I have been in the program since April, 2010 - not drank since August, 2010. I have felt and still feel great since I have started "cleaning my side of the street"...
My relationship with my husband seems to have changed since I have changed. We have become a bit distant with each other... I know many times he feels like he has been forgotten since I have been focusing on myself these past months. We are having dinner tonight to talk, I know it won't be a fun conversation, but know it has to be done to get us back on track.
Any tips on talking to your significant other about where you are at in your life?
Early sobriety is different. We become so absorbed in the program that alot of things get shifted to the side. It will calm down as you find your balance. Does he drink? Does he go to alanon? All you can do is be honest and true to yourself. Having a relationship in the first year of sobriety takes alot of patience. I was lucky. When I quit and joined the program my boyfriend did too. So there was alot of understanding on his part. I had to jump thru the hoops of the court system and he was right there beside me. Good luck on your talk. I just think that the significant other needs to educate themselves so they can be understanding. If they are mad and jealous that you are not spending every moment trying to make them happy ..... well thats a whole different subject.
GMS, Thank you for your post. The only tip I can give you is be honest with your discussion with your husband. It's works best for me. I've learned in the AA Program that God loves the truth.
My experience: the first year of sobriety was a very difficult time for my wife and I. I focused on me and was not available to her like I had been in the past. Just the way it was & the way it needed to be. Yes, we became very distant. I tried to put my wife or kids first and learned the hard way that they weren't going to keep me sober. AA and my Sponsor taught me to re-prioritize my life. Now God is first, Me second and Everyone else after that. Anything I put in front of my AA Program I will lose. That was a hugh change for me and everyone else involved.
I got involved in AA and worked the Steps with my Sponsor. The Steps changed the person that walked into the Halls of AA. I had the personalty change described in the BB. I pursued & continue to learn about my diesase and to work towards a better life. My wife dabbled in Alanon but found it not working for her. What I found is 1 person changed and the other didn't.
Today- almost 3 years later; I'm in the midst of a divorce. My choice. This is a dramatic change because my primary goal coming into AA was to get my wife back........
Whats acceptable to me today is far different than the past and my wife & I are going in 2 different directions. I care enough about myself today to not settle for less. Sounds harsh; but it's not. I've learned that I was in an unhealthy relationship to begin with, I just didn't know it at the time. I learned that if both people don't address their individual symptoms of Alcoholism the chances are slim for a healthy relationship in the future.
Please keep posting and let us know how it goes. We can all learn from each other.
GMS, my first marriage (22 years ago) didn't survive sobriety, but It was doomed anyway. I was 6 years sober when I married my current beloved. I had 3.5 years when we started dating and she didn't understand why I was going to meetings nearly every day with years of sobriety. She thought that I wasn't doing well. After I explained the spiritual and personal introspective aspects of the program, and how long/how much work it takes to effect a profound spiritual change, so that I won't feel compelled to drink again, one night, she got it.
On the relationship side. It was helpful for me/us to place a priority on our relationship by assigning "date nights" and other activities (working out, walking, bicycle riding, roller blading, bowling....) together. Just as we can start over in sobriety, we can make a new start in anything else too. A partner to an alcoholic is most certainly be a Codependent. When the alcoholic gets sober, the balance of power begins to shift. Power and control are a Codependent/Alanon's stock and trade. It shakes them up because they place a large stake, in the relationship, being needed by the alcoholic. Signs of independence shake them up and under the smoke screen is self centered fear of losing you or losing control. Figure out a way to reassure your sig other that you do need him and his support in your recovery as well as in your life together.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 5th of January 2011 10:25:31 AM
27 years ago my wife ,(my 3rd) told me she was leaving If I didnt stop the insanity.She set a deadline and when the day came she left.(was I surprised!!)It was the seed planted, after 25 years of total devastation that set me on my way.It still took almost another year before total surrender but God had allowed me that one last choice ,continue on to jails ,institutions,deriliction or death or find a new way to live.I love that woman more each day as we move forward together.Only by God's grace and mercy,a very strong suggestion from the woman I loved,and a "will to live' I have not picked up since December 2nd,1984(would have been my fathers 63 rd birthday,my age now)so I remember "coming to" for the last time very vividly,In fact I do the work to make sure I never forget!!!!Our relationship,even through all of life on life's terms situations,and they been really blasting away for years,is stronger than ever,more loving and caring and definitely God centered.Man,truly blessed,gives me chills!!!!!!
__________________
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
AA has improved my relationship with my wife enormously. She is very grateful indeed for this program, as it has improved her life as well.
Interestingly, over the Christmas holiday, I wasn't working my program as much as normal, as she noticed. I was a bit snappy with her and her mum, losing my patience a bit, being basically restless, irritible and discontented. She observed that she started to feel things that she hadn't felt in a long time. Made me realize just how much this program impacts on the lives of others and we don't even know it.
We still have times where she wonders if I'm doing too many meetings and not spending enough time with the family, but that's a lot less than at first.
SteveP I remember reacting the same way to my mother-in-law's (who's basically a sweet heart) somewhat quirky behavior. But you know, she's 75 years old and been through a lot of **** and still usually has a more positive attitude than I do. I've finally accepted that she's somewhat of a drama queen and has a lot of fear (just like my mother). It's just the way they are and I need to just smile, keep my mouth shut or help them if I can. Oh what a feeling to not have to feel like a heal after blurting out some kind of put down, like I did enough times.
Great topic and it hits close to home right now as my AH just got out of detox and will be off to a 28 day rehab stay next week. I'm in Alanon, been in therapy, and have read enough self help books to open my own damn library.
