So here I am and this is my 3rd day sober, after a week that I remember very little of. I haven't ever regularly attended AA meetings, although I sporadically attended Celebrate Recovery meetings for the last year and a half. Key word, sporadically. I have never given myself over to the program, and instead decided to rely on will power ( which no matter how strong, is never strong enough ) school, work and relationships to keep me sober. I now realize that I have been in relationships because it makes me feel needed, validated, important. All the feelings I don't have on my own. Alone I fall apart, but until I learn to be alone, I suppose I can't really be in a relationship. How can you love a person if you don't love yourself?
I had 17 months sobriety then I lost my job. No big deal, I'll find another one. Well, maybe not. No unemployment, years of savings gone. No big deal. Depression comes back. Oh well, therapy and meds will help.....No they don't. My fiancee leaves. Suicide? I'm not proud of it, but at that point I was very close. Let the pity party begin. I last 3 weeks into the breakup and get drunk for about a week. Well, that was pointless and stupid. I guess that is what happens when you try to do it all on your own and half heartedly enter any program AA or other. I want to stay sober, and I know alcohol is not the only problem, just a symptom of something deeper. I am committing to 90 meetings in 90 days and plan to not pursue any relationships until I have 2 + years sober. I don't really know why I'm on here, I guess I'm just frustrated, and having a hard time forgiving myself for losing my sober time. I find forgiving others easy, but when it comes to myself, I'm not sure what to do. Yes, maybe I needed this to learn something. I don't know. I'm glad I stopped, but I'm scared right now. I am at least happy that I didn't go back to hard drugs. Any advice? I haven't relapsed since I deciding to clean up, and I'm not sure what to do now, other than to go to my meeting in a few hours.
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There is no tomorrow, there is no yesterday, only today.
Well, you sound serious about recovering, and it sounds like you have a plan. Since you were doing Celebrate Recovery, I assume you're OK with the "higher power" concept? No major issues there?
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
I now realize that I have been in relationships because it makes me feel needed, validated, important. All the feelings I don't have on my own. Alone I fall apart, but until I learn to be alone, I suppose I can't really be in a relationship. How can you love a person if you don't love yourself?
Suicide? I'm not proud of it, but at that point I was very close. Let the pity party begin. ...... I'm not sure what to do now, other than to go to my meeting in a few hours.
Wow, that is hard for me to read because it mirrors the way I am and have been for some time now, perhaps since I became an adult. And drinking and using guarantees that either no one will have me, or that I get together with very sick people (water seeking it's own level?)
Either way the loneliness and pain is unbearable. There was a time years ago when through sobriety I was very happy living and being alone ("on my own" I called it), but then I got married, got spiritually sick again (my own fault) and now I am back to square one, struggling for the past 8 months.
Going to meetings is what I have been doing, talking to my sponsor, and listening to her suggestions. I know from watching other people and from experience that at 20 days sober today, if I am doing these 3 things and not picking up that first drink, I can't go wrong.
I am glad you're here. 24 hours at a time, we in AA stay sober together. Welcome and thanks for your post, it helped me a lot to identify with you and it showed me something about myself which is usually tough to face.
joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Higher power, well I do and I don't have a problem with it. I'm strong willed to a fault, and it is hard for me to give myself up. I always try to do things my way, but my way has yet to work. Staying sober wasn't that hard, getting sober is. It was the emotions and issues that were hard to deal with. I don't know why, but in spite of having a job ( I used to ) an amazing, beautiful girlfriend and going to university, my depression and loss of self continued. Is this something a lot of people in early recovery deal with?
Funny, with relationships I didn't really have a problem staying sober, but in this relationship I wasn't really being true to myself spiritually and it made it hard. I knew deep down that I wasn't ready, but I tried to impose my will on things, and that didn't work out so well. I am not the only one at fault though, even though the girl I was with didn't drink or use, she had her own abandonment issues and thought she could "fix" me. First years of sobriety, dealing with depression and the sudden emergence of issues that come with having a clear head make things hard on a relationship. Add in job loss and other life issues and I guess it's destined to fail.
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There is no tomorrow, there is no yesterday, only today.
