Ive been told in AA that "each day sober, is a daily repreive, based upon my spiritual condition"
Each morning I awake, and say to myself. Nomatter what happens today "I will not pick up a drink"
And never think that just because a person has 20 years in this program--that some days are easier than yours. They arent.
Steps 1, 2, and 3. Biggys.
But what about the crap inside that still sits there?
It tells us in the Big Book, that Alcoholics are self centered to the extreem. Instincts are out of control. Character defects hafta be worked on. Amends hafta be made. That we are self will-run riot.
Step ten--on a daily basis--step 11 His will for us-Step 12--hafta give it away to keep it.
I was a long time getting into these steps.
I hafta look at them every day-I hafta base my daily living upon them. There are no easier softer ways. I guarantee you.
And turning our will and our life over to the care of a God Of Our Understanding? Wow.
One day at a time gal-one day at a time.
The slogans are a big part. The serenity prayer is a big part.
The tools are all there Wendy--all there.
Ive tried it all my way, in AA. It didnt work. I tried it half fulf AA and half my way. It didnt work.
Ive tried it 99 percent the AA way, and one percent my way--it didnt work.
Then theres that ego and pride, and stubborness stuff.
It has ta be dealt with, before one can get humble enough to be teachable.
Willingness and action--a bit each day.
Easy some days gal? Nope.
Better than it used to be drinking? Yup.
Dealing with life, on lifes terms some days? Not easy at all.
But the consequences of picking up one drink? I cant stop and I die.
You have consequences to your actions also. You know what they are.
Each day. We have a choice.
I need to evolve myself around AA and AA people. If I cant get to meetings, I need all the phone numbers I can get.
Right now--Ive been 7600 days in this program. I want to drink. I cant. I know the consequences.
I must attend an AA meeting tonight-I must talk with a sponsor-I must get into the steps, once more--the medicine that one needs, to cleanse oneself, and get better. I must not go backwards--or I will drink.
Each one of those 12 steps is in the right order--they are all suggested-but they hold the key Wendy. Every one of them.
Some days--I can talk the talk, better than I can walk the walk. I know the answers and solutions. But we are human--we feel how we feel.
Ive got to dust myself off too, my freind--even tho I havent picked up a drink.
Its easier some days, just to go backwards--its what we know, and are familiar with.
Lets go forward together our freind. Its a we thing.
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
ps, --You know how easy it can be Wendy, just to take that easier softer route? And I hope this scares the "H" outa yu, my freind.
When you start getting some self esteem back, after allowing yourself to be knocked into the ground.
When you learn to laugh again, at yourself and with others. When you start to feel good about you, and are able to accept that you are loved, and accepted by others--just for you.
When you give of yourself fully in any way possible, and truly know that God works in mysterious ways--and start to be grateful for other people, being put in your life.
When you know those other people are there for you 100 percent, on a daily basis, as you are there for them. When you are assured that that wont change, no matter what.
And the day comes --you drive for 17 hours to be with someone, and be there for them, and Bang!! You are completely rejected, and tossed aside like a rag. Your inventory is taken in negative terms, and you are told--what you thought was going to happen--isnt going to happen.--so you turn around, and drive another 16 hours home--which turns into 24 hours because of breakdowns and sickness?
You know how that makes you feel?
Well-for 3 days-self esteem has been at an all time low-one beats the crap out of themselves--wondering, what theyve done, to deserve this. --and get sick, physically over it.--blood count goes sky rocketing-and youre back into chemo once more.
Pain? Emotional pain. More pain than Ive ever experienced in my life.
You ride that pain, into depression--you try to pull yourself out of it--the more you try-the worse it gets--and you ride it all the way to the bottom.
The bottom where all hope is gone, and you dont wanna even live any more.
The thought is in your mind about going out to get drunk-abiliviate the pain, and just crash a car right into a tree.
Thats how bad it can get, in a very short time. "Sober"
Im going to a meeting now--hanging onto any thread I can find, just to stay sober. And I will try to do what I hafta do tomorrow to stay the same way. Thats all I really know for sure.
