon people who happen to be in the way, then anger, jealousy, and revenge are likely to be aroused. If sex runs riot, there is a similar uproar. Demands made upon other people for too much attention, protection, and love can only invite domination or revulsion in the protectors themselves-two emotions quite as unhealthy as the demands which evoked them. When an individual's desire for prestige becomes uncontrollable, whether in the sewing circle or at the international conference table, other people suffer and often revolt. This collision of instincts can produce anything from a cold snub to a blazing revolution. In these ways we are set in conflict not only with ourselves, but with other people who have instincts, too. Alcoholics especially should be able to see that instinct run wild in themselves is the underlying cause of their destructive drinking. We have drunk to drown feelings of fear, frustration, and depression. We have drunk to escape the guilt of passions, and then have drunk again to make more passions possible. We have drunk for vainglory-that we might the more enjoy foolish dreams of pomp and power. This perverse soul-sickness is not pleasant to look upon. Instincts on rampage balk at investigation. The minute we make a serious attempt to probe them, we are liable to suffer severe reactions.
If temperamentally we are on the depressive side, we are apt to be swamped with guilt and self-loathing. We wallow in this messy bog, often getting a misshapen and painful pleasure out of it. As we morbidly pursue this melancholy activity, we may sink to such a point of despair that nothing but oblivion looks possible as a solution. Here, of course, we have lost all perspective, and therefore all genuine humility. For this is pride in reverse. This is not a moral inventory at all; it is the very process by which the depressive has so often been led to the bottle and extinction.
If, however, our natural disposition is inclined to self-righteousness or grandiosity, our reaction will be just the opposite. We will be offended at A.A.'s suggested inventory. No doubt we shall point with pride to the good lives we thought we led before the bottle cut us down. We shall claim that our serious character defects, if we think we have any at all, have been caused chiefly by excessive drinking. This being so, we think it logically follows that sobriety-first, last, and all the time-is the only thing we need to work for. We believe that our one-time good characters will be revived the moment we quit alcohol. If we were pretty nice people all along, except for our drinking, what need is there for a moral inventory now that we are sober?
We also clutch at another wonderful excuse for avoiding an inventory. Our present anxieties and trouble, we cry, are caused by the behavior of other people-people who really need a moral inventory. We firmly believe that if only they'd treat us better, we'd be all right. Therefore we think our indignation is justified and reasonable-that our resentments are the "right kind." We aren't the guilty one. They are!
At this stage of the inventory proceedings, our sponsors come to the rescue. They can do this, for they are the carriers of A.A.'s tested experience with Step Four. They comfort the melancholy one by first showing him that his case is not strange or different, that his character defects are probably not more numerous or worse than those of anyone else in A.A. This the sponsor promptly proves by talking freely and easily, and without exhibitionism, about his own defects, past and present. This calm, yet realistic, stocktaking is immensely reassuring. The sponsor probably points out that the newcomer has some assets which can be noted along with his liabilities. This tends to clear away morbidity and encourage balance. As soon as he begins to be more objective, the newcomer can fearlessly, rather than fearfully, look at his own defects.
The sponsors of those who feel they need no inventory are confronted with quite another problem. This is because people who are driven by pride of self unconsciously blind themselves to their liabilities. These newcomers scarcely need comforting. The problem is to help them discover a chink in the walls their ego has built, through which the light of reason can shine.
First off, they can be told that the majority of A.A. members have suffered severely from self-justification during their drinking days. For most of us, self-justification was the maker of excuses; excuses, of course, for drinking, and for all kinds of crazy and damaging conduct. We had made the invention of alibis a fine art. We had to drink because times were hard or times were good. We had to drink because at home we were smothered with love or got none at all. We had to drink because at work we were great successes or dismal failures. We had to drink because our nation had won a war or lost a peace. And so it went, ad infinitum. We thought "conditions" drove us to drink, and when we tried to correct these conditions and found that we couldn't to our entire satisfaction, our drinking went out of hand and we became alcoholics. It never occurred to us that we needed to change ourselves to meet conditions, whatever they were.
