Hello, I am new here, and although I have support, my husband is lacking. He is in the military, and has just come to recognize that he has a severe drinking problem - drinking anywhere from 15-30 beer a day. This has been going on for years now. It has affected our marriage (he's moody, and often verbally abusive) and our children's lives (unfair expectations and much embarassment, etc). The base addictions counselor told him that if it's just beer, to cut down to 12 beer a day - when just moments before, told my husband that he could go to a treatment centre this Friday (I assume he thought hubby was into the "hard" stuff). My husband's doctor told him that he shouldn't stop drinking unless he has medical/clinical supervision. I am feeling very frustrated and helpless. Thank you for taking the time to read this post.
Welcome sister. You'll get some frank input here, and fast. God bless you, try to stay strong.
20 beers has about as much alcohol as a quart of hard liquor, so that's a LOT no matter what form it's in. I think most of us would agree that he needs medical attention. Quitting cold turkey:
A. could result in medically dangerous withdrawal symptoms like seizures or heart arrhythmia B. may be impossible to do alone unless he is Hercules, or Lance Armstrong or something.
Other symptoms like severe anxiety, sweating, tremors and nausea can set in within a few hours of last consumption. Our bodies feel "stressed out", like we "need" alcohol, but in reality we're just drinking to suppress the symptoms. It's not about willpower or character anymore. "Tapering off" is, historically, an almost zero-success method. So is "building up your courage" to quit at some future date. It NEVER gets easier, only harder. The elevator only goes one direction, DOWN, but he can get off at any floor.
The doctor is probably right about the clinical supervision, he can be given meds that will substantially block the withdrwal symptoms , although he'll feel like he was hit by a truck for a few days. He may need to check into the hospital for a bit.
After several days, the symptoms will subside to the point where he can think straight, and THEN, ONLY THEN, he can start learning how to build a life that's shaped in such a way that he doesn't turn to alcohol for whatever reason. He may find some things in common with the rest of us, resentments, bitterness, just things he never learned to deal with well. AA can help with this. So can some outpatient programs (ask his doc). You'll have to participate in this. But I think you'll find it a lighter burden than you suspect once the process gets started.
I was an officer in the Air Force for 9 years, so I understand he's probably worried about his career. I'm actually kind of surprised the doctor doesn't order him into treatment now that the problem has surfaced. I'm not sure what the rules are now, but one thing is certain, he WILL lose his career, and you, and everything else, at some point, if he doesn't stop.
Thank you, THANK YOU, on behalf of him and all the rest of us, for taking an interest in his health and being willing to ask and look at it objectively.
Sorry this has to come to a head around Christmas, but you'd be amazed at how often that happens. You may eventually look back on this as one of the best Christmases ever.
Let us know if you have specific questions.
GOOD LUCK....
-- Edited by zzworldontheweb on Wednesday 22nd of December 2010 09:46:26 PM
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
Hello, I am new here, and although I have support, my husband is lacking. He is in the military, and has just come to recognize that he has a severe drinking problem - drinking anywhere from 15-30 beer a day. This has been going on for years now. It has affected our marriage (he's moody, and often verbally abusive) and our children's lives (unfair expectations and much embarassment, etc). The base addictions counselor told him that if it's just beer, to cut down to 12 beer a day - when just moments before, told my husband that he could go to a treatment centre this Friday (I assume he thought hubby was into the "hard" stuff). My husband's doctor told him that he shouldn't stop drinking unless he has medical/clinical supervision. I am feeling very frustrated and helpless. Thank you for taking the time to read this post.
Confused as to the purpose of this post
15-30 beers a day IS the "hard stuff", addiction specialists don't recomend people go to rehab for vacations, it's where they send Alcoholics to "dry out"
He has advice from his MD to only stop under med supervision, and I have NEVER heard of a "addiction specialist" recomend "just cutting down to 12 beers a day" sorry, unless the addiction specialist was doing shots with him at the bar, which has been known to happen, that conversation just didn't play out like that, especially not in the same visit as a rehab was suggested
If your husband HAS been to the addiction specialist and the doctor, guaranteed he knows about AA, between rehab, AA, and his Doctor, that is all the support he needs, all of the sober alcoholics I know in the service, which is a lot, say the military has top notch care and a large support group and AA meeting "base population" so your husband has all the support he needs, he just has to get off his ass and avail himself of it IF he actually wants to get sober
the thing about getting sober though is he has to WANT to get sober, he has to row his own boat, he has to do it for himself, under his own power, or it just don't work, and thats just how that is, you can lead a horse to water, and he KNOWS where the trough is now, up to him to make the next step, you can't do it for him, this is experience bitterly learned by countless wives, husbands, parents, childrens, and even us here at AA, God can steer the boat but that boy gotta paddle his own self, AA and God have that in common, they help those who help themselves
As far as you having enough support, there is support to be found at Al-anon, there is even an alanon site linked to this one, attending face to face meetings and getting the support YOU deserve can be a life saver for someone who is affected by someone else's drinking, I urge you to look into it
Good luck and Godspeed, I will pray for you and your husband
-- Edited by LinBaba on Wednesday 22nd of December 2010 09:46:30 PM
-- Edited by LinBaba on Wednesday 22nd of December 2010 09:50:15 PM
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
Agreed Linbaba, he has to choose for himself. In my case, my wife was able to STRONGLY influence me to get help. But no guarantee along those lines.