Aloha FS...That was also a hard read for me. My head got in the way of my recovery big time...Super Analytical without any hope of settling on a single simple answer. I am grateful to the fellowship for allowing me to come back enough times so that I could just simply learn how to ask "Please help me". I had to learn how to distrust my thinking completely and when I learned that I learned how to trust the fellowship to do it for me outside of real basic stuff like breathing, eating and going potty. I literally was afraid of trusting my own thinking because it had gotten me into the fix I had with living. When a person is alcoholic and practices alcoholism more than the more sober rational way of living the expectation should be that they loose everything. I lost everything...everything up to an almost including my life and I had no alcohol in me at that period of time...however I lost my sanity and didn't know how to get over the fear of living that way.
Welcome back...trust the fellowship...get a most recent meeting schedule and a Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous; one attached to a sponsor who can guide you from point a to point b the first 164 pages and who will give you for free every lesson he has ever been given that got and kept him sober and then able to trust his own thinking.
For me there has to be a power greater than Tangueray, Ron Rico, Seagrams, San Miguel and any other drink of "proof" that would require a bow from me. It has to be more powerful than the police, judges, priest, IRS, US Navy, or any of my past wives or present one. It has to be more powerful than my ego and pride and I must constantly work not solely in the surrender to it but the abandoment to it. The consequence is that I am free of the fear of loosing myself without understanding my part in it.
I am in support of your starting over or maybe continuing on. What ever way I am in support.
In support,welcome back,some of us don't make it!A very simple ,not profound statement but really means a lot"nothing changes ,if nothing changes.. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO DIFFERENT THIS TIME??,sounds like you have an outline and willing to do the "work"..Literature tells us"you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer" (3rd/11th steps) Time to get a sponsor and get in thesolution,our steps ,traditions and even concepts....coming to believe restores us to sanityl I can also only suggest trying to stay in the day instead of setting "2 year goals,things about next week etc.We can handle things much better a day at a time,projection can be a big deterrent at times.. for me,.I always plan for tomorrow ,but not at the wasted expense of today.Your here because you are reaching for help and 'WE" CAN DO THIS TOGETHER.it is said"we alone can do it,but we can't do it alone....keep coming back let us know how its going....
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Yep. This post had me all over it too. You are really beating yourself up at a time where it's not helpful. I understand we can't all be rosy and happy all the time and I understand how clinical depression is too. I just hope you challenge some of your thoughts and feelings and put one foot in front of the other. Be nice to yourself.
You have to be your own best friend in this world because you are the only one that is going to be there for you no matter what! I don't mean that in a down way, but rather, a positive way. Hence, I suggest you start learning to be nicer to yourself. You stated that you need to love yourself in your post, but at the same time you are ripping yourself so badly. If you are going to love yourself, you really need to work on recognizing when you are being too hard on yourself and be kind to yourself instead.
When I say "be nice to yourself," I don't mean to cut yourself slack on the program. Your plan for 90/90 IS a way of being nice to yourself and putting your own needs first. Anyhow, you may not necessarilly see it now, but you have your life still and a chance to make all your dreams come true. There will be some tough times, but you can do it with some faith and hard work.
In support,
Mark
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 28th of December 2010 10:16:37 AM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Congrats on committing to your recovery. For me the best part about 90 in 90 was that it got me to enough meetings that I was seeing the same people repeatedly and started building a network of sober friends. To me, they are key to staying sober. Having people I like and trust who I can call when I really want a drink has been key for me.
Welcome Forrest. I've been there too. What worked for me was to put the bat away, or atleast take the spikes out of it. A friend of mine use to tell me that no one will know. As Alcoholics; we're the hardest on ourselves.
I look back on my journey here and it was these rough times that got me to a desperate point. One in which the desperation led to a willingness to abandon my own ideas. To be open and honest with myself and others. That's when sobriety and recovery could take place for me.
What worked for me after several trial and errors with doing it my way was: Sobriety and Recovery were my #1 priority. Go to Meetings, ask the Fellowship for help and do what they tell you- even if you don't want too.
Find a Sponsor who has worked the Steps and continues to practice them on a daily basis. Ask him for help and to take you through the steps. I learned I had a Spiritual Diesase that only a Spritual Awakening could arrest. The Steps will provide you with the Spiritual Awakening upon completion.