But in A.A. we slowly learned that something had to be done about our vengeful resentments, self-pity, and unwarranted pride. We had to see that every time we played the big shot, we turned people against us. We had to see that when we harbored grudges and planned revenge for such defeats, we were really beating ourselves with the club of anger we had intended to use on others. We learned that if we were seriously disturbed, our first need was to quiet that disturbance, regardless of who or what we thought caused it.
To see how erratic emotions victimized us often took a long time. We could perceive them quickly in others, but only slowly in ourselves. First of all, we had to admit that we had many of these defects, even though such disclosures were painful and humiliating. Where other people were concerned, we had to drop the word "blame" from our speech and thought. This required great willingness even to begin. But once over the first two or three high hurdles, the course ahead began to look easier. For we had started to get perspective on ourselves, which is another way of saying that we were gaining in humility. Of course the depressive and the power-driver are personality extremes, types with which A.A. and the whole world abound. Often these personalities are just as sharply defined as the examples given. But just as often some of us will fit more or less into both classification. Human beings are never quite alike, so each of us, when making an inventory, will need to determine what his individual character defects are. Having found the shoes that fit, he ought to step into them and walk with new confidence that he is at last on the right track.
Now let's ponder the need for a list of the more glaring personality defects all of us have in varying degrees. To those having religious training, such a list would set forth serious violations of moral principles. Some others will think of this list as defects of character. Still others will call it an index of maladjustments. Some will become quite annoyed if there is talk about immorality, let alone sin. But all who are in the least reasonable will agree upon one point: that there is plenty wrong with us alcoholics about which plenty will have to be done if we are to expect sobriety, progress, and any real ability to cope with life.
To avoid falling into confusion over the names these defects should be called, let's take a universally recognized list of major human failings-the Seven Deadly Sins of pride, greed, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, and sloth. It is not by accident that pride heads the procession. For pride, leading to self-justification, and always spurred by conscious or un- conscious fears, is the basic breeder of most human difficulties, the chief block to true progress. Pride lures us into making demands upon ourselves or upon others which cannot be met without perverting or misusing our God-given instincts. When the satisfaction of our instincts for sex, security, and society becomes the sole object of our lives, then pride steps in to justify our excesses.
All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own right. Then fear, in turn, generates more character defects. Unreasonable fear that our instincts will not be satisfied drives us to covet the possessions of others, to lust for sex and power, to become angry when our instinctive demands are threatened, to be envious when the ambitions of others seem to be realized while ours are not. We eat, drink, and grab for more of everything than we need, fearing we shall never have enough. And with genuine alarm at the prospect of work, we stay lazy. We loaf and procrastinate, or at best work grudgingly and under half steam. These fears are the termites that ceaselessly devour the foundations of whatever sort of life we try to build.
So when A.A. suggests a fearless moral inventory, it must seem to every newcomer that more is being asked of him than he can do. Both his pride and his fear beat him back every time he tries to look within himself. Prides says, "You need not pass this way," and Fear says, "You dare not look!" But the testimony of A.A.'s who have really tried a moral inventory is that pride and fear of this sort turn out to be bogeymen, nothing else. Once we have a complete willingness to take inventory, and exert ourselves to do the job thoroughly, a wonderful light falls upon this foggy scene. As we persist, a brand-new kind of confidence is born, and the sense of relief at finally facing ourselves is indescribable. These are the first fruits of Step Four.
By now the newcomer has probably arrived at the following conclusions: that his character defects, representing instincts gone astray, have been the primary cause of his drinking and his failure at life; that unless he is now willing to work hard at the elimination of the worst of these defects, both sobriety and peace of mind will still elude him; that all the faulty foundation of his life will have to be torn out and built anew on bedrock. Now willing to commence the search for his own defects, he will ask, "Just how do I go about this? How do I take inventory of myself?"
