I realized something I was missing that is very important to my recovery.
In recent years, when I have had a relapse between periods of sobriety, alcohol was the thing that got me started every time. But it was the drugs that would end up bringing me to my knees, cause all the consequences, make me COMPLETELY insane and almost inhuman at times.
So I would take the First Step, admitting I was an alcoholic, but not really embracing alcohol's impact on my life, because the drugs overshadow it so much. What happened tonight when people with years of sobriety shared on Step One, was that I began to REMEMBER and accept that I truly AM an alcoholic. I often forget that almost 20 years ago, when this all started, I was a serouis alcoholic. No drugs. A real live alcoholic.
I had forgotten that in my early 20's, I got 4 DUI's. I forgot that around the same time, I was pulled over driving the wrong way down an expressway. (!) I had forgotten that for 3 months straight, I did nothing whatsoever but drink liquor all day and night, pass out and "come to" again, never leaving the house but to get more booze. I did this ALONE, no "parties", no friends drinking with me. Laying in bed in my EARLY 20's with DT's, empty liters of vodka tossed under my bed. I was drinking to die already, at about age 24.
HOW IN THE WORLD DOES ONE FORGET THIS???? Only an alcoholic could conveniently forget all this.
And since alcohol could not yet kill me at that point, it ultimately introduced me to something that almost has and surely will if I don't do it right this time. Step One, 100%. Life or Death. I think I am starting to accept what being an alcoholic really means. The thinking part. The disease.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Hey Joni! There is literature that tells us our disease is cunning, baffling and insidious(spreading or developing inconspicously but with harmful effect,sneaky,lurking,overcomes before we are aware))We have a diisease that tells us we don't have a disease Also writings tells us"by going back in our drinking histories,we could show that years before we realized we were out of control,that our drinking, even then was no mere habit,that it was indeed the beginning of a fatal progression.Think you took a journey back huh!!Two parts to our 1ST step,we were powerless and life was unmanageable.Denial,I know for this alcoholic,was a part of my disease that made it difficult,if not almost impossible,to acknowledge reality!The denial protected me from seeing the reality of what my life had become,I thought for over 25 years,once I got things under control I could pick up again.I could stop(for awhile) but could not stay stopped.The spiritual part of my illness ,that I could only recognize by emptiness and lonliness, was one of the most difficult aspects of my drinking.I was so overwhelmed that any thought of a recovery program was erased from my mind,especially when I thought I was in control.When I was ready,truly ready,I had to ask myself,can I control my using in any way? Am I willing to stop? and am I willing to do whatever it takes to recover?.When I could honestly answer yes,for me ,the process began,Total admission and although I came to Step 1 in desperation is was amazing by step 5 ,worked through with a sponsor ,how my admissions were then voluntary!!(to God ,ourselves,and another human being) Many spiritual awarenesses had taken place through a daily process.Readings that helped me Chap 2(there is a solution chap3 (more about alcoholism )The steps lead to an awakening of a spiritual nature,it is evidenced by changes in our lives.These changes make us better able to carry our message of recovery and hope to the still sick and suffering,the message ,however,is "MEANINGLESS" unless we LIVE it.As we live it our lives and actions give it more meaning than our words or literature ever could.You said it Joni ,go ahead girl!! 100% ......The God of my understanding had allowed me that one last chance(I truly believe that)total surrender,get in the solution(had to learn about it first) or die..Yes thats LIFE OR DEATH!! .I don't usually write diatribes,but life today has been unusually active today,my 24 yr. old son,in recovery from Heroin adidction,did not go back to jail for a year,my 22 yr old daughter is 5 months,expecting a baby girl,grandpa very excited, New Years day ,a dear friend (59) I have worked with for 30 years passed from heart failure and by God's grace and mercy I had no desire to drink, in joy or in pain,the obsession and compulsion has been lifted a day at a time...I needed to share, feeling your awareness from your nights meeting is exciting......Thanks for the help and always in support!!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Thanks so much, mikef, for sharing what the beginning of real recovery was like for you. I really enjoyed reading it and take a lot from it. You reminded me how much DENIAL has played a part in my life, infiltrated my brain, my eyes and my ears. I am as blind as a bat when it comes to seeing the reality of WHAT I am... blind about real WILLINGNESS, blind and deaf to many other aspects of a program I had at times been preaching to the choir about for many years.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
I think addiction is just some innate self-sabotaging disorder. I take the alcohol out and I still wreck myself and get all in the way of my own progress sometimes. I needed the steps to learn how to be free of myself and to just slowly give up all the nutty things I was doing to control my world (or replace them with slightly healthier things).
