SoberSteve's thread reminds me that there are a lot of us who have bought the title of this thread. It's a funny expression of cynicism... I first heard it in the 70s I think. In spite of my disease, I can't say I ever really bought into it. I had my moments of desperation certainly - both before, during, and after my drinking career. But for whatever reason, my life experience did not turn me into a total cynic.
In order to be willing to go to any length to get sober, I had to have some belief that it was going to be worth it. I really didn't know what I was headed for. Sure I had some fantasy outcomes, but basically I saw people around me who seemed to enjoy life and got along with it better than I did. When I came to AA and met the happy sober people enjoying life, I was all the more sure of it.
So I can't say I've been where Steve is at - certainly not on a long term basis. But I'm sure many of us have been. What did you do to turn around? Did you have some shred to cling to, as I did, that life basically is good, and can be good? Or did you just start walking the walk without any belief whatsoever, and discovered it along the way?
This is basically step 2 - and there are those who have done that step before getting to AA, and those who have done it after. I did my second step in the parking lot before the first meeting although I didn't know what it was at the time. I came to that clubhouse, and I believed that inside that door was a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. Whatever sanity was!
But I can also comprehend those who come with only willingness... or only a shred of willingness... and no belief at all. What made you willing? Why choose life over death? What was that tiny spark of life left that re-ignited your spirit?
My entire life pre-AA was based on that premise, life's a bitch then you die so I better have as much fun, sleep with as many women, live as much life before someone threw dirt on my face, because it was all empty and meaningless anyway, but my "plan", my "solution" for life turned on me and my answer became "the problem"
When I came to AA I saw something in the eyes of people at meetings that I had never seen before, people who were like me, I spent my entire life feeling different, feeling afraid, feeling unique, something happened in that first meeting when I listened to the people there, I "identified" in the jargon, I discovered I wasn't alone, I wasn't unique, that there were other people just like me, and they were happy
I can't convey the hope that gave me, and I wanted that for me
So I did what they did, went where they went, to get what they got
and it worked
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Hi bill recovered alcoholic, leaving aside the drink problem . I continued to run my life . I didn't do any thing but go to meeting not drink and pray ! Oh and I , got into a relationship made other major decisions lol ran my life into the ground .then got a sponsor . Although I was grateful not to drink being alcoholic I become restless irritable and discontented. As I looked overf my life and how I managed it . I began to realize that I sucked at it and that I would have to surrender even more of it . And for me it was compartment after compartment. I was very selfish ans self centered . Self reliance .was never enough and I. By his grace started trusting him and relying on the fact that he will keep me and releive me of my alcoholism . And he has . Thank god for putting in my path a guy who was just like me and had this solution. . . I now have a purpose and can be helpful can control my emotions . And I have a god of my understanding. I am the only one who can kill me I have doing it my whole life before this process. Powerless .full flight from reality outright mental defective half retarded that's me ! I develope the phenomenon of craving when I start drinking. Thwre are blank spots that prevent me from remembering the pissed on pants from the last time I drank. When I found out I was hopeless and helpless .out of ideas . I found hope thru surrender . I am a real one nothing you can do or say that will save me I am beyond help thru human aid. Life is no longer a bitch ! And I am reborn from the death that was of my own making. Thank god for a 12 step program . So many want it and die . But for the grace of god. And his mercy.
I knew I had some abilities and still had a lot left to lose. I chose to live because I didn't want the elevator to sink even lower. It was just about to hit jail and/or rehab (not that I look down on those who got to that point before getting sober)...I didn't want to go there and that is when it became more important than anything that I stay sober.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
For me, I had things that I cared about. I still had a family, a job - actually a pretty good one - my hobbies. I had always done those things, and my passion before I started drinking was in my hobbies - music, photography, other things. I saw that my drinking had edged out everything else... I was sitting in my basement in a beat up recliner, surrounded by all the things I loved, but doing nothing but drinking. I sensed I had lost something and had something still to lose. I've had my difficulties in life, and alcohol was a convenient solution to all of them, so it seemed - until it became the problem, and was blocking me from enjoying anything else. And as I found out, it was blocking me from growth - totally - because when I stopped drinking, I basically found myself nothing more than a clueless teenager - certainly that's what I was emotionally. For whatever reason, I didn't fear this or find myself repulsed by it... I was actually happy to discover this sensitive kid that I thought I had drowned in alcohol years before, was still with me and getting another chance.
Well stated Barisax. I could say every word of that was also true for me too. Alcohol had just about taken away everything I loved and it was working on taking my life.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I didn't even know it was alcoholism and didn't know that I didn't know. I knew my life was beyond bitch...it was over. I was heading toward another suicide attempt but before I got there did some yelling up at a empty parking lot light one night asking if there were any space ships "up there" that could and would come down and take me on as a passenger. I find out that God listens thru a filter and doesn't have any space ships of God's own, so what God musta heard was that someone needed help and that Al-Anon and AA were the best place for someone who prays like that.
Wallah!! God does better assessments than I do. "But for the grace of God".
I did have that attitude. Very cynical, very convinced that nothing I did mattered. But the abyss of alcoholism was more terrifying than the abyss of ennui.
I knew, as kind of an intellectual exercise, that our actions often effect our attitude, so I started living my life AS IF it mattered.
Getting help AS IF others were depending on me,
learning what I was taught AS IF I was engaged in some noble effort,
following the advice of my doctor and spouse AS IF they really cared.
And lo and behold, I found all that stuff was actually true to begin with. Booze had just made me blind to it.
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
I actually said that line to my first sponsor back in 1986. I think I was two to three months sober at the time. She looked me square in the eyes and said, "I never want to hear you say that ever again." She was so serious, even though I was half joking when I made the statement. She wanted me to understand the power of words and attitude. I have never forgotten what she said, and I have never, ever spoken that line again.
And, you know what? Through whatever ups and downs in life over these past 24+ years, I have never since felt that way. I am alive and sober through the grace of God, and no matter what happens, I believe that all works together for my good if I am willing to practice the principles of A.A.
