I have plenty of experience with this. My husband had 3 affairs over the 7 years we were together. Those were thte 3 "I knew about."

My ex is not an alcoholc or drug addict. He is definitely a workaholic. (90-100 hour weeks, I kid you not). But there was definitely time in there somewhere to have sex and emotional relationships with other women.

I was sober every time I found out. The first time I was shocked, cried, guilted him to pieces, and hid it from my family (not from my sponsor.) I felt he derserved a second chance. He agreed to go to church and counseling with me. He went to church with me twice. He never went to couseling with me.

The second time I was not all that surprised. He had gotten "distant" again lately, and was not as interested in sex as he was at certain times of "good behavior" before.

The third time I was done. And we were already headed to divorce court, eventually. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I had not been true to myself. I thought that I could be reasonably happy with a cheater, just staying in my nice house, driving my Jaguar, and doing my own thing. After all, it was like I was living alone anyway, with his work schedule. I did not know if he was working or cheating at any given hour. I had sat back and enjoyed still being able to keep the "things" I had come to be used to... bills all paid by him, house, car, freedom to do my own thing and live my own life. After all, I did not get married til I was 32. It was like living on my own as I had before, but with more "trappings." I had already become numb to it, didn't love him any more anyway, and was not even phased when I accidentally saw another text message that I "shouldn't have seen." I never once started "looking for evidence", because my program taught me that doing so would put me in a REALLY F**Ked up state of mind, make me even more miserable, and deplete me of any serenity. I instead put myself on a high and mighty pedestal, priding myself on the smooth way in which I handled it. The truth is that I had been living with and staying with a man who I was no longer in love with, couldn't trust, wasn't having sex with, and couldn't really communicate with any more. I kept myself in that position for years, which was not honorable on my part at all.

I had been lying to myself for years. I knew I could do better. And I knew when he refused to go to counseling with me after promising the first time around, that this cheating business was not over.

I am no angel. While I can honestly say that I never once cheated on any man I either was dating, nor my husband as far as having sober "outside emotional relationships" go, I did cheat on my husband when I relapsed. It was not for emotional reasons or for sexual reasons, but it was so I could keep drinking and using the way I wanted to (it was expensive to drink Grey Goose and use cocaine.) I am not at all proud of this. It was the oldest profession in the book. I justified it by saying, "I did it because I'm a hopeless alcoholic/addict... poor girl. He did it because he's a sinister, conniving, lying selfish bastard." Ha! If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck. And I was a duck too in the end, regardless of my rationale for the behavior.

I had to face this. I think that in some way I gave myself "permission" to relapse back then because "I deserved it" and "he deserved it" and "I'll show you, I'll kill me." Buried anger. Resentment unaddressed. And when I picked up the first drink, I did not plan to have sex (alc/drugs were my lover), but if I'd thought about it I knew damn well it had happened in the past and we all know that our disease gets worse, never better.

Whatever you do, don't let this take you back out. It won't solve anything and will actually make things a lot worse. On the same token, do NOT bury ANY of your feelings about this. Don't bury the anger, rage, sadness, self pity, self-esteem problems, lack of ability to trust, or anything else that will come down the pike. Let it all hang out to counselor, support group, counseling group, sponsor, confidant. If you bury it, you are in real danger of being "fine" one day and drunk the next. This stuff is very powerful. Start dealing with your emotions and your fears and questions and potential decisions NOW, and keep doing it until you are told by your sponsor or therapist that you are ready to move on, because we can't tell whether we're on good footing or not when something this devastating happens to us. Please take it frmo someone who knows.

Whether you should give her a chance again is up to you. But don't get to a point where you sell yourself short and start "accepting your lot". If you have a nagging inclinatin in your stomach that you have to let go for YOU, then let go.

Nobody's perfect, but a sober person having a sexual and emotional relationship behind their spouse's back is totally unfair and uncool.

And like I did, picking up a drink and subsequently pulling myself down to his level as a result of buried feelings was even MORE uncool. And it was totally unfair to me. He was unfair to me, and then I had to make it worse by being unfair to myself and to the institution of marriage as well. I became, in the end, guilty as he was.

Hope this helps.