------------Ive used this board in the past to hang on. Ive had to. And I use it again now--in the same manner.
Ive had enough pain in my life. I just dont need any more. I cant handle any more.
I try to be the best possible person I can be, and the turnip trucks, keep running me over.
I cant drink. Thats number one Wendy. Thats number one.
Thats all I know for sure.
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
Hmmmmm. Let's see........ I have to do Steps 1, 2 and 3 EVERY DAY. Step 3 sometimes a dozen times a day, sometimes 100 dozens times in a day. Just the words, "your will, not mine" are enough for me. My morning is simple, my sponsor says simple is best, I read the daily reflections 1st (with coffee), then I tell myself and God (while brushing my teeth) that I am powerless over alcohol, then I sort of have turned Step 2 into a prayer, " I believe a power........ " (while getting ready for work). Serenity prayer is done in the car on the way to work. And some days the serenity prayer is repeated, and repeated, and repeated...... It seems to be starting to work for me.......... Not sure if that's what you're after, but maybe it will help.
My prayers are with you Wendy.
Much to love you
Doll
-- Edited by Doll at 21:27, 2005-09-07
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* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
I am new to this forum. I had a sobriety date of 04/10/00. I stopped going to meetings in November of 2002. I drank in January of 2003 after a little more than 2-1/2 years of sobriety. I had my last drink on 12/24/03. I came back to AA in January of 2004.
First, I'd like to share a personal view of my relapse. I don't call it a slip. I call it a relapse. A slip, to me, is an accident. At the very least it sounds like one. My relapse was no accident. I didn't "fall off of a wagon" into a vat of beer. I walked right into a bar and asked for one. There was nothing accidental about it. But that is just my opinion on my own relapse.
When I came back, the first thing I did was get a new sponsor. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. This is not to say that my relapse was my first sponsors fault...LOL...but I felt the change would be a good thing. When I had been back and done 90 meetings in 90 days, my new sponsor made my new journey through the first three steps very clear and simple.
I had the 1st Step already because I came back. The mere fact that I returned to AA was walking proof that I knew I was powerless over alcohol. (He asked me to admit it to him anyway)
The 2nd Step, I proved to myself by drinking again. I quit going to meetings because I thought I didn't need them anymore. Left alone, with no higher power, I drank eventually. So I proved to myself that I cannot do it alone. That caused me to "believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity". That is proven to me every day that I don't drink.
The 3rd Step was entirely up to me and is entirely up to me every single day. It is willingness. It is also a choice. Making a conscious decision to turn my life and my will over to the care of God, as I understand Him, is a choice. Being willing to do whatever it takes to not pick up the next drink is where my willingness is found.
I don't know if this helps you or if it is what you were looking for, but I hope you can find something in it.
At some point in recovery, I stopped working the steps consciously and started living them. Step 1,2 and 3...morning prayers...God, today I am powerless over my life. Show me what you would have me do today,, and give me the strength and the knowledge to carry that out.Step 10 at night...what have I done today for others, what have I done for myself...How can I do things differently. What were my expectations and did I put ME in front of God? Waht does God want me to do?
Do I ever think about drinking, saying to hell with it all, or maybe I can handle "just a couple"? Sure I do. I'm an alcoholic. I loved to drink. I used it as my crutch...or my escape from reality.That's when I know I need to get my ass to a meeting and share with others what is going on in my life...cause without doing that...left to my own devices...I'm gonna get drunk.
When stuff like that is going on...I know that something is not right...so I go back and look at what's going on. What resentments am I carrying around? How can I get rid of them? If I can't get rid of it with step 10...if I'm still obsessing...I know it's time to do a 4th step. Sometimes it takes me awhile to admit that...I hate doing 4ths...but I also know that I am going to have a better understanding of the problem and the solution when it's done. I do the 5th with my sponsor and God...6 and 7 comes right after...and if I need to make admends I do it as quickly as I can.
Keep it as simple as you can, my friend. Do the next right thing and get to the meetings....no one will condemn you or judge you. Quit feeling guilty for being human. And quit obsessing about what's gonna happen tommorrow...live in today.
