Alicia, it took me like 4 hours to write out a very thorough 4th step starting from very young childhood. I didn't know for sure why I was doing it all the time except for that it is called for in working the steps. What I now know is that in doing such a thorough inventory, I was able to see patterns emerging in my behavior. Those patterns would later be recognized as my cheif character defects. This all worked together very organically. Considering how much time you put into going to meetings and what not, this step 4 and 5 is not that big a deal. Also, I went to therapy too before doing these steps. If it had fully worked, I wouldn't need the steps. Just have a little faith and you will be amazed later what you learn. Also you need to do this to carry the message later and help future sponsees of your own. If you don't do this, how will you sponsor others to?

Hello Aliciababy! I am an alcoholic named Mike...I began my plummet on the downound train of devastion as a young boy in 1959 proceeding for next 25 years until only by the grace and mercy of my Higher Power,whom I choose to call God, I was allowed  one more choice between a life of jails ,institutions,deriliction or death or finding a new way to live,I surrendered totally December 2nd ,1984 and am one of God's many miracles of survival.You have reached step 4/5 by hopefully incorporating 3 spiritual principles that are an early basis for our continued move forward,Honesty, ,Openmindedness and Willingness.These principles need to be adhered to if you want to 'free' yourself of the wreakage of your past.Step 4 is our vigorous and painstaking effort to discover what our misdirected instincts causing our emotional problems have been.Literature tells us' we want to find out exactly when how and where our natural desires have warped us.Tells us without searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves the faith which really works in daily living still remains out of reach.Alcoholics especially should be able to see that instinct run wild in ourselves  is the underlying cause of our destructive drinking..We tend to believe that our one time good character will be revived once we quit using alcohol..If we were nice people all along ,why do we need an inventory now we are sober?For most of us self justification,I know for this drunk,denial was a major issue for me.excuses,excuses etc...It never occurred to us we had to change ourselves to meet conditions,whatever they were.When a moral and fearless inventory is suggested,we may seem it is more than we can or need to do.Our pride ,fear tell us we don't want to look in  there or thats not necessary etc..When we realize that character defects representing instincts gone astray have been primary cause of our drinking and general failing at life we become "willing' to do whatever it takes.There is much more to writing  and searching this inventory but bottom line is being honest open minded and willing and work with your sponsor.Do not think of step5 while putting together your inventory or the anxiety of sharing with another human being may have you leaving things out, complete honesty  is necessary... ,When you are ready ask God in and let it rip..We may tend to think that some of our defects have not been so glaring,not that bad!!!..thats why we say "searching' really go inside,the scary area. We must be done with the past that is holding us hostage..This is not a confession of how horrible we are..Remember to also bring to light your assets of which you have many I am sure.We are not bad people trying to get good ,we are sick people trying to get better..I can only say for me.that being in the "solution; that is remaining God centered at all times ,to the best of my ability and 'living spiritual priciples in my actions and life have taken me from the road of devastion to becoming all the God of my understanding intended me to be.(STEPS/TRADITIONS/CONCEPTS...The program works but you must do the work ,get into  A SPIRITUAL AWARENESS OF humility and find the joys of a new way to live..Believe me ,more will be revealed,keep showing up ,doing the work and sharing as you can.THERE IS NO GRADUATION HERE,WE DO IT A DAY AT A TIME,WE ARE ALL ONLY "ONE BAD DECISON AWAY FROM REINSTITUTING OUR PAIN..You have a 3rd step in your life,make the decision to move forward ,take the action and God will work out the results Remember also that no matter how searching and thorough your inventory is,it will have no lasting effect unless followed by an equally thorough 5th step.(first things first) :).... Wish you peace and serenity!Congratulation of your 4 months of sobriety,we are Miracles In Progress.Let us know how its going and I like to say keep coming back,but I also mean STAY!!!Nice meeting you,,,,

Aloha Alicia...I'm also from the same geometry of recovery as Mike.  My sponsor
suggested that I look into the meanings of the words Searching, Fearless and
Moral and that I do that with a dictionary and I followed thru.  Fear drove me to
trust which drove me to doing the lessons as suggested considering the very
real consequences.  I didn't have another toxic shock event left in me so I did
as I was told.  I didn't understand completely either but stopped my self from
questioning my "elders".  Searching related to deep and patient.  Fearless related
to not balking away from what I found or "might" find and Moral was the difference
between good and bad.  With the help of other later sponsors the searching became
looking for the "tap root" of all of my character defects which was absolutely
necessary...I needed to know and understand the one person who I had lived my
entire life with up until that time and didn't know anything about.  I also came to
understand that that person was always present at all of the life threatening (whatever
level) events which had occured in my life before program.  Me. 

