Middle of Relapse now

SoberSteve · MIP Old Timer

Middle of Relapse now

Bob K · Senior Member

Steve from reading your post it seems to me that many people have tried to help you save your life. The key word is help and no one can save your life without your help. This is a program of action and we can't help the needy we can only help the willing. Until you take action and become willing to save your own life nothing will change. If you always do what you always did you will always get what you always got. You need to get honest with yourself and decide how bad you want this. We can give you the tools and point you in the right direction but the rest is up to you.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Steve....self-pity is your enemy...always always always...You cannot afford to be down on yourself. Alcohol is but a symptom of a larger problem. You sound like you feel like crap about yourself and see yourself in a hole you can't get out of. As long as you view it that way, it will be that way. Dig deep and move forward. Don't look back this time and have faith that, while the road is rocky, if you stay on it, you will be better off.

If you look at the 20 things in life that you can't stand right now and are afraid of, it is too much. Look at the most major thing that is worsening everything....You need to stop drinking. Just focus on that and let the rest fall into place. If you can do that...if you can gut it out when it doesn't seem like sobriety is worth it even....I guarantee you will be in a much much much better place in a year.

Furthermore...29 is not a kid any more. To repeat a cheezy shawshank redemption line..."You gotta get busy livin or get busy dying." I assume you do want to live right? Do the next right thing.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Steve I think that you've indentified your obstacles, that are keeping you from getting sober. You listed lonliness and having a girl friend as issues. It's been suggested to stay out of relationships for a year, you agreed in another thread, and the next month were in a relationship. The month after that you quit posting here. I remember confronting myself, in early sobirety, about some rule that I had about having to have a girl friend. I shared about this in a couple of your other threads, go back and look. Your priorities seem to be to work, make lots of money so that you can spend it relapsing with your girl friend. When you were going to meetings daily, you got to that 69 day (sober) mark, got a girl friend and bailed. When the going gets tough, you run back to AA like a baseball runner dives to first base, to avoid the pitch out. AA isn't some place that you can show up for 30/60 days, hang out, do nothing, get sober and leave.

Maybe it's time to consider a 60 or 90 day re-hab.

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 13th of January 2011 09:02:36 AM

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Hey Sober Steve,
Do you really recognize that its not you, and that its a disease? You have a disease and you are powerless over alcohol. YOU can not stop drinking by yourself. That is THIS program. You have to start somewhere with your relationship with your HP.

"there is no God? just small percentage what if?"

Having a problem with God? Why not try a "Higher Power"? If A does not work try B. I say this because I would like you to find the ""sweet spot" between faith, reality, and a life of happiness. Maybe your concept of God is interfering with what your HP is supposed to be doing. Many times when we are younger, we can't get in touch with "God as we understand Him" I know I could not. It was not until I rejected all my past religious upbringing, cut out the middleman, and prayed straight to "God". In an angry, defiant prayer, I told "God" I was sick of church, sick of what I could or could not do, sick of trying to keep harmony with intricate theology, I just simply wanted to pray to a power greater than myself that understood my human faults and who I could give my problems to while I rested up to take the burdens of life in small segments. It worked for me. Over the years I began to understand church a bit more, and I finally (after 25 years) am able to go to church and semi enjoy the experience, but I do NOT (this is me only) feel my HP (God) is upset at my attitude about church going.
The AA program really needs you to find a HP at some point to reach step 12. It does not need to be "God". Reach out to some concept of a HP and ask for help. How about the movie "Avitar"? The hero of the movie had no idea who the blue people believed in but he dropped to his knees and asked for help from "the Mother Tree?. I know its a stupid idea, but pray to her. It can't hurt and maybe she could put you in touch with the right department for you. Your relationship with your HP is an evolving thing.
If you want a good read that puts a good spin on religion, try "Stranger in a strange land" by Robert Heinlein. It will help you "Grock" that "Thou art God" Read it and you will understand (and its a great read and will cheer you up)
Good Luck Steve. We have all been where you are at and are one drink away from being there again. We are kin in that.

