what i think i learned from my slip most of all is that i don't love myself enough yet. I was going through my days thinking i'm strong, courageous, and ok.
i'm not
i stopped praying like i was early in my sobriety, no meditation like before. Just going through the days kind of numb.
it only works if i work it.
i have a long way to go but i don't have to be in a rush to get there either, and some days i was.
i don't believe in luck Rick. but i do believe in destiny.
us fine folks who taste recovery aren't destined to die, but to live and to help others.
i was thinking this morning about how i'm supposed to want more for others than for myself.
well i think i've been pretty self-centered and selfish for the past while now. Thinking about me, me, me
i've been acting like a good little alcoholic that way and it took me to picking up. I made the choice. Maybe it WAS so that i could beat myself up for it.
but in the long run it just wasn't worth it. Even 4 days later i still don't feel good, very tired, no energy, still numb.
i made it out of hell again, i don't know if i will next time. I don't want there to be a next time.
So i have work to do if i don't want that.
i think i'm safe in saying you don't want to live in that hell either Rick. YOu can start your day over. You're choice.
it's my belly button birthday today, i'm 39 years old. I still act like a freaking teen ager. I think my 16 year old has more maturity some days than i do. But i guess i put her through enough to make her what she is today.
don't give up Rick. I'm not giving up on you no matter what!
even though i slipped i still have faith in myself and in our program.
i liked the Courage to Change reading today so i'll share it:
September 8
Is there anything that stands in the way of my trusting in a Higher Power? What obstacles block me from turning over my will and my life to God? In my case, the answer is obvious: I want gaurentees. I hold out, thinking that I'll come up with a new solution to my problems even though I've tried and failed, again and again. The risk of faith seems so great. If I turn a situation over, I won't be in control. I can't be sure I'll get my way.
Yet I want recovery. If I continue to do what I have always done, I will continue to get what I have always gotten. I want the benefits that this spiritual program has to offer. Therefore, I must thake the risk and let go and let God.
Maybe faith will bring me the results I seek, maybe not. Although there are no gaurentees, the benefits of building a strong relationship with a Higher Power can help me grow confident, strong, and capable of coping with whatever comes to pass long after this particular crisis has been resolved.
Today's reminder
Today I will make a contribution to my spritiual developement. I will try to identify the obstacles that block my faith.
"Understanding is the reward of faith. Therefore, seek not to understand that thou mayest believe, but believe that thou mayest understand." Aurelius Augustinus
In my minds eye i pick my family here on MIP and place us all in His hand, including myself
The strength and courage you need is in your heart, go there.