My reluctance to follow thru, my "I don't understands" were for many reasons like
denial, fear, laziness and procrastination and the resentment from being led rather
than leading or just getting life on my terms without effort on my part.  I couldn't
hold back on anything because I do have that character defect of "half measures"
yet compared to how bad my life had gotten I couldn't afford that mind set any
longer or the consequences that came with it.   The 4th and 5th steps don't cure
me...they give me 20/20 vision along with preawareness of my life and total recall
of how it had and will come out for me if I attempt using those defective parts of
me again.  The 5th step puts me into the condition and then the habit of honesty
as a stable part of my life habitually.  It also allows me the understanding that I am
not alone and still willing to keep my life/program on a spiritual track.  All of my
sponsors had genuine recovery experiences and that was gold for me when it was
given.  I stumbled when new to the program and after witnessing the miracles I
humbled instead.  If a sponsor asks me to go a mile I'm ready to take the first
step on that mile and the one just after the mile is past.  Who gets the benefit?
Who gets to stay sane, sober and supportive of others?

The opposite of confusion is patience and being teachable.   Good luck on the
journey...you'll be fine.  ((((hugs))))

My sponsor also told me I had to do the steps and be fearless and thorough

I said I don't want to do the steps, why should I do the steps?

To stay sober he said, we went round and round, finally I did steps 4 and moved into 5 just to prove him wrong

My sponsor and I had seemed to have differing ideas about what was wrong with me, I thought my problems were caused by other people and the fact I drank too much, he seemed to think my problems were I had a pathological inability to tell the truth to myself therefore others and I couldn't find my ass with 2 hands and a map and I was so monumentally self centered it bordered on delusional insanity

So to prove him wrong and to make the idiot happy I wrote down my entire life history, listing my resentments, my entire relationship history, all my fears, and we were going over them....he would use homilies, and cliches...."you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs....hell hath no fury....the road to hell is paved with good intentions...."

I was like why do I have tell this guy my whole life story just to listen to him spout cliche's?

so after we had gone over it he says, 

"hmm...so you never got your parents approval, if you got an A they asked it wasn't an A+?"

yeah...so?"

your parents belittled your achievements, so now even as an adult you are still trying to win their approval

uh huh

"so you also seem to have trouble saying No to people, you say no 2-3 times and then you say yes"

yeah...so what?

So you are afraid people won't like you and that's why you say yes? Even though you have more friends then you can count

ummm...yeah

You tell how incredible hard you work, you work 2 jobs and long hours, you work longer and harder then those around you, you then end up angry at because they aren't "pulling their weight"

yeah...so?

it shows here, after we did your relationship history, that you checked off the same behaviors in every relationship, how you were frightened, selfish, dishonest, manipulative, how if we talk about each relationship one at a time you have this great "story" about how it was the other person who was to blame, but when you write them all down in a column it's the same relationship over and over and over...you are the common denominator reliving the same relationships over and over.....

oooh, ouch...OK, yeah?

So what kind of person are we describing here?

what? my mind went blank...

what kind of person seeks approval from those around him, feels the need to lie to his girlfriends to protect himself, and no matter how much he does feels it's "never enough, what kind of person is a perfectionist at work and works harder then everyone else around him"

....umm...drawing a blank here.....

finally he said aren't you describing an insecure, fear based, self centered person with low self esteem who is destructive to everyone he comes into contact with? That can't seem to fit in anywhere he goes, he either has to struggle to the top of the heap or hide underneath it, who relives the same relationships he had with his parents over and over, trying to win approval by working harder then those around him because he has low self esteeem......Lets look at your list....