I also think sometimes we forget about how our drug and alcohol use really was in the past because it was so painful and such a dark experience. It is human nature to try and get over wounds and forget them. This is the one disease where you truly are impeded by forgetting exactly what your bottom felt like and how miserable it was. I never want to forget and I still get chills thinking of how horrible it was.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
"I think addiction is just some innate self-sabotaging disorder...." -Mark
I could not agree more. Can't figure out sometimes why alcoholism hasn't just become extinct by now? Darwin probably wouldn't have any better answer for that either.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
The big question is "Why does (insert your name here) feel so uncomfortable, in their on skin, that they need to self medicate or mood alter their feelings?"
This is a great breakthrough Joni, step one is the only one the BB says we have to do perfectly
Now this is some serious old school AA stuff, but it was very important to me
Addiction isn't alcoholism, I can be an alcoholic and not addicted to alcohol, I can be an addict but not an alcoholic, I can get addicted to alcohol, but addiction has nothing whatsoever to do with alcoholism, it can be a "subset" and as alcoholics we have addictive personalities, but step one doesn't refer to my "addiction" it refers to my alcoholism.
If I am addicted to a substance, and I break the addiction, my problem with that substance is done, I can switch addictions, and I can have duel addictions, but the key to step one is I am powerless over alcohol
That means when I drink one drink, I can't predict the outcome
Right now, today, this very minute, I could do a hit of pot, I could do morphine, or Xanax, or heroin, and stop
I am not addicted to these substances, now there is a good chance that taking these drugs would trigger my alcoholism, and start "the phenomenon of craving" and would LEAD me back to a drink, but I am not an "addict" I am an alcoholic with an addictive personality
I have known many people, who thought they weren't an alcoholic, because their so called "drug of choice" was for example cocaine, but upon closer examination, in every instance when they took a drink, THAT set up the "phenomenon of craving" that LEAD them to the cocaine, so they learned that alcohol was the culprit, that if they realized they were an alcoholic, they wouldn't take the first drink, and if they didn't take the first drink, they wouldn't turn to the drugs
What differentiates the alcoholic from the normal drinker or even the person addicted to alcohol is the great obsession that he can control and enjoy his drinking, alcoholics can go for periods where they think they are controlling their drinking, or periods without drinking, but they spend all their time obsessing, and such intervals, usually brief are ALWAYS followed by still worse relapses, which lead in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization
That is not addiction, that is alcoholism, an obsession of the mind coupled with an allergy of the body, I can break "the addiction" but still have not addressed my alcoholism, I can go years at a time without drinking, therefore not be addicted, but still be suffering from untreated alcoholism
I don't believe alcoholism is a disease of addiction, because if I quit the drug I am addicted to, I am no longer addicted, if I stop drinking alcohol I am still an alcoholic, alcohol was only a symptom, with addiction the addiction is the symptom.
I have a friend who is in NA who got addicted to Meth a few times, he can occasionally have a beer and does, it's just when he does meth for long enough he gets addicted, when he quits doing meth he reverts to normal.
I don't have a "drug of choice" I have a "drug of no choice", I literally couldn't face life without alcohol, to me that is the difference, if you have a drug of choice you are an addict, if you have no choice but to drink no matter how long the interval between drinks, you are an alcoholic, you can be addicted to alcohol and still not be an alcoholic.
If I did other drugs I still had to drink, but if I drank, I didn't have to do other drugs, I didn't have a choice when it came to drinking, thus I don't have a "drug of choice", I had no choice in the matter, I had to drink no matter what.
On another forum a man writes:
The bigger problem with these various identifications in AA is it lumps them all under the umbrella of addiction. Addition is not a requirement to be an alcoholic. The Big Book talks about the person who is a hard drinker and may not be an alcoholic and the person that may not be a continuous hard drinker that is. The book refers to the hard drinker as the guy with the habit which was the popular term for an addict in the 1930s. One of the definitions of habit in the dictionary is; addiction to drugs, and/or just plain addiction.
To lump all of them together is another problem and that is the term a disease of addiction. Many drug addicts can control their drinking or not drink at all, and also not over eat or be a compulsive gambler. Many overeaters may not like drugs, drinking or gambling. And with alcoholics the same applies. Some alcoholics will do drugs but differently than a drug addict and usually in combination with drinking. A drug addict has to control his drug use and one time they dont they can die of an overdose. An alcoholic has progressive times when he has no control whatsoever. Basically when we lump them altogether we have two people in the same program where one person can do something that may kill the other one. In this case identification becomes a death sentence.