well sometimes wives work for awhile as higher powers ZZ, especially if they can kick our ass, they sho nuff think they are our higher power when we's drinkin, I am CERTAIN Bill hadn't met my wife when he said all that stuff about no human power, but I suspect she wernt all human anyhow, but using a woman as a higher power got me 3 years of sobriety so it wasn't a total waste, good luck with that
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it's not the change that's painful, it's the resistance to change that is painful
He definitely needs detox with medical supervision. That is a hell of a lot of beer each day. I prefer not to sugar coat so I will just say he is going to die pretty soon if he keeps that up.
I understand your frustration. Your husband is committing suicide right before your eyes and wants you to sit back and watch. That is the epitome of selfish and from my own experience, one of the hardest parts about getting sober is coming to accept just how selfish I was and can still be at times. I hope God shines a little light through his drunken haze and helps him see there is another way.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I don't know where the addiction specialist was coming from because from your post your husband is beyond alcohol abuse and right in the middle of addiction. Cutting back to 12 from 20 or more doesn't even come close to shutting off the obession and compulsion. Medical supervision is the right way to go and in the past I have called 911 to get an alcoholic there. Mark spoke my experience as a past counselor in a alcoholism and substance abuse rehab...If there isn't an active intervention (not the TV type or the let's wait until he decides what he wants intervention) he will reach if he hasn't already a state of being called toxic shock (been there...done that...only God knows how to bring a drunk out of it or why). In toxic shock the 20 ounces of alcohol will have shut of his voluntary functions and the involuntary remain; heartbeat and breath...and if his condition was weak to start with or he had just a tad more alcohol than usual he will slip quietly away. Alcoholism is a fatal disease if not arrested by total abstinence. For me 911 is a life line to professionals and simple all I gotta do is remember 3 numbers and the last two are the same.
However intervention requires a change of mind and mood and behavior of everyone involved. If it is you it requires you to step up and change from being a watcher to a "doer". I no longer "what if" before I make the decision. I "what if not" and leave the future to HP. I'd consider two separate phone calls. One to AA to see if there is a recovering alcoholic available that does house calls and could they come over soon or if the alcoholic is beyond the stage of participating in his own management 911 are the keys I use.
My prayers for your alcoholic and yourself and family and everyone involved in this event.
God grant me the SERENITY TO ACCEPT the things I cannot change. The COURAGE TO CHANGE the things I can. and the WISDOM TO KNOW the difference.
You need to find an al-anon meeting. If he is an alcoholic more than likely he will not stop for you or anybody. At least Al-anon ay help you deal and hold on till he seeks help. It took me 30 years so it may take a while. I was a beer mostly kinda guy as well. One thing you will find many opinions on this board about the subject. You may go get a Big Book and read it yourself. It will provide a bit of insight on what he is going through. God Bless and Good Luck. On a side note I detoxed myself with not much trouble, but we are all different in many ways. So treatment would be a safer bet.
Whe I got in trouble in the service, the most compassionate person in my chain of command was not my immediate NCO or my First Sgt. It was my Commander. I won't presume to know the politics of your husband's chain-of-command. What you're telling us is that basically, your husband is never 100% alcohol free. He is performing his duties with a measurable BAC everyday. He is behaving criminally and there may be people in his chain-of-command whose careers are safer busting him, than helping him.
Your situation is not a simple one, and it's not one that I have first hand experience with so I am not going to offer advice or directions. I feel that your instincts regarding the severity of his problems are accurate.
LinBaba said, " I have NEVER heard of a "addiction specialist" recomend "just cutting down to 12 beers a day" sorry, unless the addiction specialist was doing shots with him at the bar, which has been known to happen, that conversation just didn't play out like that, especially not in the same visit as a rehab was suggested."
Yeah, I'm sorry, if I had to guess he decided that might be do-able for him so he lied and told you that was the doctor's recommendation. I don't have experience to offer you here but just wanted to share my sympathy for what you must be going through.
I second Dale63 in encouraging you to check out Al-Anon, which has helped many people. there is even an Al-Anon message board here on this site.