Since Step Four is but the beginning of a lifetime practice, it can be suggested that he first have a look at those personal flaws which are acutely troublesome and fairly obvious. Using his best judgment of what has been right and what has been wrong, he might make a rough survey of his conduct with respect to his primary instincts for sex, security, and society. Looking back over his life, he can readily get under way by consideration of questions such as these:
When, and how, and in just what instances did my selfish pursuit of the sex relation damage other people and me? What people were hurt, and how badly? Did I spoil my marriage and injure my children? Did I jeopardize my standing in the community? Just how did I react to these situations at the time? Did I burn with a guilt that nothing could extinguish? Or did I insist that I was the pursued and not the pursuer, and thus absolve myself? How have I reacted to frustration in sexual matters? When denied, did I become vengeful or depressed? Did I take it out on other people? If there was rejection or coldness at home, did I use this as a reason for promiscuity?
Also of importance for most alcoholics are the questions they must ask about their behavior respecting financial and emotional security. In these areas fear, greed, possessiveness, and pride have too often done their worst. Surveying his business or employment record, almost any alcoholic can ask questions like these: In addition to my drinking problem, what character defects contributed to my financial instability? Did fear and inferiority about my fitness for my job destroy my confidence and fill me with conflict? Did I try to cover up those feeling so inadequacy by bluffing, cheating, lying, or evading responsibility? Or by griping that others failed to recognize my truly exceptional abilities? Did I overvalue myself and play the big shot? Did I have such unprincipled ambition that I double-crossed and undercut my associates? Was I extravagant? Did I recklessly borrow money, caring little whether it was repaid or not? Was I a pinchpenny, refusing to support my family properly? Did I cut corners financially? What about the "quick money" deals, the stock market, and the races?
Businesswomen in A.A. will naturally find that many of these questions apply to them, too. But the alcoholic housewife can also make the family financially insecure. She can juggle charge accounts, manipulate the food budget, spend her afternoons gambling, and run her husband into debt by irresponsibility, waste, and extravagance.
But all alcoholics who have drunk themselves out of jobs, family, and friends will need to cross-examine themselves ruthlessly to determine how their own personality defects have thus demolished their security.
The most common symptoms of emotional insecurity are worry, anger, self-pity, and depression. These stem from causes which sometimes seem to be within us, and at other times to come from without. To take inventory in this respect we ought to consider carefully all personal relationships which bring continuous or recurring trouble. It should be remembered that this kind of insecurity may arise in any area where instincts are threatened. Questioning directed to this end might run like this: Looking at both past and present, what sex situations have cause me anxiety, bitterness, frustration, or depression? Appraising each situation fairly, can I see where I have been at fault? Did these perplexities beset me because of selfishness or unreasonable demands? Or, if my disturbance was seemingly caused by the behavior of others, why do I lack the ability to accept conditions I cannot change? These are the sort of fundamental inquiries that can disclose the source of my discomfort and indicate whether I may be able to alter my own conduct and so adjust myself serenely to self-discipline.
Suppose that financial insecurity constantly arouses these same feelings. I can ask myself to what extent have my own mistakes fed my gnawing anxieties. And if the actions of others are part of the cause, what can I do about that? If I am unable to change the present state of affairs, am I willing to take the measures necessary to shape my life to conditions as they are? Questions like these, more of which will come to mind easily in each individual case, will help turn up the root causes.
But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much. If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too, and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands. In this way our insecurity grows and festers. When we habitually try to manipulate others to our own willful desires, they revolt, and resist us heavily. Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, and a desire to retaliate. As we redouble our efforts at control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant. We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension.
Some will object to many of the questions posed, because they think their own character defects have not been so glaring. To these it can be suggested that a conscientious examination is likely to reveal the very defects the objectionable questions are concerned with. Because our surface record hasn't looked too bad, we have frequently been abashed to find that this is so simply because we have buried these selfsame defects deep down in us under thick layers of self-justification. Whatever the defects, they have finally ambushed us into alcoholism and misery.
Therefore, thoroughness ought to be the watchword when taking inventory. In this connection, it is wise to write out our questions and answers. It will be an aid to clear thinking and honest appraisal. It will be the first tangible evidence of our complete willingness to move forward.
__________________
it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Lin, I worked the first 3 steps by the book literally disecting every word. My step 4 was 20 pages worth of single spaced typing. Trust me, it was as thorough as I could do at the time.