The Big Book actually asks that we discard the feeling of alcoholism as an addiction on page 140; Can you discard the feeling that you are dealing only with habit, with stubbornness, or a weak will? If this presents difficulty, re-reading chapters two and three, where the alcoholic sickness is discussed at length might be worth while.
In the main text of our Big Book it doesnt define alcoholism but rather describes the alcoholic. We really dont need to have non-alcoholics describing to us symptoms of what our illness is. For the real alcoholic we know why we are here. We either couldnt prevent the insanity that precedes the first drink or we had no control over the amount we drank once we took a drink. On illness is about no choice in whether we drink or not and no control once we start to drink and this is the case whether we drink daily or once a year. Again addiction is not a requirement to be an alcoholic.
Me again:
It's not from not doing drugs, I smoked pot every day for 15 years, at one point was injured and did copious amounts of morphine for a few months, did Ex, uppers, downers, acid, shrooms, I did coke weighed by the ounce, not the gram, I put needles in my arms, pills in my butt, I didn't care, my life literally resembled Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, the first book I ever read where I encountered someone who partied like me by the way
I just was never an addict, I was a garbage can alcoholic
Nothing affected me the way alcohol did, nothing turned off the "the off switch" the way alcohol did, nothing snowballed the way alcohol did, I didn't swear off drugs every day for years and do them by lunch because I had a compulsion I couldn't control with drugs.
The difference for me was I did a "dose" of drugs and stopped until another "dose" was called for, with alcohol that was reversed, the drunker I got the more I drank, at the beginning of the night I would have a beer, maybe a beer and a shot, by the end of the night I was drinking drinks with 5-6 shots of alcohol in them and snarling at the bartender to "put some F'ing booze in it this time"
My father drank every day for 30 years, he woke up in the morning and cracked a beer, he drank 30-40 beers a day for as long as I lived with him, 20 years+
When ill health threatened he stopped drinking for 10 years, then started drinking moderately, he now drinks moderately, his experience with alcohol was different then mine, although I drank enough to float the Titanic, he drank enough to float his own Battleship game using the entire US Pacific Fleet including aircraft carriers and nuke subs.
His experience was different then mine, I could drink 2-3 heavy drinkers under the table every night in a row bartending, I would drink 40-50 drinks a night while working, and frequently did, he drank me under the table easily.
Yet he wasn't an alcoholic.
I did enough Cocaine and drugs to carry off Danny Bonneduce and the rest of the Partridge family, yet was never an addict.
So although the solution may be the same, the problem as I see it is different, I can't "Identify" addicts, nor can they identify with me, although we can identify fully when it comes to the solution.
I identify with alcoholics, because I am one, I don't identify with addicts, because I am not one.
Once we are on the same path, we can identify and have the same solution, but for carrying out a groups primary purpose a non alcoholic addict is as useless in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous as all those therapists and counselors the judges kept sending me to because:
the ex-problem drinker who has found this solution, who is properly armed with facts about himself, can generally win the entire confidence of another alcoholic in a few hours. Until such an understanding is reached, little or nothing can be accomplished.
That the man who is making the approach has had the same difficulty, that he obviously knows what he is talking about, that his whole deportment shouts at the new prospect that he is a man with a real answer, that he has no attitude of Holier Than Thou, nothing whatever except the sincere desire to be helpful; that there are no fees to pay, no axes to grind, no people to please, no lectures to be endured these are the conditions we have found most effective. After such an approach many take up their beds and walk again.
It took another alcoholic to get through to this alcoholic, and that's all I can pass on.
No worries, it doesn't matter what drugs you did, or what problems you have, I found AA works for all alcoholics regardless of their circumstances or other addictions, we even have open meetings for non alcoholics to visit and listen, and I hear in every meeting
"Welcome, if you have a problem with alcohol, you are in the right place"
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
The big question is "Why does (insert your name here) feel so uncomfortable, in their on skin, that they need to self medicate or mood alter their feelings?"
Or instead of the book I wrote I could have just written this, Damn you Pete!!!!!
Anyhow, yes, exactly, what is the underlying cause? alcohol is but a symptom, as is addiction, but they aren't the same thing
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
I get what you're saying, LinBaba. And that was also a topic of discussion last night.
I recognized that ANYONE who sat there and did cocaine for 72 hours straight would be addicted to cocaine.
But not everyone who drinks heavily is an alcoholic, because it is about what our MINDS and SPIRITS do when we drink that is the actual disease. Not the drinking part.
I am alcoholic first (thinking).
But then, unlike you, I am an addict as well. Because I have the thinking of an addict as well, even when I am not using. Sometimes after a long period of abstinence, even years, I will get a random thought about cocaine, or a craving for it. That is how you and I differ.