-- Edited by turninggrey on Friday 14th of January 2011 08:23:55 AM

mikef · MIP Old Timer

hEY sTEVE, for me,Without "total surrender" I was powerless and unmanageable, A truly firm "coming to really believe" and daily work,I would probably be writng same message!Its not quite "2 stepping" (1st and last ,nothing in between) but pretty close and your not moving forward.oNLY YOU CAN DECIDE WHEN YOU "REALLY WANT THIS'Like it is said here.'we are all only one bad decision away from reinstituting our pain!! Only "you" can save your life by admission,truly coming to believe(your own concept of a Higher Power)and doing the work...At the rate you say you are going "jails ,institutions ,derilication or death can be the results, "being a lonely"old" man may be a stretch.This is about you ,not what other people are doing ,or caring etc....Start today man,put it down,get a sponsor,share as if your life depends on it(looking more like that huh!) and get "all the way in the "solution"We can only carry the message.You are not unique here,this disease may let you think that,but believe me'WE CAN FEEL YOUR PAIN,BECAUSE IT HAS BEEN OURS!Work it ,Steve,let us know if you are choosing life,we are here to support that...peace man! DO YOU NOW BELIEVE OR EVEN WILLING TO BELIEVE IN A POWER GREATER THAN YOURSELF?WHEN YOU CAN SAY YES OR EVEN BE WILLING, YOU ARE WELL ON YOUR WAY TO FORMING A FIRM SPIRITUAL BASIS FOR YOUR RECOVERY TO MOVE FORWARD.THAT POWER NEED ONLY BE LOVING AND CARING AND GREATER THAN YOU....

SoberSteve · MIP Old Timer

thanks everyone, feel better today, going to a meeting later..

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

P.S. - The term "Chronic Relapser" is demoralizing. Don't define yourself that way. You are not unique in the relapse department Steve...While I have 1 white chip only...I still tried to quit drinking in every other way and failed prior to coming to AA. All of us are chronic relapsers. We are all prone to that because that is the nature of alcoholism and addiction. Just consider yourself in chronic recovery mode because that is what it's going to take and that is all that matters.

happycamper · MIP Old Timer

The Circus ain't over until the Clown has finished his act.

When you are ready to stop drinking and willing to do anything to NOT take the first drink, then and only then will you be ready to stop for good.

1/2 the ppl on this site are drinking as we speak? What the heck is that all about?
How would you know that?

Anyway Steve .. when your desire to stay sober is stronger than your desire to get drunk, then guess what? Its a no brainer.

happycamper · MIP Old Timer

OH and another thing .. you arent ( or weren't when you typed your original post ) in the middle of a relapse.

Relapse ends with a drink, it doesnt start with one.

bikerbill · MIP Old Timer

Hey Steve, feller, does it hurt Enough yet?

The Sword · Veteran Member

If you're this bad off, then what would it hurt to get a sponsor and do the steps and put even half as much heart into them as you have getting fucked up, and see what happens?

I see this all the time in my group, people don't work the program and then wonder why they end up drunk. It works if you work it. I will send a prayer for you to be willing.

LinBaba · MIP Old Timer

The Sword wrote:
If you're this bad off, then what would it hurt to get a sponsor and do the steps and put even half as much heart into them as you have into getting fucked up, and see what happens?

I see this all the time in my group, people don't work the program and then wonder why they end up drunk. It -ONLY- works if you work it.

Slight edit and quoted for truth

I can sit on my butt in a Gym all day long but I only lose weight if I actually do some exercise while I'm there, no one can do my running, lifting, and stretching for me, I have to do the work myself

AA is no different

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Steve...Ouch that sounded like you walked into the edge of the door. You can't
get all the way into recovery with the door half closed...take it off the hinges and
use it for fire wood. Okay philosophy stuff is done.

Now read your post again and acknowledge the attitude..."Poor me, I can't". Go to
the opposite attitude or you're setting yourself up again. Blame and Shame never
got an alcoholic sober. Aiming the gun at your foot and pulling the trigger doesn't
get you a bullseye on the target unless you're intent on doing yourself in.