Joni

-- Edited by jonijoni1 on Tuesday 18th of January 2011 04:56:24 AM

I have been through it and it hurts like Hell, especially when my wife had an affair with my best friend, double hurt. Pray for your spouse evryday for 10 Days. It worked for me, I was able to forgive both of them. I am still married, but I havent forgotten. It's been 10 years and I've only been sober for 5 and a half.
Dont rush to change things, think it thru, talk it thru, and Pray

I've been through it.  It helped me a little to read the chapter to the Wife and the Family afterwards in the Big Book.  When it first occurred to me that my wife was having an emotional relationship with our closest friend I was crushed & lost for words.  Went spent summer vacations together, he, his wife and kids and my family.  His wife spent a week in bed- deep dark depressive episode.  The biggest thing to me was this was all hiding from both of us.  Dishonesty was a huge issue with me.  Denying it even when I had proof.....  If there's one thing AA has taught me and instilled in me is honesty.  If I'm lied to there's going to be issues......

What I did was work on myself.  I did this by continuing to work my AA program:  attending meetings, pray, step 10, 11 & 12 (on a daily basis) and working closely with my Sponsor.  Sponsee's actually started to come into my life around this time.  A gift from God. 

My Sponsor always told me if I didn't drink and worked my program I couldn't screw this up.  If I was meant to be with my wife, I would be.  If I wasn't, there was nothing I could do to make it work.  He also reminded me; that if I didn't know what to do- that I was to do nothing.  God would reveal more if I sought his guidance.  I was also taught that I didn't have to be an investigator; that God would reveal more.  Faith & trust in my Higher Power was huge.  I also worked on me enough to get to a point where I could live with or without my wife.  Then it was just a decision.  I was ready to accept the consequences of any decision that I made. 

God revealed more to me over time(his time) that the relationship I was in was unhealthy and I was settling for less.  He also revealed that nothing changes if nothing changes.  That I was going in 1 direction and she was still the same.  I was patient and things just got woarse.  To this day; she has never verbalized her part in any of our relationship woes??????  It was always my fault...... I was the one who needs to change again.....  I'm to far to the left, I need to bring it back to the middle etc..........   I need to change to meet her ever changing needs/demands.  I learned that I'm not powerful enough to make her happy......

I came to a cross road where the fear of the future(unknown) was less than the pain I suffered from this relationship- basically roommates for the last year and a half.  No intmacy, one way communication, doing more than my 50% share in the relationship etc..........

I learned to love my self enough to change the things in my life that weren't working.  My wife and I are now divorcing.  Even up to this point; God has revealed more to me that I'm going in the right direction.  Faith & trust in my God has been huge. 

Keep in mind; that my number one goal when I came into AA was to get my wife back.  Goes to show one the power of AA & God.  A total personalty change can occur by working the entire program of AA.  The Promises do come true and a Spiritual Awakening awaits all those who participate. 

I hope this E, S & H helped.  It help me to write it out.

My wife started an affair with a co-worker just before I got sober.  I was blissfully unaware of it for YEARS.  I was the epitome of gullibility. Being a newly sober alcoholic, it was easy for me to take the blame for any problems in the relationship.  She wasn't the alcoholic, I was.  But in fact many of our intimate moments were taken up by her going on and on and on about how much she hated this womanizing co-worker, how he was on the phone to his girlfriends all day and dodging calls from his wife, etc.  It just never dawned on me that she was one of his girlfriends.  I really did think she totally hated the guy.

I actually found out about it after it was over, after she had made plans to leave me for someone new. I did some backtracking and followed the evidence trail.  Now this all happened very, very quickly.  I went from "happily married" to cast-out, cheated on doubly, and 5 years of cuckolding instantly. 

I didn't drink.  I will probably never understand exactly what my part in all of this was.  I simply failed to be what my wife thought I should be, and of course her thoughts were a mystery behind the veil of "Why can't you just be NORMAL"?  As if either of these guys who "replaced" me could be called normal.  LOL.

It was 13 more years before I was in a real relationship again.

Barisax

I feel bad for you Chester .. and dont know what to tell you to do.
I know what to tell you NOT to do, and that is to NOT drink.

Drinking will not change the facts.

@Mike B. You have a very good sponsor, you are blessed no doubt!!