But were I not an alcoholic with alcoholic thinking, I'd have never been exposed to, nor probably tried coke.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
The important part of all this, for me, is that I have FIRST a thinking and spiritual disease called alcoholism.
When that disease is treated with AA, and sobriety- not just physical dryness- but sober thoughts and a sober spirit, I am safe first from alcohol, and secondly from those other substances too.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
The important part of all this, for me, is that I have FIRST a thinking and spiritual disease called alcoholism.
When that disease is treated with AA, and sobriety- not just physical dryness- but sober thoughts and a sober spirit, I am safe first from alcohol, and secondly from those other substances too.
Zigackly
I also have an "addictive personality" with thoughts of random drugs such as coke or pot or even drinking that will just pop up on occasion if "triggered" by a movie or something, but now I "recoil as if from a hot flame" which is a tenth step promise of sanity returning, my alcoholism has many tricks up it's sleeve, making me in so much pain that drinking or drugs is a necessity, telling me it will be different this time, etc ad nauseum
-- Edited by LinBaba on Tuesday 4th of January 2011 12:05:21 PM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Aloha Joni...A huge, ongoing support for my recovery are the words, thoughts and works of Dr. Harry Tibout and the works of Fr. Martin. Tibout spelled out the difference between conscious acceptance and subconscious acceptance and the danger between the first and the second. Martin knew the disease and the trail of the disease like no one else I've ever gone to listen to. Both of them and others have helped to blueprint my recovery and left me to build the building.
One of my dear friends in local recovery met me outside the morning meeting and asked that I sit next to her in the room as she just celebrated her belly button birthday with a couple Tanguerays. That was great for me because I am a long time fan of Tangueray (with the salad) and I am a long time friend of sobriety. She went on a two week run and decided to come back in and tell on herself and reach out for help...I thought of your experiences and your courage and your spirit and feel hope for her. I told her all of the time she has had before still is valuable. Her sponsor is still with her as is her family and the local AA community. She picked up again...this is a disease not a moral issue. She had all those residual thoughts and feelings (many self centered) which kept her out for a couple weeks and then they wouldn't work anymore and she couldn't sleep with the angst between Higher Powers, God vs Bottle. HP truely cares for me as HP presents the fellowship directly in front of me with all of its' experience strength and hope. Mahalo Akua...Joni and the MIP fellowship. ((((hugs))))
Very interesting thread, thanks everyone for sharing.
Im wondering about LB's post if it can pertain to say gambling, or eating ( addiction ).
Yes, the solution part, absolutely, However I think it's important to identify the difference between being an addict or an alcoholic, personally I'm cool with "anda's" but that gets some people panties in a bunch
change the wording to say eating/sex/gambling and yes, it's applicable, but when it comes to step one in each specific program, identification is the key to saving the life of the still suffering alcoholic, without correctly being able to identify myself as an alcoholic or have the correct knowledge to help a newcomer identify themself as an alcoholic, thus work step one, I am actually a danger and a liability if I share in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, AA is very very clear it can't be all things to all people, AA for alcoholics, NA for addicts, SLAA and SAA for sex and relationship issues, GA for gamblers, I'm one of those old fogeys that believes AA has to adhere to it's primary purpose as stated in the Traditions of one alcoholic talking to another in order to be able to save the alcoholic that walks through the doors of AA, but agree that the solution to all these maladies can be the same, does that make sense?
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Very insightful Joni, great breakthrough. It was the same for me. I used to romanticize the my past drinking, when I thought that it was "OK." And then, I did what my sponsor said to me: look at the trouble in your life, how often is drinking part of that? The reality was chilling. Going right back to my teenage years, where there was trouble (and I mean big stuff, likely flooding the parent's basement, not getting in trouble at school ;) ), alcohol was present.
It sent chills down my spine, that realisation. I'd been powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable in any objective sense a loong time ago -- I only just came to realise that more recently.
Clearly, denial is a symptom of the disease, that's what would help me to think that it was different this time, or that I was just being too hard on myself. Suffering from depression no doubt, helped too, but it was there the whole time. But it was that denial that would let me control for a while, just so that I could think that I had that disease beat or that it was all a mistake. Within whatever period, I'd be right back to the old drinking circuit, and everything else took a back seat to that, once that kicked in.
Dean's question about sums it up though. All that drinking was just a symptom of something else, of me needing to find that ease and comfort out of own skin. Like Mark says too, it's self-destructive in other ways. If I wasn't drinking, I was still trying to escape in grandiose fantasies, crazy impulsive actions, compulsive spending, wanting to run away to the other side of the world, you name it.