Go do what you haven't been doing. DO....it. smile

Larry_H · MIP Old Timer

SoberSteve wrote:

Why do I do this? I have tried so hard, been 14 months now since I first tried to stop, most I had was 69 days.. I am a chronic relapser, even with all the support here... I dont know why, perhaps someday you will all have a RIP thread for me.. I had it all lost it etc etc etc heres where I am now... living at my parents, have a on off gf that is ditzy (6th in last year) lost my job (i quit not cause of alcohol though) have $400 to my name, am almost 30 on may 1st, never did the steps only got to 3, have asked for many on this site and local for help, had 4 sponsors, never gave my all to program... let me take a drink and explain....
this sucks..
wow just hit my ankle on desk..
ok my fears
1) my 7 yr old son wont have good father
2) I will die a lonely old man
3) no one really cares (half people on this site are drinking as we speak)
4) I wont get a new job
5) there is no God? just small percentage what if?
6) this is it> wake up do it again
7) I wont wake up
8) no one gives a f*** about me anyways
9) this is all a dream
10) I cant go back or forth in time... have to wait it out or drink to speed it up
11) I am supposed to be sober since 1-3-11 is this just a slip?
12) no one feels my pain

This is my honest to Gods truth,...if anyone wants to call or send me support I have unlimited free text and call 503-960-6496 Please save my life. I beg of you. I am at a turning point, its all or nothing..WWJD

Steve,

You said "I have tried so hard" and you said "never did the steps"

It seems like a contradiction??

"If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it - then you are ready to take certain steps"

Larry,
--------------------------

"Working the steps gets self out of the way enough for God to work the miracle."

-- Edited by Larry_H on Thursday 13th of January 2011 08:47:18 PM

zzworldontheweb · Senior Member

I'm going to assume Steve wrote this in the middle of a mood swing, and that he's just venting a little bit and doesn't really mean most of that.

As far as WWJD, he would probably knock that drink out of your hand, show you a vision of your son, and smack you a couple of times. Shame is useful. It makes it so difficult to look at ourselves that we're FORCED to look OUTSIDE of ourselves, so that we can focus on other people and how we can earn their forgiveness and respect.

You want to be a good dad? You want other people to care? Kick this addiction by following the advice you're getting. It's like drinking Hero potion. You won't even recognize yourself.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Yeah...I'm gonna split hairs. Shame actually is not useful...ever. Guilt is useful. Shame is when you go "I can't believe I did that. I am such a piece of crap." Guilt is when you say "I can't believe I acted that way. I acted like a piece of crap and I don't want to do that again."

SteveP · MIP Old Timer

Steve, the program is here for all of us, always. It's a simple program, though admittedly not an easy one.

I was in a meeting recently where a guy said that he'd been in and out for 11 years and he's now got 21 plus years sober. What did he say lead to the 21 years?

Working the program, getting to meetings, making AA his number one priority. Before, he didn't do that, he'd just dip in and out. Like you, I've heard a lot of AA stories, but for the life of me, I couldn't associate this man now with what he said he used to be like.

Yet another person who's got what I want and, put it this way, I'm listening to him.

Keep coming back...

Steve

zzworldontheweb · Senior Member

pinkchip wrote:

Yeah...I'm gonna split hairs. Shame actually is not useful...ever. Guilt is useful. Shame is when you go "I can't believe I did that. I am such a piece of crap." Guilt is when you say "I can't believe I acted that way. I acted like a piece of crap and I don't want to do that again."

Yes, guilt is a better word for that, thanks. I was thinking of the phrase "so-and-so has no shame".

Jamie D · Veteran Member

There is "ONE" who has "ALL" power "THAT" one is God, May you find him now.

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

I understand what it's like to be in your position, Steve. It blows. I am about 40 days sober right now and giving the Steps and the tools the most thorough and sincere effort I ever have. My last drunk/high ended with a gun (very high calibur, automatic) being pointed in my direction, a man grabbing me and using me as a shield, and the other one (who supposedly cared about me) firing the gun not 3 inches away from my skull, trying to hit the other WHO WAS DIRECTLY BEHIND ME HOLDING ME HOSTAGE. My eardrums puffed out and the joints in my jaw painfully swelled up from the pressure of that bullet coming so close to my head. And then later that week, I was arrested for something else. Death due to drinking/using (and the people and places that accompany such activities) --- death like that would be horrible. Being arrested is horrible too. Jail really REALLY sucks. I gotta get this NOW or I'm gonna die. I WILL DIE. DEAD. Gone. FOREVER. Please stick around, keep telling on yourself, and please give this program your best shot. Who knows, maybe we can both make it now. It's gotten bad enough for me, please don't wait til it gets worse for you.