All I can offer as experience from the Alanon side, is whenever my AH was open and honest and didn't minimize certain sensitive topics (and I would know), our chats (when he was sober) went WAY better. It's weird, like, I almost wanted him to talk about, or tell me, details about his emotional affair, what that was like, or just be REAL, how did he feel, what did he want, and I know he couldn't possibly feel "fine" or "good"... so I wanted him to tell me he felt like crap, that it was hard ect... Maybe that's not where you're at any longer... But, my AH is there. I just wanted openess and honestly, no matter how hard.
And... I didn't want honestly so I could help or try and fix things for him.... I just wanted to see that he was capable of being honest, again.
My relationship with my wife is better than it ever was, even before the drinking got really bad. We both realized very early on that it's going to take both of us working on ourselves if we wanted to stay together. It's my opinion that both people involved have allot of work to do if they really want their life to get better. I've seen many relationships fall apart because the non alcoholic in the relationship doesn't want to or feel they have to work on themselves. It's unfortunate that this disease affects everyone involved, but without any attempt to fix things, there can be no healing. I'm grateful that she really wanted it, and was willing to work on it. She recognized and admitted where my drinking affected her, and was able to see what her part in it was. Honestly, life together with her and my family is bliss, no matter how good or bad things are going. It's bliss because it's a perfectly average ordinary relationship with no big expectations attached to it. I take responsibility for my shit, she takes responsibility for hers, and we both keep growing and changing all the time.
Brian
__________________
Nothing ever truly dies. The universe wastes nothing. Everything is simply, transformed. :confuse:
"She spends all this time at meetings and less with me"
"I helped her get sober, I wish she would say thank you"
"So when do I get an apology for all the he** she put us through?"
"I'm not sure I like her getting so involved in AA. I'm jealous of her new friends. And I know there are MEN there!"
"I am somewhat ashamed of being married to somebody with a drinking problem"
"I think drinking is at least SOMEWHAT of a moral failing, but she does not. It seems like she has no shame".
I'm not saying any of these things are true or valid, but this is an emotional experience for him too, and he may or may not be thinking totally rationally. The only advice I might venture is, ask him to be honest about what's bothering him, and BE READY TO TAKE whatever he says. Be patient, and SHOW you are patient, listening, interested, and non-defensive. Use body language and re-phrase what he says to show this.
Just verbalizing his feelings once may be enough for him to forget whatever is bothering him. Guys are simple animals that way.
Listen patiently and without getting defensive. At first, he may think "Who are you and what have you done with my wife?!" But when he realizes you're sincere, he could well swoon with admiration for how awesome you've become. Before you know it, he'll be fixing you dinners.
-- Edited by zzworldontheweb on Wednesday 5th of January 2011 10:00:19 PM
__________________
Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
It's taken a while (over 4 years) but I'm more patient, less ready to fix her problems but more willing to listen.
Eileen had a serious work related problem. After talking it over with me, I could calmly say this is out of my experience, I cannot offer any practical help, but maybe you could talk to X or Y or Z.
Couple days later, she thanks me for not trying to fix something, not trying to fix something I knew nothing about and being patient and supportive, and for not going off the deep end, threatening to wage all out nuclear war on the bad guys.
Hmm. Bit of a change htere. Eileen and I (though we don't live together) are closer than we've ever been, while giving each other space to grow.
__________________
It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
You know Bill, there's nothing wrong with going the "sexy friends" route or what we call "friends with privileges". But I'm sure you're aware of those programs. And besides, living with your sig other can be over rated.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 6th of January 2011 11:35:46 AM
When I stopped drinking everything changed and not all for the better. There were things I had to do sober that I had never done before and then there were things I stopped doing that needed to be stopped. It was confusing for both of us as my wife then was alcoholic herself and my changes were entirely for me. When I stopped drinking basically I stopped being involved in our drinking relationship so that relation ship stopped entirely as she continued to run with it. My relationship with my current spouse is in many ways different than the others before her because I work the the program and have realigned my thoughts, feelings and behaviors. My most important and improved relationship with with HP as I understand HP. If I won't have that one the others are shots in the dark or crap shoots. The next relationship is the one I have with myself where I learn what it is like to treat someone lovingly in a fair, honest and just way. As I know how that goes with me I work the same way with others also. My current spouse has never seen me drunk but has heard stories about my past behaviors during the drinking years. I don't live my recovery for her and I cannot be less or more human in recovery because of her. This is a spiritual journey and during every minute of it she is responsible for her happiness and serenity as I am. Today all of my relationships are better because of recovery and that includes the one I have with my wife.
SteveP I remember reacting the same way to my mother-in-law's (who's basically a sweet heart) somewhat quirky behavior. But you know, she's 75 years old and been through a lot of **** and still usually has a more positive attitude than I do. I've finally accepted that she's somewhat of a drama queen and has a lot of fear (just like my mother). It's just the way they are and I need to just smile, keep my mouth shut or help them if I can. Oh what a feeling to not have to feel like a heal after blurting out some kind of put down, like I did enough times.
Sounds good to me Dean! Some day that thinking will penetrate my skull and I'm going to stop just reacting! :)
I can only share my experience- that's one. I did what I was told in early recovery in that I did a hell of alot of meetings , every night most weeks for two years and my marriage suffered heavily. My wife felt so alone she heard me talking about all these wonderful people and it was like a part of me she was kept out of, today I make sure she is well and truely in the center of my life with God, AA and the program in no order .I don't know if I could even say there is a safe timelimit to ease off. But like the book says selfishness is the root of all my troubles. I loved and still love AA so much I could still go every night, but I don't , I go once a week and practice the program in my home with my wife and children to the best of my ability. My wife has always always supported me through the process. I told her straight off, as soon as I could see for myself what the alternatives were----- " I need to do this".
Thankyou so much for the opportunity to share with you from the heart.