Thankfully I now have a solution to all that in this program, IF I work it.:)
Steve, thanks for the reminder about "running away" to try and be comfortable in our own skin. That reminds me of more instances of denial for me, as in the past I had moved around the country a bit trying to escape my problems, but of course I brought my biggest problem- ME- along with, every time. West Coast, Upper Michigan, and other spots briefly around this geat land of ours. But geographical cures did not work. And when I no longer had the means to run away physically, I would get involved with different groups of people to try and "change the scenery." Invariably, those groups became sicker and sicker groups, as I was ultimately seeking people who would accept the level of sickness I was practicing, and join in. I did not want to feel "alone", and in their company I thought I wasn't alone in it all. But I certainly was, as those friends were nothing more than empty shells, just like I was.
Speaking of denial, I think I will start to look today for instances where I might be practicing some denial right now. Wouldn't hurt to take a look there.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Steve, thanks for the reminder about "running away" to try and be comfortable in our own skin. That reminds me of more instances of denial for me, as in the past I had moved around the country a bit trying to escape my problems, but of course I brought my biggest problem- ME- along with, every time. West Coast, Upper Michigan, and other spots briefly around this geat land of ours. But geographical cures did not work. And when I no longer had the means to run away physically, I would get involved with different groups of people to try and "change the scenery." Invariably, those groups became sicker and sicker groups, as I was ultimately seeking people who would accept the level of sickness I was practicing, and join in. I did not want to feel "alone", and in their company I thought I wasn't alone in it all. But I certainly was, as those friends were nothing more than empty shells, just like I was.
Speaking of denial, I think I will start to look today for instances where I might be practicing some denial right now. Wouldn't hurt to take a look there.
Huge identification with this Joni. I even left my country to do a geographical! Woops, brought myself along. That worked for a while, and then it had to be some other perfect place to go to next, but the world wouldn't let me do that.
I too would seek escape in others, in hobbies, religions, you name it. I just needed (or felt that I needed) that external environment in which people would finally like me, where people would finally be like me, where I would fit in and wherein I would find bliss.
I kept reinventing myself, my jobs, my dress, my hobbies, my music, so that others would like me.
Towards the end, needless to say, the ONLY others were people who drank in the pubs. Of course, even there, I felt like a square peg in a round hole and I felt that the only solution was to drink on it. I put those who loved me, who witnessed this and who had to endure my moods, etc. through hell. But heck, that big something was mine, that was the philospher's stone I was seeking and if they loved me, they'd want to me to have it, since they made me this way, right?
Wrong. Total, utter unmanageability.
Thanks to this program and what I've learned in the rooms, that chaos doesn't have to rule anymore.
I have to admit that am still not immune to that thinking. Sometimes, I can still get some pretty grandiose fantasies and still want to run away. But I now realize that that it is a good barometer of my own spirtual condition. When I start thinking that, feeling that, acting that, there is something wrong with my spiritual condition that I need to put right. And AA has helped steer me to the tools that can put it right.
Steve, I'm still fresh out of the gate so to speak, but I can definitely see where I have "missed", in the past, how much I took to running from myself not only geographically, but in relationships like you mentioned, jobs, hobbies, etc. I thought I was an escape artist, always trying to stay one step ahead of loneliness (didn't work), isolation (didn't work), pain (didn't work), life on life's terms (didn't work), and foremost, responsibility (didn't work, as now I have to work three times as hard to be anything near responsible. Let you know when I get there! lol)
The big thing that sticks out is relationships. Wow, can we ever "hide for a moment" in a serious sexual relatoinship! But no matter how "hot-n-heavy" our relationships can be at the beginning, we still get to a point in them where we HAVE to look at ourselves, think about where we're headed, etc. And in turn start to see the ugly that we don't want to deal with. Thus, more attempts to escape. Even in recovery this happens. A LOT.
All I can do right now is keep coming back, keep AA women at the crux of my life, and keep asking for help constantly, as I find I am doing now like I never have before. I am not trying to "impress" my sponsor or co-sponsor or women at meetings. I am bearing all, and feel a twinge less prideful and "fake". And I might actually be able to pay attention this time.
I love this post, it is full of good stuff from so many people practicing real recovery.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Thanks so much for the original post and the replies. Although I've worked several steps, I realized from my last relapse that I really hadn't gotten step 1 down -- because every time I had relapsed it was because I told myself I could just have one glass of wine to quell the panic attack, loneliness, etc., and ended up staying at home drinking for five days. To really admit you're an alcoholic takes more than standing up and saying it at meetings, it takes genuine honesty that no matter how long you've been dry, you can't have just one drink, ever. So thank you for your posts and for bringing up the topic.
