Hi all. Just making an effort to reach out. I think once I have practiced this long enough, I will become more used to picking up phone and posting and doing other things to tell on my disease.
I am very tired as I only got a couple hours sleep last night (insomnia... UGH.) I napped for 2 hours today on the couch. Woke up cranky. Went to bank and got gas. Came home and upon walking in the door, thought "It would be fun and relaxing to go to the local bar, have a couple beers and maybe play some pool." Then my mind wandered more, and I was checking my purse to see how many dollars I had left, and if I could afford a "couple beers".
Something tapped me on the shoulder and said, "tell on it." So I texted a couple people, and a friend from here, who called me right away and I talked about it.
Strange, but this is one of the things I never "got before", even with some extended "sobriety". I would not even think of picking up the phone; not because of pride or fear, just because it simply would not occur to me. My mind would automatically just try to dismiss it. Sometimes it worked. When it didn't, relapse. My friend reminded me that "We can't will it away" (the disease/urges). My will, or my solo attempts to combat the stinkin' thinkin' doesn't work.
Pretty sad that it took me ALL this time to get something so simple, which I have heard over and over, thousands of times. I am grateful today, and I think better conscious contact with God helped me to actually "hear" him tapping, for once.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Hey Jonijoni, I went through the same thing. I never called anyone, when I had an urge to drink/drug. Either I did or I didn't. Then my first great sponsor laid out the his rules (suggestions lol), said I needed to call him if I got the slightest urge to drink, and go straight to a meeting. I worked with practice. Oh sure you could say that I just didn't want it badly enough, but I kept going to meetings, nobody made me. I just couldn't get past 2 months for the first two years. Weird thing was I didn't feel shameful about it, I wasn't feeling my feelings at all.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Friday 14th of January 2011 06:04:48 PM
Thinking about drinking is not abnormal for me from time to time.
When the thinking turns into me planning in out with actions to actually drink, then Id better be prepared to take action to make sure I dont drink.
The kit of spiritual tools are always there for me, and I have no mental defense against that first drink, it MUST come from a Power greater than me ... who is God.
In treatment they taught us something called AVRT (http://www.positiveatheism.org/rw/nutshell.htm). It's basically just a trick of naming your addictive voice, like it's a beast living in your head. So if you find yourself thinking, "I want a drink," try recasting it as, "The Beast wants a drink." It's a good reminder that even though we want to do the right thing, there will always be a little monster living in our brains trying to get us to do the wrong thing, and even though we may never stop hearing it, that doesn't mean we need to act on its demands. Good luck and hugs!
I've been around people who were drinking and recently was just staring at someone's drink going..."Hrm..it would just be so easy to pick that up and swallow it and that would fuck up everything I worked for over a 2 year period." It was odd. It could all be gone just by the simple act of me picking up that liquid and swallowing it.
I think it's important to differentiate between a thought of drinking and actually really craving it. I have random stupid thoughts...but I know the difference between a random mind wandering thought and a "It sure would be nice to have a drink" thought.
I think it's good you told on yourself...Always better safe than sorry.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
(((((Joni))))) wanna know one of the things that helped me get less of that head kick? Dr. Harry Tiebout and his lessons on the difference between submission and surrender...the conscious surrender versus the subconscious surrender. The man was a huge friend and foundation rock to sobriety. Look it up and keep forcing your recovery out of your head into your gut. Yes HP can tap shoulders are we not blessed? ((((hugs))))
Thank you, my friends. I got to 2 meetings last night. My sponsor and I had a terrific chat too. I talked about my thougths at the first meeting which was a discussion, and got a lot of feedback and support. I felt great, and completely freed by the time I got home.
Dean--- interesting thing to think about,,,, "I wasn't feeling my feelilngs at all." Interesting.
Twelvesteps--- I love that idea. When I was starting over in the first few days back in December, I found an old empty bottle under my kitchen sink. As I put it in a plastic bag for the grabage, I called it "Jail". I took it out to the dumpster and yelled, "good riddance, JAIL!!!" and threw it so hard into the dumpster it shattered.
Pinkchip--- I get what you're saying. Every thought does not turn into an obsession for me. BUT... I cannot differentiate right now what needs to be told on, and what doesn't. So I am going to keep telling on EVERY single thought I have about drinking. I think I need to do this enough times- every time- to create a "new habit".
Jerry--- I will look up Dr. Tiebout.... thank you for the suggestion!
Thanks again, all. ((((((((hugginz)))))))))
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