There it was, in black and white, staring back at me in my own handwriting, lifelong patterns that had started in my childhood, the picture of a train wreck so wrapped up in himself that he couldn't see how his actions impacted those around him, a fear based man that was the author of every one of his own miseries, caused every one of his problems, and all my resentments were the direct result of some action on my part, some decision based on self that placed me in a position to be hurt

Someone who didn't think the rules applied to him because he was terminally unique

Me? Mr sleep with all the ladies and popular with all the guys? Mr Popular? scared? a liar? insecure? the author of ALL my own miseries?

THAT'S why he used all those cliches, to show me I WASN'T different, that I was just like everyone else, that the rules DID apply to me, that I was no beautiful and unique snowflake, my sponsor was trying to show me that there was a lot of rules that had been around for a long time and that they probably wouldn't make an exception for me, I kept thinking life was going to turn out the way I wanted it to turn out, and I was wrong

Me doing the steps ripped away my denial and showed me how to take responsibility for my life and my decisions, I didn't have to be the helpless victim any more, the terminally unique snowflake that no one understood....steps four through Nine gave me POWER

The Power to take my life back from the ravages of my own delusions and fears...


Want a shitty life?

Do a shitty, incomplete walk through on the steps

Want a life free of fear, delusion, uniqueness (the kind that keeps you isolated) resentment, victimhood and unhappiness?

Do the steps, and do your own, I can't get self fulfillment taking YOUR inventory and applying them to me, I had to do my OWN inventory, so I could see ME looking back from every page in my own handwriting, selfish, self centered to such a delusional degree I didn't even see it, I had a complete and utter inability to see myself as I saw others so clearly

We beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start, we beg you because it's important, otherwise 'as long as we hang on to our old ideas the result was nil"

It comes down to, if I don't do the steps thoroughly basically one of 3 things is going in my mouth

A drink, a pill, or a gun

up to you what quality of life you want, I realize you are a beautiful and unique snowflake that no one else could possibly understand given your childhood, I too was like that when I got here, a child that had a machine gun and a pistol at the age of ten that knew before we went in where to stand during drug deals with a pistol hidden in my pants, I knew who to kill if my father looked at me and nodded (look for the large man who didn't say anything who's eyes never stopped moving, don't stand behind him or he'll get suspicious, stand off to the side so I won't be noticed), if dad nodded shoot him and then the man who my father wasn't taking to, the child that had been molested by strangers, the child who grew up living on boats, I was certain no one could understand...

turns out I met other people who had childhoods that made mine pale in comparison, people who had been raped repeatedly by fathers, uncles and brothers, who had tragedies beyond my comprehension....

I was wrong about being a beautiful and unique snowflake that no one could understand, you might be too, you got nothing to lose except your present delusions, unhappiness, and the evidence that you can't live life without AA, which is why you washed up in AA, try it the way it's suggested, you can always go back to living the way you were living, having the feelings you were feeling if it doesn't work out, no one is forcing you to stay, we are only telling you what works, don't do the work, don't be surprised if you don't get any results, and you just end up sober and miserable instead of drunk and miserable

Up to you really



-- Edited by LinBaba on Monday 10th of January 2011 08:03:17 PM

Or in another words:

ALL of A.A.'s Twelve Steps ask us to go contrary to our natural desires... They all deflate our egos. When it comes to ego deflation, few steps are harder to take than Five. But scarcely any Step is more necessary for longtime sobriety and peace of mind than this one.

A.A. experience has taught us that we cannot live alone with our pressing problems and the character defects which cause or aggravate them. If we have swept the searchlight of Step Four back and forth over our careers, and it has revealed in stark relief those experiences we'd rather not remember, if we have come to know how wrong thinking and action have hurt us and others, then the need to quit living by ourselves with those tormenting ghosts of yesterday gets more urgent than ever. We have to talk to some body about them.

So intense, though, is our fear and reluctance to do this, that many A.A.'s at first try to bypass Step Five. We search for an easier way--which usually consists of the general and fairly painless admission that when drinking we were sometimes bad actors. Then for good measure, we add dramatic descriptions of that part of our drinking behavior which our friends probably know about anyhow.