My failure to work the steps appropriately at all times comes about in a daily 10th step. That is when I know what the solution is. In this case, I allowed pride to swell. I also allowed other character defects such as sloth and envy to run rampant too. I admitted to all of these in my 5th step. My grandsponsor already commented to me how I have work to do on what step I really need to focus on in order to address some of the issues I am having. My sponsor's take seemed to be that I do need to add to my 4th step, even though it was as thorough as I thought I could do at the time.
Also, I can add, my sponsor views himself as a step nazi, and I just view him as my support. I think I have been doing things in a pretty standard way though it may not come across in writing. Also Lin, I buy every word you write. I deeply admire your passion for the literature. You are right though. I need to focus on the solution here and it is in the steps.
While I didn't like it at first that you kept hammering the importance of the steps over the healing power of human interaction...I now know that what you state comes from your direct experience and you certainly know more than I do. I also know that the steps ARE THE PROGRAM of AA and the meetings are where you spread the message and show others how you live the steps on a daily basis. Believe me that I am humbly reading and listening to you.
Mark
Also, I didn't beat myself up in my 4th step...I'd been doing that for years. I just admitted to a bunch of stuff I already knew about me. Steps 6 and 7 were way more difficult in terms of letting go and praying to be rid of these behavior patterns. I think I stopped praying. I stopped working and I got bit in the ass. You people warned me about complacency. Damn oldtimers....always know more than me. LOL.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 26th of January 2011 09:41:41 PM
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Also, remember Lin...I am only a 2 year old in sobriety. In the past, I would be crying my ass off, ready to kill myself, and I would be drunk. The fact that I can even turn things around a little bit and respond to you with a modicum of hope and not immediate self-loathing, self-pity, and self-destruction is a sign of some progress.
I just needed some support and you actually have given it to me...so thanks :)
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Also, remember Lin...I am only a 2 year old in sobriety. In the past, I would be crying my ass off, ready to kill myself, and I would be drunk. The fact that I can even turn things around a little bit and respond to you with a modicum of hope and not immediate self-loathing, self-pity, and self-destruction is a sign of some progress.
I just needed some support and you actually have given it to me...so thanks :)
No Worries
I didn't elaborate on the "More will be revealed" part, but for me it also took a few years for this stuff to surface, I truly don't think it was a result of complacency for me (or for you) or that you "did it wrong", I think that it just takes "X" amount of time for this stuff to surface, hence "More will be revealed", truthfully I never would have made it without the human contact aspect, the "one drunk talking to another" that IS the Program, us walking each other through the mine fields, my emphasis on the steps is it's the "map", it's one drunk guiding another drunk and here's the map, and it's one size fits all
Anyhow, it was my experience I was plugging along, had worked the steps, had a fleet of sponsees, was working the steps for the third time when all this stuff caught up with me, so according to textbook I was "doing it right", hell I was one of the "doin it right guys" and I have never been so messed up in my life, it was like a pebble in my shoe that began to get larger and larger and more and more painful until I wanted to scream and cry, which frankly I did
It just takes what it takes, and when we get in enough pain we take the action to change, that's what my experience in sobriety has been, growth, complacency, pain, excruciating pain, learning the lesson and letting go, growth, complacency rinse and repeat, over time it gets easier, it happens faster, and usually I recognize the warning signs earlier, after many years I hit the "family of origin" stuff where I saw how codependency was woven into the very fabric of my existence, spent the last few years working on that, now hopefully it gets better again (which it seems to be doing slowly but surely) and tomorrow the sun will come up and I will go to work, or take a nap, and if I can make someone smile it will have been a good day
__________________
it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
I just want to add that when I talk like that, my sponsor says it's because I've got myself in the god position again.... My Higher power would NEVER bludgeon me like I do.
I just want to remind you that you are loved, Mark. You are perfectly imperfect, just like the rest of us. This is what works for me when I feel myself unraveling.... Get quiet, stop thinking, close your eyes and get still. Let your breath go to all the tension in your body and exhale the fear. Very soon you will feel your HP again. HP can't get through to me when I am paralyzed by fear. (((hugs)))
You are not alone in not consistently doing a 10th step when warranted; I know that I myself have experienced that many times over the past 24 years in A.A. What helped me in this regard was to adopt a practice of a "regular" 4th step, at least once per year (Usuallly right before my sobriety birthday so I wouldn't forget). It often has amazed me that even when I think I'm not experiencing a resentment, fears or some form of sexual misconduct, I am often baffled once I set pen to paper that I'd been walking around in denial. Bottom line is, we are not perfect, but you and Lin are correct that the answer lies in the 12 Steps, and it appears that the first such action needed based on what you've shared is an inventory (including both steps 4 and 5) to get clear with your sponsor's help on PRECISELY what's going on.
From my experience, what tends to happen after we have done some inventories is that we begin to think we can "mentally" inventory everything and we'll be fine. But, there is a unique thing that happens when we put it down on paper and then read to our sponsor EXACTLY what we wrote down without censoring it, sugar-coating it, etc.
Sorry to hear you're not in a good place, but it's good you are sharing about it.
Here is my ESH: By now we know what our defects are and when they crop up. First I like to remember rule 62, don't take yourself so damn seriously.
By now we know what our defects are and when they crop up. I think the info on pages 86-88 and the 11th step are the most under-utilized tools in our program. The people who wrote the book where drunks also...they knew there would be days like this.
We have God in our lives for a reason, we ask God for inspiration, we relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. The right answers will come, then we turn to someone we can help. It really works.
Keep the faith, you'cve come a long way!
Step Eleven suggests prayer and meditation. (some exerts)
On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.
In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while.
__________________
Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
BGG wrote:It often has amazed me that even when I think I'm not experiencing a resentment, fears or some form of sexual misconduct, I am often baffled once I set pen to paper that I'd been walking around in denial. Bottom line is, we are not perfect
we begin to think we can "mentally" inventory everything and we'll be fine. But, there is a unique thing that happens when we put it down on paper and then read to our sponsor EXACTLY what we wrote down without censoring it, sugar-coating it, etc.
In love and support,
BGG
Thank You so much for this BGG, this is exactly what I was trying to say, it's like we walk around in pain and fear for so long it's "normal", so normal in fact we don't even know it's there until we start writing
I have a friend explain it by saying at sea level the atmosphere presses against us at like 14 psi or something, we are born into this, and we live our whole lives without even knowing it's there, he said fear was like that for many of us, until we take a drink, then it just disappears, but when we stop drinking that gets taken away and my experience is stopping drinking sets a time bomb ticking, and the pressure cooker starts until eventually we get in enough pain so we either HAVE to return to drinking or work the steps (maybe again) in order to retain our sanity, and the thing is for the longest time, like BGG says we don't even know it's there, we walk around in denial. This is what AA talks about when it says we can't fix what's broken with what's broken, we can't "think" ourselves better
The biggest example I ever saw of this in myself was when I was working the steps after a break up, I put my ex'es name down and had NO resentments about her (although it had been a 10 year relationship with some BRUTAL ups and downs and she had left me for a married man she had been having an affair with, when I got to my "best friend" who had known about the affair and even sided with her, my resentments ROARED into existence, and she got about 10 pages under his name, I hadn't even known these resentments were there and I had been digging
It was just the simple act of putting pen to paper that uncovered a monster in my head that was killing me
Self knowledge avails us nothing, we can't see self with self, but when we put pen to paper all of the sudden it is like we are looking at a whole other person when we walk through it with a good and competent sponsor, who is able to point out fear, resentment, pride, ego, who is able to point out the decision we made based on self that placed us in a position to be hurt, I have found dissecting the Program isn't nearly as helpful as just doing it, any more thenn learning about exercise helps me get in shape, and even doing it poorly gets me more results then not doing it all but studying it, like jogging and running poorly burns more calories then reading about exercise
__________________
it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Hey Mark, It'll pass. Your going to have this kind a stuff in your first 3-5 years. After you've gotten through a half dozen of these periods, you'll learn how to NOT go there. It's as simple as that. Do a written gratitude list (including the basics). Write out your fears of the future. One by one, ask yourself what the worst possible scenario is. Accept that if it comes to that, you'll deal with it then knowing it'll probably not come to that. Then ask "will it kill me? Will I be maimed, tarred/feathered and run out of town?" This process will put the "future" into prospective.