But some of the things which really bother and burn us, we say nothing. Certain distressing or humiliating memories, we tell ourselves, ought not be shared with anyone. These will remain our secret. not a soul must ever know. We hope they'll go to the grave with us.

Yet if A.A.'s experience means anything at all, this is not only unwise, but is actually a perilious resolve. Few muddled attitudes have caused us more trouble than holding back on Step Five. Some people are unable to stay sober at all; others will relapse periodically until they really clean house. Even A.A. oldtimers, sober for years, pay dearly for skimping on this Step. they will tell how they tried to carry the load alone; how much they suffered of irritability, anxiety, remorse, depression; and how, unconsciously seeking relief, they would sometimes accuse even their best friends of the very character defects they themselves were trying to conceal. They always discovered that relief never came by confessing the sins of other people. Everybody had to confess his own.

The practice of admitting one's character defects to another person is, of course, very ancient. It has been validated in every century, and it characterizes the lives of all spiritually centered and truly religious people. But today religion is by no means the sole advocate of this saving principle. Psychatrists and psychologists point out the deep need every human being has for practical insight and knowledge of his own personality flaws, and for a discussion of them with an understanding and trustworthy person. So far as alcoholics are concerned A.A. would go even further. Most of us would declare that without a fearless admission of our defects to another human being we could not stay sober. It seems plain that the grace of God could not enter to expel our destructive obsessions until we are willing to try this.

What are we likely to recieve from Step Five? For one thing, we shall get rid of that terrible sense of isolation we've always had. Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness. Even before our drinking got bad and people cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling we didn't quite belong. Either we were shy and dared not draw near others, or we were apt to be noisy good fellows craving attention and companionship, but never getting it--at least to our way of thinking. There was always that mysterious barrier we could neither surrmount nor understand. It was as if we were actors on a stage, suddenly realizing we did not know a single lines of our parts. That's one reason we loved alcohol too well. It did let us act extemporaneously. But even Bacchus boomeranged on us; we were finally struck down and left in terrified loneliness.

When we reached A.A., and for the first time in our lives stood amoung people who seemed to understand, the sense of belonging was tremendously exciting. We thought the isolation problem had been solved. But we soon discovered that while we weren't alone any more in a moral sense, we still suffered the pangs of anxious apartness. Until we had talked with complete candor of our conflicts, and had listened to someone else do the same thing, we still didn't belong. Step Five was the answer. It was the beginning of true kinship with man and God.

This vital step was also the means by which we began to get the feeling that we could be forgiven, no matter what we had thought or done. Often it was while working on this Step with our sponsors or spiritual advisors that we first felt truly able to forgive others, no matter how deeply we felt they had wronged us. Our moral inventory had persuaded us that all-round forgiveness was desirable, but it was only when we resolutely tackled Step Five that we inwardly knew we'd be able to recieve forgiveness and give it, too.

Another great dividend we may expect from confiding our defects to another human being is humility--a word often misunderstood. To those who have made progress in A.A., it amounts to a clear recognition of what and who we really are, followed by sincere attempt to become what we could be. Therefore, our first practical move toward humility must consist of recognizing our deficiencies. No defect can be corrected unless we clearly see what it is. But we shall have to do more than see. The objective look at ourselves we took in Step Four was, after all, only a look. All of us saw, for example, that we lacked honesty and tolerance, that we were beset at times by attacks of of self-pity or delusions of personal grandeur. But while this was a humiliating experience, it didn't necessarily mean that we had yet acquired much actual humility. Though now recogized, our defects were still there. Something had to be done about them. And we soon found that we could not wish them away or will them away by ourselves.

-- Edited by LinBaba on Monday 10th of January 2011 10:01:39 PM

For me it was simple. I was told I had to be WILLING to go to ANY length if I wanted to get sober. I was willing. I guess you need to decide how badly you want sobriety, and how willing you are to do WHATEVER it takes to get it.

Brian

I think that if you don't want to do your inventory the way that your sponsor is guiding or requiring you to do it, you need to look at that- saying "that's not the way I want to do it."