John Bradshaw writes that obsessive people (like us) can get addicted to emotions, negative and positive. we can get addicted to fear, anxiety, drama, shame, guilt, sorrow... Consider that and consider not listening to your head when it starts spitting that crap out. I just turn it over to my higher power and say "I can't deal with this right now, and what's it got to do with TODAY?"
Aloha Mark...I like what Dean posted and I've experience Bradshaw personally and use to use his videos when I counseled. He was helpful for me also as why Dean mentions it.
For me simply one of the things I used in getting out of the habit of turning on myself came from my sponsor who after I told him similarly what you've said here, "I can't stop beating up on my self..." he listened and then taught me the difference twix "can't" and "won't" and I learned that I could stop beating up on myself and like others have mentioned here...hadn't learned yet how not to. Beating up on myself as a realization was a default and carried with it a thick outer layer of fear. Fear was my greatest emotional character defect from a 4th step on the emotional level and the discovery was like finding Midas's tomb. It was gold...something concrete I would work on and I have over the years done exactly that along with the other requirements of sobriety.
Today I accept that the opposite of Fear is Love and therefore where love is fear "will not" exist. The opposite is also true...where fear is Love "cannot" exist. I have the definition of Fear as False Evidence....appearing real. My mind is playing with false evidence and I need to do the work to get the picture right working with the right evidence. My mind needs therapy and I "can" go get it or "won't". Listening deeply to others in recovery is good therapy for me...these are God's instuments just as you have been at times. Time to receive rather than give. Keep coming back live only in the day.
StPeteDean wrote:Write out your fears of the future. One by one, ask yourself what the worst possible scenario is. Accept that if it comes to that, you'll deal with it then knowing it'll probably not come to that. Then ask "will it kill me? Will I be maimed, tarred/feathered and run out of town?" This process will put the "future" into prospective. I do this exact thing, I ask myself
What is the worst Possible scenario today at work?
Will it kill me?
Yes
Will it maim me?
Absolutely
Will they Tar and Feather me and run me out town on a rail?
Yes, when I knocked out the power to Oakland and Berkely those 6 times it provoked a fine flurry of correspondence to the letters to the editor
I go to work every day knowing if I make a mistake, someone is going to die, probably me, but if I hurry or worry or make a mistake there is also a good chance I will kill one of my ground crew, those boys TRUST me with their lives every day
The funny/Ironic/Sad thing was realizing one day I was in fact addicted to negative emotions, to "drama" as it were, and if there wasn't any going on I'd go out and generate some
Kind of a blow...big strong lumberjack Paramedic Bartender Surfer risk taking danger seeking mans man, devil with the ladies...a F'ing drama queen.....was not a great day for our hero
Sometimes though I'd like to take people who think fear is just some acronym like False evidence appearing real up about 150' feet up in a tree with me and blow out a 75' top where I have to land it perfectly just to hear them shriek while the top sways back and forth 20' and that sound...that sexy sexy creeeaaaak....whoooosh....ka-BLAM ground shaking as it hits....like WWII
I know that it is a helpful acronym but it's hard sometimes to sit in meetings as I listen to chainsaws and yelling in my head as my mind quiets down while people talk about how fear is imaginary
sometimes it isn't, at least for me, sometimes it's very very real, but yeah, much of the time it's just my imagination...runnin awaaay with me......
Move away from the bottom of the driveway
-- Edited by LinBaba on Thursday 27th of January 2011 09:51:57 PM
__________________
it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
This too shall pass. It takes time for the emotional rollercoaster to get to the flat section of track. Hang in there and know that it will get better.
Larry, ---------------- "Don't think of it as having a bad day--think of it as second step work."
Right now, I am just dumbstruck by how off kilter I let myself get at work and it was all because I could not deal with or get along with my boss no matter how hard I tried and no matter how hard I applied the program to it. I kept trying to use acceptance and the spiritual axiom when I needed to just move the heck on. I was meant to leave that job a long time ago but didn't have the courage to do so. Hence, the situation got out of control and thank god I didn't drink over it.
Mark
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
